I know I'm only twelve and that this is absolutely ridiculous, but this is honestly how I feel.
I just feel like there's something wrong with me. I see all these girls complaining that their boyfriend is being a goon, or that they have so many admireres they feel like a celeb, and I just think, what are they complaining about?
I was the only person stupid enough to go out with...anyway, but the rest of them have really nice boyfriends. I know most of them. They're really nice. Sweet. Funny.
I'm as good as them, just in a different way. I'm not pretty, but I'm smart. I'm not athletic, but I'm academic. But no one sees me like that. I'm the weirdo, the kid they'll only go out with if the entire female population besides me were extinct.
It hurts every time I see an 'I LUV JESSICA' or 'ILY KATE'. It kills me every time I see my friends walking hand in hand with someone else. It's like my heart snaps in two, and I can feel it.
I just don't get it. What is wrong with me? Is it really so unforgivable that I'm not good at this, not good at that, not bad at what is cool to be bad? Is it really so inexcusable that I'm me, and not some blonde bombshell? Am I really that repulsive?
At school, I have a perfect poker face. My outside shell is a rebellious, I-don't-give-a-shit girl who hates boys and everything about them. On the inside, I'm still rebellious, but I just want to scream.
Why?
7 comments:
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Perhaps, deep down, you feel like you need a guy. You feel left out, perhaps even lonely and avoided, and are putting up face to keep your "toughie" look and rebel personality.
Not exactly healthy, imho. Perhaps you can fill the void with something else - some meditation or other hobbies. I just don't think being untrue to yourself is healthy, especially regarding guys, which can be dangerous at your age.
--LP
I just feel...unloved, in a sense. I mean, mum says she loves me, but every mother loves her child. My girlfriends say they love me, but girls are more sensitive, and if they really don't love you, they can lie through their teeth. Boys are different. I just want someone to like me for who I am and what I want to be. I've tried changing myself to make myself more...desirable, but not only did that didn't work, it was really painful.
Here's something between you and me (futile attempt on the 'net, but I won't give out who he is)...
Be careful what you wish for. I don't mean to put down your feelings, but don't wish for too much too soon. Guys can be dangerous, and they can use you to their ends if they know you want one. There is this dude who - I have reasonable evidence - has an awful crush on me.
Frankly, I am grossed. I see him once a week when I take my piano lessons - and I wish not. When I am around, he brags in a really loud voice, and he looks at me weird. He "compliments" me to his friends in a loud voice, thinking I'm impressed. He gives me the eye all the time and "accidentally" runs into me and bumps into - uh - certain parts of my curves.
And, truly, he is a jerk. He shows off at any opportunity he can and swears loudly. Frankly, I wish I didn't have a guy like him around. I understand your void to an extent, but I think you should wait awhile, or at least 'till you're older. You could get in trouble - I don't know what I'd do if he somehow became my bf. I may not be decades older than you (just turned a year older from my last age, won't say it again), but believe me, I know the bad stories. And all of this is true.
And, please, don't say you're unloved. You have a loving mom - which is more than many people in this world have. And I know she loves you for who you are.
And again, sorry if this sounds like complaining to you. (Actually, I haven't told anyone, 'cept my mom, who told me to avoid him, which I can't). -_-
But if you need any more of my "boy woes," let me know - this was kind of a catharsis for me. :)
I agree with Pianista. One of my current gf's ex's was her best friend before they went out. After they started to go out, apparently he...changed. He literally controlled her every movement and yelled at her when she went somewhere without him knowing! His mom supported him fully, and whenever she went over, the mom shooed them off to his room. They didn't do anything becuase she drew a line and said no, but...imagine what could have happened if she had gone there more often. =/
Be very happy that you have a loving mom that you can tell stuff like that too - my gf dosen't. Anyway, I hope that everything works out! :)
And don't be a little unnerved to see a new name here, LR - Ed's a really close friend of mine, and he knows what he's talking about. :)
Don't worry for this subject at this age. when you go to high school HE may be in korea, india(...?) or england and since your going to PMS boys will see you as really really smart.
Yan
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