speak now #33: my problem with k-obsession

Now Playing: Acapella by Karmin (now you're talking crazy, saying that you 'made me', like I was your Cinderella)

My problem with k-obsession:

- Most k-fans have no Korean heritage, little contact with people of Korean descent, no concept of Korean society or culture and don't know the Korean language beyond the lyrics of their favourite songs. The Korean entertainment industry, like all entertainment industries, presents a very skewed, airbrushed depiction of Korean society and I don't think this is actively recognised by non-Korean fans.

- As a half-Korean feminist, sex positive peer sex educator and social justice activist I don't think it's healthy for people to idolise a society that is rampant with sexism, sex negativity, class conflict, domestic violence and alcohol abuse. Korean society is incredibly misogynistic, patriarchal, ageist and classist and is not a safe or healthy environment for women, young people and/or queer individuals. The discussion of sexuality is extremely limited and problematic, especially female sexuality. Obviously as a Korean I am very proud of Korean talent and the entertainment industry and I have seen many examples of using popular culture as a medium for social criticism, but a lot of that criticism and subconscious reflection of problematic attitudes and behaviours is lost on a foreign audience.

- Having recently come out of an emotionally abusive relationship, the way in which many romantic relationships are depicted in Korean popular culture is extremely concerning - they are almost exclusively heterosexual, the 'good' ones are almost entirely sexless, they reinforce rigid gender roles and patriarchal thought and are almost always emotionally, physically or sexually abusive

- The depiction of men - both heroic and villainous - is extremely concerning, especially given that the target audience of Korean popular culture is young heterosexual women. Men are portrayed as being hypermasculine (sometimes disguised or juxtaposed with metrosexuality) and that wounding his fragile ego is a crime that deserves punishment - normally as a row between a couple, abuse or public humiliation. It is the duty of women in Korean popular culture to protect the fragile egos of men by being physically small and weak, as well as docile and accommodating. Male violence towards women is normalized in Korean popular culture, and is sometimes even part of the humour, and the overuse of the 'oppa-dongsaeng' relationship - without the fine nuances of this relationship being explained for a foreign audience - further establishes the archetypal female in Korean popular culture as childish, weak and in need of protection. This kind of gendered interaction is extremely dangerous to be mindlessly broadcast to vulnerable young women, nor is it healthy to encourage them to idolize violent, maladjusted men with extremely fragile egos.

- Obviously the vast majority of K-stars are tall, slender, attractive, with Western or Westernized features. I have firsthand experience of this limited depiction of Korean appearance as influencing social thought in Western societies on how East Asians are 'supposed' to look. Korean popular culture also reflects the obsession with physical appearance and materialism prevalent in real-life Korean society, but this is absorbed rather than analysed by both domestic and foreign audiences.

Of course, these problems are not isolated to Korean society or Korean popular culture, nor do I think that these problems necessarily inhibit the production of quality entertainment or enjoyable consumption. My worry is that K-mania has reached the heights of stupidity and that these social problems are being absorbed or ignored by both domestic and foreign audieneces - it is much easier, as someone living in a Western society, to be critical of Western popular culture; I have seen countless analyses of whether or not the Game of Thrones franchise is feminist/sexist, but almost no discussion of the treatment of gender and sexuality in Korean popular culture. An unfortunate side effect of political correctness is that many people feel unable to criticise non-Western media, and non-Western cultures are often idolized in lieu of open criticism. Korean society and popular culture will continue to grow and develop and evolve and I am confident that the more pernicious aspects of it will fade away in time - but it is important to remember to analyse media and the messages depicted in media as well as enjoying an consuming popular culture.

speak now #32: Children in Adult Bodies - The Taboos of Female Adolescence

This was my research essay for Gender Studies, in which I analyse the treatment of female adolescence in society and the media, with a focus on East Asian female adolescents in Anglo-Australian society.

Female adolescent bodies have been viewed throughout history as bodies of sensuality and fertility. Although the tradition of exploiting young women for entertainment and pleasure endures, in our society female adolescent sexuality and reproduction is rigidly regulated. The discourse surrounding adolescence and youth sexuality in our society constructs female adolescents as children with adult bodies; individuals with the desires and biological function of adults, but the treatment and lack of rights of children. This is especially evident in the discourse surrounding East Asian female adolescents living in Western society, in which cultural attitudes and racial stereotypes compounds the effect of the taboos and stigmas of female youth sexuality on how these individuals are perceived as sexual beings.

Although inherently connected, discourse serves to separate sexuality from female adolescence. Legally, the majority of adolescents are unable to freely engage in sexual expression. In Australia it is an offence to 'have sexual intercourse with a child under the age of 16 or to induce a child under the age of 16 to have sexual intercourse'; it is also an offence to 'have sexual intercourse with a child of over 16 but under 18 if he is in a position of authority to/over them' . The wording of these laws is implicitly gendered - the use of the male pronoun to describe the perpetrator of statutory rape assumes sexual aggression on the male part; and in our heteronormative society, a male perpetrator will have a female 'victim'. These laws, whilst preventing child sex abuse and reducing the number of non-consensual sexual encounters amongst young people, assumes that adolescents - especially female adolescents - are not sexual beings in their own right, but are rather 'induced' to have sex, especially by men 'in a position of authority to/over them'. Child pornography laws also prohibit the production and distribution of sexual images of children under the age of 18. Whilst these laws were created with the purpose of combating the spread of child pornography and the sexual exploitation of children, it results in adolescents persecuted for creating and spreading sexual images of themselves, and effectively erases an outlet for sexual expression for adolescents. These laws also result in the erasure of adolescent sexuality in Australian society and culture; in 2008 police seized exhibited photographs of nude female adolescents, and the images were denounced by Kevin Rudd as 'revolting' . This attitude could be attributed to society's desire to protect the innocence of children, but given the widespread presence and acceptance of images of nude infants, it can be read that this outrage is not sparked by the fact that a child is being sexually exploited, but a 'child' has a sexual body and therefore a sexuality. At thirteen, a female 'child' is thoroughly in the grips of puberty and most likely menstruating; but these biological facts are brushed under the table by patriarchal ideas of young female innocence. Childhood, in society and under law, is a sexless state that extends well into the sexual realms of adolescence - as Emily Maguire states, 'the urge for teenagers to have sex is not going to disappear'. The threat of criminal persecution has made taboo sexual interactions with people not of the arbitrary age of adulthood, and therefore stigmatises the inherent sexuality and fertility of these individuals. The discourse surrounding adolescence and sexuality reinforces the concept of female adolescents as vulnerably sexless children trapped in sexual bodies, and in need of protection from the 'adult' world of sexuality.

Female bodies are simultaneously the most sexualized and sexually oppressed bodies in our culture and discourse - the taboos of female adolescence is sharply contrasted to the hypersexualization of female adolescent bodies and the extensive presence of the voyeuristic male gaze in the media. This is particularly evident in the porn industry; in spite of child obscenity laws, the focus on female adolescence in porn is blatantly obvious - 70% of porn stars are female, and the most common female roles that appear in porn titles is 'teen' . Emily Maguire notes the emphasis on 'the sweetest youngest girls' and that porn 'infantilises the woman and emphasises her innocence'. Playboy features 'girls with fluffy bunny ears and short cutesy bios' because they are 'soft and unthreatening; the fantasy is to bend them to your will, to sully their sweet, blushing, cheerleader innocence'. A disturbing parallel in the attitudes in the porn industry and in the law can be drawn in Maguire's claim that porn stars are depicted as 'so darn sweet and naive that there is a sense of the man having corrupted her'. The sexual imagery of female adolescents is not restricted to the seedy recesses of hardcore pornography; a famous example of female adolescent bodies being used as sexual objects is Miley Cyrus, who appeared scantily clad in Vanity Fair at the age of fifteen and in a similarly sexualised photoshoot for Elle magazine a year later. Child obscenity laws makes this sort of depiction of actual teenagers an exception rather than a rule; however, this does not stop adult women masquerading as adolescents when they are exploited by the media. Anita Sarkeesian, a feminist scholar and media critic, produced a criticism of GQ magazine when it released a sexually explicit photoshoot of Glee cast members in character as high school students . The use of adults to portray adolescents is common in Hollywood, as it is supposed to circumvent the many laws regarding employment and sexual depiction of children. However, it does not detract from the fact that as these adults represent and are commonly viewed as adolescents, and when they are sexually objectified it constitutes sexual exploitation of adolescents. A level of hypocrisy between the widespread use of sexualised imagery of adolescence and the many legal and social restrictions and stigmas of female adolescent sexuality is evident; female adolescents are restricted from free sexual expression, yet female sexual bodies can be freely exploited, especially if they are sexually mature adults masquerading as 'sexless' adolescents. The juxtaposition between the stigma and taboo of female adolescent sexuality and the treatment of female adolescent bodies in the media reinforces the concept of female adolescents are children with adult bodies; incapable of sexual expression, but capable of being sexually exploited.

The discourse that constructs female adolescents as children with adult bodies is particularly evident in the treatment of young women of East Asian heritage living in Anglo-Australian society. The manner in which Asian women are depicted in Western popular culture is painfully limited and harmful; poet Rachel Rostad speaks of 'a long tradition of turning Asian women into a sad fetish' in which Asian women are either sexualised, like Madame La Parte in the Bond film Thunderball, or reduced to a simplistic love interest, like Cho Chang in the Harry Potter franchise. Bitna Kim's study of 'Asian fetishism' amongst white men revealed that white men perceived Asian women to be more 'submissive and obedient' than white women; another study reveals that Asian women are commonly perceived as being 'submissive, man-pleasing sex kittens'; or, more palatably, of having 'great personalities'. Female adolescent Asian bodies are easily infantilised; the average Vietnamese woman stands at 10cm shorter than an average Anglo-Australian woman and 20cm shorter than an average Anglo-Australian man  , and this combined with smaller secondary sex characteristics can result in Asian adolescent women to appear childlike. A common misconception amongst white men as revealed in Kim's study is that Asian women 'believe westerners are superior to Asians'; this myth of a submissive Asian woman helplessly attached to a white man is rampant throughout popular culture, featuring in the opera Madame Butterfly and the musical Miss Saigon. This kind of infantilism and sexual objectification of the submissive Asian woman is not exclusive to the cultural insensitivity of Hollywood. The kawaii (cute) and ero-kawaii (erotic cute) style of manga/anime is extremely popular in Japan, and has crossed over into pornography with roricon, or Lolita porn; animated pornography which sexualises female childhood and adolescence.. From this, we can gather that there is a contradiction in the way in which Asian women are depicted and perceived by our society; as sexless, but sexually appealing because they are constructed as childlike in eroticised and fetishised bodies. Gail Dines discusses the treatment of Asian women in pornography, stating that Asian women are 'childified - they are presented as naive, innocent, and lacking any adult agency'. Dines also draws a connection between the eroticisation of Asian female submissiveness and colonialism, as the depiction of Asian female adolescent sexuality is not only governed by the discourse of patriarchy and sexism, but also of colonialism and racism.  There is, of course, a taboo against sexualising child or childlike bodies, and also a taboo against mixed-race relationships; Asian female adolescents combine and eroticise these stigmas, and encourages these taboos to become more socialised and acceptable to mainstream popular culture. The treatment of female adolescents as children with adult bodies is particularly evident in the depiction and perception of East Asian women living in Anglo-Australian society, as the discourse surrounding East Asian female adolescence is informed not only by the taboos and stigmas laid down by the law, but also the complex power dynamics of cultural stereotypes, racism and colonialism.

Female adolescent bodies belong to legal children; unable, in the eyes of the law, to consent or actively participate in the 'adult' world of sexuality and reproduction. This is contradicted in the excessive sexualisation of young women in the media; resulting in female adolescent bodies being constructed as inherently sexual, but belonging to sexless people - legitimising, therefore, exploitation and the erasure of female adolescent sexual agency from our society. This exploitation and erasure is particularly evident in the treatment of the East Asian female adolescent, who is constructed through pornography and popular culture as the archetypal child with an adult body.

Bibliography: 

• Dines, Gail. Pornland: how porn has hijacked our sexuality. Boston: Beacon Press, 2010.
• Maguire, Emily. Princesses & Pornstars: sex, power, identity. 1st ed. Melbourne: Text Publishing Company, 2008.
• Kim, Bina. Asian female and Caucasian male couples: Exploring the attraction. Pastoral Psychology, 60, 233-244, 2011

SPEAK NOW INDEX

SPEAK NOW TUMBLR

PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW

NEXT SPEAK NOW 

speak now #31: racism & sexuality

“Fetishes, on their own, aren’t harmful, wrong, or shameful things. Whatever floats your boat is fine—as long as it harms no one. The important element to fetishes that don’t harm people, though, is that they all involve a degree of performance and the ability to move in and out of fetish space. If you have a thing for people wearing ostrich-feather tails, your partner is free to prance around the house in hot pants and a tail as often as she likes; and when she’s not into it, she can put the tail away. 

Racial fetishes, however, are based on objectifying someone because of her race, which isn’t something she can control. An Asian woman can’t choose to take her Asianness off for the day, a Black woman can’t decide to not be Black while she walks down the street. These are lived, inhabited identities that cannot be turned on and off; there is no safeword for race. You live these identities throughout your life, experiencing the good and bad things associated with them, interacting with your community through and around this identity. 

Someone who says he (and it is usually a he) ‘prefers’ women of a specific race isn’t exercising a preference based on orientation or experience. He’s viewing certain kinds of women as dateable material on the basis of racial discrimination; and it’s telling that most men with racial ‘preferences’—which are really racial fetishes—use very racist, stereotypical descriptions when talking about why they ‘prefer’ women of specific races. Asian women are meek, say, or Latinas are fiery, or Black women are exotic and know how to deliver in bed.”

I explain non-heterosexuality to people by saying that my body does not define the bodies of those I am attracted to - having a female body is not a prerequisite to loving someone with a male one. So when I'm tumbling around with a tall pretty white boy and he says - probably well meaningly - 'so you do like white boys!' I can't help but feel a little...used.

What has my Asianness and his whiteness have to do with anything? Because I am Asian, am I expected to only be attracted to other Asians? Does he consider himself somehow special, because he is so different to what I am supposed to be attracted to - so attractive that I have broken out of my race rut? Why isn't he confined to just white women? 

It is a running joke that I have 'racist hormones', in that I have not been particularly forward with Asians as I am with men of other races. Allow me to clarify - my experiences of attraction are my own and it is not my obligation to justify them. But I have had many experiences of attraction towards many Asian people, which is the grounds of my dislike. In my experience Asian men take part in this racial fetishism more than white men; instead of cultural concord on which to build a steady relationship I've only found a series of cliches and stereotypes, and someone hellbent on making me conform to them. I've long mused that I would perhaps end up with someone like me - a second generation immigrant, faced with discrimination not only from Anglo-Australians but people from our motherland, too. But my experience of being turned into a tragic fetish extends above and beyond my encounters with white people, and I'll not excuse Asian men of their implicity in the racial fetishisation of Asian women. 

In our multicultural Australian society there are people of all races and backgrounds, and you will have to learn to see them as people and not as colours. If you judge me by the racial stereotypes held by our society you're in for a bit of a nasty shock - and you're in for a nasty shock whether someone is 'fresh off the boat' or a fifth generation Australian who just happens to be - shock horror - brown. Stereotypes are derogatory and one dimentional and idealistic and people are complicated and multi-faceted and imperfect. In our society of 90% white people, we've learned to not have too much faith in racial stereotypes of white people - white people are seen as people, people almost without race. Do the same for other people. Meet, love, fuck, marry, create people. Ethnicities are not fetishes. 

  

I think a lot of people don't realize the harm of racial fetishisation, which starts with 'I prefer Asians/Blacks/Latinas/etc.'. It is above and beyond liking a specific hair colour or body type. It is even above and beyond preferring a specific personality or character trait. It is imposing racial stereotypes on someone and expecting them to conform to your fantasies, purely based on race. And as the quote above says, other fetishes are not permanent identities that one must embody 24/7 - race is. 

SPEAK NOW INDEX

SPEAK NOW TUMBLR

PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW

NEXT SPEAK NOW 

Dollar Shave Club

Now Playing: Buzzcut Season by Lorde (I remember when your head caught flame, it kissed your scalp and caressed your brain)

So, I don't know about you, but buying razors is annoying. I hate how only one type of cartridge fits with your razor and it's never the ones on sale. I hate how grooming products are priced as if pink dye is a rare and priceless resource and marketed as if your ovaries will explode if you buy anything that isn't lady-branded.

Enter: The Dollar Shave Club.

My colleague introduced me to this thing where you can buy really high quality razors online - for cheap! - and they get shipped to you every month; you just pick the type of razor you want and how often you want them delivered and then never worry about running out of razors again!

Ladies - I know this is a kind of ladsy company with ladsy products but the 4X is called the 'lover's blade' for a reason. - they're the best razors I've ever used to shave my legs.

Blades start at $4 per month (including postage and handling) and click here (affiliate link) and use the coupon code UNIDSC1 to get your first month free!

oxytocin.

Now Playing: White Teeth Teens by Lorde (I know you love it when the hairpins start to drop)

My first real relationship wasn't a relationship at all - there was another girl, it was messy and complicated, abusive and manipulative and addictive and, at the end of the day, physically unfulfilling and emotionally draining. We were reckless and wild and it was very intense, for a pair of sixteen year old fools. I thought it was love.

I thought it was love because I get attached to people, easily. I thought it was love because I'd never had that kind of chemistry with anyone else, before - it was a relationship that went from zero to a hundred miles per hour and then hit a wall and exploded. We disagreed on basically everything but there was a powerful intellectual connection, a bond between two people who loved and admired intelligence and intelligent conversation. I thought it was love because in between the neglect and cruelty and drama there were glimmers of kindness, and when you are young and lonely and vulnerable that's all you really want, really.

He left because I am a difficult sort of person and he had less complicated people with less complicated demands to attend to. And when he left, it felt like the world was falling apart. I missed the intensity of our relationship. Everything we did was intense - our conversation, our fights and, in stolen moments, other things, too. It was a destructive relationship and we were slowly destroying each other but I didn't care, because it was all I had. And for two years I had a pair of arms to run to, to hold me tight, to shield me from the world when the world got too dark and scary. For two years I had a shoulder to cry on, a friend who was always there come hell or high water. 

But now, nothing. I see pictures of him and there's nothing - no rush of affection, no surge of hate. When I see him in person I irrationally panic and it's very scary - almost as scary as the cognitive dissonance of being afraid of the one person who used to make me feel safe. But after that, nothing. It is as if two years of hugging and kissing and fighting and loving never happened. It is as if five years ago I never laid eyes on a beautiful laughing boy and sighed with longing. 

A month or so after that ended it happened all over again. I thought two years was a whirlwind; this was a blisteringly intense two weeks. The first time I met him there was that instant attraction, all over again; and for two weeks chemistry simmered. We were reckless and ran wild, and he was ferociously intelligent; verbal sparring is when I feel most at home, because I have become so comfortable with manipulating words. I felt alive again, after a month of lying in bed, feeling dead. There's nothing in the world like having eyes and hands and lips on you. 

And then I felt it, again; that rush, that thing I used to think of as love. We were lying in bed, all tangled up, talking. It was crazy, getting that rush that had slowly built up over two years after just two weeks. And that's when I realized I'd never really been in love.

I am addicted to physical contact. I have never been on any kind of medication for my depression, so oxytocin is my only antidepressant. I have never been able to form a close bond in relationships that didn't involve a lot of physical contact; and my strongest relationships have always been ones that have had some kind of sexual element to them. When R left, he accused me of never loving him, and perhaps that is true. Perhaps all I have known of love is the rush of oxytocin that comes when a boy you have a crush on hugs you hard, and often, and kisses you on a park bench on a sunny winter's day. Perhaps all I have known of love is that feeling that bubbles up when you're lying in bed with someone who has their arm around you and their lips in your hair. I was attracted to these boys above and beyond the rush; they were both charming, charismatic, loveable; but we were rreconcilably different and I was always aware that a relationship was neither achievable nor desirable. I loved them as friends and valued their company, their conversation, those moments of kindness when they swept in and defended me or swept me away from my demons. But most of it is oxytocin, I think - that rush of irrational content and happiness that sates my unfortunate predisposition towards melancholia. I know that seems harsh and clinical, as if I use sex and people like a drug but in that hopeless, vulnerable dependency I think there is something real and visceral in these oxytocin relationships. I literally depended on you, for my survival. You were literally the glue holding me together, and I would have done anything to keep you with me, because I literally cannot live without you. But evidently my best effort to keep you good and safe just isn't good enough. And evidently you did not love me enough to keep me alive. 

I am doing well enough, for now, without my oxytocin. I know now that I am not ready for love. But I know that I need to feel that warm glow of contentment, soon. The first time I found it it was in something ugly and addictive and all-consuming - the second time looks worse on paper but was all in all a much healthier, if much less long-lived, affair. I know something as sinister as an oxytocin addiction can be sated in someone good and wholesome and sincere, and that you can make them happy. But I am not stupid enough to think it is love, not anymore. Love is something more than that.  

Speak Now #30: navigating hook up culture

Now Playing: Lies (Acoustic) by Marina and the Diamonds (you're never going to love me, so what's the use? What's the point in playing a game you're going to lose?)

This semester I've been heavily involved in university guild politics which is a crazy perverted backstabbing madhouse, to tell the truth. It's a place where hormones a surging, tensions simmer constantly and alcohol flows freely.

So, sex.

Here is some advice and thoughts on people new to hook up culture like I was:

1. Shit's going to happen.

You will drink too much. You will find yourself in situations that repulse you. You will hang out with the wrong people and do the wrong thing and trust the wrong information to the wrong ears. People will do things and say things to hurt and humiliate you. But you will pick yourself back up, brush yourself off, put your clothes back on and begin again, with your head held high.  

2. Forever isn't a thing, for now. 

The people who truly love you, body and soul, irrevocably and unconditionally, are very, very rare. What you will come across more often is a mixture of affection and attraction and friendship in weird combinations; the love you will experience, most of the time, is a very imperfect love between very imperfect people. You will lust after people who are just bad news. You will love people as friends but do things that are decidedly not platonic. Not all wanting is permanent. Not every guy who tumbles you into bed will eventually pop the question. That's okay. Embrace it. We come to love and other animals with this expectation of forever - anything worthwhile will endure eternity, and everything else are just false starts and fuckups. But what you get with people like that are standards and expectations of perfection; and that's when the emotional abuse and the blackmail and feeling obligated and self-conscious and insecure and all the lovely stuff pops up. Some of the most beautiful experiences you will have are in relationships that are completely overwhelming and whimsically ethereal, the relationships with use by dates; but that is because neither person expects the other to be perfect, or for something to be perfect. Perfection is really overrated - just go out there, get some new experiences, learn, grow, and enjoy good company.

3. Stand your ground. 

Think about what you do and don't want to do - emotionally, physically, whatever - and constantly re-think and re-evaluate those lists. It's okay to mix them around; to be open to something you were initially opposed to, or to suddenly be repulsed by something you were dying to try out. You figure out what types of sex you want in certain situations; what you'll do in a one-off hookup, what you'll do in a casual relationship, what you'll do in a more serious committed relationship, etc. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. Once you have decided your lists, or change them in any way, think about what you'd need to make sure you can do what you like safely and responsibly - think protection, contraception, having somewhere you can crash for the night after a party, someone sober to drive you home or access to money for a taxi, numbers to call to let people know where you're going if you're going home with someone.

4. Be prepared for fuck ups. 

I think it's important to have a good idea what you will and won't do sexually before you dive into the big bad world of sex, drugs and alcohol, but be prepared for fuck ups. When you drink your inhibitions fly out the window, as do the inhibitions of people around you. Know your options if you forget to use protection, or your contraception fucks up, or you are raped or assaulted. Prevention is key, but be educated for last resorts.

5. Find your crowd.

University campus culture and night life is chaotic - nobody's quite sure where they're going, who they'll end up with, what they'll end up doing, where they'll end up. Make sure you only hang out with people you trust, and keep as many people as you can - both at the party and out of the party - in the loop of where you are and what you're doing. This is something of a double edged sword; most people get into campus culture (at least at my university) by joining a club or a faculty society or, like me, getting involved in Guild politics and those people will keep you safe, but they also hurt you.

6. Explore.

For me, the biggest learning experience is learning about the many different ways I can experience attraction. Learning that there are so many people that I love that I had previously denied myself, because I was too worried about the low possibility of us extending into eternity when that is a ridiculous thing to worry about when you're at my stage of life. Learning that there are so many things to do that I love, and so many things that I wanted to do that are an utter disappointment. Learning that no one should be able to convince you that this is it, this is your happy ending, when it is neither happy nor an ending. Learning the hard way out of bitter regret and disappointment at stupid mistakes and bad decisions. Sexuality is the original sin; knowledge. Go learn something.

SPEAK NOW INDEX

SPEAK NOW TUMBLR

PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW 

NEXT SPEAK NOW

Noose.

In truth, I feel quite bereft without you.
I have replaced you, to be sure
I have had my night with clothes strewn on the floor
I slept in someone's arms
And those arms were not yours

In one night I had more than you ever gave in half a decade
I have found a new set of eyes
To smile at me, warm and kind
A new set of eyes that rake across my body
Then hands, then lips
Hard and hot and determined

I have loyalty to heal the wounds of your treachery
But I have no love yet to replace what I have lost
No friend to console me in the early hours
Arms hold me together, as you once did
Arms shield me from you, but are not mine to have
Words never fail me, yet I am still wanting
I took and was taken by delicious desire
But love is a little less constant

And in this, I miss you.
I miss depending on you,
Loving you, trusting you with everything

And you were always there,
Always there for me, come hell or high water
Until you slipped away like a barrel under a noose

Liebster Award!

Now Playing: Youth by Daughter (we are the reckless, we are the wild youth)

Hi lovelies! Look what I got!

Thank you to Spencer Ellis for the nomination!

I have been set some questions by Spencer, so here goes:

1. Where in the world would you like to escape to?

I think the question is not where, but with whom. And as for that question, I don't know. You know when you spend time intimately with someone and you feel like you are beginning to peer into their soul, but then when there is company they are the biggest fucking asshole in the world? People are often like that, I find. I have escaped to places - secret corridors at school, deserted lecture theatres, quiet cafe back rooms, bedrooms in houses I will never visit again - with people who are seemingly born and die in my arms. If I could escape to an eternity of that, I think I should not be so concerned with geographical specifics.

Romantic metaphysical musings failing, I think London has always been my favoured getaway location.

2. What's your favourite song and why?

My favourite song changes! At the moment it's Wings by Birdy, because it is a perfect reflection of what my life is right now, and where my relationships are at right now. The people I associate with now are a dangerous blend of childish earnestness, boyish stupidity, adolescent recklessness and adult suffering which lends to some...interesting situations with interesting people. 

3. What's your favourite book? 

Gaaaaah. Why all the hard questions for?

I don't have a specific favourite. I love Philippa Gregory. I of course adore Harry Potter. I love The Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger . Masters of Rome by Colleen McCullough. My favourite non fiction book is Princesses & Pornstars by Emily Maguire, which is feminist polemic.

4. If you could do anything you wanted for a day without limitations, what would it be?

I would do whatever gave me the greatest legacy, most notoriety, the most pleasure, help the most people and give my life the most meaning.

5. What are you looking forward to most about the future?

As I have gotten older I have realised that my hopes for the future are painfully limited by the present; an eight year old has no idea what life has in store for an eighteen year old. I look forward to the unknown, I think is all that is safe to say.

6. What's your most precious object?

My silver ring.

7. If you could go to sometime in your past and change something what would it be?

I would only want to change how other people treated me, and that I cannot do.

8. What's your favourite TV program?

Australian TV sucks pretty badly, to be honest - but I do like Gruen Nation and Slideshow, and when I was a kid I adored Thank God You're Here. In terms of international telly I love Mock the Week, The Tudors, and I have just watched the entirety of The White Queen when I...should have been studying for exams...

9. If you could buy anything you wanted right now what would it be?

A vibrator.

10. What is your favourite food?

OH MY GOD THAT IS THE HARDEST QUESTION OF ALL TIME YOU PEOPLE CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND HOW MUCH I LOVE FOOD.

I actually don't know where to begin with this. Just. Food.

I must confess that I do not read that many blogs - I love writing one, but I actually much prefer vlogs; it's just the way I learn and absorb information. Please recommend me any blogs in the comments so I can read, give out my Liebster Award and dish some questions!

Speak Now #29: a caveat on virginity.

Now Playing: Wings by Birdy (damn these walls, in the moment we were ten feet tall)

Hello lovelies! I am back!

I apologise for the extremely long hiatus - I have been very ill, and then very busy, and then some. But I am back. Speak Now will be a weekly series, perhaps interspersed with a few quickies :)

A lot has happened, since I last wrote on this series. Sexually a lot of things have changed, and I have new insights and have learned new lessons. Which I am, of course, all too willing to share with you.

I wanted to make a quick caveat on virginity.

I said before that I didn't define or describe myself with the highly problematic term of 'virginity' - and I don't, because by my definition of 'virginity' I am not one, and that does not bother me in the slightest. I am a person, and I should not be judged by the things I do on the bumpy road to becoming a more informed observer of the universe. I have learned that I will do things I regret with people I will never come to love, but that's okay. Nothing on this earth will destroy the fact that I am a child of the universe, and I am of infinite worth and deserve every respect.

I should like people to adopt my definition of virginity. It is the one widely used, more or less, in the sex positive community and is the most inclusive of all sexes and genders and types of relationships and sexual encounters. That being said, I know that it is an unfamiliar concept to people and quite heavy talk when everyone is slightly drunk and out for a good time. And, you know, flirting with university boys is a whole other thing to flirting with high school boys; they're blunt, and brutally honest, and want answers.

People ask me if I'm a virgin, and I say yes. I say yes because even though I don't recognise vaginal intercourse as the only definitive form of virginity-losing 'sex', I do have my list of what I will and will not do in certain situations - and that is, for the time being, on the 'will not' list. Just logistically it is problematic, and not every guy you make out with in university will be the most mature compassionate feminist. I say yes because it sets boundaries, and boundaries are of paramount importance. In a way this muddled confusing definition of sex and virginity provides some clarity in my experiences; there are things I have not done, and will not do with you.

I am perfectly comfortable with that. I don't withold because I try to be Anne Boleyn or Elizabeth Woodville, and use sex as barter. I hold out because I have used the fundamental element of sex positivity - the right to make your own choices about your own body and your own sexuality - to empower myself. I have the right to say yes, and the right to say no. I don't hold out because I'm 'saving myself', either - it's just that some things are more high risk and fraught than others, and that would get in the way of my having a good time or staying safe. And there are so many other ways to feel good and to make other people feel good - and trust me, nothing feels as good as staying safe and in control.

I have been pressured to have sex before; I think most people by my age have. I was not tempted in the least, and for that I have sex positivity to thank. I am not so gullible, anymore, to think that vaginal sex is the only way to have fun or to please someone else; it takes the pressure off, a lot. And being open about my sexuality has been a massive confidence boost - I'm no longer the sad little girl who nobody looks at twice. There will always be another, and men are more or less much the same as one another; it is how they treat you that makes one stand out from the rest. This guy walked out, and I felt good. I had done what I had consented to and refused what I didn't feel comfortable with. That is the main point of sex positivity; you are wholly in charge, and you don't owe anyone anything.

Long story short: I don't consider myself or anyone else a virgin. But to society, I am one. It means nothing to me, but if it avoids some misunderstandings in this world of misunderstandings, then I'll happily adopt a few arbitrary labels for a few hours.

PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW

NEXT SPEAK NOW

SPEAK NOW INDEX

SPEAK NOW TUMBLR 

enigmatic

Now Playing: How to be a Heartbreaker by Marina and the Diamonds (it's better to be fake, can't risk losing in love again)

It has occurred to me of late that I am something of an enigmatic character; and, in a place like university where dearest friends are actually mere acquaintences, and lovers are people you barely know but know too much about, this is something of a burden to myself and my colleagues. I know I must seem utterly unpredictable, but I'm never really pretending or putting on an act; I am really all of these things. I know I am innocent and naive and gullible. I know that I am mature and capable and intelligent. I know that I am small and cute and bubbly. I know I am not beautiful, but I can be sexy if I want to be. I know I use all of this to my advantage when the time is right, but I am all of these things. I really was scared. I really was happy. I really was being bold and defiant. I really was angry. Doubt anything, but do not doubt my sincerity.

There is, of course, a degree of calculation in it. But it's not acting; acting implies deceit. I am simply adaptable, and conscious of adaptability. Is that really such a bad thing?

I think it is a result of my botched education that I am like this; horrifically maladjusted, far too mature and yet far too ignorant. I have been taught by the best teachers in the country at the best school in the state, but something has been very remiss. I learnt to talk but not to touch; I learnt how to make dangerous threats but not quite how to carry through with them. I can hold my own in a clash of wills against dominant men twice my size and double my charisma, but winning against them doesn't quite feel like happiness, yet. I have learnt how to be endearing but not quite how to be respected.

And people make mistakes, based on what they see. They see a child, sometimes, and then realise that that child has just outsmarted them. They see someone who gives as good as she gets, but ends up getting more than she bargained for. They see someone with great bravado and mistake it for courage. It is not my fault people judge me on face value. There is nobody on this earth who lacks complexity; there is nobody on this earth who escapes the wrath of split second judgements.

I have become, for want of a better word, a politician. Politics is in my blood; I've always been quite charming, at least to people who don't know me too well and are not troubled with the burden of loving troubled souls and damaged goods. Even small scale politics such as university guild politics can change a person. The people I associate with are all blisteringly intelligent, ruthlessly calculative and it is a blessing that I am on their team and not on their target. I may be young and inexperienced, but I learn quickly and I learn from the best teachers; and not all that I learn is strictly to do with politics. Love and loyalty is very important in popularity rat races. Nothing is a disadvantage; you only have to learn to use everything to your advantage.

I suppose I am quite enigmatic. Perhaps I am not the steady, level headed, rock of stability people want; but there are other people to fill those roles. I am the little girl who can dodge and divearound people three times her size to sweet talk voters. I am someone who is easy meat to pick on but perfectly capable of stirring up a ruckus to get an appropriate response out of the appropriate people. I am someone who gets stage fright but even in the grips of terror can still flip a witty remark. I am someone who can flirt her way to almost anything, even unchartered territory. I quite like that. More resilient characters snap in the wind and buckle under pressure. It's only the small and the accomodating who can ride out storms.