Remember that time,
When you just wanted to grow up to be a big girl?
When you didn't know anything about this big scary world.
Remember that time,
When all you wanted was an 'A' grade?
When you didn't know that it was the ditzy girls who had it made.
I want to go back to that time,
That time that has slipped away.
I want to go back to that time when it was okay to make a mistake.
I want to go back to that time,
That time when I didn't know half of what I know now,
Because half of what I know now is
That people break hearts and people aren't nice,
And you've got to learn how to bitch back.
Now I know that you've got to watch your back,
And you've always got to be ready for a surprise attack.
Now I know that there's nobody I can trust,
I want to go back to that time,
When I didn't need to know.
Remember that time,
When love was getting hugs from mum?
When you didn't know that there are these other things called boys.
Remember that time,
When all you dreamed of in the world was chocolate cake?
When you would have laughed yourself silly if someone said something like 'heartbreak'.
I want to go back to that time,
That time that has slipped away.
I want to go back to that time when it was okay to make a mistake.
I want to go back to that time,
That time when I didn't know half of what I know now,
Because half of what I know now is
That people break hearts and people aren't nice,
And you've got to learn how to bitch back.
Now I know that you've got to watch your back,
And you've always got to be ready for a surprise attack.
Now I know that there's nobody I can trust,
I want to go back to that time,
When I didn't need to know.
I want to go back to that time,
When I could be comforted by an 'it's gonna be okay'.
I would go back to that time,
If I had it my way.
I don't know why I tried to rush out of that,
Because now I'm trying to force myself back in.
But that's life, I guess,
You don't know until you lose,
Exactly what you win.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Sometimes I feel like the only weak one.
I was five when the 9/11 attacks happened in 2001.
Since then, every day on the news I would hear about American soldiers dying in places like Iraq and Afghanistan.
To be honest, it didn't mean much to me. When you hear about death like that, all the time, every day, it just flies past you. When you're five you're too impatient to be worried about what the grey-haired lady is saying on the TV. I didn't even know where America or Iraq or Afghanistan was or what the hell was going on. I thought 9/11 was just some scary movie mum was watching when I wanted to watch Play School.
Now that I'm older and I sort of understand what's going on, I'm horrified that I've been hardened towards death. I hear about people dying left right centre - war, random murders involving God-willed decapitation, etc. It flies past me now. It's like that for all of us, all of us who have seen and heard of this Iraq War before we were old enough to understand, whilst we were young enough to become immune to death.
We watched a documentary on the events of 9/11 in year seven, and it scared the living daylights out of me - it was the first time that this war hit home, for some reason - the smoke, fire, panic of the dramatic re-enactment and the stock footage of the actual event. My classmates watched deadpan, expressionless, even bored, watching something that claimed so many lives.
I just feel like we've been hardened against something we really should fear, immunized from something we really should experienced. I think we're being protected from what we really should know.
Since then, every day on the news I would hear about American soldiers dying in places like Iraq and Afghanistan.
To be honest, it didn't mean much to me. When you hear about death like that, all the time, every day, it just flies past you. When you're five you're too impatient to be worried about what the grey-haired lady is saying on the TV. I didn't even know where America or Iraq or Afghanistan was or what the hell was going on. I thought 9/11 was just some scary movie mum was watching when I wanted to watch Play School.
Now that I'm older and I sort of understand what's going on, I'm horrified that I've been hardened towards death. I hear about people dying left right centre - war, random murders involving God-willed decapitation, etc. It flies past me now. It's like that for all of us, all of us who have seen and heard of this Iraq War before we were old enough to understand, whilst we were young enough to become immune to death.
We watched a documentary on the events of 9/11 in year seven, and it scared the living daylights out of me - it was the first time that this war hit home, for some reason - the smoke, fire, panic of the dramatic re-enactment and the stock footage of the actual event. My classmates watched deadpan, expressionless, even bored, watching something that claimed so many lives.
I just feel like we've been hardened against something we really should fear, immunized from something we really should experienced. I think we're being protected from what we really should know.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
What We've Become
It's been a long time
Since you smiled at me,
Sometimes I find myself missing you.
It's been a long time,
Since I laughed with you,
Before you made everyone laugh at me.
And so here we are,
Smiling over what made me cry,
We gotta put our poker faces on, you know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
And even though I'm a girl I don't get much of a leeway.
The schoolyard is not a place to breakdown,
Even though it's such an emotional battleground.
I don't like what we've become,
If we could start over again what would you have done?
You say something cruel to me,
I smile, try to take it lightly,
I like to think that you wouldn't if you didn't have to.
I counter all your mean remarks,
I know my words are like knives and they'll leave a scar,
But no matter why you fight I've still got to fight back.
And so here we are,
Trying to make each other cry,
We gotta put our poker faces on, you know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
And part of the job description is heartbreak.
The schoolyard is not a place to breakdown,
Even though it's such an emotional battleground.
I don't like what we've become,
But I don't know what else I could have done.
It's so sad you still know how to be so cold,
I wonder what happened to my little boy,
I guess he got tougher as he grew old.
We're still connected by a thread we try to break.
Because no matter what we do,
We're still bound by what we went through,
And my only comfort is that no matter how bitter we are,
There was once a time when we had fun.
And so here we are,
Smiling over what made me cry,
We gotta put our poker faces on, you know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
And even though I'm a girl I don't get much of a leeway.
The schoolyard is not a place to breakdown,
Even though it's such an emotional battleground.
I don't like what we've become,
If we could start over again what would you have done?
And so here we are,
Trying to make each other cry,
We gotta put our poker faces on, you know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
And part of the job description is heartbreak.
The schoolyard is not a place to breakdown,
Even though it's such an emotional battleground.
I don't like what we've become,
But I don't know what else I could have done.
There was a time of innocence,
Do you remember that?
I think this is too high a price to pay for a few moments of joy.
We've become so cold now,
Forever trying to stab each other's backs.
Do you remember when we used to be friends?
Can you remember that,
Before we became this?
And so here we are,
So childish it makes me cry,
They ask too much of us, I don't know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
You've got to paint me as the bitch who got it her way.
I still think what happened was unfair,
But I know I can't change what happened whilst we still have to pretend we don't care.
I don't like what we've become,
If we could start over again what would you have done?
Do you know what we've become?
If you knew this was how it was going to end what would you have done?
I'd like to think you just made some stupid mistakes,
And this is the price I have to pay for your ridiculously high stakes.
I don't like what we've come,
But I don't know what else I could have done.
Since you smiled at me,
Sometimes I find myself missing you.
It's been a long time,
Since I laughed with you,
Before you made everyone laugh at me.
And so here we are,
Smiling over what made me cry,
We gotta put our poker faces on, you know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
And even though I'm a girl I don't get much of a leeway.
The schoolyard is not a place to breakdown,
Even though it's such an emotional battleground.
I don't like what we've become,
If we could start over again what would you have done?
You say something cruel to me,
I smile, try to take it lightly,
I like to think that you wouldn't if you didn't have to.
I counter all your mean remarks,
I know my words are like knives and they'll leave a scar,
But no matter why you fight I've still got to fight back.
And so here we are,
Trying to make each other cry,
We gotta put our poker faces on, you know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
And part of the job description is heartbreak.
The schoolyard is not a place to breakdown,
Even though it's such an emotional battleground.
I don't like what we've become,
But I don't know what else I could have done.
It's so sad you still know how to be so cold,
I wonder what happened to my little boy,
I guess he got tougher as he grew old.
We're still connected by a thread we try to break.
Because no matter what we do,
We're still bound by what we went through,
And my only comfort is that no matter how bitter we are,
There was once a time when we had fun.
And so here we are,
Smiling over what made me cry,
We gotta put our poker faces on, you know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
And even though I'm a girl I don't get much of a leeway.
The schoolyard is not a place to breakdown,
Even though it's such an emotional battleground.
I don't like what we've become,
If we could start over again what would you have done?
And so here we are,
Trying to make each other cry,
We gotta put our poker faces on, you know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
And part of the job description is heartbreak.
The schoolyard is not a place to breakdown,
Even though it's such an emotional battleground.
I don't like what we've become,
But I don't know what else I could have done.
There was a time of innocence,
Do you remember that?
I think this is too high a price to pay for a few moments of joy.
We've become so cold now,
Forever trying to stab each other's backs.
Do you remember when we used to be friends?
Can you remember that,
Before we became this?
And so here we are,
So childish it makes me cry,
They ask too much of us, I don't know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
You've got to paint me as the bitch who got it her way.
I still think what happened was unfair,
But I know I can't change what happened whilst we still have to pretend we don't care.
I don't like what we've become,
If we could start over again what would you have done?
Do you know what we've become?
If you knew this was how it was going to end what would you have done?
I'd like to think you just made some stupid mistakes,
And this is the price I have to pay for your ridiculously high stakes.
I don't like what we've come,
But I don't know what else I could have done.
But I do.
A million of them,
Too many to ignore,
When you're not the winner you always want more.
Both judge and prize...
Maybe next time.
Shouldn't want,
But I do.
Too many to ignore,
When you're not the winner you always want more.
Both judge and prize...
Maybe next time.
Shouldn't want,
But I do.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
The Seventh Grade
I'm so glad you made time to see me,
How's life, tell me how's your family,
I haven't seen them in a while.
I guess you could say that I've been good,
Busier than ever,
We small talk,
Working the weather,
It's getting awkward and we both know why.
Because the last time you saw me we were getting out of seventh grade,
I had my mind set on the future and I threw my past away,
I should have known there was something good about the bad.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
And admitting that since those days nothing has really been right.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
What's the point of freedom if I can't share it with you,
You can't share joy with people who are so cold to you,
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the seventh grade one more time.
Sometimes I stay up playing back,
All those silly things we used to say,
When we were playground sisters I felt so safe.
It didn't matter what those boys did to me,
Or how all those teachers turned around and betrayed me,
I knew that with my friends everything would be okay.
But I spent all my time with you dreaming of a sweet escape,
Things are good now but with you they'd be so great,
If only I could still be with you.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
And admitting that I haven't found your current-day counterparts.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
I'm stuck in the past,
Not enjoying the present without you,
I haven't moved on,
Like I know I should do,
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the seventh grade one more time.
I'm just saying,
I haven't found anyone good enough to replace you,
We were a Gang of Four,
And now I'm a Gang of Nobody,
Revenge is not as sweet without you.
I'm just saying,
Life's going great now,
I just with that you could see me now,
I wish we could erase the distance.
Victory is not the same,
When there's nobody to cheer you on.
I wish we could go back to the days,
When I was there for you,
And you were there for me.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
And admitting that since those days nothing has really been right.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
What's the point of freedom if I can't share it with you,
You can't share joy with people who are so cold to you,
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the seventh grade one more time.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
And admitting that I haven't found your current-day counterparts.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
I'm stuck in the past,
Not enjoying the present without you,
I haven't moved on,
Like I know I should do,
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the seventh grade one more time.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
I forgot to add that this poem was inspired by the amazing new song off Taylor Swift's new album Speak Now - 'Back To December'.
How's life, tell me how's your family,
I haven't seen them in a while.
I guess you could say that I've been good,
Busier than ever,
We small talk,
Working the weather,
It's getting awkward and we both know why.
Because the last time you saw me we were getting out of seventh grade,
I had my mind set on the future and I threw my past away,
I should have known there was something good about the bad.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
And admitting that since those days nothing has really been right.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
What's the point of freedom if I can't share it with you,
You can't share joy with people who are so cold to you,
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the seventh grade one more time.
Sometimes I stay up playing back,
All those silly things we used to say,
When we were playground sisters I felt so safe.
It didn't matter what those boys did to me,
Or how all those teachers turned around and betrayed me,
I knew that with my friends everything would be okay.
But I spent all my time with you dreaming of a sweet escape,
Things are good now but with you they'd be so great,
If only I could still be with you.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
And admitting that I haven't found your current-day counterparts.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
I'm stuck in the past,
Not enjoying the present without you,
I haven't moved on,
Like I know I should do,
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the seventh grade one more time.
I'm just saying,
I haven't found anyone good enough to replace you,
We were a Gang of Four,
And now I'm a Gang of Nobody,
Revenge is not as sweet without you.
I'm just saying,
Life's going great now,
I just with that you could see me now,
I wish we could erase the distance.
Victory is not the same,
When there's nobody to cheer you on.
I wish we could go back to the days,
When I was there for you,
And you were there for me.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
And admitting that since those days nothing has really been right.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
What's the point of freedom if I can't share it with you,
You can't share joy with people who are so cold to you,
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the seventh grade one more time.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
And admitting that I haven't found your current-day counterparts.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
I'm stuck in the past,
Not enjoying the present without you,
I haven't moved on,
Like I know I should do,
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the seventh grade one more time.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
I forgot to add that this poem was inspired by the amazing new song off Taylor Swift's new album Speak Now - 'Back To December'.
New Zealand Mine Disaster.
My heart goes out to our Kiwi brothers affected by the recent New Zealand Mine Disaster. May those who died rest in peace and may their friends and family find the courage to find peace and move on. I applaud those who attempted the rescue and I pray that others are not harmed during the recovery procedures.
L. Renegade.
L. Renegade.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
faith or reason?
The reason why I am opposed to religion is that I believe that it does more harm than good.
The pure base of religion is lovely. If you believe in God and do good in your life you go to heaven. If you don't, you go to hell. Something like that. It should be a nice way to keep crime rates down.
But people who are so deeply and profoundly religious risk losing all sense of reason. Such as slaughtering unbelievers, to the more mundane - not allowing Sunday trading, banning their children from Harry Potter, and then back to the important - stances against blacks, women, homosexuals, unbelievers, etc. The problem with religion is that once it controls your life sufficiently enough to deprive you of all common sense, you start to try and control other people in ways that one human being should not control another.
I read Harry Potter. I support women's rights and gays and Sunday trading. It's called COMMON SENSE. I read Harry Potter because I like it. I support women's rights and gays because I have made a conscious decision that it is a right and important thing to do. I support Sunday trading because yes, I do need to eat on Sundays, too. God is not the be all and end all of everything.
As atheist as I am, I try not to impose my beliefs onto others, unless their beliefs obstruct mine in a way I believe to be unreasonable. I'm a big believer in doing whatever you want, as long as it doesn't affect other people. Which means I don't support people trying to make a universal ban on Harry Potter - in fact, I don't even advocate parents banning their children from reading it, because children are human beings too, you know, and have the right to have a say in what they do.
I don't approve of people, religious or not, making outlandish claims and having the audacity to bother federal courts who have better things to worry about than whether or not Harry Potter supports Satan. It is because of these people all religious people look ridiculous. It doesn't matter what family, religion, ethnicity, community you belong to, once you belong to it, you represent it in all that you do. Which is why I can't stand Asians acting weird because it gives all of us a bad name.
We have a civic duty to protect the rights and liberties of all people on earth. The impinge on another man's rights is the greatest crime of all.
The pure base of religion is lovely. If you believe in God and do good in your life you go to heaven. If you don't, you go to hell. Something like that. It should be a nice way to keep crime rates down.
But people who are so deeply and profoundly religious risk losing all sense of reason. Such as slaughtering unbelievers, to the more mundane - not allowing Sunday trading, banning their children from Harry Potter, and then back to the important - stances against blacks, women, homosexuals, unbelievers, etc. The problem with religion is that once it controls your life sufficiently enough to deprive you of all common sense, you start to try and control other people in ways that one human being should not control another.
I read Harry Potter. I support women's rights and gays and Sunday trading. It's called COMMON SENSE. I read Harry Potter because I like it. I support women's rights and gays because I have made a conscious decision that it is a right and important thing to do. I support Sunday trading because yes, I do need to eat on Sundays, too. God is not the be all and end all of everything.
As atheist as I am, I try not to impose my beliefs onto others, unless their beliefs obstruct mine in a way I believe to be unreasonable. I'm a big believer in doing whatever you want, as long as it doesn't affect other people. Which means I don't support people trying to make a universal ban on Harry Potter - in fact, I don't even advocate parents banning their children from reading it, because children are human beings too, you know, and have the right to have a say in what they do.
I don't approve of people, religious or not, making outlandish claims and having the audacity to bother federal courts who have better things to worry about than whether or not Harry Potter supports Satan. It is because of these people all religious people look ridiculous. It doesn't matter what family, religion, ethnicity, community you belong to, once you belong to it, you represent it in all that you do. Which is why I can't stand Asians acting weird because it gives all of us a bad name.
We have a civic duty to protect the rights and liberties of all people on earth. The impinge on another man's rights is the greatest crime of all.
Monday, November 22, 2010
it's very rude to say kiss my ass, so i'll say...embrace my derriere.
Bubblegum.
Red lipstick.
Bikinis.
Halina dresses.
Heels.
Pink gloss.
Mascara.
Kiss ass this summer.
Red lipstick.
Bikinis.
Halina dresses.
Heels.
Pink gloss.
Mascara.
Kiss ass this summer.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
the kid is smart. why is it failing?
There is a common misconception that smart kids shouldn't fail in easy work because it is, well, easy for them, and they'll finish in no time at all. And so, it is only right for harder work to be given after they have complete easy/standard tasks.
Not so.
Some of the worst marks I have received when I was little were subjects I was actually quite good at - and for a variety of reasons - so that the gap between my spelling and maths tests wasn't big (I always had this idea in my head that if I was doing badly at the subjects my parents knew I was good at they wouldn't be too fussed about my bad math marks), so that my marks were comparable to the rest of the kids, because it was an act of rebellion, and of curiousity - what does it feel like to fail a spelling test?
But most of the reason is pure boredom.
It may seem reasonable to expect a kid who is very good at English to finish the easy stuff that you know it can do with it's eyes shut in about three seconds, and then you can dig out some harder work.
But what sense does that make? I cottonned on pretty quick that the teachers knew that I was beyond some of the stuff in class, and so I reasoned that the only reason that they could possibly be giving this crap to me is because they hate me and want to make me suffer. The world hates me. Wah. If you know a kid can do it, why make them do it again? I always used to hate it when the grade three teacher would give us grade two work and say 'just checking that you know it still.' It never made any sense to me.
From your point of view, the kid should spend fifteen minutes at most on this 'easy stuff' that they 'simply must do'. Fifteen miserable minutes. Is that too much to ask?
The answer? Yes.
Think of it from a child's point of view. When I was younger, days seemed to last for a milennia - and because when you're younger, a single day is a much larger percentage of your entire life than it is when you're older. A bored seven year old wasting fifteen minutes of his life doing shit he hates is like an adult wasting three hours before getting to the 'good stuff'.
And then, as you get older and fifteen minutes may not seem like a century, you start feeling like you're running out of time. Why should I waste my time on this? I should be out conquering the world! Teenagers and older children start to see school as a barrier between them and a life - and that is true for even the most academic who really must rely on education to have any sort of quality of life - a year or so ago I told my mother, much to her utter shock, that I was dropping out of school the second I turned 16 - the legal age to drop out in Australia. Giving boring work during school further fuels this belief that school is a sadistic invention of adults designed to torture the younger generation.
A kid, or anyone, for that matter, is not programmed to accept work that is too hard or too easy for them - by 'too hard' I mean beyond challenging and into the frightening realms of 'impossible', and by 'too easy' I mean something that is not quick and simple but long and fidgety and boring. Boredom has been a large element in my schooling, and I resent that - primary school was basically made up of English that was too easy, maths that was too hard and sport that was simply useless. When a kid faces twelve years locked up in an institution they sometimes have a very bleak view of life and of adults. Teachers are the saddest people with the most pathetic social lives or IQ - and these are the adults that we most frequently associate with.
Right now I'm slightly pissed off, even though I know I shouldn't be - I managed to wriggle my way out of math and science FOREVER. But the source of my annoyance is that I am still forced to endure it for three weeks. Three weeks is too long a time for me, a teenager, to endure tolerably, but it is not long enough to learn anything particularly useful. So, I wonder, why bother? Why not let me live my utopia now? Why must I wait through something hard and boring for something I want? That is the topic, dear reader, of this rant.
So next time you say 'Finish this off and I'll give you some harder/easier/funner work.' Have mercy. The only thing worse than hard work is boring work, because boring work is an utter waste of time. If I dropped dead right now all I could boast of is half a life wasted on math sums.
Not so.
Some of the worst marks I have received when I was little were subjects I was actually quite good at - and for a variety of reasons - so that the gap between my spelling and maths tests wasn't big (I always had this idea in my head that if I was doing badly at the subjects my parents knew I was good at they wouldn't be too fussed about my bad math marks), so that my marks were comparable to the rest of the kids, because it was an act of rebellion, and of curiousity - what does it feel like to fail a spelling test?
But most of the reason is pure boredom.
It may seem reasonable to expect a kid who is very good at English to finish the easy stuff that you know it can do with it's eyes shut in about three seconds, and then you can dig out some harder work.
But what sense does that make? I cottonned on pretty quick that the teachers knew that I was beyond some of the stuff in class, and so I reasoned that the only reason that they could possibly be giving this crap to me is because they hate me and want to make me suffer. The world hates me. Wah. If you know a kid can do it, why make them do it again? I always used to hate it when the grade three teacher would give us grade two work and say 'just checking that you know it still.' It never made any sense to me.
From your point of view, the kid should spend fifteen minutes at most on this 'easy stuff' that they 'simply must do'. Fifteen miserable minutes. Is that too much to ask?
The answer? Yes.
Think of it from a child's point of view. When I was younger, days seemed to last for a milennia - and because when you're younger, a single day is a much larger percentage of your entire life than it is when you're older. A bored seven year old wasting fifteen minutes of his life doing shit he hates is like an adult wasting three hours before getting to the 'good stuff'.
And then, as you get older and fifteen minutes may not seem like a century, you start feeling like you're running out of time. Why should I waste my time on this? I should be out conquering the world! Teenagers and older children start to see school as a barrier between them and a life - and that is true for even the most academic who really must rely on education to have any sort of quality of life - a year or so ago I told my mother, much to her utter shock, that I was dropping out of school the second I turned 16 - the legal age to drop out in Australia. Giving boring work during school further fuels this belief that school is a sadistic invention of adults designed to torture the younger generation.
A kid, or anyone, for that matter, is not programmed to accept work that is too hard or too easy for them - by 'too hard' I mean beyond challenging and into the frightening realms of 'impossible', and by 'too easy' I mean something that is not quick and simple but long and fidgety and boring. Boredom has been a large element in my schooling, and I resent that - primary school was basically made up of English that was too easy, maths that was too hard and sport that was simply useless. When a kid faces twelve years locked up in an institution they sometimes have a very bleak view of life and of adults. Teachers are the saddest people with the most pathetic social lives or IQ - and these are the adults that we most frequently associate with.
Right now I'm slightly pissed off, even though I know I shouldn't be - I managed to wriggle my way out of math and science FOREVER. But the source of my annoyance is that I am still forced to endure it for three weeks. Three weeks is too long a time for me, a teenager, to endure tolerably, but it is not long enough to learn anything particularly useful. So, I wonder, why bother? Why not let me live my utopia now? Why must I wait through something hard and boring for something I want? That is the topic, dear reader, of this rant.
So next time you say 'Finish this off and I'll give you some harder/easier/funner work.' Have mercy. The only thing worse than hard work is boring work, because boring work is an utter waste of time. If I dropped dead right now all I could boast of is half a life wasted on math sums.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)