Why Superhero Movies Suck.

I can't stand the old fashioned superhero movies - you know, the kind where this guy that is *apparently* hot flies around the world in his underpants and his grandma's sheets pinned to his back, and then he gets this girl who looks kind of stoned. The whole movie is shot in state-of-the-fail special effects, and every actor has the charisma of a cardboard box.

The revamps, I admit, are a lot better. At least they try and aim for some sort of realism.

If only that realism was actually realistic.

For one, it is not humanely possible for every superhero to look drop-dead gorgeous. Every once in a while, the big strong muscles have to be ugly. That's just that.

And for however cute the superhero may be, there is no way in hell I would fall for a guy who wears his underpants over a skin-tight body suit that shows exactly how much muscle and balls, or the lack of them, that the guy has. That's disgusting. Has Superman never heard of pants?

Why is it that none of the superheroes are female? None of the major ones, anyway. They make really good movies for all the male superhero - Catwoman was EPIC FAIL.

Can't the bad guy win for once? I know that's not really morale-lifting, but it's a movie, for Chrissakes. Everyone's gonna get bored of Batman winning, yet again, against another cartoon character. The Joker was truly terrifying. I'd love to see them pull off the Penguin the same way, if that's even possible.

Not all the damsel in distresses have to be sultry, sexy, (anorexic) brunettes. They don't even have to be flipping damsels in distress, anyway. Has no-one heard of feminism?

All these heroes - they never eat, sleep, workout, date, or go to the bathroom like normal people, with the sole exception being Christian Bale's Batman, who managed to do all of these except the last one. As super as all these superheroes may be, everyone needs to use the toilet every now and again.

And what is with the cheesy names? Like,
Batman
Superman
Spiderman
Stupidman

The list goes on. Batman would look fine if he didn't have two ears poking out of his helment (at least he doesn't wear visible jocks in the latest installation), and Spiders give me the creeps. I've never liked Spiderman much.

But Superman is the most unoriginal name ever. We've just thought up a new superhero, everybody! And because he's a superhero, and (apparently) a man, we're gonna call him SUPERMAN!

Wow. So flipping original.

Orginality is hard - I know that all too well. It's very easy to subconciously create a story that is just a rewritten Harry Potter, or Twilight.

But it doesn't have to be that boring.