Now Playing: I Come Apart by A$AP Rocky ft. Florence Welch (I just hope you put me back together when I come apart)
We have a really fucked up attitude when it comes to sex, in that both having sex and not having sex are both things to feel guilty over and shame other people about. I've often felt like an outsider to this society and the increasingly bizarre and hypocritical ways in which we treat the most basic and human of things, and to an outsider...it's just strange that two polar opposites with no middle ground can both be bad.
What is virgin shaming?
Virgin shaming is the perpetuation of stereotypes, assumptions and judgement of a person based on their lack of or limited sexual experience, or the perception that they may not be sexually active. Virgin shaming can also be seen in the pressure on people of all sexes and genders to become sexually active. Unlike slut shaming, which is predominantly associated with women, virgin shaming is gender neutral; or even perhaps slightly more focused on men.
Virgin shaming includes:
- pointed or inappropriate questions to gauge a person's sexual experience
- making assumptions that someone is anti social, ugly, unattractive or difficult to be in a relationship with because they are a virgin
- pressuring someone into participating in sexual activity, especially if they have little sexual experience and/or haven't taken part in that particular sexual activity before
- shaming a person's opinions on sexuality and abstinence
- shaming someone for involuntary celibacy
- using virginity as an excuse for homophobic, sexist or racist bullying
- accusing someone of not loving/respecting/valuing a person or a relationship because they refuse to consent to sexual activity
...the list goes on.
Gendered differences in virgin shaming
Although the stigma of virginity is a gender-neutral phenomenon, I would argue that it effects the different genders in different ways, and that this difference reflects social conventions and values on gender roles. I've noticed that virgin-shaming for women is about criticising women for not 'giving in' to someone, or not being sufficiently attractive enough to make someone want to get you to give in, or being arrogant enough to refuse someone who finds you attractive enough to want you to give in. Virgin shaming is often manifested in accusation of unattractiveness, stubbornness, or a failure to care for the needs of a partner. In contrast, I've found that virgin-shaming for men criticises men for being weak, effeminate, unwilling to push for what they want, or not wanting what they're supposed to want; a lot of men who haven't been with a lot of women are accused of being gay and are the subject of homophobic discrimination. From this virgin shaming appears to be society's means of reinforcing gender roles; submissive female sexuality and dominant male sexuality.
The stigma of virginity in our society
Despite the sex negativity in our society we have an unhealthy preoccupation with sex; it is the validation of relationships and who we are as people. We are such a materialistic society obsessed with physical beauty, and intimacy is seen to be the solid proof of attractiveness; this has resulted in a lot of weird ideas of 'ugly' people not getting or not being allowed to be intimate, and the idea that attractive people must be open to any kind of attention from anyone. Having sex validates women as sex objects in the eyes of society; submitting to male desire, doing it 'because you love him' and 'because he wanted to', because you were sufficiently attractive enough to make him want to and you were compliant enough to let him. Having sex also reaffirms men as the hegemons of society, and this is seen in the rhetoric surrounding sexuality now and in the past - 'deflowering', 'taking virginity', 'claiming maidenhead'...it's all about conquering, asserting dominance and reaffirming masculine strength. Men are expected to have disposable women at their disposal; if they can't get that or don't want that, there's something wrong with them.
Involuntary celibacy
Involuntary celibacy is a state that we've all been in, and a state that is feared and held in contempt by most of society. The shaming of involuntary celibacy assumes that the only factor in facilitating sexual interaction is attractiveness, and that there is something wrong with you if you're not attractive enough to attract someone. In reality, involuntary celibacy is much more complicated than that; attractiveness does not necessarily mean that you want to have sex with someone or that you can have sex with them; it doesn't mean that that person is suitable or willing to be in the kind of relationship that would result in sexual interaction, and not having sex or being unable to find a sexual partner at this very moment has more to do with circumstance and chance, and not attractiveness. Because attractiveness is not universal, and it is not the sole factor in whether or not you're getting fucked or not. At any rate, I can't think of a single attractive person who hasn't been on their own when they want a partner. Involuntary celibacy is a universal phenomenon, and is nothing to shame anyone over.
Sex as an achievement and as validation.
Virgin shaming implies that someone is inadequate; it asserts that if you can't find someone who wants to fuck you, or you refuse someone who wants to fuck you, that there's something wrong with you. Virgin shaming makes private lives public, and assumes that you are not an attractive person, or even a full person at all, if you haven't had sex. The reality is that there are thousands and thousands of reason why somebody doesn't want to have sex, or wants to have sex but isn't having sex right now. And it's really none of our business, and nothing to be ashamed of.
Virgin shaming & harmful ideas surrounding sexuality.
Sex is supposed to be something that 'just happens' - this was something I believed for a long time. There aren't meant to be any problems or hiccups. You're not supposed to say yes and you're definitely not supposed to say no. Sex is the only thing in which we expect to be fantastic the first time around, with no practice or research or equipment. Sex is the only thing in which we expect to know exactly what we're doing, and we expect our partners to know exactly what they're doing, exactly how you like it. Anything...deliberate, to either encourage or inhibit sexual interaction, is severely stigmatised, and when sex doesn't 'just happen', we fail to realise that virginity is the default, until something deliberate happens, and we fail to see sex as the result of deliberate decisions and relationships.
The psychological pressure of virgin shaming.
Virgin shaming is less about sex, or the absence of sex, and more about an excuse to shame people and really hit at the psychological weak spots of the different genders. Virgin shaming for women is all about making a woman feel undesirable, unwanted, unable or unwilling to make other people happy; these are all important attributes of Women in our culture, and failure to adhere to this not only contributes to a personal sense of failure and inadequacy, but also opens someone up to a broad range of discrimination and ostracisation. In a society in which the dominance of men is vital to maintaining the status quo of society and the hegemony of patriarchy, virgin shaming emasculates men, making them feel impotent and unable to get what they want; this is in stark contrast to the message of society, which is that this is a man's world, and men are expected to take what they can. We're told that pretty girls give sex, strong men get sex, and if you fail any of the above people have the right to pick on you.
Virgin shaming and rape culture.
A sinister and often tragic side effect of virgin shaming is the perpetuation of rape culture; just as slut shaming robs women of the right to say yes, virgin shaming also robs women of the right to say no. Wanting someone is sometimes considered such an honour, and refusing that honour comes with...a lot of scary consequences. I would know.
The emasculation of virgin men, or even men who refuse to 'take what they want', has led to a dangerous rise in extremely problematic attitudes towards sexuality and consent, especially amongst young men. Sexual prowess is such a fundamental pillar of patriarchal masculinity that men often have an alarming, and alarmingly subconcious, sense of entitlement; men are by default entitled to any woman, and if they don't want a woman it's not because of circumstance or personal preference or lack of chemistry or opportunity, it's because there is something wrong with that woman. The other sense of entitlement is that men have been conditioned to not see consent as the right of others, but rejection as an intolerable insult, an offence that must be punished - sometimes even punished with rape.
I said that virgin shaming is a gender-neutral phenomenon, in that it victimises women but also forces men to play the villain or risk being the victim as well. Virgin shaming has reconstructed the highly individual and extremely complicated realm of human sexuality into two rigid, uncompromising categories; female sexuality as passive, coy, for the benefit of men but ultimately a matter of little consequence to the actual woman in question; male sexuality is constantly distorted and exaggerated into something uncontrollable, irrational, violent but ultimately forgivable, even when it manifests in crime. This has had disasterous consequences on the gendered interaction in our society and has put an overwhelming pressure on the demographic that has become our society's sexual predators and rapists to do something, or to want to do something, that needs forgiving; failure to do so is unforgivable.
My take on virgin shaming
Virgin shaming is based on the glorification of virginity, the idea that virginity is this real, tangible thing, that virgin is a universally-understood identity, and that there is a single act, a single moment, in which you lose the stigma and glory of being a virgin for the stigma and glory of being a slut. But when you think of the immense scope and diversity of human sexuality, how hard it is to define labels and how badly labels fail to define us...virginity is a myth. There are no virgins, and there are no sluts, there's nothing that will make me either; there's just me, all the things I have done, all the things I will do, and all the things I won't do. In our beauty-obsessed, materialistic, capitalist society, something as beautiful and highly personal as sexual relationships is reduced to living up to hypocritical standards set by society, and virgin shaming is a cheap excuse to pick on others.
My experiences with virgin shaming.
I'm one of the many people who has experienced slut shaming and virgin shaming and, to be perfectly honest, it really does your head in when you have two equal but totally opposite pressures and no middle ground. I definitely felt a lot of pressure to have my first kiss, to have sex and all of that, and that pressure started way before I had wanted to do any of that, or had met anyone who wanted to do any of that. And because I had been taught that sexual attention was a natural consequence of being beautiful, or even of not being ugly, the fact that I was something of a late bloomer made me incredibly insecure and unsure of myself, and gave plenty of fuel for the bullies. Virgin shaming made me feel like there was something wrong with me, that I had missed some kind of deadline, that I had somehow invited criticism because I hadn't been able to coerce someone into coercing me. People were very condescending towards me, and also lorded anything they claimed to have done over everyone else, and there was a definite intent and expectation that we should be jealous. It's very strange, to be with people you know to be just as innocent as you are implying that they have done a lot more; it's stranger still when you find yourself doing that. The thing about virgin shaming is that you feel like if you can just do something, if you can just get someone to do anything to you, the haters will shut up, but it does not work like that; the virgin shaming ends and the slut shaming starts, if it hasn't started already.
This is part 2 of a three part series on sexuality & shame in our society. Click here for part 1 and stay tuned for part 3, coming soon.
PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
sorry for the hiatus
Now Playing: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by Birdy (I am a visitor here, I am not permanent, and the only thing keeping me dry is where I am)
I apologise for being on hiatus for the Speak Now project. I have been working very hard at this project, but nothing has really come into fruition for the last few days.
When I first started blogging, it was an escape. I'd come home, eat far too much, watch really crap TV, and then waddle off to rant at the internet. That was my life, for so long.
I have been struggling with anxiety for the last week and it has been really, really exhausting. A lot of people make assumptions about people with anxiety, and the biggest one of all is that we want to be left alone. Perhaps some people do. I don't. It wouldn't hurt to ask.
As you can see, I've been writing - writing for therapy, writing for release. I'm not quite myself yet, but I will try. Because unlike some people, I was taught to honour my promises, even if nobody cares whether I take responsibility for my actions or not.
The second part of the Sexuality & Shame in Society series coming tomorrow.
I apologise for being on hiatus for the Speak Now project. I have been working very hard at this project, but nothing has really come into fruition for the last few days.
When I first started blogging, it was an escape. I'd come home, eat far too much, watch really crap TV, and then waddle off to rant at the internet. That was my life, for so long.
I have been struggling with anxiety for the last week and it has been really, really exhausting. A lot of people make assumptions about people with anxiety, and the biggest one of all is that we want to be left alone. Perhaps some people do. I don't. It wouldn't hurt to ask.
As you can see, I've been writing - writing for therapy, writing for release. I'm not quite myself yet, but I will try. Because unlike some people, I was taught to honour my promises, even if nobody cares whether I take responsibility for my actions or not.
The second part of the Sexuality & Shame in Society series coming tomorrow.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
I am tired.
I am tired of waiting for you to be there for me.
I am tired of excuses, and I am tired of fighting.
I am tired of you saying things to take back and making promises to break;
I am tired of not trusting you.
I am tired of settling and then having the carpet pulled up from under my feet.
I am tired of people picking on you, I am tired of having nothing left to defend.
I am tired of looking back and realizing all of the horrible things you said.
I am tired of you hurting me, I am tired of crying,
I am tired of you denying everything, I am tired of your apologies.
I am tired of saying 'he is my very best friend' and still being alone when I break down.
I am tired of caring, and I am tired of wondering if you care at all for me.
I am tired of waiting for you to be there for me.
I am tired of excuses, and I am tired of fighting.
I am tired of you saying things to take back and making promises to break;
I am tired of not trusting you.
I am tired of settling and then having the carpet pulled up from under my feet.
I am tired of people picking on you, I am tired of having nothing left to defend.
I am tired of looking back and realizing all of the horrible things you said.
I am tired of you hurting me, I am tired of crying,
I am tired of you denying everything, I am tired of your apologies.
I am tired of saying 'he is my very best friend' and still being alone when I break down.
I am tired of caring, and I am tired of wondering if you care at all for me.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
speak now #21: privilege, dudebros & the patriarchy
Now Playing: Tennis Court by Lorde (be the class clown, I'll be the beauty queen in tears, it's a new art form showing people how little we care)
Could you tell us a bit about yourself?
I'm a genderqueer pansexual feminist who's dating a transwoman with a history of mental illness going in deep.
How would you define genderqueer to someone who might not be familiar with the term?
Genderqueer is basically assuming the gender binary of female and male don't exist. It's more of a spectrum rather than two categories. I'm of both the male and female gender and as a consequence of that, I prefer using 'they' as my pronouns as opposed to 'she'. Genderqueer is an umbrella term for a mix of female and male.
Are you familiar with the sex positive movement's distinction between male/female/intersex (biological sex) and man/woman/genderqueer (gender identity)? What are your thoughts on this kind of ideology?
I'm not really familiar with it, but the fact they have a distinction in place between sex and gender identity is excellent. People should really be educated about this difference in my opinion because most people think that sex = gender/gender identity and that's just not the case.
How would you define pansexuality and when did you realise/come out as pansexual?
Pansexuality goes along with the idea of non gender binary, that is to say the gender spectrum. Bisexuality is more attracted to male/female whereas pansexuality is attracted to the entire spectrum. I first realised I was attracted to girls as well as boys when I was about 5 but it was seen as taboo because I live in a rural town. When I was 13 and moved to Perth for school, everyone coined on that I was attracted to girls and guys but I didn't really realise until I was 15 and had a few major crushes on a few different girls. I then started investigating into trans* and such and realised that I was attracted to trans* and other genders and now I have a beautiful trans* girlfriend.
As the partner of a transwoman can you discuss any issues in our society concerning transgender individuals?
Everyone has been really supportive of her which is great. My dad is being a douche about it, comparing her to one of our desexed lambs and I've been knocked around a bit at my job because one of my co-workers had found out I'm dating a transwoman, but besides that, the support is all there from our friends, teachers, and her family.
I've been at the receiving end of a lot of hate and mockery for being 'out' as a feminist; has you had any experience of that?
Oh definitely, which feminist hasn't? There's the dudebros and fedorable mras who claim that men's 'problems' are so much more important than women's oppression. Comments like "feminazis have gone too far" and the whole friendzoning epidemic is plain ridiculous. Like as soon as women want to be treated like people, men have to try and shout them down because God forbid we treat women and men with equal standing.
I think what people fail to see that feminists aren't fighting men; we're fighting patriarchy, which oppresses pretty much everyone of all sexes and genders.
Yeah exactly, but the bad thing is internalised misogyny because we don't realise it's further oppressing women but it does on a daily basis.
Yeah, like rape culture and slut shaming - people seem to think I make it all up, but these things really do exist - as seen in Steubenville and other cases.
Oh I've been coined as a slut so many times even though I didn't even want to become sexually active; like it wasn't my choice at all. But hey "kids are cruel" and "sticks and stones will break my bones" but words will cause permanent psychological damage.
I'm bisexual and like pretty much any non-binary sexual orientation people like to think it doesn't exist, or I'm just confused...do you get those kinds of reactions to pansexuality, which i know isn't really well known in our society's discourse on sexual orientation?
Yeah I get all these reactions like "it's just a phase" "it's just for attention" and "that doesn't even exist". People can't comprehend that I can be attracted to trans* people and find it really disgusting. It's strange because I can't comprehend that they can only be attracted to one certain set of people, like where's your choice with that? Everyone is drop dead smashingly gorgeous.
Especially you, my dear :)
Aw, thank you.
There have been lots of cases popping up in the news about trans discrimination, like children being forced to use the 'right' bathrooms or blocked from gendered sporting teams and things like that. What do you think we can do to encourage greater awareness about trans individuals in our society?
Get more education on transgender and the gender spectrum on the media, so popular television shows and radio. Also incorporate it in the education system because we don't need to spend so much time devising anti drug campaigns and healthy eating because there's already enough coverage about those issues on TV and in society already.
You live in the country at the moment but you have spent some time in the city; are there any major differences in the treatment of sexuality between rural and urban areas?
I was honestly expecting a massive difference in treatment, but people at my school are more mature than the rest of Bunbury due to it being a senior college. So Bunbury in general isn't that accepting of people who step outside the societal 'norms' of sexuality and expression. In the city I've found you can basically do anything and you'll be accepted for it.
Is there anything else you would like to talk about? About anything really, I don't mind.
Well I was raped when I was 15 so there's that.... my English class is studying The Lovely Bones in class but I have to do The Great Gatsby instead.
Would you like to talk about that? You seriously don't have to if you don't want to.
It's fine, like some people say it wasn't rape because I didn't say no, but I was way too scared to say no, I was just lying there like "Oh God why is this happening could you stop this" and it was unprotected and yeah I was terrified I was pregnant. And now people use the term rape as a common verb (i.e. "I raped you in that game" etc) and it just upsets me because it trivialises the act of it.
It really drives me insane that people don't have the basic understanding of what consent is, or what rape is, and they don't understand how inappropriate rape jokes are.
I've asked the dudebros I come into contact with to not use rape jokes, or say any slurs that could be taken offensively (homophobic, sexist, racist, transphobic etc)
What are dudebros?
Dudebros are basically males who are straight, white and cis who don't realise that they are in the wrong when they tell sexist/homophobic/racist/rape jokes and who complain about the friendzone. Basically the demographic with the most rights who just abuse the fuck out of it
People don't like to denounce systems that put them at the top, even if they see the flaws in them.
I guess people do like to be privileged but there comes a time when they need to stop shitting on anyone who's below them.
PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW
***TRIGGER WARNING***
Trinity: Genderqueer. Pansexual. Feminist. Drop dead smashingly gorgeous.
I'm a genderqueer pansexual feminist who's dating a transwoman with a history of mental illness going in deep.
How would you define genderqueer to someone who might not be familiar with the term?
Genderqueer is basically assuming the gender binary of female and male don't exist. It's more of a spectrum rather than two categories. I'm of both the male and female gender and as a consequence of that, I prefer using 'they' as my pronouns as opposed to 'she'. Genderqueer is an umbrella term for a mix of female and male.
Are you familiar with the sex positive movement's distinction between male/female/intersex (biological sex) and man/woman/genderqueer (gender identity)? What are your thoughts on this kind of ideology?
I'm not really familiar with it, but the fact they have a distinction in place between sex and gender identity is excellent. People should really be educated about this difference in my opinion because most people think that sex = gender/gender identity and that's just not the case.
How would you define pansexuality and when did you realise/come out as pansexual?
Pansexuality goes along with the idea of non gender binary, that is to say the gender spectrum. Bisexuality is more attracted to male/female whereas pansexuality is attracted to the entire spectrum. I first realised I was attracted to girls as well as boys when I was about 5 but it was seen as taboo because I live in a rural town. When I was 13 and moved to Perth for school, everyone coined on that I was attracted to girls and guys but I didn't really realise until I was 15 and had a few major crushes on a few different girls. I then started investigating into trans* and such and realised that I was attracted to trans* and other genders and now I have a beautiful trans* girlfriend.
As the partner of a transwoman can you discuss any issues in our society concerning transgender individuals?
Everyone has been really supportive of her which is great. My dad is being a douche about it, comparing her to one of our desexed lambs and I've been knocked around a bit at my job because one of my co-workers had found out I'm dating a transwoman, but besides that, the support is all there from our friends, teachers, and her family.
I've been at the receiving end of a lot of hate and mockery for being 'out' as a feminist; has you had any experience of that?
Oh definitely, which feminist hasn't? There's the dudebros and fedorable mras who claim that men's 'problems' are so much more important than women's oppression. Comments like "feminazis have gone too far" and the whole friendzoning epidemic is plain ridiculous. Like as soon as women want to be treated like people, men have to try and shout them down because God forbid we treat women and men with equal standing.
I think what people fail to see that feminists aren't fighting men; we're fighting patriarchy, which oppresses pretty much everyone of all sexes and genders.
Yeah exactly, but the bad thing is internalised misogyny because we don't realise it's further oppressing women but it does on a daily basis.
Yeah, like rape culture and slut shaming - people seem to think I make it all up, but these things really do exist - as seen in Steubenville and other cases.
Oh I've been coined as a slut so many times even though I didn't even want to become sexually active; like it wasn't my choice at all. But hey "kids are cruel" and "sticks and stones will break my bones" but words will cause permanent psychological damage.
I'm bisexual and like pretty much any non-binary sexual orientation people like to think it doesn't exist, or I'm just confused...do you get those kinds of reactions to pansexuality, which i know isn't really well known in our society's discourse on sexual orientation?
Yeah I get all these reactions like "it's just a phase" "it's just for attention" and "that doesn't even exist". People can't comprehend that I can be attracted to trans* people and find it really disgusting. It's strange because I can't comprehend that they can only be attracted to one certain set of people, like where's your choice with that? Everyone is drop dead smashingly gorgeous.
Especially you, my dear :)
Aw, thank you.
There have been lots of cases popping up in the news about trans discrimination, like children being forced to use the 'right' bathrooms or blocked from gendered sporting teams and things like that. What do you think we can do to encourage greater awareness about trans individuals in our society?
Get more education on transgender and the gender spectrum on the media, so popular television shows and radio. Also incorporate it in the education system because we don't need to spend so much time devising anti drug campaigns and healthy eating because there's already enough coverage about those issues on TV and in society already.
You live in the country at the moment but you have spent some time in the city; are there any major differences in the treatment of sexuality between rural and urban areas?
I was honestly expecting a massive difference in treatment, but people at my school are more mature than the rest of Bunbury due to it being a senior college. So Bunbury in general isn't that accepting of people who step outside the societal 'norms' of sexuality and expression. In the city I've found you can basically do anything and you'll be accepted for it.
Is there anything else you would like to talk about? About anything really, I don't mind.
Well I was raped when I was 15 so there's that.... my English class is studying The Lovely Bones in class but I have to do The Great Gatsby instead.
Would you like to talk about that? You seriously don't have to if you don't want to.
It's fine, like some people say it wasn't rape because I didn't say no, but I was way too scared to say no, I was just lying there like "Oh God why is this happening could you stop this" and it was unprotected and yeah I was terrified I was pregnant. And now people use the term rape as a common verb (i.e. "I raped you in that game" etc) and it just upsets me because it trivialises the act of it.
It really drives me insane that people don't have the basic understanding of what consent is, or what rape is, and they don't understand how inappropriate rape jokes are.
I've asked the dudebros I come into contact with to not use rape jokes, or say any slurs that could be taken offensively (homophobic, sexist, racist, transphobic etc)
What are dudebros?
Dudebros are basically males who are straight, white and cis who don't realise that they are in the wrong when they tell sexist/homophobic/racist/rape jokes and who complain about the friendzone. Basically the demographic with the most rights who just abuse the fuck out of it
People don't like to denounce systems that put them at the top, even if they see the flaws in them.
I guess people do like to be privileged but there comes a time when they need to stop shitting on anyone who's below them.
Trinity is a former classmate of mine from high school who now lives in Bunbury and raises awareness for sexual and gender equality. Stay tuned for more guest posts and interviews that are in the pipeline, and please contact me if you would like to be interviewed, interview me or write a guest post. Stay tuned and stay beautiful!
PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW
Now Playing: People Help the People by Cherry Ghost (God knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts, guess he kissed the girls and made them cry, those hard-faced queens of misadventure)
Let me tell you what it's like.
They call it a spiral out of control for a reason. One thing leads to another and it all just...escalates. You think of everything anyone has ever said and done, searching for any sign that they don't want you, any sign that they're about to leave, any sign that what they say doesn't match with what they're going to do. But you know the truth is that it will happen when you least expect it, from the people you didn't suspect at all.
Let me tell you what it's like.
Being friends is like trying to run one of those three legged races. It's so hard to step in someone else's pace - and they're always the one setting the pace, calling the shots. They always...call you out for being cold and withdrawn, but the second you say something that suggests you're in deeper than they are, they run for the hills. Why? Is it such an insult that I love you, that I would be hurt if you were hurt, that you are someone who can inspire some kind of empathy when I am so selfish?
Let me tell you what it's like.
You have to constantly check yourself, for being irrational. Whatever the paranoia does to you is made ten times worse by the guilt. You try and hide it from other people, pretend it doesn't matter but it does, it matters more than anything. You can't shake the feeling that someone is angry at you, someone doesn't want to hear from you anymore, someone who once cared doesn't anymore. You think about what they might have heard, who might have said what. It could be anything. The strongest friendships fail at the tiniest things.
It's so much...worse when people call you out for it. I know most of it is just paranoia but it...it feels real.
Let me tell you what it's like.
They call it a spiral out of control for a reason. One thing leads to another and it all just...escalates. You think of everything anyone has ever said and done, searching for any sign that they don't want you, any sign that they're about to leave, any sign that what they say doesn't match with what they're going to do. But you know the truth is that it will happen when you least expect it, from the people you didn't suspect at all.
Let me tell you what it's like.
Being friends is like trying to run one of those three legged races. It's so hard to step in someone else's pace - and they're always the one setting the pace, calling the shots. They always...call you out for being cold and withdrawn, but the second you say something that suggests you're in deeper than they are, they run for the hills. Why? Is it such an insult that I love you, that I would be hurt if you were hurt, that you are someone who can inspire some kind of empathy when I am so selfish?
Let me tell you what it's like.
You have to constantly check yourself, for being irrational. Whatever the paranoia does to you is made ten times worse by the guilt. You try and hide it from other people, pretend it doesn't matter but it does, it matters more than anything. You can't shake the feeling that someone is angry at you, someone doesn't want to hear from you anymore, someone who once cared doesn't anymore. You think about what they might have heard, who might have said what. It could be anything. The strongest friendships fail at the tiniest things.
It's so much...worse when people call you out for it. I know most of it is just paranoia but it...it feels real.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
speak now #20: everything that porn won't teach you
Now Playing: Terrible Love by Birdy (it takes an ocean not to break)
So if you're a teenager and you haven't made your sexual debut, your knowledge of sexuality comes from two main sources - school, if you're lucky enough to avoid the wrath of abstinence bullshit, and porn. School teachers are freakishly squeamish and porn is freakishly inaccurate, so here is what the above sources don't tell you:
1. The average erect penis length is between 4-6 inches, or 10-15cm. Pornstars are either naturally extremely well endowed, use prosthetics or surgery, or various camera tricks to make themselves appear larger.
3. The hymen does not break. It stretches through lots of different things - exercise, masturbation, inserting tampons, sponges, diaphragms, menstrual cups, sex toys, fingers, penises, etc... If someone is very tense, not aroused enough, if you go to rough or don't use enough lube the hymen may tear slightly and it can bleed.
4. Vaginas become erect during arousal in much the same way penises do, lengthening from about 2-3 inches or 5-7cm to about 10 cm. If your maths is at least as good as mine (and I can barely count) you'll notice that even when aroused the vagina is only as big as the average erection; so nobody really needs ten inch cocks except for insecure vain liars. The vagina will also lubricate itself ('getting wet'), although some biofemales suffer from vaginal dryness and extra lube is almost always needed.
5. Lube is the forgotten essential for almost all sexual activity, either solo or with partners. Biomales can use almost anything as lube (as long as it isn't, you know, damaging or painful) but biofemales should avoid getting oil-based lubricants in the vaginal canal as it is hard to flush out and can harbour harmful bacteria; although straight-up natural oils like olive or coconut oil is okay. Oil based lubricants of any kind can also damage latex condoms and make them more likely to split. Silicone based lubes shouldn't be used on sex toys made of silicone. Water based lube is safe for pretty much anything with anything or anyone.
So if you're a teenager and you haven't made your sexual debut, your knowledge of sexuality comes from two main sources - school, if you're lucky enough to avoid the wrath of abstinence bullshit, and porn. School teachers are freakishly squeamish and porn is freakishly inaccurate, so here is what the above sources don't tell you:
1. The average erect penis length is between 4-6 inches, or 10-15cm. Pornstars are either naturally extremely well endowed, use prosthetics or surgery, or various camera tricks to make themselves appear larger.
2. Most biofemales before their sexual debut don't know much about penises. Most biofemales who have made their sexual debut will tell you that size doesn't matter. LIKE IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER.
3. The hymen does not break. It stretches through lots of different things - exercise, masturbation, inserting tampons, sponges, diaphragms, menstrual cups, sex toys, fingers, penises, etc... If someone is very tense, not aroused enough, if you go to rough or don't use enough lube the hymen may tear slightly and it can bleed.
4. Vaginas become erect during arousal in much the same way penises do, lengthening from about 2-3 inches or 5-7cm to about 10 cm. If your maths is at least as good as mine (and I can barely count) you'll notice that even when aroused the vagina is only as big as the average erection; so nobody really needs ten inch cocks except for insecure vain liars. The vagina will also lubricate itself ('getting wet'), although some biofemales suffer from vaginal dryness and extra lube is almost always needed.
5. Lube is the forgotten essential for almost all sexual activity, either solo or with partners. Biomales can use almost anything as lube (as long as it isn't, you know, damaging or painful) but biofemales should avoid getting oil-based lubricants in the vaginal canal as it is hard to flush out and can harbour harmful bacteria; although straight-up natural oils like olive or coconut oil is okay. Oil based lubricants of any kind can also damage latex condoms and make them more likely to split. Silicone based lubes shouldn't be used on sex toys made of silicone. Water based lube is safe for pretty much anything with anything or anyone.
6. Anything that is used for anal play shouldn't be brought anywhere near the vulva or the mouth without washing first
7. If there is anything you shouldn't do porn-style, it's anything anal-related. Like seriously. Somebody is going to end up injured or catching something.
8. Most girls haven't got a full brazilian wax. Putting boiling hot wax on your genitals and then ripping out hair from the root is an expensive, messy, painful business. I'm just saying, hair is kind of the default. Incidentally, female pubic hair naturally grows on the mons pubis, the labia majora, and the perineum up to the anus - with some girls having hair on their inner thighs and some having a line from the mons pubis to the navel. If someone is maintaining good hygiene there's nothing dirty about pubic hair and if you think somebody should be obligated to do anything painful to make a more appealing hole for you to stick your penis in...you're going to be going a long time with nothing to stick your penis in.
9. Boobs in porn? Plastic surgery and really good bras. Not real. Australian obscenity law also claims that the labia minora is 'too obscene' for...porn...(yeah, I don't get it either) and so most softcore porn images have female genitalia 'healed' to a single crease either digitally or surgically. Unmodified women don't look like that. Actually, nobody looks like porn stars; porn stars don't even look like porn stars.
10. The way in which people interact in porn, especially the treatment of women, is just...not okay. Most of it is rape and sexual assault. The porn industry comes from the film industry and not the sex industry and so its primary purpose is to entertain - often to appeal to the male gaze and to perpetuate the glorification of sexual violence as erotic.
11. Just keep in mind that depictions of sex, not just in porn but also in mainstream media...it's a scene. It's just acting. Whether it's just a simulation or if they're actually getting it on, they're not making love, they're not having sex it's just...some body parts going into other body parts. People probably aren't enjoying themselves, probably wouldn't do their costars in real life and there's more to human sexuality than what goes where.
'we are all differently broken, semi-functional, rusted out love machines'
Now Playing: Terrible Love by The Nationals (it takes an ocean not to break)
A lot of people ask me why I'm so open about...well, a lot of things. Problems. People. Et cetera.
I myself have never found a way around being open; I have always found that people are obsessed with creating their own reasons to why things are, and, well, some of the things they say are breathtakingly insulting, heartbreakingly painful or just ludicrously stupid.
I'm open about who I am, what I've been through, the problems I have and my thousand deviations from 'normal' because I feel like people demand this openness of me. I have to explain why I am what I am, constantly defend my actions, legitimise things that shouldn't even be things.
We live in a world where we think that this 'normal ideal' exists, that most parts of most people are the same. We live in a world where you're not allowed to be sad unless something universally accepted as terrible has happened, and we live in a world where you are obligated to be happy in the absence of something universally accepted as terrible. We allow social norms and public opinion to fabricate fake emotions and dismiss real ones. We live in a world where everything we do is only validated by what is 'normal'.
I'm not normal. How I feel is almost totally detached yet all at once deeply connected with the world around me. People don't understand why I do the things I do; I don't understand the things I do. People are obsessed with reason, with why, with the problem of why I'm not normal. I'm not normal because normal doesn't exist. It's this lie we tell ourselves, that everyone cries at this and everyone laughs at that and when people can't, or don't, we just can't cope. Never has anyone thought of me as an individual; never has it occurred to people that I don't see the world the way someone normal would; the world affects me in ways it probably never occurred to you, and big deals to you are nothing to me.
But I am not the exception to the rule; the only rule there is, really, when it comes to people, is that everyone is an exception. Everyone has their own reasons, their own motivations, their own way of being and it is maliciously cruel and heartbreakingly selfish that we try and impose what should be on people who cannot...cannot be as they should be.
I talk about why things are the way they are with me because I am constantly stung by the lack of empathy. I was always taught to not talk about what you don't know and, well, I can count on one hand all the people who have bothered to get to know me. People have told me that I'm obsessively, unhealthily attached to people purely based on a few subtle things I do when people leave; they don't know what it's like, to be hit in the stomach by this feeling of dread, to have the tears come and have no idea why - and it happens, every time, totally detached from who I meet or what happened. I don't know why I get so stressed and anxious and I don't know why the release from that feels terrible and not good. I just want someone - anyone - to stay, to put that off for as long as possible. Forgive me for being human.
I have no idea why emotional stability is considered a good or normal thing. People who are emotionally stable are by definition pretty emotionless, and the only thing worse than fighting with someone you love is fighting with a brick wall. I'm not going to pretend to be emotionally stable because you're so fucking terrified of what you don't understand. Is that why people are so terrified of science? Is that why people are so terrified of a godless world? There are so many things we don't understand, starting with every single person you've ever met and judged and hated without getting to know. I can't do what people expect me to do; I can't be the person people think I'm supposed to be. I can't let myself down like that, and even if I could, I can't. I can't do it. I don't like being this randomly crying, volatile person but it is exhaustingly empty to pretend to be what people want me to be, which is essentially nothing. People want me to smile and cry on demand and I can't do that. Nobody can.
That's the thing, you know. Nobody is normal; we all know that about ourselves, and we're terrified of it - so terrified that we will actively persecute and ostracise people who are broken in a different way as if to say 'I'm not crazy, she's the crazy'. When people are done making me feel shit about the things about me that I can't control they move on to my friends; and sometimes, I can't defend them. I don't know why they do the things they do. But I love them all the same because, you know, they love me in spite of everything. And people like that are few and far between.
I've been hurt. The things that have hurt me might not have hurt you, but you're not me. I did not realise how badly I have been hurt until now, when the smallest things are daunting and I am afraid. I will find some kind of equilibrium in time, although I will never be normal. That might bother you, but I'm not in the business of making everyone happy. But...I know the power of words and whispers. I am afraid that people will see me and judge, and that judgement will spread like poison and take those I love away from me. I'm afraid that people will be afraid to be seen with me, to associate with me, when I am blatantly incapable of maintaining an appropriate facade. I have many flaws, as a person and as a friend, but I have never failed anybody on this account: we are all differently broken, semi-functional, rusted out love machines. Everyone is a volatile element and there is no guessing who will react to what in what way. People by nature are dangerous and uncontrollable and unpredictable but I have never held that against anyone, and I never will. I only hope I will find people to return the favour.
A lot of people ask me why I'm so open about...well, a lot of things. Problems. People. Et cetera.
I myself have never found a way around being open; I have always found that people are obsessed with creating their own reasons to why things are, and, well, some of the things they say are breathtakingly insulting, heartbreakingly painful or just ludicrously stupid.
I'm open about who I am, what I've been through, the problems I have and my thousand deviations from 'normal' because I feel like people demand this openness of me. I have to explain why I am what I am, constantly defend my actions, legitimise things that shouldn't even be things.
We live in a world where we think that this 'normal ideal' exists, that most parts of most people are the same. We live in a world where you're not allowed to be sad unless something universally accepted as terrible has happened, and we live in a world where you are obligated to be happy in the absence of something universally accepted as terrible. We allow social norms and public opinion to fabricate fake emotions and dismiss real ones. We live in a world where everything we do is only validated by what is 'normal'.
I'm not normal. How I feel is almost totally detached yet all at once deeply connected with the world around me. People don't understand why I do the things I do; I don't understand the things I do. People are obsessed with reason, with why, with the problem of why I'm not normal. I'm not normal because normal doesn't exist. It's this lie we tell ourselves, that everyone cries at this and everyone laughs at that and when people can't, or don't, we just can't cope. Never has anyone thought of me as an individual; never has it occurred to people that I don't see the world the way someone normal would; the world affects me in ways it probably never occurred to you, and big deals to you are nothing to me.
But I am not the exception to the rule; the only rule there is, really, when it comes to people, is that everyone is an exception. Everyone has their own reasons, their own motivations, their own way of being and it is maliciously cruel and heartbreakingly selfish that we try and impose what should be on people who cannot...cannot be as they should be.
I talk about why things are the way they are with me because I am constantly stung by the lack of empathy. I was always taught to not talk about what you don't know and, well, I can count on one hand all the people who have bothered to get to know me. People have told me that I'm obsessively, unhealthily attached to people purely based on a few subtle things I do when people leave; they don't know what it's like, to be hit in the stomach by this feeling of dread, to have the tears come and have no idea why - and it happens, every time, totally detached from who I meet or what happened. I don't know why I get so stressed and anxious and I don't know why the release from that feels terrible and not good. I just want someone - anyone - to stay, to put that off for as long as possible. Forgive me for being human.
I have no idea why emotional stability is considered a good or normal thing. People who are emotionally stable are by definition pretty emotionless, and the only thing worse than fighting with someone you love is fighting with a brick wall. I'm not going to pretend to be emotionally stable because you're so fucking terrified of what you don't understand. Is that why people are so terrified of science? Is that why people are so terrified of a godless world? There are so many things we don't understand, starting with every single person you've ever met and judged and hated without getting to know. I can't do what people expect me to do; I can't be the person people think I'm supposed to be. I can't let myself down like that, and even if I could, I can't. I can't do it. I don't like being this randomly crying, volatile person but it is exhaustingly empty to pretend to be what people want me to be, which is essentially nothing. People want me to smile and cry on demand and I can't do that. Nobody can.
That's the thing, you know. Nobody is normal; we all know that about ourselves, and we're terrified of it - so terrified that we will actively persecute and ostracise people who are broken in a different way as if to say 'I'm not crazy, she's the crazy'. When people are done making me feel shit about the things about me that I can't control they move on to my friends; and sometimes, I can't defend them. I don't know why they do the things they do. But I love them all the same because, you know, they love me in spite of everything. And people like that are few and far between.
I've been hurt. The things that have hurt me might not have hurt you, but you're not me. I did not realise how badly I have been hurt until now, when the smallest things are daunting and I am afraid. I will find some kind of equilibrium in time, although I will never be normal. That might bother you, but I'm not in the business of making everyone happy. But...I know the power of words and whispers. I am afraid that people will see me and judge, and that judgement will spread like poison and take those I love away from me. I'm afraid that people will be afraid to be seen with me, to associate with me, when I am blatantly incapable of maintaining an appropriate facade. I have many flaws, as a person and as a friend, but I have never failed anybody on this account: we are all differently broken, semi-functional, rusted out love machines. Everyone is a volatile element and there is no guessing who will react to what in what way. People by nature are dangerous and uncontrollable and unpredictable but I have never held that against anyone, and I never will. I only hope I will find people to return the favour.
Battlelines.
Do I still love you?
I cannot bear the thought ofyou getting hurt
I wish you would look after yourself
A little better,for me
Anything for me
I am only at peace when I know in my heart you are safe and sound
If you were to break down I would fix you
Put you back together brick byboring brick
Do I still love you?
I hate it when you do that
I have hated you so much I would have smiled if you were dead at my feet
Sometimes
For every smile you have put on my face I can count a thousand thousand tears
DoI still love you?
Sometimes you disgust me
Sometimes I can smell you on me
Lingering long afteryou leave too early
You do things and say things
That would shatter any childish illusions
Is love unconditional or just stupid?
Do Istill love you?
Your face always falls when I agree with you
I am not someone who will tell you what you want to hear
But I'mnot your honest friend, either
I don't know what I amto you
Everything you giveyou take back
Everything you giveyou take back
Everything you giveyou take back
AndI'm breaking down
I'm breaking down
Breaking down
Breaking
Down
Do I stilllove you?
Itdoesn't feel good or right
Blood pouring freely from an opened vein
I live on memories andvague touch
Andyou bleed me dry
If you were to live on blood and tears you would survive
Ifyou're homesick give me your hand and I'll hold it
Do I still loveyou?
I hate it
I HATE IT WHEN YOU TALK OF
No
I will smilefor you
How are we friends when I hide so much from you?
How am I to move on?
I'm trapped as you are and your cage is more gilded than mine
Who will want me now?
Who will want me when I'm yours and not yours and
And
And
Me?
That's theproblem
It's not you,it's me
Your predecessor said that
I cut him down and cried and cried
But something stays my hand
AndI cannot abandon you even if you abandon me
It isnot honour
There is nohonour left
Do I still love you?
Sometimes you are my dearest friend
You stand with me and hold my hand through anything
You are the last man standing, the last man smiling
But sometimesyou're just one of them
The straw thatbroke the camel's back
Why have I found no one like you?
Nobody as good as you
Nobody as bad as you
Is that why we stay?
Are we exotic?
The prince and the freak
What an oddcouple we are
I don't need a tiger on a gold leash
I just need you to hold me
I just need you to be there and smile
Tell me everything will be okay
You do thatsometimes, but not all the time
Ghostly rings with no reply
In my mind you are so different to what you really are
This was your idea, you know
Whatever this is, this is your arson
Your creation
Your fault
Did I ever love you?
Did you ever love me back?
I don't speak of
I don't mean
When I say that I
I hope you understand
We have walked forbidden roads before
But it is no crime to say it now
But ifyou don't want to well then
Well then
That
I guess
Would be alright
I don't feel alright because you make promises that you break
Did I everlove you?
Actions speaklouder than words
We are what we do, not what we say
And that is a lot, from me
Do I still love you?
Did I ever love you?
I know you don't love me.
You said it once, but
I have learned not to believe what you say.
I cannot bear the thought of
A little better,
Put you back together brick by
I hate it when you do that
Sometimes
For every smile you have put on my face
Do
Sometimes
Sometimes I can smell you on me
Lingering long after
You do things and say things
Do I
I am not someone who will tell you what you want to hear
But I'm
I don't know what I am
Everything you give
Everything you give
Everything you give
And
Breaking
Down
Do I still
It
I live on memories and
And
If
Do I still love
I HATE IT WHEN YOU TALK OF
No
I will smile
How are we friends when
How am I to move on?
Who will want me now?
Who will want me when
And
And
Me?
That's the
It's not you,
Your predecessor said that
I cut him down and cried and cried
But something stays my hand
And
It is
There is no
Do I still love you
You stand with me and hold my hand through anything
You are the last man standing, the last man smiling
But sometimes
The straw that
Why have I found no one like you?
Nobody as good as you
Is that why we stay?
Are we exotic?
The prince and the freak
What an odd
I don't need a tiger on a gold leash
I just need you to hold me
I just need you to be there and smile
Tell me everything will be okay
You do that
Ghostly rings with no reply
This was your idea, you know
Your creation
I don't speak of
I don't mean
When I say that I
We have walked forbidden roads before
But it is no crime to say it now
But if
Well then
That
I guess
I don't feel alright because
Did I ever
Actions speak
We are what we do, not what we say
And that is a lot, from me
I have learned not to believe
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
speak now #19: my experiences with anxiety
Now Playing: Terrible Love by Birdy (I can't fall asleep without a little help, it takes a while to settle down my shivered bones, wait til the panic's out)
I have another secret.
A lot of people wonder why I sometimes actively avoid social gatherings. I have been known to cancel on parties for no apparent reason, even though I generally have a good time at parties if everything goes well. Conversely, I am either rushing off to meet someone else straight after meeting up with a friend, or kind of...clingy when people leave.
Just saying, I know about all this stuff.
Everyone has a different experience of anxiety, and it shows in different ways in different people; it can also be triggered by many different things and reduced by many other different things.
In my younger and more vulnerable years I didn't really have what you'd call a busy social life. I spent a lot of time at home because, you know, I'm an introvert - I blogged, I read, I researched (incidentally, I do a lot of non-school, non-uni related research; which is why my general knowledge is somewhat impressive for my age). So there was that, and the fact that I didn't really have that many friends growing up and...I won't lie. It was lonely. Sometimes heartbreakingly lonely.
But, you know, you get used to it. I'm definitely used to spending a lot of time alone, to the extent that most of the absurd amount of time I spend essentially doing nothing at uni I really don't mind; I like being alone, I like my space, and I like doing things like blogging or listening to music or reading that isn't really conducive to productive social interaction.
That being said, I do love people. I've really found my crowd in uni - but when I say that I don't mean a circle of friends, but more like a list of individual relationships that are unique and separate from each other. Each relationship has its own flaws, its own benefits, its own dynamics and power struggles but it's not too hard to keep up with because I don't really have that many friends. I'm not complaining. I had too many friends in year eleven and that resulted in too many people to stab me in the back. But they really are individual relationships and the only thing my friends have in common is, well, me...occasionally one of them will run into the other but there's no real cohesion.
Another thing I've found about uni is that it is a real pain in the ass to make time for people. Uni people invariably have more "free time" than high schoolers, but when you factor in partners and part time jobs and partners and "study" and partners and travel time and having other friends and partners and partners (I'm highlighting this because all my friends randomly got partnered up and it is very annoying), plus the fact that every single person has a unique timetable, it is kind of hard to find mutually available time to do friend stuff. A bonus is that you really get to pick and choose your friends as individuals instead of trying to ram yourself into a clique, and if you have a problem with someone or a relationship isn't working out you aren't really obligated to spend much time with them like you are in high school. And, if you're like me with lots of two-people relationships and not a network of intersecting relationships, the time you spend with friends is very one on one and intimate - which I love, because I'm a sucker for attention. But those interactions are not very frequent (when you compare the obligatory socialising of recess and lunch at high school) and kind of unreliable.
So from these three things.
I'm still not fully used to having friends who aren't obscenely fake or about to stab me in the back. I'm not used to having people who want to spend time with me and will actively go out of their way to see me. To be brutally honest I'm not used to leaving the house for anything other than school. So that can be kind of...overwhelming, sometimes. If I'm meeting up with someone or going to a gathering I'm normally stressed out the night before. I probably don't get much sleep. I am almost always grumpy and nervous when I'm getting ready. And I really, really, really hate being late.
I am extremely socially awkward; I hate talking on phones, waitresses freak me out, and if I'm shopping I will actively avoid sales assistants because I will embarass myself by getting extremely tongue tied. So meeting up with people is also kind of stressful.
Also, apparently I have a lisp or some kind of accent that is apparently hard to understand - I know I stutter occasionally but I smell a rat with this whole lisp thing. I also have kind of bad hearing when people speak - sometimes I hear words but they just don't register, and sometimes voices are just really hard to hear; especially male voices. So that doesn't help the social incompetence thing much, because I can't hear anybody and nobody can understand me.
...this is why I love Facebook chat.
These kinds of things, I guess, are explainable - I didn't have much of a social life growing up, I'm very socially awkward and friends are a pretty rare and precious thing for me. I don't really know why I get so stressed out, but you remember one bad incident more than you remember a thousand good ones and there are certain times...and certain people... that have fucked me up a bit. But the thing that is harder to explain are my mood swings.
I get pretty bad mood swings; it's one of the remnants of depression. In the extreme I have had depressive episodes that last for days and pretty intense panic attacks, but in between are these really unexplainable mood swings; how I feel isn't really tied to what is happening to me anymore, which is kind of freaky. There are some patterns; the weather, my menstrual cycle, and my mood is generally more stable if I spend a lot of time really busy and active and social - seeing lots of people and doing lots of stuff - or if I spend a lot of time by myself, sleeping and surfing the net and being a slob. I've also noticed that I am much more sensitive, and much more likely to pick fights or throw tantrums with people if we are texting or emailing or chatting on facebook; when I'm talking to people in person I'm usually a bit more stable. But because social environments and socialising is so stressful, the second people leave I usually feel...terrible. Even if everything went well, even if the conversation was fun and I get lots of hugs (hugs, incidentally, are amazing mood stabilisers; gotta love oxytocin) and we didn't manage to piss each other off or kill each other...when a meeting ends I usually end up feeling miserable for no apparent reason and crying over nothing which is embarassing and just not fun. You'd think I'd be happy that I'd met a friend, or relieved that the stress of social things is over, but it doesn't really work out that way.
I've noticed that if I've spent at least four or five hours with someone - which I know sounds like a long ass time, but I'm smart and all my friends are smart and we have lots to say (and at any rate, a four hour date is not a long time when you see someone like once a fortnight, if that) - I don't get that sudden mood swing, or it's a lot less noticable. It's also a lot better if I rush off to something else afterwards, which is why I often try to cram a lot of different meetings into one day. It's also not so bad if I coincidentally meet up with someone, or if a catchup is kind of spontaneous and spur of the moment. It's worst when I only see someone for one or two hours, I don't know when I'm going to see them next, and meeting up had been planned for a while.
So that's the very long convoluted story on why I get clingy when people leave. It's because I know what's coming, I don't exactly know how to stop it, and it would be so much better if I could waste more time that you don't have. It's also the story of why I sometimes don't bother, with this whole 'friends' thing - I know I've lost too many friends through mutual neglect and drifting apart. I get bullied, a lot, for being 'clingy' or 'obsessive', or for being a loner but anxiety has really impacted how I associate with people and the effect people have on me.
Anxiety and relationships
Anxiety has obviously impacted on my relationships in lots of different ways. When I'm very stressed out I can sometimes, unbelievably, come off as easygoing - I often let other people choose where we're going and what we're eating and what we're talking about. In reality I am easygoing about some things with some people but I am by no stretch of the imagination a pushover; there have been fireworks when people make that mistake. People also think I'm shy or coy, and more than one person has gotten angry when they realise that I enjoy lots of physical contact with my friends but they had assumed I was one of those look-but-don't-touch girls. That's the problem with having anxiety; people assume lots of things. People assume you're quiet, or shy, or sensitive, or clingy. They assume you're okay, when sometimes you're not.
PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW
I have another secret.
A lot of people wonder why I sometimes actively avoid social gatherings. I have been known to cancel on parties for no apparent reason, even though I generally have a good time at parties if everything goes well. Conversely, I am either rushing off to meet someone else straight after meeting up with a friend, or kind of...clingy when people leave.
Just saying, I know about all this stuff.
Everyone has a different experience of anxiety, and it shows in different ways in different people; it can also be triggered by many different things and reduced by many other different things.
In my younger and more vulnerable years I didn't really have what you'd call a busy social life. I spent a lot of time at home because, you know, I'm an introvert - I blogged, I read, I researched (incidentally, I do a lot of non-school, non-uni related research; which is why my general knowledge is somewhat impressive for my age). So there was that, and the fact that I didn't really have that many friends growing up and...I won't lie. It was lonely. Sometimes heartbreakingly lonely.
But, you know, you get used to it. I'm definitely used to spending a lot of time alone, to the extent that most of the absurd amount of time I spend essentially doing nothing at uni I really don't mind; I like being alone, I like my space, and I like doing things like blogging or listening to music or reading that isn't really conducive to productive social interaction.
That being said, I do love people. I've really found my crowd in uni - but when I say that I don't mean a circle of friends, but more like a list of individual relationships that are unique and separate from each other. Each relationship has its own flaws, its own benefits, its own dynamics and power struggles but it's not too hard to keep up with because I don't really have that many friends. I'm not complaining. I had too many friends in year eleven and that resulted in too many people to stab me in the back. But they really are individual relationships and the only thing my friends have in common is, well, me...occasionally one of them will run into the other but there's no real cohesion.
Another thing I've found about uni is that it is a real pain in the ass to make time for people. Uni people invariably have more "free time" than high schoolers, but when you factor in partners and part time jobs and partners and "study" and partners and travel time and having other friends and partners and partners (I'm highlighting this because all my friends randomly got partnered up and it is very annoying), plus the fact that every single person has a unique timetable, it is kind of hard to find mutually available time to do friend stuff. A bonus is that you really get to pick and choose your friends as individuals instead of trying to ram yourself into a clique, and if you have a problem with someone or a relationship isn't working out you aren't really obligated to spend much time with them like you are in high school. And, if you're like me with lots of two-people relationships and not a network of intersecting relationships, the time you spend with friends is very one on one and intimate - which I love, because I'm a sucker for attention. But those interactions are not very frequent (when you compare the obligatory socialising of recess and lunch at high school) and kind of unreliable.
So from these three things.
I'm still not fully used to having friends who aren't obscenely fake or about to stab me in the back. I'm not used to having people who want to spend time with me and will actively go out of their way to see me. To be brutally honest I'm not used to leaving the house for anything other than school. So that can be kind of...overwhelming, sometimes. If I'm meeting up with someone or going to a gathering I'm normally stressed out the night before. I probably don't get much sleep. I am almost always grumpy and nervous when I'm getting ready. And I really, really, really hate being late.
I am extremely socially awkward; I hate talking on phones, waitresses freak me out, and if I'm shopping I will actively avoid sales assistants because I will embarass myself by getting extremely tongue tied. So meeting up with people is also kind of stressful.
Also, apparently I have a lisp or some kind of accent that is apparently hard to understand - I know I stutter occasionally but I smell a rat with this whole lisp thing. I also have kind of bad hearing when people speak - sometimes I hear words but they just don't register, and sometimes voices are just really hard to hear; especially male voices. So that doesn't help the social incompetence thing much, because I can't hear anybody and nobody can understand me.
...this is why I love Facebook chat.
These kinds of things, I guess, are explainable - I didn't have much of a social life growing up, I'm very socially awkward and friends are a pretty rare and precious thing for me. I don't really know why I get so stressed out, but you remember one bad incident more than you remember a thousand good ones and there are certain times...and certain people... that have fucked me up a bit. But the thing that is harder to explain are my mood swings.
I get pretty bad mood swings; it's one of the remnants of depression. In the extreme I have had depressive episodes that last for days and pretty intense panic attacks, but in between are these really unexplainable mood swings; how I feel isn't really tied to what is happening to me anymore, which is kind of freaky. There are some patterns; the weather, my menstrual cycle, and my mood is generally more stable if I spend a lot of time really busy and active and social - seeing lots of people and doing lots of stuff - or if I spend a lot of time by myself, sleeping and surfing the net and being a slob. I've also noticed that I am much more sensitive, and much more likely to pick fights or throw tantrums with people if we are texting or emailing or chatting on facebook; when I'm talking to people in person I'm usually a bit more stable. But because social environments and socialising is so stressful, the second people leave I usually feel...terrible. Even if everything went well, even if the conversation was fun and I get lots of hugs (hugs, incidentally, are amazing mood stabilisers; gotta love oxytocin) and we didn't manage to piss each other off or kill each other...when a meeting ends I usually end up feeling miserable for no apparent reason and crying over nothing which is embarassing and just not fun. You'd think I'd be happy that I'd met a friend, or relieved that the stress of social things is over, but it doesn't really work out that way.
I've noticed that if I've spent at least four or five hours with someone - which I know sounds like a long ass time, but I'm smart and all my friends are smart and we have lots to say (and at any rate, a four hour date is not a long time when you see someone like once a fortnight, if that) - I don't get that sudden mood swing, or it's a lot less noticable. It's also a lot better if I rush off to something else afterwards, which is why I often try to cram a lot of different meetings into one day. It's also not so bad if I coincidentally meet up with someone, or if a catchup is kind of spontaneous and spur of the moment. It's worst when I only see someone for one or two hours, I don't know when I'm going to see them next, and meeting up had been planned for a while.
So that's the very long convoluted story on why I get clingy when people leave. It's because I know what's coming, I don't exactly know how to stop it, and it would be so much better if I could waste more time that you don't have. It's also the story of why I sometimes don't bother, with this whole 'friends' thing - I know I've lost too many friends through mutual neglect and drifting apart. I get bullied, a lot, for being 'clingy' or 'obsessive', or for being a loner but anxiety has really impacted how I associate with people and the effect people have on me.
Anxiety and relationships
Anxiety has obviously impacted on my relationships in lots of different ways. When I'm very stressed out I can sometimes, unbelievably, come off as easygoing - I often let other people choose where we're going and what we're eating and what we're talking about. In reality I am easygoing about some things with some people but I am by no stretch of the imagination a pushover; there have been fireworks when people make that mistake. People also think I'm shy or coy, and more than one person has gotten angry when they realise that I enjoy lots of physical contact with my friends but they had assumed I was one of those look-but-don't-touch girls. That's the problem with having anxiety; people assume lots of things. People assume you're quiet, or shy, or sensitive, or clingy. They assume you're okay, when sometimes you're not.
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