Socially...socially things are tough. Over the summer I forged a friendship with a long time acquaintance of mine, and, given our history and mine, people are inclined to make assumptions and jump to conclusions which, naturally, results in a lot of unfair judgements passed on me. I do things my own way, and we do things our own way - and people make of that what they will. We're not the most likely of friends and we don't have the most orthodox of relationships, but I never pretended to want or have anything normal about myself and about my relationships with other people.
There are so many things that people don't know and I won't say, but nonetheless people jump to conclusions and pass judgement far too quickly. I don't care what I look like, or what my relationships look like - I know I am not the kind of person who is likable from the start and I know my choices are unorthodox at best and controversial at worst. I know I am the kind of person who requires an investment of time and energy and open-mindedness, before you can decide whether you love me or hate me. I am not apologetic of this in the slightest; I believe it is a sign that I am not one-dimensional, that I do have substance and character and I'm not a carbon-copy of someone else or a machine like automatom of society. Not many people are willing to invest in someone as insignificant as me, and that is perfectly fine. But without that investment in anyone or anything, you have no right to pass judgement. You have no right to pass judgement and to present criticism for someone or something you do not know.
First and foremost there is privacy - whatever I choose to divulge or to keep to myself is entirely my choice, and I should not be judged by what I do and do not broadcast. At any rate, it doesn't really matter if I publish the gory details of my private life as a headline on the Sunday news or take everything to my grave - the critics will still be there, regardless. I could only really be open if I could have the iron clad promise that I will be accepted as I am and not be a victim of judgement - but, of course, I will not get that kind of assurance. The secrecy is not out of guilt or shame, but the sad knowledge that the truth would be just as badly received as what is taken at face value. I wish we were in a time and place where we could be open about the details of all our relationships, but that's not the case. We live in a time riddled with societal conventions and taboos and when you're as unorthodox as I am sometimes the things you do aren't always positively received. And as for my defensiveness, which many have found highly amusing...is it not natural to be defensive over something that means something to you? It is not natural to defend something that you do not want to lose? Is it not natural to defend something people are apt to criticize or judge? I am not the kind of person who makes friends easily, and I am certainly not the kind of person who easily stumbles across friendships that are easy to keep or people who understand and accept me fully. So when I find that, yes, I am defensive.
The hostility is almost too much to bear, and is totally unwarranted. It is not a crime to be friends with someone you like, with whom you have much to talk about, someone you feel comfortable with, someone you have known for a long time. It's not a crime if he's in a different social group, if he's the opposite gender, if he was openly your friend longer than he has been openly mine. And I have no right to be treated like this.
First and foremost there is privacy - whatever I choose to divulge or to keep to myself is entirely my choice, and I should not be judged by what I do and do not broadcast. At any rate, it doesn't really matter if I publish the gory details of my private life as a headline on the Sunday news or take everything to my grave - the critics will still be there, regardless. I could only really be open if I could have the iron clad promise that I will be accepted as I am and not be a victim of judgement - but, of course, I will not get that kind of assurance. The secrecy is not out of guilt or shame, but the sad knowledge that the truth would be just as badly received as what is taken at face value. I wish we were in a time and place where we could be open about the details of all our relationships, but that's not the case. We live in a time riddled with societal conventions and taboos and when you're as unorthodox as I am sometimes the things you do aren't always positively received. And as for my defensiveness, which many have found highly amusing...is it not natural to be defensive over something that means something to you? It is not natural to defend something that you do not want to lose? Is it not natural to defend something people are apt to criticize or judge? I am not the kind of person who makes friends easily, and I am certainly not the kind of person who easily stumbles across friendships that are easy to keep or people who understand and accept me fully. So when I find that, yes, I am defensive.
The hostility is almost too much to bear, and is totally unwarranted. It is not a crime to be friends with someone you like, with whom you have much to talk about, someone you feel comfortable with, someone you have known for a long time. It's not a crime if he's in a different social group, if he's the opposite gender, if he was openly your friend longer than he has been openly mine. And I have no right to be treated like this.
And it really is about social status. I have sat on people's laps and been wildly flirtatious with other boys and that barely raised an eyebrow. I give one boy a hug or have a conversation with him that isn't about school and suddenly I'm a desperate slut. It's not about what I do, it's who I do it with and how that makes you feel. And I know you think that I am not worthy of having a part of this. How and why you have come to this conclusion...is beyond me. But as I said, I never throw the first punch - but if you hit me, I'll hit you back.
I am not going to stop being friends with someone just because people think that it's incongruous or sudden or doubt my motives. I am not going to stop talking to people or hugging people or spending time with people, no matter how many rumours you spread or dirty looks you throw. I'm not going to say that I don't care what you say or what you think, because in all honesty I do care - and it hurts me badly that I cannot go about my own business and my own life without people telling me what to do and what I'm doing is wrong. I will decide that, for myself. I'm sure I will make my own mistakes - but I'd rather that they were my mistakes, and not mistakes you make for me. I am not going to stop doing what I'm doing and loving who I love because you think that I don't deserve it.
I care about myself. I care that I have found people who love me for who I am, who will look out for me. I care that I need people to support me through hard times. I care about what people say and what people think because it hurts me so badly - and beyond hurt, it is affecting my physical and emotional health in ways that you cannot even comprehend when you open your mouth and abuse me for who I am. I care about my friend, and I have no qualms about saying that I love him dearly. It's not the kind of love you are capable of understanding or feeling. I care that people are misrepresenting us for their own entertainment. I care that people don't think I'm good enough for some people. I care. And that's what makes me different from you. I care.
Caring is not a crime. Love should not be a vulnerability. Sincerity is something that should not be disputed by popular opinion and no evidence. I do not believe for a second that I will be a stronger person if I teach myself not to care - my strength comes from the fact that I do care about myself and I can love other people. I don't want to become as cathartic and apathetic as people seem to be these days - because they have not acquired strength, only the audacity to be cruel and interfering. That is not strength. Bullying is not strength, but, rather, the greatest sign of weakness. Compassion is a far greater strength than indifference. I have never found much solace in pretending to ignore people - because I cannot. When you ignore things, you don't care anymore. And it's what people do when they don't care that can hurt others.
I don't say this lightly - I know what it is like, to have no empathy. Empathy is not something innate for me - it is something I have to work on, every day, and something I can switch off at will. The cruellest things I have ever done have been done when I have either voluntarily or been somehow pressured into turning it off - and I am not proud of some of the things I have done when I am cold and calculating and almost entirely devoid of humanity. I know what it is like to be in the mindsets of the people who bully me - I know what it is like to not care, I know what goes through my head when I tell myself not to care. And yet despite the struggle for me to be empathetic, it is where I find my greatest strength. Caring makes me a better person, even though I was not born a particularly caring person and even though I have to constantly work on being a caring person and even though I can, at any moment, stop being a caring person. I do it because it is how I source my strength. It is harder for me than for most people. But I am convinced that a struggle for empathy is better than the struggle to conform to the mores of what is fast becoming an impersonal and indifferent society.
Caring is not a crime. Love should not be a vulnerability. Sincerity is something that should not be disputed by popular opinion and no evidence. I do not believe for a second that I will be a stronger person if I teach myself not to care - my strength comes from the fact that I do care about myself and I can love other people. I don't want to become as cathartic and apathetic as people seem to be these days - because they have not acquired strength, only the audacity to be cruel and interfering. That is not strength. Bullying is not strength, but, rather, the greatest sign of weakness. Compassion is a far greater strength than indifference. I have never found much solace in pretending to ignore people - because I cannot. When you ignore things, you don't care anymore. And it's what people do when they don't care that can hurt others.
I don't say this lightly - I know what it is like, to have no empathy. Empathy is not something innate for me - it is something I have to work on, every day, and something I can switch off at will. The cruellest things I have ever done have been done when I have either voluntarily or been somehow pressured into turning it off - and I am not proud of some of the things I have done when I am cold and calculating and almost entirely devoid of humanity. I know what it is like to be in the mindsets of the people who bully me - I know what it is like to not care, I know what goes through my head when I tell myself not to care. And yet despite the struggle for me to be empathetic, it is where I find my greatest strength. Caring makes me a better person, even though I was not born a particularly caring person and even though I have to constantly work on being a caring person and even though I can, at any moment, stop being a caring person. I do it because it is how I source my strength. It is harder for me than for most people. But I am convinced that a struggle for empathy is better than the struggle to conform to the mores of what is fast becoming an impersonal and indifferent society.
It is a very difficult task to explain to an ignorant audience of the intricacies of love and friendship, of the complexity of human relationships. But it is an impossible task to explain this to an audience who only see what they want to see, and make of things what they will. I only hope that you will find it in you to keep it to yourself. I am tired, tired of the hostility, tired of being judged. I only hope you will realize how degrading it is for me to explain something, to justify something, that I am convinced is not a mistake. Because the strength I find through this is the fact that this person and our friendship has made me happy - and that is the only thing that matters. The only reason why I can grit my teeth at the things that kill me inside is knowing that I'd put up with ten times worse before letting a friend slip through my fingers. And I find comfort in the fact that even though I let all of this get to me, it can't take away from the fact that I have a heart full of precious memories.
I know people will say that I'm overreacting, and perhaps I am. To your eyes, and to your standards. But you are not me, you don't see things the way I see things, things do not affect you the way they affect me. This is not an excuse - perhaps I should be stronger. Perhaps it is true that this is something I will have to learn to ignore, to completely discount as something that is impacting on my life. But it is also true that, whether I have the ability to ignore it or not, that I do not deserve this, and that it is not my job to ignore it but your job to desist. I am sick of people telling me what I must do and how I must cope - because I am not the problem. My behaviour and anything it might provoke is not my fault. The solution is not for me to break friendships and to conform. This is not part and parcel with my relationships with people - relationships are fraught with problems, believe me, I know, but the internal ones are inevitable and the external ones are often inexplicable, and yet despite all my quarrels with all the people I love or have ever loved it is more often than not the bigotry of external influence that has driven me from the people I love and the relationships I value. The problem lies in the fact that people still think it is their right to judge things by face value, to simplify the most complex and diverse things into the most idiosyncratically mundane, to interfere what is evidently none of their business, to take offence at things that should not concern them, and to abuse me for things that they cannot begin to understand.
