Now Playing: Here Lies Love by David Byrne ft. Fatboy Slim & Florence Welch (is it a sin to love too much? Is it a sin to care? I do it all for you, how can it be unfair?)
I've often found it strange that men don't seem to be obligated to like anyone; they don't owe anyone their friendship. Things seem so much more simple and uncomplicated - I like you, or I don't.
I for one struggle under this ridiculous expectation that women must be at least mildly pleased with everything; this ridiculous idea that women must fight tooth and nail for the right to be angry, or jealous, or sad, or even just indifferent. People, strangers, tell me to smile for no reason, and it makes no sense. I'll smile if something is worth smiling at. I'll smile if I want to. But I'm not obligated to smile. I don't owe anyone my smiles.
I am not the kind of person who can like everyone. I am not particularly likable and people seem to accept that; but what they cannot accept is that I do not automatically like everyone. This doesn't mean I'm deliberately malicious or provocative; you can not like someone without disliking them, and you can even dislike someone and still be civil. Women are supposed to be so open and it drives me insane. Liking is earned, and sometimes liking someone is simply not an option. I'll put my pride above strangers, thank you very much.
The criticism I get for being guarded is just too much. All my life people have warned me against making friends too quickly, or for falling for boys too easily, or for trusting too much. I have been hurt too much by letting people do what they like until I have to push them away, too late. I will not like anyone without good reason, and that is my right. I'll admit to sometimes acting the mediator between two people, or asking one of my friends to treat someone better; but that's all it was. I only requested someone be civil to someone, not that they suddenly become best friends. I would not dare to interfere in the relationships of even my closest friends, or the people I consider to have the most influence with. It would be nice to receive that kind of respect in return.
I have become guarded. I know people like to weep nostalgic for the open, innocent little girl I used to be, but I had to grow up. I have had to build walls when people ignored boundaries. I have had to sacrifice the chance to get to know people who I know to be perfectly nice people, because I have to put my sanity and my integrity first. When people don't make you a priority, and when people don't look out for you, you have to do these things for yourself. I am not being cruel, or cold, or malicious, and I do not intend to provoke anybody. There are people I openly detest, for sure, and there are people I do not trouble to be polite to anymore; but not even they contest my actions, and nobody can accuse me of being indecently unkind. When I say I don't want anything to do with someone, I mean it; I literally want nothing from them, especially not a fight; and if I have to swallow my pride to avoid a fight, then I'll do it. I am content with the relationships I have, and I am always open for more, but they must be on my terms. I do not owe anyone my love or my friendship in the same way that I do not owe anyone my body, and as much as you might fantasise me being friends with anyone and anything you might consider fondly, I am not obligated to be friends with anyone, and it is not your place to make decisions for me.