"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Sunday, May 29, 2011

They've found my Achilles heel.
They've found the weak link in my
Enemy friend
Friend enemy
You've blurred the lines.
You are the flaw in my shield,
The blunt edge of my sword;
Yet I love you still.
I love you still.

For Y.K with love,
From G.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


It was an emergency,
Why didn't you call an ambulance?
I was bleeding, dying,
Why did you leave my life to chance?

We were in a constant state
Of transcending life and death,
You can pretend all you want but it was
Code four
Out the door
You can't deny that

It was an emergency;
For Christ's sake,
You're useless.
We lived in an emergency,
I needed a paramedic,
You don't have to be psychic to
Feel my pain,
Why don't you ever
Use your brain?
You rubbed salt in my wounds,
Then you sugared the cut;
But now it's too late,
I can't be saved.

You could have made a mercy call,
Or at least a mercy killing.
But you don't show mercy at all,
You took a picture of me crying.

And I heard you gloat to your friends,
And I was horrorstruck
As I watched,
A helpless ghost.
And I'd say I'd
Never do it again, but
You left no room for second chances;
You poured the petrol,
Burned the evidence.

We lived in an emergency,
It was a mistake,
We lived in an emergency and I needed a lifeline,
Not the red wine,
You're nothing but a swine.
You watched and learned,
I crashed and burned;
And now it's too late,
I can't be saved.

We had an emergency
And now there's blood on your hands.
All I know is I met a boy,
But you didn't leave a man.
My heart's a hotel with too many
I've learned the lonely side of
'Let me be',
Corpses aren't any
Good for business.

I died in an emergency,
Didn't need no divine intervention,
You were the cause, the blame,
You could have been the prevention...

Inspired by 'Emergency' by Paramore

Monday, May 23, 2011

Firstly, I must apologise for some recent typos - my wireless keyboard is misbehaving. But I like to think my regular audience has sufficient intelligence to see past a couple of errors.

You know what is a constant source of frustration to me? The absolutely shit-arse state of gay rights here in Australia. We're supposedly a free, democratic country - but what freedom? What democracy? Freedom and democracy only seem to apply to white, rich, conservative Christian men.

Okay, I'm not gay. So why should I be worried about this? I'm worried because I care. I care for the human rights being violated, I care about the civil liberties that are being snatched away because a couple of fucked up politicians who are the sick twisted puppets of bigoted conservative lobby groups can't see past trivial things like sexuality, gender and colour. I care, even if nobody else seems to. We are all people, all of us, man, woman, gay, straight. If you're Christian, as so many conservative assholes claim to be, then surely you'd know that we are all God's children. If you're not Christian, well, then use your common sense.

In a religious sense, marriage can be between man and donkey for all it matters - but I respect that some dominions may not be comfortable with, well, unusual marriages. And that's fine. Religion, as well as marriage, is supposed to be a volunteer thing.

Allowing gay marriage isn't going to make the sky fall down. It isn't an abomination, it's a long-overdue basic right. If we allowed Tony freaking Abbott to get married, then gay marriage should be so in it should be almost cliche - because as far as I'm concerned, Tony Abbott is more of a freak of nature than anyone gay.  

Just because we allow gay marriage doesn't mean we all have to turn into horny homosexuals. Gay marriage has nothing to do with you, or me - it's about helping our brothers and sisters. Discriminating against sexuality makes just as much sense as discriminating against eye colour - it's natural, and unstoppable.

Stand up for what is right. You and me, together...we can prove that a band of thieves can rule the world.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

That's just that.

I've often being asked about my views on religion. To tell you the truth, it's much more complicated then it seems.

I was raised not to believe in God. That was just that. Growing up, I believed in God in the same way I believed in fairytales - God was a fairytale. Real people, I was taught, couldn't just pray to imaginary friends to get by. Real people had to work, and so would I. I get the feeling that God is not something you believe in unless evidence of His work is actively pointed out to you until the point where you see it by yourself. I don't know whether I'm ignorant or they're delusional, but I've never seen it. I grew up in a very pragmatic world, a very skeptical, down to earth world. That was just that.

My parents identify as non-religious Buddhists, and, up to a point, so did I - in the same way all children identify with their parents in all things they don't understand. As I grew older I realized I didn't have the inner peace needed to be a Buddhist, that deep sense of ingrained tranquility. I grew up to be too impatient, too ambitious and too angry to be a Buddhist. It was from then, at about eleven or twelve years old, I began identifying as an atheist.

A major factor in my religious choices stem from my operations, my health problems, etc. I wasn't content, saying that it was part of God's plan - what kind of God did that? I wasn't content, either, justifying it with karma - what kind of bad karma does a baby attract? Blaming someone or something for everything that has ever happened to me made me angry, almost violent with anger - and that was hardly a good thing. I had to swallow it, and move on. There was no point blaming things and people for events that are irreparable, unerasable, inevitable, especially things and people I couldn't see and therefore could not even face the blame. Shit happens because shit happens. And that was that, from then on.

But I would feel quite vulnerable if I didn't believe there wasn't some kind of fate, some kind of safety net between me and the unthinkable. I believe there is a vague kind of fate - I do kind of believe in kismet. But I also believe that it's not a path we're automatically set on - it's something we have to fight for, every day. It's something I fight for. So, as much as I believe that some things are meant to be, I also think you were meant to work for it. I was not born into a world where cherries just fall into my lap.

They say that science is the opposite of religion - but I don't really sympathize with science, either. There are somethings that science and mathematics can't explain - I do believe in miracles, and miracles are miracles because they are simply unexplainable. Love is a miracle, and I'm waiting for it to happen. No amount of equations are going to detract from the fact that boy plus girl doesn't always work. But don't take out the middleman, as it were. I've long given up trying to bring salvation ;). 

I think religion is primarily a nurture over nature thing - my best friend is on the other side of the spectrum. She was raised a Baptist, and is a creationist. I'm often astounded that I've been able to construct a tangible friendship with a creationist, but I've learned to be more tolerant of what other people think. People are never tolerant about what I think, even if trying to convert me to whatever they think is nonsensical - a boy once tried to convert me to agnoticism. My best friend and I often have a lot of religious debates, but I like to think that friendship is above religion, in its many forms. We've agreed to disagree, but I don't feel like either of us has lost, per se. In fact, I think religion has made our friendship stronger - we've remain two distinctly separate people, and we haven't given in to each other. That is important in any relationship, but only dissimilar people like us recognise it. If we were more similar we would give each other more leeway, become too heavily influenced by each other - and lose who we essentially are in something as fragile as friendship. They say opposites attract, and I say that happens for a reason. That's just that.

I still think I'm a spiritual person, despite my atheism. I still pray - I think it's a natural human response, to hope that someone, someone who just exudes security, like Gandalf or Dumbledore, or just your classic Prince Charming, to swing in and save day. But I've learned to live without someone or something watching over me. With vulnerability comes freedom. That's just that.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I Bruise Easily

I guess my soul is an
Inner black eye.
My heart’s got tear tracks from the
Last time I cried.
I never got the whole soft and strong thing,
What’s tough can sometimes fall.
I’ve learned how to free fall but there’s
No cushion under my tightrope.

Anyone close can
Love you or leave you.
Anyone close can
Heal you or hurt you.
I’ve tried to make
Some great leaps of faith
And I can match blow for blow.
But sometimes I wish this
Wasn’t a race
Or a sold-out circus show.

I’ve tried all the
Masks and I’ve
Wiped all my tears
But somehow you can’t
Always forget
Your eighth grade fears.
They’ve left out the ‘gentle’
Just left me with ‘men’.
I don’t like how it started
And I don’t know how this ends.

I wish upon shooting stars
And rainbows
And the sad glowing orb
Of Mother Moon.
Call me crazy,
Because I concur;
I am the proof that it
Doesn’t work.
Do I ever cross your mind?
Do you ever think about the maybes?
I think it’s just me but
Sometimes it’s nice thinking of

Its foreign territory;
When I say ‘I love’,
I’m sorry,
I know I’m at the bottom
Screaming up.
But one day when we’re on
Equal ground,
I’ll take your hand and
You’ll make a bow.
And you’ll try and remember
That I bruise easily.
And maybe you’ll try
Not to hurt me.

Until then I’ll
Read my storybooks,
And try to synthesise
What you can’t sympathise.
Are you human?
Are you a person?
Am I not worth it?
Are you so perfect?
I’ll fight with you or
Against you

Now you know. 

That I bruise easily.

Inspired by 'I Bruise Easily' by Natasha Bedingfield

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

To R , Love G .

Years are long in lives as short as
Yours and mine.
If  I were to advertise
I'd say
I'm one of a kind.
But they charge by the line,
And I waited by the hour;
This isn't how I wanted it to be,
But it's To R,
Love G.

I've compared thee to a summer's day,
But you're winter's frost and
Autumn's gale;
Swept my love away.
I tried, but
I'm not the
Brand of
That you want.
So aint this lovely?
It's To R,
Love G.

All these years you've made me happy;
When you smiled,
I smiled.
But nothing's quite so bad as being
That girl
Picked last
For the t-ball teams.
But now there are tears in my eyes,
Because I'd hoped we'd say "hello"
Before the goodbyes.

But I guess this just wasn't meant to be.
I write away my heart with
To R,
Love G.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

The Snag in Democracy.

There is one snag in democracy: democratic governments are pressured into doing what is easy and what is popular, not what is right.

For example, an Australian government cannot introduce same-sex marriage, lower the voting age or allow more immigrants (or boat people, if you insist) into the country because, sadly, backwards racist sexist buttheads still vote in this country.

I have a big problem with Australian politics - it's all talk and no play. Sure, most of us aren't starving, but we don't do anything. We are nothing. It's so unbelievably frustrating. What is the point of having a first class cabin on a train that does not go anywhere?

Religion gets in the way too much, too. For a hugely irreligious and supposedly secular country, we are amazingly swayed by religion. Why do we leave it to our imaginary friends to decide who gets married or not? Gay marriage - have you ever actually asked God whether he's okay with it or not? In Australia, civil marriages have overtaken religious marriages. If you want to think of marriage as a holy, sacred, religious thing, fine. I'm not going to try and teach evolution to creationists. But marriage is also very much a legal thing. With marriage comes rights, responsibilities, priviledges - and who are we to deny that to anybody?

Since when has age been a measurement for wisdom? Here I sit, at home, politically nonexistant, ranting on a blog - I have no vote, no say, no weight. Minors here have no legal rights or representation - we are nothing, we are nonentities, we are vassals to The Grown Ups - much like wives lost all sense of identity when they married, in the not so long ago. I am nothing until I turn eighteen - what is so special about a number? I am fifteen, not particularly remarkable, but I still have a better grasp of politics than that bogan who votes.

I am so angry. I am frustrated because I am screaming in a soundproof cage. I can do nothing but throw rocks in a glass house. I sit and watch, infuriated, at one useless politician after another, at one pointless election after another.  I feel like that crazy scientist trying to bawl instructions at particularly useless robots.

I am dying for change - the time is ripe for revolution, but just as the time is right we have become apathetic, nonchalant, complacent. Australia is not so grand it cannot take a little change - change is healthy, even in nirvana, which Australia most certainly is not. I'm running out of steam, here - my life starts later, but the adrenaline has kicked in now. What is the point of talking of change when no change ever happens? Screw thos backwards assholes who can't see past sex and colour! Do you really need their votes?

The sad thing is, yes, you do need those votes. You can either be in power and useless or useless because you have no power. This, my friend, is the snag in democracy.