How to Alienate Guys

This is the one and only trustworthy guide to boys.

Okay, I don't pretend to be experts in boys. I've only had one boyfriend - and he didn't even really count, anyway - and I have a couple of guyfriends, but they aren't boyfriends, and I don't want them to be anyway, because that would be just...weird. But I do know how to alienate boys, so if you do exactly opposite to whatever is listed below, you should be okay.

Cut the long story short, if you want a guy, just be completely opposite to me. Boys don't like me. I try, I don't try, I try really hard at not trying, I don't try really hard at trying, but nothing seems to work.

HOW TO ALIENATE GUYS

(BSC IF YOU READ THIS YOU ARE SOOOOO DEAD!!!)

1. TRY REALLY, REALLY, HARD and make a big show of flirting

Bubblegum pink is your friend! Go completely wacko and if you see that classic 'WTF?' look on his face, you're on the right track!

(translation: Try hard but don't look like you're trying too hard. Try-hards and girls that don't try at all freak guys out. They have a very simple mind.)

2. Laugh at EVERYTHING he says - whether it's a joke or not.

(translation: KNOW WHEN TO LAUGH. If it's a funny or halfway-funny joke, laugh. If it's a really lame joke, then...I dunno. But once I tried that and he was like "Why are you laughing? I just told you my dog died". Oops.)

3. Spend ALL your money on make up and pretty clothes - this works, honest.

(translation: I tried that too. Still boyfriend-less.)

4. Ask your friend to ask him out on your behalf - he'll think it's really cute that you're so shy.

(translation: Boys don't think like that. I must admit, to have a helplessly giggly girl say "J-j-j-e-s-s-s w-w-wants t-to g-go out w-with y-you" then double up laughing would just really freak me out.)

5. Say 'we're just friends, right? Nothing romantic', and he'll suddenly wish that you were his girlfriend

(translation: Boys take EVERYTHING to heart. So don't try that.)

6. Go out with any weirdo - hey, it's a boyfriend, that's all that counts!

(translation: tried that too. DID NOT WORK. grubby little nerds will always be...grubby little nerds, whether he's your bf or not)

7. As soon as you see the guy immediately dive into a group of friends - so he doesn't think you're a loner.

(translation: if a guy likes you (and I'm speaking of BSC's experiences, not mine) he finds it really fustrating if you're surrounded by a bunch of giggling girls all the time. So if you're with your friends, just stay with them, but look over your shoulder time to time at him, but if you're not, don't go running them up.)

LUCKY LAST: (this one doesn't need a translation)

8. Be prepared to have your heart broken and broken again and again and again.