"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I am so tired of cliches.
I am so tired of people thinking I should be good at what I'm not.

I am so tired of expectations.
I am so tired of people thinking that I don't want what I do.

I am so tired of misconceptions.
I am so tired of people thinking I don't understand what I do.

I am so tired...
I am so tired of being judged.






does not equal




Bad dress sense.

Man hater.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I got a problem.

If you haven't figured out I'm a fan of Tudor history then you're an idiot.


There's this Tudor TV series that drives all the historians crazy called The Tudors, known for including 'too-beautiful and too young' actors, copious inexplicable sex and graphic violence, historical inaccuracies and elaborate (but still inaccurate) costumes. I've been watching it on YouTube, and it's quite good. It aired four seasons, starting with the divorce of Katherine of Aragon (I love how they always start there. Wasn't her marriage interesting enough?) and ending with the death of King Henry VIII.

I just got a problem.

The King Henry.

King Henry is portrayed by actor/'I've only had one girlfriend I havent cheated on' douchebag Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Firstly, he doesn't look anything like Henry VIII. He claims that nobody knows what he looked like and we can't trust Holbein who only really painted Henry in later life and even then they're 'works of art' and 'probably don't look very much like Henry VIII.' Let me tell you something. If Hans Holbein was commissioned to paint a portrait of the King of England and it looked nothing like the King of England knowing Henry Holbein wouldn't have many more opportunities to get any more commisions (if you get what I mean). And we have detailed descriptions from the Venetian ambassador who, in Henry's youth praised his fair skin and golden red-blonde hair. This is Jonathan Rhys Meyers' 'I totally look like Henry':

Loving the 'golden red blond hair', Jonathan.

But I can look past an inaccurate dye job. It's the fact that Henry is portrayed as so one-dimentional.

Historically, Henry VIII claimed that he had been 'wronged' by Katherine of Aragon's 'sin' because they had never truly been married becasue she had been his brother's bride before being his, blah blah blah. I know historically Henry VIII was an idiot and self centered and his conscience was easily adaptable, but they portray him as being so gullible he manages to convince himself so easily. He never shows any second thoughts of setting aside a good woman, which historically he did, he never showed any restraint against blantantly accusing Katherine of Aragon (which he did historically - he only spoke bad things about her because Anne Boleyn and Cromwell and the Reformists wanted him to). It annoys me. Henry VIII was an intelligent man. Jonathan Rhys Meyers does not portray him as intelligent spouting out what was apparently the thinking of the time, but historically Henry VIII had to fight a lot of inner demons to do what he did, and he had second thoughts after killing pretty much everyone important he did kill.

It still annoys me. Wah.

Saturday, December 25, 2010


I was talking to a friend the other day (on the ever-eventful msn) and I said to her 'I wish I was more like me.'

I should probably explain this.

The 'me' that I am is a very moody, depressed girl who is bitter and sarcastic to the extreme, has a massive crush on Sheldon Cooper and that boy from the eigth grade that she is totally-of-course-not-completely-absolutely not over. This 'me' binge eats, is lazy, whiny and slightly neurotic.

The 'me' that I wish I was more like is the 'me' people see hopefully more than the previous 'me'. This 'me' is Lady Renegade, ready to conquer the world. Bright, funny, intelligent, talented, smart, pretty with enough eyeliner, feminist, ready to die for something big and brave and bold and hopefully get a wikipedia page, and is totally over eighth-grade douchebag, thank you very much.

Since I've been sick, I've been at home waddling around in pain or under the influence of opiates in my pajamas with my hair in a stupid top knot, with no makeup and a massive acne breakout. I've been deprived of almost everything that has made my life enjoyable and I have to sleep on beanbags to avoid pressure on my surgical site. Needless to say, I've reverted back to being the previous 'me'.

I think I have a split personality disorder. One person cannot be such a bright spark and such an astronomical failure simultaneously. They'd explode.
Dear Suffragettes, Joan of Arc, and Feminists who Actually Did Something With Their Lives.

You are lucky you don't get to hear them.

They're blonde, chatty, slutty, and call me a 'feminazi'.

'I, like, totally don't get feminism,' one of them says as she chews bubblegum and inspects her nails. 'Because, like, we already go to school, we like, can go to work, so like, what's the problem?'

'I know, right?' her friend agrees. 'I don't like feminazis. They're all frigid, and like they look really weird.'

'Yeah, I know, like, who would date a feminazi?'

'And they all, like, hate men, and they're all like 'men are all dumb and stupid and will, like, rape you.''

'They probably want men to, like, stay at home and look after the kids while they, like, rule the world.'

These 'feminazis' - you, me - are the reason why they get to go to school, they can get jobs, they have human rights, don't have to face arranged marriage and a lifetime of servitute to men.

Why did we even bother?

It's sad to think that your daughter's daughters' don't adore you, they just think you're lame. They think I'm lame. I watch as we, a single generation destroy what centuries of struggle has brought us. I think of people who have died for peace, for freedom, for love, for justice, to my charming classmates chewing bubblegum and shamelessly throwing themselves and I wish I was Joan of Arc. At least she died thinking she was making the world a better place. It's pretty much a lost cause now.
A lot of people are like 'Why are you so against religion? Religion is about peace. Religion is a spiritual sense of being.'

Don't give me all that crap. I know you only like religion because of Christmas.

Okay, so I'm opposed to religion? You know why? It's backward.

Religion has to change as society changes, or it must disappear forever. Religion has to me more open, more about the aforementioned peace and spiritual sense of being than your imaginary friend is better than my imaginary friend.

You cannot tell me that religion is openminded and 'so totally not sexist, obviously' (that's a direct quote) when the only female pope ever is probably pure legend and is associated with the Whore of Babylon. Come to think of it, they're all male. The Pope, the Dalai Lama, the Archibishop of Canterbury...Jesus...

Religion is born out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of science, fear of women. We didn't know what was going on and so we made stuff up, and now we do know what was going on but we're *still* making stuff up.

Religion is supposed to be the cure, not the disease. It's meant to save lives, not destroy them. We have used 'God' to justify so many ungodly sins, and yet we still mindlessly pray as though we know nothing and must trust our destinies to a being that does not exist. Religion is a safety net we've created that has spectacularly backfired.

Anyway, Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Failing Writing.

Did I ever tell you that I used to get 'Bs' in English and 'As' in Maths?

Oh, those were the days.

You see, that was a time when 'English' was 'knowing how to write'. Apparently, I couldn't write. Not legibly, anyway.

'Maths' only meant that you had to write the numbers legibly. Apparently they turned a blind eye at the fact that I wrote '3' backwards.

Do you remember handwriting lessons?

I used to hate them. I failed to see the point of teaching all children to write the same way and yelling at them if they wrote a 'g' a different way than on the board. I mean, my mum, sister and dad (the only three people I had regular contact with who could read and write) all had different handwriting, so what was wrong with mine?

A lot, apparently.

For starters, I wrote backwards - like, right-to-left, like Hebrew. Pity I wasn't learning Hebrew. My parents had to read all my pre-primary writing in a mirror.

Secondly, I liked pens. I didn't like pencils, or gel pens (although I like gel pens now, just not the stains I get from them on my sleeves). Pencils smudged too much. They were childish. People could rub my name off my work, put their name, and pass something, for a change.

I was left handed, which also meant that if I was sitting on the 'wrong side' of the desk (we had to share desks in primary school. Oh, they were the days.) I would engage in elbow wars. Now, most sensible teachers would swap the freaky left-hander so that I could only elbow-war the air, but some of my teachers were OCD about sitting boy-girl. So it really wasn't my fault that every boy I had to sit next to had a pink elbow by the end of the week.

Then there were 'pen licenses'.

I never got the point of pen licences. You got driving licences from people who knew what they were doing. You had to be a certain age. You had to fit a certain critera. With pen licenses, you get them and lose them whenever the teacher wants to give/take them. Teachers don't know what they're doing. The only criteria you had to fit was to not get on the teachers nerve, and when you're the overachieving freaky Asian left-hander it's very hard not to get on the teachers nerve.

Also, the person who was giving out pen licences was my fourth-grade teacher, who had the worst handwriting I had, have or will ever see. It all seemed a bit hypocritical to me, really.

In year six I finally managed to maintain my pen licence for more than a fortnight (although it never really bothered me whether I had a 'pen licence' or not, because my fourth-grade teacher lost track of who was given their pen licence and my fifth grade teacher couldn't stop me from 'illegally' using a pen because I didn't have anything else to write with). And then I wanted to rebel. I didn't want to write in cursive, I wanted to print. Upper school students weren't supposed to print. But then, when I was in lower school and we were supposed to print I wanted to write in cursive.

That was something I didn't get either. What is the point of teaching us to print, then teaching us cursive, and then telling us to stop printing?


In year seven my teacher let me write however I wanted, so I got really inventive. Hearts on all my 'i's. My third grade teacher yelled at me for not leaving two fingers between each word so I made up for it in the seventh grade by leaving five.

I never understood why my seventh grade teacher wasn't impressed.

Two years on and I still can't write very legibly unless I really give it some thought. I learned how to type when I was about eight and I haven't really given much thought to the mundane idea of actually writing something since. I mean, how nineteenth century. Puh-leez.

You know, they told me I would never get anywhere if I didn't write neatly, if I didn't pass math, if I didn't pick up a sport and called it a sport (I called anything I did an 'art' and it annoyed them), if I didn't get a boyfriend. Well, guess what? I can't write neatly. I failed math. I didn't pick up a 'sport' I 'ice skate' which is an 'art' and I don't have a boyfriend. But I'm skipping a grade, any you're all middle-aged hags trapped in a government primary school tormenting people like me with pen licences. And I bet you all wrote neatly, passed math, picked up a 'sport' and had boyfriends.

It's still pretty cute.

There's a cat camping under the bush outside my window.

It's especially creepy at night because it's nearly black and has these big luminescent eyes.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when we came home one day and it was lurking behind the trailer.

It was pretty cute.

It didn't go away.

The next day I found it in the bottom of the garden near the pool. It was still pretty cute.

My dogs didn't think so. Every time Bella managed to force herself through the bars of the fence the cat shoots out like a bat out of hell.

The cat lurked in the back garden for a few weeks. It came down every time I went outside to keep it company, whenever Skye (who can't fit through the gaps in the fence) decides to try Operation Get-The-Cat-Out-of-The-Garden and whenever I tried to pick tomatoes from our tomato patch. Then it decided that Bella was too annoying and vacated.

And relocated.

To the front yard.

It now comes out and greets us whenever we come home, at whatever hour. It waits on the doorstep and creeps the crap out of my sister because all you can see at night are floating yellow eyes. It rubs against our legs (I'm sorry I call it it. Its hair is too long to work out its gender) and has now made a nest under the bush outside my bedroom window to keep out of the heat.

We don't know where the cat's from, or who it belongs to, but it's not starving because it is quite a formidable hunter. It left a peace offering on our doorstep - a dead mouse splayed open - sometime last night. How charming.

The cat is very cute, and very friendly. It lets me pick it up and scratch its head and stroke it. It meows at three in the morning as if to say 'Hi, pal...you won't let me into the house even though I gave you a peace offering.' or 'It's not fair that two incredibly stupid dogs who can't even catch mice are inside and I, the Formidable Mouse Catcher, am out here.'


But it's still pretty cute.

There are three kinds of people in the world.

The janitors, the backup dancers and the star.

Janitors are those people who make a general nuisance of themselves, hate the world and end up as janitors - I'm not talking about those immigrants that are forced to become janitors because people in Australia can't see past black skin, foreign customs and a lack of a common language to a good brain. No these janitors were probably the popular kids at school, trampled on everyone else, dumped every second partner, probably shattering endless amounts of marriage and baby dreams, and so deserve what they get.

I don't feel sorry for these janitors.

Unfortunately for the world, there are too many of these 'janitors'.

There are also too many backup dancers.

Backup dancers are nice people, but they're chicken. It's not cool to be smart, no, so you'll pretend to be dumb. It's not cool to brag that you're a size eight so you'll go on and on about how fat your thighs are. You hate people who 'show off' and 'win prizes' - I mean, who gets a boyfriend and a normal job that way?

These people annoy me, because they aim too low. They only aim to be the random hot people dancing behind the person behind the mic when they really could be, with a bit of confidence and thick skin, the person behind the mic.

Then there are the last kind of people: the stars.

Granted, these people sometimes don't make it and fall into a fourth sub-category known as 'losers' - but I don't like to talk about that category much. Stars are undervalued, overworked, underfed, abused, degraded...until they can make shitloads of money and then people love them.

There is no comfort in being normal, not for me, anyway. What's the point of enduring all the hardships of life is all you get is to be yet another gravestone in yet another graveyard? Why would you settle for being the backup dancer, when you can be the person who's actually under the spotlight? Is it really worth keeping the popular girls (who will end up as janitors) happy, is it really worth trying to impress that buff brainless jock (who will also end up as a janitor)? By trying to impress people who will only end up as janitors, by trying to fit in with people who will only end up as backup dancers, you're forfeiting your chance to be the star.

So yeah, I know, when you aim big you can fall flat on your face and people will laugh at you. People will tell you you're too fat, too young, too untalented, too whatever, and they won't believe you can do it until you can (and they'll still be in denial. They'll tell you 'you got lucky', or that someone called God had anything to do with it.)

So, if you're a backup dancer, you can't hate the star. You've got to make sacrifices - a chance at a life people will remember, or a chance at social normality. Sheldon Cooper and I both know what to choose.

That was a total waste of my time. I know.

P.S. only *one* person found it *cool* that I got out of hospital? Gee, thanks.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Why Legolas has remained anonymous.

I know I bitch about a lot of people on this blog. Legolas, Goldilocks, Alaska, BSC, K, my crazy frog-obsessed year co-ordinator.

You may have noticed that I don't mention specific names and, with the exception of the male members of my list, I don't mention specific scenarios.

Well, I don't mention names because I like my freedom and free speech and my blog and it is illegal to put names in public no matter what people do (although, it seems, it is not illegal to break hearts, be a nuisance or a class A bitch, and I see all of the above as more damaging than having your name put on a blog that less than 0.1 percent of the world's population reads) and I don't mention specific scenarios (well, not about the female members of my list) because, to be honest, they're just too damn smart.

You see, if someone had, I don't know, thrown me down a flight of stairs, than I cold explain all the gory details of how I broke every bone in my body and how the offender got expelled in a most melodramatic fashion from the school. But, you see, bullies are not that dumb these days, especially in my school.

Bullying is a subtle art. It is a real gift to be able to make someone feel truly shit in a way that is not illegal or against the rules. It is a true wonder how they can do something so devastating to your ego, but can only be explained so that it sounds like the most childish and petty thing possible. And the law is even on their side, because I can't name and shame them, no, I just have to take all the crap and protect their identity.

That is really not fair.

So that is why Legolas has remained anonymous.

Commentators should note that I can and do read every comment posted on this blog, and are kindly reminded not to include anything illegal/offensive/annoying/stupid/lame in their comment, even if that comment is deleted. Yeah. I can still read it after you've deleted it.

Sorry I'm being crabby. Panadol can only do so much for post-surgery crap, and I think I'm allergic to opiates.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear America, Australia and the World.

You should know, Julian Assange is my hero.

Don't shoot the messanger.

Face the secrets you've been hiding.

We all deserve freedom of speech.


I'm out of hospital.

I've got a slit down my stomach, and puncture wound in my arm and a new pacemaker. I'm bloated from taking way too many painkillers and I got maybe three hours of sleep last night.

But it's okay, you know. It could be worse. If I was born maybe 20 years from now I would just be a gravestone in a graveyard - and you all know that is my worst fear.

When you're lying in bed with a mindblowing headache and sincerely wishing that this pain had a switch you could just turn off, you sincerely feel for those who have been through this pain, are going through this pain, are going to go through this pain, and for those who have had worse pain than this. And yes, you do start hating those blonde bitches and dumb year co-ordinators and bad exes even more - I have to go through this and that and they walk away blonde and beautiful and vilely evil. You see, this is why I don't believe in karma. It's weird how I think about all this petty shit when I feel like shit, isn't it? But it's true. This is why I don't believe in God.

What I do believe in is that I, and all the other kids in PMH and around the world who are sick, can overcome this, without karma, without God, without boyfriends and money and good looks. Sure, all of the above would be nice, but life isn't nice, not all the time, anyway. Just look at the slit down my stomach, the bald heads on cancer patients and the gravestones of those who didn't make it for proof of that.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Just chillin' in my trolley, homie.

I haven't sat in a trolley since I was about four years old.

We just went Christmas shopping and I hopped into a big trolley and enjoyed not having to walk.

I got laughed at, pointed at, and stared at by half a Target store. Lovely.

But seriously, what is their problem? Okay, so you don't see a fourteen year old in a trolley every day? But why do they have to ruin my fun? It's a free country, isn't it? Why am I not allowed in a trolley and four year olds are? Why are they making me grow up when I don't want to? I am me, and I do what I want.

Sometimes I look at people and we're all like robots - we all do the same thing, at the same time, all day, every day. Maybe we need crazy teenagers in trolleys to make us human again.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Dim Sum.

For those of you who have not experienced the proper Dim Sum experience, you really are missing out on something.

By proper...well, this is not what proper is. Proper is not one or two lonely souls eating whatever comes around and balking at the chicken feet.

By proper I mean a big group at one of those big tables with a lazy susan. The ordering is done in a rapid babble of Cantonese, with those inept at Cantonese (read: LR) yelling out favourites in English.

The authentic Chin order always includes Chicken feet (suck it up, ang mors), spare ribs steamed in a gooey blackbean sauce, rice noodle rolls drowned in sweet soy sauce and gooey congee...mmm...

It's a family thing - I love family meals. As much as I like my solitary ramen fixes, there's nothing like standing around a round table, armed with chopsticks, fighting over those tiny dim sum dishes or, as it was in Singapore a few years ago, a big steamed fish with lots of soy and ginger.

Food is a massive element of Chinese culture. In fact, if it wasn't for food, I don't think any of us would really get along.


Another one of my weird habits is that I drink vinegar.


Straight out of the bottle.

Off a teaspoon.

You must think I'm nuts.

My mum buys this really good balsamic vinegar, and I'm kind of addicted to it. It's not just sour - it's sweet, and then there's this complex bit, and then it ends kind of sour.

Apparently, prisoners in the old settlement-days of Australia were given a spoonful of vinegar a day to make up for the nutritional gaps in convict diet.

Whatever. Call me weird, but nothing's gonna come between me and my spoon of vinegar.

The impossible is possible.

There's that age old question.

Help! My child wants to be an astronaut!

They often tell us that the only limitations we have are ourselves but, when you're young, naive, vulnerable and rudely ignored by the law, sometimes our only limitations...are our parents.

But the impossible really is possible.

When a child goes up to a parent and says 'Mommy/Daddy, I wanna be an astronaut!' the moment you convince that poor kid that it's not possible, think of something else, BAM! his life is ruined.

You get those very odd kids who want to be accountants or have some other kind of stable, boring, 9 to 5 jobs. Those kids are very rare - they only emerge when they are disillusioned teenagers, disenchanted by bad grades and overly-practical parents.

Okay, so maybe your kid will never be an astronaut, or a movie star. Maybe they don't have the brains or the skill or the looks - or so you think. It is healthy to say that anything is possible, but nothing falls into your lap and that if you aim for the moon, sometimes you've just got to settle amongst the stars.

So yes, it is possible for your kid to become an astronaut.

It is possible for your kid to become a movie star.

It is possible for your kid to become a dinosaur...okay, maybe not.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Story of Us Part II

I guess you think my wrath will only be limited to boyfriends,
How wrong you are.
You can get a story from every scar.
I still have those scars,
Of when you threw me down,
And hurt me.
You don't have to put love in the equation,
I'll make sure you'll be sorry.

I can still remember those people who held me down,
As they thrust a needle in my tiny child's arm.
I can still remember my own scream,
And I swear I heard you laugh.
You didn't think I'd forget that,
Did you?

You're going to be part of my stories,
And you'll regret,
How you picked on an easy target.
You and me,
Victim and enemy,
I'll have fun,
Writing the story of us.

Did you think I'd forget
How you stuck drawing pins into me?
Those fucking badges,
You'd take them off your shirt and into my skin.
You were just having fun,
But you didn't know what I went through,
And I'm not the kind to forgive and forget.
And keep my silence.

You're going to be part of my stories,
And you'll regret,
How you picked on an easy target.
You and me,
Victim and enemy,
I'll have fun,
Writing the story of us.

Yeah, and I remember you,
I told you all my secrets,
And you told them all away.
I didn't want my heart to become popular culture,
But it did, anyway.
Thank you.
I was naive.
You were just mean.

You're going to be part of my stories,
And you'll regret,
How you picked on an easy target.
You and me,
Victim and enemy,
I'll have fun,
Writing the story of us.

Next chapter

Year six I'll still remember how you taunted me,
Because I was changing,
And you were not.
There were things in my bag that you didn't know,
And it scared you,
So you scared me.
This was one race I just happened to win,
And even though you won all the others,
I know you still didn't like it.

You're going to be part of my stories,
And you'll regret,
How you picked on an easy target.
You and me,
Victim and enemy,
I'll have fun,
Writing the story of us.

You don't think I can do it,
But don't you worry.
One day, some day,
I'll make you say 'sorry'.
Maybe that day will be so far away that you'll forget about it.
But you've given yourself the cancer,
And it's gonna pop up years later.

Think about that.
Because now I must
Go and write the story of us.

The end.

Also inspired by 'The Story of Us'.

Story of Us Part I

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us
How we met and the sparks flew instantly
People would say, "they're the lucky ones"
I used think one day my place would be a spot next to you
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
Far away from you and your horrible sneer.

'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on
Wish I could say it's just a simple complication
Miscommunications lead to fall out
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone
In a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And it's so sad to know that
It's not killing you
Like it's killing me.
I don't know what to say
Since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now

Next chapter

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes
And trying to look busy
And you're doing your best to avoid me

But now I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us
How I lost my mind,
And how you took advantage of me
And how I made you lose your pride when you lost me
You'd be so scared to read the ending
It's a great story,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how
I guess the only thing to do is scream our story out loud.

Now I'm standing alone
In a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And it's so sad to know that
It's not killing you
Like it's killing me.
I don't know what to say
Since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now

This is looking like a contest
Of who can act like they care less
I guess you don't know every glare
And every slur
Turns into a chapter.

One day,
You'll regret this.
One day,
You'll be all over the shelves.
Our story will have my name on it,
And everyone will know
How you let me down...
In the story of us.

The end.

Inspired by The Story of Us by Taylor Swift.

I guess there's nothing to do but keep smiling.

I guess there's nothing to do but keep smiling.

If words could describe how genuinely terrified I am of Tuesday then English would have far exceeded my wildest expectations.

I'm not scared of death, not really. I'm actually profoundly curious as to what happens after we leave this world. Although, I'm scared that I won't get what I want before I die, whenever that may be. Top of the list is love, which is honestly why I've been driven to do some pretty crazy things in my attempts to get it. If you were in my shoes, desperate for time, desperate for everything, then you'd understand.

No, it's pain that I'm scared of the most. Death at least is over, sooner or later. But pain can be eternal.

So I've been listening to lots of Bon Jovi, lots of Taylor Swift. What else can I do? I can't refuse. My body is not really mine to make decisions over, is it? There wasn't even a line for me to sign on the surgical permission papers.

It's kind of silly when they tell me to be brave. What do they know? Nothing. They don't know what I or a million people have to go through. Perhaps if they knew they wouldn't treat me and the others so badly. Maybe they wouldn't lie and cheat and break hearts, because really, my heart is broken anyway. It never worked, so why tread over it anyway? Just like it's bad enough to hurt a child, but to hurt a deformed child is low. I like to think that if I could somehow force them to experience what I have been forced to go through they'd shut up and show me some motherfucking respect. If I dropped dead in the middle of the school then a lot of people would feel truly guilty, or so I'd like to believe.

Truly, I envy the people who only go to hospital for babies or broken legs, I really do. I don't comprehend people who voluntarily go under the knife. If they knew the indescribable horror, terror, pain of some of the more serious surgeries (that, thankfully, I endured too long ago for me to recall) they'd think twice over wanting a new nose.

It wouldn't be enough to say I don't like surgery, or hospital. Hate is not even a strong enough word. It's humiliating, it's degrading, it's revolting and primitive. I don't trust them, or the place. I feel more like a specimen that they just poke and prod and talk about as if I'm not in the room. I don't feel like a human being anymore.


I guess there's nothing to do but keep smiling.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I can hear my heartbeat in the bath sometimes. I think it's the hot water.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

It's as if it's telling me 'I'm still okay. Not due for sick leave yet.'

They don't seem to think so.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Bad Remakes

I don't understand why television companies say 'Oh, this television show is pretty popular. Let's make a spectacularly godawful remake!'

I mean, take Top Gear, that amazing British car show. Yeah, it's amazing because it's British. It's the British humour that does it, not the cars - to be honest, most viewers (myself included) couldn't give a rat's fart about cars. We don't want to watch fat Aussie blokes trying to emulate Richard Hammond because it just doesn't work.

Another thing that pisses me off is when they made an Iron Chef Australia. Iron Chef is Japanese, people, and the reason why it's so spectacularly entertaining is because you need that crazy Japanese flair, you need that crazy Japanese chairman, and you need the crazy dubbing. It doesn't work in Australia, why can't they see that?

The worst thing is when they cancel the original show and replace it with a crappy remake. Like MasterChef - although, admittedly, that remake wasn't so bad. But still...I miss my rainy ramen days.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Dear L.R., nearly 13.

Dear L.R., nearly 13.

This is L.R., nearly 15.

I wish I could warn you before it happened, but a boy is going to break your heart.

You're going to fall in love and you're going to be over the moon, but he's going to send you crashing down.

He's going to be someone elses. He's not going to be worth it. But it's going to happen.

He'll ask you out, and you'll feel like dancing in the rain. You'll sing love songs all weekend. And then he'll pull the rug from under your feet, and I wish I could have told you, but it's too late. It's happened, and you're going to cry yourself to sleep. Be strong.

And you're going to be scarred after him. Nobody's going to understand except me, but for some reason, you won't be able to pick yourself up for a year afterward. You won't even know why you can't get over what is obviously so beneath you. You'll look at him and be angry, be sad, and think 'Why?'. You're going to wonder how your sweet little boy could be so cruel.

Nobody's going to understand. They'll try and make you forgive and forget too early, and it's going to hurt even more. It's because of them you're going to be still bleeding when you should have long healed. They won't give you a chance to let your wounds heal - they'll just keep ripping off the bandaid and laugh as you bleed. This is a time when you're going to be alone, but be strong.

What I can tell you now is that things are going your way - and you'll have to enjoy this, and wait for love. I'm sorry I cannot offer you more solace. I wish I could tell you now you have a wonderful boy who loves you and wraps his arm around you and kisses you and buys you roses in February and holds your hand as he walks you to class. I wish I could tell you he bought you a ring on your birthday and a bracelet for Christmas and you wear them both, and you make sure they match with everything. I wish I could tell you that this boy is smart and funny and sweet and cute and will never lie to you, never hurt you...but I can't.

Somebody in your life, someone precious, is going to leave, but otherwise you're getting what you wanted, more or less. You're going to prove all of them wrong, because you're going to show them what you can do. Love can wait. But I can tell you here, now, at least some of your dreams are coming true.

Oh, and the thing you've been dreading...it will happen this summer.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Honey Hannah.

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger,
And it's so quiet in the world tonight.
Your eyelids flutter,
I wonder what you're dreaming
In your tiny baby mind.

I can see dimples in your cheeks,
And under your lips.
In your elbows and on your knees.
There are little dimples for each little knuckle on each little fist.

Honey Hannah,
To you everything's funny,
Honey Hannah,
To you everything's going your way.
Honey Hannah,
To you everything's lovely,
Honey Hannah,
To you everything revolves around you.

Honey Hannah,
Don't you cry,
Even though I'm gonna cry when you say goodbye,
Your cousin's going to miss you so much.

Honey Hannah,
Don't you weep,
Even though I'm gonna miss how cute you look when you sleep,
Your jie is going to miss you so much.

Honey Hannah,
I don't want you to grow up,
Stay this little forevermore.
Honey Hannah,
I don't want you to lose this,
Your sweet firefly days.

Honey Hannah,
I don't want to see you cry,
I don't want a boy to break your heart.
I was once like you,
But I don't want you to become like me,
Honey Hannah,
Stay like this for me.

Honey Hannah,
I don't want to lose this,
I don't want you to lose your little double chin.
I don't want you to lose your baby tummy,
Or your baby smile.
Your cousin's known pain,
You don't want to know pain,
Honey Hannah,
Hold on to what you've got.

I don't want to watch your innocence robbed from you,
I don't want to watch your heart break,
I don't want to watch you cry yourself to sleep over a boy who doesn't deserve you.
I don't want you to watch as you change when you don't wanna change,
I don't want you to have to do things you don't wanna do,
Honey Hannah,
Ignorance isn't bliss,
But innocence is.

Honey Hannah,
My honey Hannah,
Don't you ever grow up.
Honey Hannah,
My honey Hannah...
Good luck.

Inspired by my cousin Hannah and the song 'Never Grow Up' from 'Speak Now' by Taylor Swift'

Friday, December 10, 2010

Dear Teachers Past,

Dear Teachers Past,

You were all liars.
You told me that I was good at nothing.
You told me I would never be anything.
That I aimed too high.
You judged me by the colour of my skin.
You were scared of what I could and could not do.

Dear Teachers Past,
I'll never forget you.
And I hope to give you cause never to forget me.

Dear Teachers Present,

Some of you have never let me down.
Some of you believed in me.
Some of you I love with all my heart.
But the rest
Tried to pull me down.
You are scared of how bold I have become.

Dear Teachers Present,
I'll never forget you.
And I hope to give you cause never to forget me.

Dear Teachers Future,
I'm quite looking forward to you.
I hope to leave behind the liars of past and present,
I hope to take with me those who inspired me,
And I swear I will do you proud.
To teachers I have yet to love,
I trust we'll be good friends.
To teachers I have loved,
I'll never forget,
How you helped me up,
Every time I was pushed to the ground.

Dear Teachers Future,
I...look forward to you.
And I hope you look forward to me.

The Cluedo Anology.

If you've ever played Cluedo, you may have realized that Mrs Peacock has an advantage. Not only is she only seven spaces away from the nearest door (the rest of the players are eight spaces away), that door leads to a room with a secret passageway. It's not against the rules or to be considered cheating, but still, an advantage is an advantage.

Sometimes I feel that way between women and men. Even when men don't cheat, don't break the rules, they're still Mrs Peacock.

I know people think I'm being petty about this - this and about Cluedo. But when you're as young as I am you notice these things, and you get angry about it. And you want to change, but no, you're too young, they say. The fire of reformation dies long before the society deems you qualified for revolution, because you learn to bow your head and behave when you're older - or so I've seen. I never want to be like that.

I notice how women must be so beautiful - more beautiful, it seems, than men. I mean, I love makeup, but only if it makes you feel good. But no, there's this societal requirement to wear makeup, even if you don't want to (I have see way too many women wearing makeup just because they feel they need to), pluck eyebrows, wear nice clothes. And then you must constantly praise other women, or you'll be seen as a shrew, and you constantly have to degrade yourself, or you'll be called vain and arrogant. I've never seen a man sing praises about another man's abs, or bemoan his physical features to eye-bleeding extremism just because he felt he had to.

And then there's that kind of sexism that is supposed to be light hearted and funny, but it's not. Do you know how many times I have heard feminists being described as man-hating women who refuse to shave their legs? Let me tell you something - I and many other women have great cause to hate men, but we don't. And refusing to shave? Does that make all men feminists too, because they don't shave their legs?

This is why I see things like infidelity and, oh, I don't know, randomly asking out people and dumping them online to be so bad, especially in men. If men took one second, just one fucking second, to realize just what women have to do for them, for other women and for the world, they should back off a bit. We have to try so hard to get so little.

Infidelity is disgusting. Jonathan Rhys Meyers, an egotistical bastard who plays another egotistical bastard in The Tudors, Henry VIII, says that 'I have only had one girlfriend who I didn't cheat on. Men are like that. No matter how many times you eat pasta, some night you are going to want steak.' I hate how he says that so off-handedly, so casually, as though it's perfectly acceptable for men to go fuck around when they're supposedly with someone. And yet people idolize him, this Jonathan Rhys Meyers, even though if a woman said something like that people would be calling her a skank. Double standards, much? Or then there's Dr. Phil (God knows why anyone likes him or his show), who made his ex wife stay at home, not have a say in their business and lift weights to increase her bustline, and yet everyone seems to be kind of cool with that. I'm pretty sure if I ran a business, shunned my husband from it and made him work out 24/7 so that I'd have a hot manbag to sleep with...well, let's face it, no man would tolerate that, unless they voluntarily did all of the above. But yet, a man did this to a woman, and what's more, he's not the only one, and he's a public figure, for crying out loud.

Men in general, with a few noble exceptions, take a good too many liberties because of their sex. They expect too much of women and not enough of themselves. I believe that all men can do better. I'm not saying they have to run off and pluck their eyebrows and wear lipstick, but I think all of us, men and women, can afford to show everyone a bit of respect.

By the way, whenever we play Cluedo now Mrs Peacock must start off the board. To make it fair. I see that as an anology for chivalry towards women - to try and make things a bit fairer.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

What up?

Sorry I haven't been posting these last couple of days.

What's been going on? Lots of things.

My cousins are here from Singapore - my maternal cousins, one of my uncles and his wife and my maternal grandmother. So our household has the addition of eight, including my adorable two-year-old cousin Hannah, who starts every sentence with 'I dowan' (baby talk for 'I don't want'). If she doesn't like you, she'll pout, make a gun with her fingers and go 'BOMB!' - how adorable is that!?

So life has been a bit crazy. But we're getting good food, though - my grandmother is a venerable cook. Dinner is a big, noisy, family affair, and everything has lots of soy sauce and ginger in it. Good stuff.

I had my year eleven Transition day on Monday, and I must tell you, I'm stoked. Next year I feel like I'm really going to start living - I can stop wasting my time and get on to something useful. I wait with increasing impatience for the new year. Actually, my anticipation for next year is a bit of a rollercoaster - my ego inflates and then deflates at a most alarming rate.

So Lady Renegade is enjoying life - and blue eyeliner and red lipstick. Oh, and the cyborg is getting rewired.

You know you hate me,

xoxo L.R.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Such a Pretty Face

She is the family's disgrace,
What a shame,
Such a pretty face.
She acts like she owns the place,
What a shame,
Such a pretty face.
We're all against her,
We don't understand her,
That's what she says,
What a shame,
Such a pretty face.

She is not herself these days,
What a shame,
Such a pretty face.
Things must always go her way,
What a shame,
Such a pretty face.

A demon that knows no consideration,
A devil that shows no commiseration,
What a shame,
Such a pretty face.

Living with her is like being the servant of a queen,
Once so sweet, and now so mean.
She must always come first place,
I am always second-rate,
She blackmails,
And gives in to rage.
She knows her beauty,
And it's her alibi,
I wish I could just walk away and say goodbye.

What a shame,
Such a pretty face.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

C'est moi.

Bonjour! C'est moi!

Je suis blogging en francais parce que je me etonnement si trois anee de etude de francais (et assistance vaste de traducteur internet) peut produire le français compréhensible.

Ainsi va ici.

Je mappelle Lady Renegade et j'ai quatorze, presque quinze ans. Je suis un étudiant à Perth Modern School et je vis dans Perth, Australie avec ma famille. Ma pere est tres grand et gris. Ma mere est tres chaud et amour. Ma soeur est...bien, ma soeur est ma soeur, non?

J'ai deux chiennes, Skye et Bella. Skye est braun et tres stupides, et Bella est tres mignon et adorable mais tres muet et puant.

Comme vous pouvez avoir deviné, ma francais est tres pathetique. Sincerement, j'ai deteste francais - la classe de francaise, Pas la langue lui-même. Je J'échoue à voir comment la systeme nationale et trois professeurs censément qualifiés peut gâter le travail d'apprendre une langue si jolie, élégante. Malgré trois ans d'enfer pur essayant d'apprendre le français, je n'ai jamais perdu mon amour, ni mon admiration pour la langue.

Ainsi, dites-moi : la sorcière italienne m'a-t-elle appris bien ? Sont les services de traduction Internet aussi sophistiqué qu'ils revendiquent être ?

Saturday, November 27, 2010

That time.

Remember that time,
When you just wanted to grow up to be a big girl?
When you didn't know anything about this big scary world.

Remember that time,
When all you wanted was an 'A' grade?
When you didn't know that it was the ditzy girls who had it made.

I want to go back to that time,
That time that has slipped away.
I want to go back to that time when it was okay to make a mistake.
I want to go back to that time,
That time when I didn't know half of what I know now,
Because half of what I know now is

That people break hearts and people aren't nice,
And you've got to learn how to bitch back.
Now I know that you've got to watch your back,
And you've always got to be ready for a surprise attack.
Now I know that there's nobody I can trust,
I want to go back to that time,
When I didn't need to know.

Remember that time,
When love was getting hugs from mum?
When you didn't know that there are these other things called boys.

Remember that time,
When all you dreamed of in the world was chocolate cake?
When you would have laughed yourself silly if someone said something like 'heartbreak'.

I want to go back to that time,
That time that has slipped away.
I want to go back to that time when it was okay to make a mistake.
I want to go back to that time,
That time when I didn't know half of what I know now,
Because half of what I know now is

That people break hearts and people aren't nice,
And you've got to learn how to bitch back.
Now I know that you've got to watch your back,
And you've always got to be ready for a surprise attack.
Now I know that there's nobody I can trust,
I want to go back to that time,
When I didn't need to know.

I want to go back to that time,
When I could be comforted by an 'it's gonna be okay'.
I would go back to that time,
If I had it my way.
I don't know why I tried to rush out of that,
Because now I'm trying to force myself back in.
But that's life, I guess,
You don't know until you lose,
Exactly what you win.

Sometimes I feel like the only weak one.

I was five when the 9/11 attacks happened in 2001.

Since then, every day on the news I would hear about American soldiers dying in places like Iraq and Afghanistan.

To be honest, it didn't mean much to me. When you hear about death like that, all the time, every day, it just flies past you. When you're five you're too impatient to be worried about what the grey-haired lady is saying on the TV. I didn't even know where America or Iraq or Afghanistan was or what the hell was going on. I thought 9/11 was just some scary movie mum was watching when I wanted to watch Play School.

Now that I'm older and I sort of understand what's going on, I'm horrified that I've been hardened towards death. I hear about people dying left right centre - war, random murders involving God-willed decapitation, etc. It flies past me now. It's like that for all of us, all of us who have seen and heard of this Iraq War before we were old enough to understand, whilst we were young enough to become immune to death.

We watched a documentary on the events of 9/11 in year seven, and it scared the living daylights out of me - it was the first time that this war hit home, for some reason - the smoke, fire, panic of the dramatic re-enactment and the stock footage of the actual event. My classmates watched deadpan, expressionless, even bored, watching something that claimed so many lives.

I just feel like we've been hardened against something we really should fear, immunized from something we really should experienced. I think we're being protected from what we really should know.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

What We've Become

It's been a long time
Since you smiled at me,
Sometimes I find myself missing you.
It's been a long time,
Since I laughed with you,
Before you made everyone laugh at me.

And so here we are,
Smiling over what made me cry,
We gotta put our poker faces on, you know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
And even though I'm a girl I don't get much of a leeway.
The schoolyard is not a place to breakdown,
Even though it's such an emotional battleground.
I don't like what we've become,
If we could start over again what would you have done?

You say something cruel to me,
I smile, try to take it lightly,
I like to think that you wouldn't if you didn't have to.
I counter all your mean remarks,
I know my words are like knives and they'll leave a scar,
But no matter why you fight I've still got to fight back.

And so here we are,
Trying to make each other cry,
We gotta put our poker faces on, you know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
And part of the job description is heartbreak.
The schoolyard is not a place to breakdown,
Even though it's such an emotional battleground.
I don't like what we've become,
But I don't know what else I could have done.

It's so sad you still know how to be so cold,
I wonder what happened to my little boy,
I guess he got tougher as he grew old.
We're still connected by a thread we try to break.
Because no matter what we do,
We're still bound by what we went through,
And my only comfort is that no matter how bitter we are,
There was once a time when we had fun.

And so here we are,
Smiling over what made me cry,
We gotta put our poker faces on, you know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
And even though I'm a girl I don't get much of a leeway.
The schoolyard is not a place to breakdown,
Even though it's such an emotional battleground.
I don't like what we've become,
If we could start over again what would you have done?

And so here we are,
Trying to make each other cry,
We gotta put our poker faces on, you know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
And part of the job description is heartbreak.
The schoolyard is not a place to breakdown,
Even though it's such an emotional battleground.
I don't like what we've become,
But I don't know what else I could have done.

There was a time of innocence,
Do you remember that?
I think this is too high a price to pay for a few moments of joy.
We've become so cold now,
Forever trying to stab each other's backs.
Do you remember when we used to be friends?
Can you remember that,
Before we became this?

And so here we are,
So childish it makes me cry,
They ask too much of us, I don't know why.
I know you've gotta be a man to your mates,
You've got to paint me as the bitch who got it her way.
I still think what happened was unfair,
But I know I can't change what happened whilst we still have to pretend we don't care.
I don't like what we've become,
If we could start over again what would you have done?

Do you know what we've become?
If you knew this was how it was going to end what would you have done?
I'd like to think you just made some stupid mistakes,
And this is the price I have to pay for your ridiculously high stakes.
I don't like what we've come,
But I don't know what else I could have done.

But I do.

A million of them,
Too many to ignore,
When you're not the winner you always want more.
Both judge and prize...
Maybe next time.
Shouldn't want,
But I do.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Seventh Grade

I'm so glad you made time to see me,
How's life, tell me how's your family,
I haven't seen them in a while.

I guess you could say that I've been good,
Busier than ever,
We small talk,
Working the weather,
It's getting awkward and we both know why.

Because the last time you saw me we were getting out of seventh grade,
I had my mind set on the future and I threw my past away,
I should have known there was something good about the bad.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
And admitting that since those days nothing has really been right.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
What's the point of freedom if I can't share it with you,
You can't share joy with people who are so cold to you,
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the seventh grade one more time.

Sometimes I stay up playing back,
All those silly things we used to say,
When we were playground sisters I felt so safe.
It didn't matter what those boys did to me,
Or how all those teachers turned around and betrayed me,
I knew that with my friends everything would be okay.

But I spent all my time with you dreaming of a sweet escape,
Things are good now but with you they'd be so great,
If only I could still be with you.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
And admitting that I haven't found your current-day counterparts.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
I'm stuck in the past,
Not enjoying the present without you,
I haven't moved on,
Like I know I should do,
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the seventh grade one more time.

I'm just saying,
I haven't found anyone good enough to replace you,
We were a Gang of Four,
And now I'm a Gang of Nobody,
Revenge is not as sweet without you.
I'm just saying,
Life's going great now,
I just with that you could see me now,
I wish we could erase the distance.

Victory is not the same,
When there's nobody to cheer you on.
I wish we could go back to the days,
When I was there for you,
And you were there for me.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
And admitting that since those days nothing has really been right.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
What's the point of freedom if I can't share it with you,
You can't share joy with people who are so cold to you,
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the seventh grade one more time.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
And admitting that I haven't found your current-day counterparts.
And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.
I'm stuck in the past,
Not enjoying the present without you,
I haven't moved on,
Like I know I should do,
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the seventh grade one more time.

And I go back to the seventh grade all the time.

I forgot to add that this poem was inspired by the amazing new song off Taylor Swift's new album Speak Now - 'Back To December'.

Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques,
Pourquoi pas moi?
Pourquoi pas moi?
Je devrais être heureux pour vous,
Je devrais être heureux pour vous,
Mais je ne suis pas.
Mais je ne suis pas.

New Zealand Mine Disaster.

My heart goes out to our Kiwi brothers affected by the recent New Zealand Mine Disaster. May those who died rest in peace and may their friends and family find the courage to find peace and move on. I applaud those who attempted the rescue and I pray that others are not harmed during the recovery procedures.

L. Renegade.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

faith or reason?

The reason why I am opposed to religion is that I believe that it does more harm than good.

The pure base of religion is lovely. If you believe in God and do good in your life you go to heaven. If you don't, you go to hell. Something like that. It should be a nice way to keep crime rates down.

But people who are so deeply and profoundly religious risk losing all sense of reason. Such as slaughtering unbelievers, to the more mundane - not allowing Sunday trading, banning their children from Harry Potter, and then back to the important - stances against blacks, women, homosexuals, unbelievers, etc. The problem with religion is that once it controls your life sufficiently enough to deprive you of all common sense, you start to try and control other people in ways that one human being should not control another.

I read Harry Potter. I support women's rights and gays and Sunday trading. It's called COMMON SENSE. I read Harry Potter because I like it. I support women's rights and gays because I have made a conscious decision that it is a right and important thing to do. I support Sunday trading because yes, I do need to eat on Sundays, too. God is not the be all and end all of everything.

As atheist as I am, I try not to impose my beliefs onto others, unless their beliefs obstruct mine in a way I believe to be unreasonable. I'm a big believer in doing whatever you want, as long as it doesn't affect other people. Which means I don't support people trying to make a universal ban on Harry Potter - in fact, I don't even advocate parents banning their children from reading it, because children are human beings too, you know, and have the right to have a say in what they do.

I don't approve of people, religious or not, making outlandish claims and having the audacity to bother federal courts who have better things to worry about than whether or not Harry Potter supports Satan. It is because of these people all religious people look ridiculous. It doesn't matter what family, religion, ethnicity, community you belong to, once you belong to it, you represent it in all that you do. Which is why I can't stand Asians acting weird because it gives all of us a bad name.

We have a civic duty to protect the rights and liberties of all people on earth. The impinge on another man's rights is the greatest crime of all.

Monday, November 22, 2010

it's very rude to say kiss my ass, so i'll say...embrace my derriere.


Red lipstick.


Halina dresses.


Pink gloss.


Kiss ass this summer.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

the kid is smart. why is it failing?

There is a common misconception that smart kids shouldn't fail in easy work because it is, well, easy for them, and they'll finish in no time at all. And so, it is only right for harder work to be given after they have complete easy/standard tasks.

Not so.

Some of the worst marks I have received when I was little were subjects I was actually quite good at - and for a variety of reasons - so that the gap between my spelling and maths tests wasn't big (I always had this idea in my head that if I was doing badly at the subjects my parents knew I was good at they wouldn't be too fussed about my bad math marks), so that my marks were comparable to the rest of the kids, because it was an act of rebellion, and of curiousity - what does it feel like to fail a spelling test?

But most of the reason is pure boredom.

It may seem reasonable to expect a kid who is very good at English to finish the easy stuff that you know it can do with it's eyes shut in about three seconds, and then you can dig out some harder work.

But what sense does that make? I cottonned on pretty quick that the teachers knew that I was beyond some of the stuff in class, and so I reasoned that the only reason that they could possibly be giving this crap to me is because they hate me and want to make me suffer. The world hates me. Wah. If you know a kid can do it, why make them do it again? I always used to hate it when the grade three teacher would give us grade two work and say 'just checking that you know it still.' It never made any sense to me.

From your point of view, the kid should spend fifteen minutes at most on this 'easy stuff' that they 'simply must do'. Fifteen miserable minutes. Is that too much to ask?

The answer? Yes.

Think of it from a child's point of view. When I was younger, days seemed to last for a milennia - and because when you're younger, a single day is a much larger percentage of your entire life than it is when you're older. A bored seven year old wasting fifteen minutes of his life doing shit he hates is like an adult wasting three hours before getting to the 'good stuff'.

And then, as you get older and fifteen minutes may not seem like a century, you start feeling like you're running out of time. Why should I waste my time on this? I should be out conquering the world! Teenagers and older children start to see school as a barrier between them and a life - and that is true for even the most academic who really must rely on education to have any sort of quality of life - a year or so ago I told my mother, much to her utter shock, that I was dropping out of school the second I turned 16 - the legal age to drop out in Australia. Giving boring work during school further fuels this belief that school is a sadistic invention of adults designed to torture the younger generation.

A kid, or anyone, for that matter, is not programmed to accept work that is too hard or too easy for them - by 'too hard' I mean beyond challenging and into the frightening realms of 'impossible', and by 'too easy' I mean something that is not quick and simple but long and fidgety and boring. Boredom has been a large element in my schooling, and I resent that - primary school was basically made up of English that was too easy, maths that was too hard and sport that was simply useless. When a kid faces twelve years locked up in an institution they sometimes have a very bleak view of life and of adults. Teachers are the saddest people with the most pathetic social lives or IQ - and these are the adults that we most frequently associate with.

Right now I'm slightly pissed off, even though I know I shouldn't be - I managed to wriggle my way out of math and science FOREVER. But the source of my annoyance is that I am still forced to endure it for three weeks. Three weeks is too long a time for me, a teenager, to endure tolerably, but it is not long enough to learn anything particularly useful. So, I wonder, why bother? Why not let me live my utopia now? Why must I wait through something hard and boring for something I want? That is the topic, dear reader, of this rant.

So next time you say 'Finish this off and I'll give you some harder/easier/funner work.' Have mercy. The only thing worse than hard work is boring work, because boring work is an utter waste of time. If I dropped dead right now all I could boast of is half a life wasted on math sums.

Songs that Make Me Happy

1. Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars
2. Nothin' On You - B.o.B ft. Bruno Mars
3. Firework - Katy Perry
4. Peacock - Katy Perry
5. Big Girls (You Are Beautiful) - MIKA
6. So Yesterday - Hilary Duff
7. Picture to Burn - Taylor Swift
8. Mean - Taylor Swift
10. Mine - Taylor Swift
11. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
12. Only Girl (In The World) - Rihanna
13. Speak Now - Taylor Swift
14. Bitch - Meredith Brookes
15. Honey to the B - Billie (Piper)
16. Irreplaceable - Beyonce
17. Halo - Beyonce
18. Single Ladies - Beyonce
19. One Less Lonely Girl - Justin Bieber
18. One Time - Justin Bieber
20. iYiYi - Cody Simpson
21. The Only Exception - Paramore
22. Enchanted - Taylor Swift
23. Change - Taylor Swift
24. Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson
25. My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson
26. I Do Not Hook Up - Kelly Clarkson
27. Love Story - Taylor Swift

Thursday, November 18, 2010

they say it's a male thing.

I just thought about something today. Call me sexist, but I'm just going by personal experience. The idiot happened to be male.

I've always been insecure about how I look - they say it's a female thing. I notice when my fringe is the slightest bit greasy, I notice my spots and my not-so-perfect figure. I know I'm not the next Miranda Kerr.

This is kind of embarassing for me to admit, but I've always thought of myself as second class to some of the cute boys in the school. I've always put my plainness into perspective, sometimes over compensating for the fact that I've got spots or my eyebrows aren't perfectly plucked or it looks like I went swimming in a pepper mill if I forget to shave my legs.

My ex boyfriend, it occurred to me, was never plagued by these insecurities.

You may think from my endless heartbreak over dear old K that K must have been a real stunner - a Keanu Reeves/Brad Pitt hybrid, no less.

Not so.

K was tall, and too skinny - his arms were Auschwitz thin, and instead of a six pack he had all his ribs poking out, like a mummy. He was pasty, and not in an Edward Cullen way. He had heaps of spots - more than me. His hair was the unglamourous colour of sandy blond, cut in an unflatteringly short spikey do as to not irritate him during sport. When he did play sport he flushed, no joke, tomato red, making his eyebrows seem almost white. His legs looked like he had stuck instant noodles to them, and he ate like a half-starved pig.

Yes, this is the man that I've wasted about two years over. Needless to say, I have issues.

Okay, I know you think I'm being petty. Love isn't about looks. Okay, think about this. He was the most shameless flirt I've ever met, and I know myself, for crying out loud. He would say horrible things and then say that I was too sensitive for taking him seriously. And now, after all the pain he has caused a hell of a lot of people, he's wiped his hands clean. When he sees me he is completely devoid of apology or sympathy - in fact, his eyes are accusing, as if to say 'What did you do that for?'

But it never bothered him, how gangly and seemingly unattractive he was. It never bothered him how horrible he was - he never bothered to change because he somehow figured there would always be an idiot like me, a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore him, that he could play with. He was never bound by insecurities that seem to plague we the female sex - and this is keeping in mind that he could not abuse concealer like I have done during desperate acne rages. And he managed to get two girls to swoon over him as boys have never swooned over me, although I'm clear headed enough to see now that as plain as I may be I am leaps and bounds more attractive - physically and internally - than K was, is or ever will be. And yet girls love him and boys don't love me.

Why do I not set my sights a bit higher? Why is it when I meet a boy who doesn't seem like a jerk and doesn't have more spots than a ladybug I immediately conclude that I'm not good enough and he's never ever going to be interested? I should have more faith in myself, I know. But a lifetime of being threatened and coaxed and blackmailed into insecurity has had this effect on me. I hope you're happy now, those teachers who said it was 'for my own good' when they mercilessly hacked away at what self confidence I had when I was eight, because now I waste my time chasing heartbreakers who aren't even pretty. Or nice.

Insecurity is something that I think was pretty much forced upon me. I was a dapper little kid, and eight years in primary school completely wrecked that. Af the age of fourteen I have the self-esteem of a shoelace, and I hate myself for it. And I hate K for taking advantage of it.

Rate My Teachers

I love how teachers diss ratemyteachers.com

I love how it's banned at school because teachers are so terrified of it.

When you get picked on, don't change. Just block it, so that students will hopefully never lay eyes on it.

How Communist China.

teacher syndrome.

All teachers have a syndrome.

ART TEACHER SYNDROME - the belief that their (not very important) subjects trumphs everything and should be a matter of supreme importance to their students. Not the best idea when those students have physics tests to study for.

Those most commonly afflicted: art teachers, music teachers, sport teachers, LOTE teachers.

- the belief that all their students are geniuses and are simply lazy and 'not working towards their proper potential'

Those most commonly afflicted: music teachers, math teachers, science teachers, sport teachers, LOTE teachers

SCIENCE TEACHER SYNDROME - the belief that their study is of any relevance to modern-day society (it's not).

Those most commonly afflicted: math teachers, science teachers, LOTE teachers

SPORT TEACHER SYNDROME - the belief that any person who cannot run at an acceptably (ridiculously) fast speed has not yet earned the right to live or be treated as a free person.

Those most commonly afflicted: sport teachers, math teachers, science teachers, LOTE teachers

HEALTH TEACHER SYNDROME - the belief that awkward adolescents actually like researching gonorrhea and putting condoms onto dildos.

Those most commonly afflicted: Health teachers and school nurses

SUPERIORITY COMPLEX - the belief that just because one is older/fatter/uglier/more wrinkled than their students they know everything and the student knows nothing.

Those most commonly afflicted: Music teachers, math teachers, science teachers.

CRITICISM-INTOLERANCE - the inability to accept criticism in a socially acceptable (or legal) manner.

Those most commonly afflicted: Music teachers.

THE "I'LL PRETEND TO BE COOL" SYNDROME - pretending to be young/hip/cool/trendy/computer literate in order to impress and/or fit in with their pupils

Those most commonly afflicted: choir directors, relief teachers, LOTE teachers

THE "I'LL JUST HAVE A SARCASTIC DISCUSSION WITH MY FELLOW TEACHER TO MAKE THE STUDENTS FEEL BAD" SYNDROME - when one teacher has a sarcastic 'that's okay, just do what you want,' or 'you're wasting your own time' or a 'I don't know if they realize hiw immature they are' conversation with another teacher in full view of the students in the vain hope it'll make us shut up and do some work. It doesn't work.

Those most commonly afflicted: choir directors and year co-ordinators.

THE "IF YOU DON'T WANT TO WORK JUST LEAVE!" COMPLEX - when teachers offer misbehaving students the option of walking out, or saying 'If you don't want to do your work don't come' when teaching a compulsory class. Trust me, we'd all like to take up on that offer.

Those most commonly afflicted: choir directors, math teachers, science teachers.

THE "GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT. AND THEN STILL KIND OF GUILTY." COMPLEX - when one confuses the profession of teaching with the role of a dictator.

Those most commonly afflicted: choir directors, LOTE teachers, math teachers, science teachers.

SMART ARSE INTOLERANCE - when a student displays that their IQ clearly trumphs that of the teacher, they go bonkers.

Those most commonly afflicted: incompetent teachers, LOTE teachers, math teachers, science teachers, music teachers

ENGLISH TEACHER SYNDROME - when a teacher is being purely amazingly awesome.

Those most commonly afflicted: English teachers and history teachers.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I love that word. Enchanted.

All I see are blank faces now,
Eyes that cannot see.
People who do not really live,
They just...be.

It would be so enchanting to meet you.
It would be so inspiring to know you.
If only I could see a spark in someone's eye,
And know that they can fly,
I'd like to be enchanted,
Don't you?

All I see are mismatched souls now,
Eyes filmed with misery.
People who live waiting to die,
I thank God I'm blind to what they see.

It would be so enchanting to meet you.
It would be so inspiring to know you.
If only I could feel a beating heart,
And know that you and I could be a shooting star,
I'd like to be enchanted,
Don't you?

Let's tear away from the world, honey
It would be so enchanting to meet you.
Let's get away from the dead and grey,
It would be so enchanting to meet you.

I wanna be under your spell,
I want to feel warm again;
Once you climb over the mountain of despair,
I'll be there.

And I'd say

It's so enchanting to meet you,
It's so beautiful to meet you,
You and I can make a change,
give the world a resurrection.
But for now,
I'm just,
Enchanted by you.

Inspired by Taylor Swift's song 'Enchanted'

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I Hate Fridays.

One book I recommend everybody (and I mean everybody) reads is the I Hate Fridays Collection, which is all five books of this brilliant series set in a Melbourne suburb in an omnibus edition.

I Hate Fridays is written by Rachel Flynn, with illustrations by Craig Smith. It's a brilliant book, and it's only now that I'm older that I appreciate how cleverly it is written. It follows a group of schoolkids from Grade Four to Year Eight, with an Epilogue of 'Where Are They Now?'.

It's the kind of book that really grows with you - I loved it when I first got it, at the age of seven, and I love it now, although it has changed incredibly as I have gotten older and wiser. It's the kind of thing even adults can read.

The books are a collection of short stories, supposedly written by the (fictional) schoolkids, that interconnect with each other. You watch how the characters grow, you watch as they start to resemble your own schoolyard chums, and you learn to love them, even warty Mario Marati.

Seriously. Get it.

And they say they're there for the greater good.

In politics Mr. C was telling us about our rights if we are ever stopped or arrested by the police. He then went on to tell us that oftentimes the police don't actually care or know about your rights, and this has led to him being taken by police several times as a youth.

He tried to put it as delicately as possible. The majority of the police force is made up of high school dropouts or people who couldn't get into uni - the same stuff of criminals, although the police force offers a more legal form of violence. And it is true - the police seem to be the people outside the law, and are running errant at that.

And you hear dreadful stories - police setting their dogs on illegal immigrants whilst yelling racial slurs, dumping quadraplegics and the mentally retarded out of their wheelchairs, shooting a woman in her home on a fraudulent no-knock warrant, and then planting drugs in the house when they found none of her own. You hear stories of youths being kicked and punched into police cars, and girls being beaten and raped in holding cells.

Policemen are intimidating people. Whenever I see them out and about I shudder, especially if they're carrying Tasers. I don't mind guns so much, it's the Tasers I'm scared of - really, they should be made illegal.

Men are unreliable creatures, and should not be given such power over the lives of other men. You give a man a shiny gun and a horse and yes, there will be blood! We train policemen only caring about whether they know how to fire a gun or not, we don't bother with establishing whether they have a conscience or no.

I just don't feel comfortable with the fact that after three months training people, who are as likely to be thugs as policemen, are given a nice uniform and a gun and let loose into the streets. Policemen are often complaining of poor work conditions and bad pay, and although I know some of them are genuinely there for the greater good, the majority of them need to clean up their act.

Dreams can change.

To be honest, I don't have the same dreams that I had just a few months back.

I want a big house, a comfortable house, a place with lush green grass and a big, big greenhouse with lots of vegetables. I want to live away from the world, in my little sanctuary. I want luxury, but a homey, kind of luxury, the quiet luxury of simplicity. I want a study that has a nice view from the window, with a fast computer so I can write all day. I'll publish books and when I go into town people will recognise me and ask for autographs, but I don't think I want to be too famous so that I get stalkers or anything. I want to go ice skating every day, although I'm not sure where.

It's amazing how what you once lived and breathed for can suddenly become so unappealing. I still want the same things but I guess my priorities have changed, and how I want them has changed.

How strange.

Monday, November 15, 2010

re: my poems.

Readers of mine may have noticed that lately I have been writing lots of poems based on songs.

I would just like to say that just because I write poems based on deep emotional love songs it doesn't mean I'm in a deep or emotional or loved up mood or anything, or that I'm not over my ex (I am. Seriously.) It's just that sometimes I hear a song and I think 'That would make such a cool poem,' or 'I totally know where she's coming from,' or 'OMG she's singing about my douchebag ex/the bully of the tenth grade!'

Stuff like that.

If This Was a Movie.

Last night I thought about how lately,
My life has been kind of going to plan lately,
I'm studying hard and I'm getting good grades like my mama said I would.
Last night I thought about how lately,
I've been kind of happier lately,
I'm laying off the makeup and I feel prettier like my mama said I could.

But you know I,
Can't help wondering if
This was a movie how would we turn out?

If this was a movie,
I wouldn't be alone,
I'd have a boy to drive me home.
If this was a movie,
You'd come back to me.
And maybe you'd even be riding a lawnmower.
If this was a movie,
You would have made me cry,
But you would have stood in the rain and told me why
You would be sorry,
If this was a movie.

Last night I thought about how lately,
Boys haven't meant as much to me lately,
I've backed off a bit and I'm having fun like my mama said I should.
Last night I thought about how lately,
I'm managing pretty good lately,
It's kind of nice without depending on love like my mama said I shouldn't.

But you know I,
Can't help wondering if
This was a movie how would we turn out?

If this was a movie,
I wouldn't be alone,
I'd have a boy to drive me home.
If this was a movie,
You would come back to me.
You would have chosen me instead of her.
If this was a movie,
You would have known you messed up,
If this was a movie,
You wouldn't have walked away.
If this was a movie.

I should have known
The higher you aim
The harder you fall
It doesn't bother me too much now,
But I can't help wondering if
This was a movie how would we turn out?

If this was a movie,
You would be a cute-smile movie star,
If this was a movie,
I wouldn't have acne scars.
If this was a movie,
We could have had our first kiss onscreen.
If this was a movie,
I'd know how it would end,
Walking on the beach at sunset,
Or round a river bend,
It would fade to black,
And show the names,
And it would be so lame,
But if this was a movie,
It would have turned out okay.

Inspired by 'If This Was a Movie' by Taylor Swift


I know what you say about me.
I know exactly what you mean.
You know I'm not as dumb as you think coz
If I was I wouldn't have beaten you in everything.

You know exactly how you hurt me.
You know that you make me cry.
I know you love how much you can hurt me coz
That's who you are and all you'll ever be.

So you can tease me,
Call me a useless dreamer,
Because I know,
People don't get any meaner.
You're trapped in your own bitterness,
You can't look past your ignorance,
You're trapped in ways that I'm not.
So baby, I don't blame ya,
Because I can dare to dream,
And all you are is mean.

I don't know what I did to deserve this,
I don't know exactly who deserves this humiliation.
You know you're loving how you hate me coz
You don't know any other way.

You don't know how bad it feels to be on this end,
You don't know how hard you hit sometimes.
I don't know if there's any way to protect you
From the person you are,
And the person you'll become.

So you can blame me and
Call me a useless dreamer,
Because I know,
People don't get any meaner.
You think that I'm so innocent,
You think that I'm so helpless,
I'm trapped in ways that you're not.
So baby, I don't blame ya,
Because I'm the useless dreamer,
And all you are is mean.

Do you really think in this world,
A pretty face like yours should really be paired with a black heart like yours?
Do you really think in this world,
I'll never be anything?
I'll never be anything?

You know you can't get to big cities just by bitchin'
You know you can't get money just by lyin'
You know that college and careers don't fall into your lap like cherries.
I guess to get all that you have to be a useless dreamer...
Like me...

So who's laughing now?
It's the useless dreamer.
You should stop now,
Please don't get any meaner.
You're so helpless,
You're gonna be so unwanted,
You're trapped in so many ways that I'm not,
So baby I don't blame ya,
Call me a uselss dreamer,
Because I won't be one for much longer,
But all you'll ever be,
All you ever are is mean.

Inspired by Taylor Swift's song 'Mean'.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I can marry, you can marry. They should be able to marry, too.

Gay people cannot get married. It's simple as that. Our dear Prime Minister cannot even offer a reason, other than it is in the Consititution.

I've grown up in a very homophobic world. 'Gay' is still a degrading term for anyone, regardless of their sexuality.

Sexuality is a private matter, and I don't think politics should interfere with matters of behind closed doors. Anyone can get married - religious psychofreaks, convicted mass murderers - and yet gay people do not have the most basic right because we're backward morons who are terrified of the unknown.

We have this idea in our heads that once we legalize gay marriage, we'll be on the slippery slope to legalizing incest, bigamy and adultery. Not true. There is nothing wrong about homosexuality, okay? Sure, the idea might creep us out, but we're not forcing anybody to do anything they don't want to do, we just want to make sure people can do whatever they want to do.

I don't think I'm gay, I don't think I'm going to 'become' gay, because to my knowledge gay is something you're born with. But if I was gay, I shouldn't be made to feel inferior or sinful just for what I am. I don't want to know that I'm going to get bullied and bashed just because of something that is really a private matter anyway. What if my children are gay? How am I meant to tell them that mummy is allowed to get married but they aren't?

Gay people are people too. I don't think they deserve special rights, but I don't think they deserve to be denied their rights. Equal rights for all.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

school bullying.

Australian schools do not allow same sex couples to attend school social events together.

Australian schools will, ahem, 'strongly advise' (kick out) any female students who fall pregnant, but will do nothing about the father.

Australian schools have the right to ask students to remove any ornamentation, even jewellery for religious purposes, like crucifixes.

Australian schools have the right to censor school internet access as they choose, use video monitoring, and have direct access to internet history logs and student accounts.

Australian schools have the right to punish students for conduct out of school time or grounds.

Australian schools have CCTV cameras in toilets.

Australian schools allow male staff and cleaners into female toilets.

Australian schools have the right to tell students to discard bought items or swap them if they contain caffeine, with no warning or monetary compensation.

Australian school teachers habitually and frequently abuse girls over issues such as clothing, image, and periods.

Australian schools abuse children who cannot remain composed during immunizations.

True story.

Campaign for better protection and rights and legal representation for children. We are human beings too, you know.


So there's this new song released by Katy Perry called 'Peacock'. Sounds innocent enough, hey, but think again. The lyrics go like this: I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock/Your peacock, cock/Your peacock, cock, cock/Your peacock/I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock/Your peacock, cock/Your peacock, cock, cock/Your peacock.

Got the message yet? We wanna see your, ahem, peacock.

Before you say this is vulgar, it's just fun. Seriously. And if guys can sing songs like this => Tight jeans/double d's/makes a man go twit-twoo then girls can sing about peacocks. Why are guys allowed to f**k around and we're not?

I'm not saying that all girls think about it 24/7 (or as much as some guys I know), but we have the right to do and think and say what we want. It's called freedom. Liberty. Every woman's right. We are human, you know. Girls don't just dream of love and boys don't just dream of sex. It should be okay to mix it up a bit.

Sex is such a taboo for girls. We're not meant to like it or think about it or be curious about it or even sing about it, for crying out loud. If the song was called 'Puppies' and sung by a guy nobody would give a second thought. But no, girls aren't even allowed to use a substitute for the abominable p-word.

The Ying and Yang

The ying and yang is incomplete.
Maybe they can see past your yelling and screaming,
But I can't.
Or maybe I can,
But there is nothing to see.

The ying and yang is incomplete.
Why must you follow 'that's good,' with 'but'?
Always others worthier to be your daughter,
I can't do anything right.

The ying and yang is incomplete.
All I wanted was some respect.
You invest too much in the security of blood,
You don't see the value of love.

The ying and yang is incomplete.
I tried so hard not to do this to you,
This, that I have done to others,
I tried not to,
Because I love you.
When was the last time you said that, huh?

The ying and yang is incomplete.
I've said it.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Treat boat people like real people.

It is disgusting that Australia treats boat people worse than we treat murderers.

Australia is scared of boat people - they're scared of uneducated, desperate, poor people who just want a better life. We are pathetic.

Treat boat people like real people. We gave that man who drowned his bride 18 months for manslaughter. We give some boat people nearly a decade behind bars just for wanting a life.

My Garden

Growing up, we didn't really have a very productive garden. My mum and dad work full time, and of course, we go to school, and we're lazy buggers.

Occasionally when I was little I'd bury a fruit or a fruit seed or stone, but nothing ever happened, because I normally forgot about it, and I didn't do any research into how certain things should be planted.

Our soil in my old house was also quite dreadful - mostly yellow or grey sand that didn't hold water properly.

The only thing that grew that was edible was the guava on the nature strip, the mint that I loved and my dad hated because it ran EVERYWHERE, and the mandarin tree produced masses of fruit every year. But I wasn't particularly in love with guava, and you get sick of mandarin after you've eaten about twenty. At one point we grew kang kong, but at another point we also gave up.

Now we're in a new house with slightly better soil, so we finally have a veggie garden. We planted snow peas (a favourite) and beans (another favourite), lettuce, parsley, basil, strawberries, coriander, passionfruit and cherry tomatoes.

The snow peas was the most successful - at its peak we harvested a big bowl ful every couple of days. The lettuce led to many korean bbq nights, but eventually became old and bitter because we didn't harvest whole heads of lettuce, only leaves. We've got waaaay too much coriander, and parsley that we rarely use.

The strawberries grow alright, but they're always getting eaten. The fruit at first was at first tasteless, then sour, then tasteless again. Any fruit I can salvage now that is ripe and not eaten or pecked is tiny bit intensely sweet.

We planted the basil and the cherry tomatoes in the same place - in a garden bed we forgot to mix with compost and blood and bone. The basil was miserable - half of them died, and half of them turned an interesting shade of yellow. A careful transferral to potting mix and they're now flourishing wonderfully.

Despite hearing stories of hard-to-grow tomatoes, our cherry tomatoes flourished in the same soil where the basil slowly died. We now get dozens of tiny tiny tomatoes that are so much nicer than the watery, powdery things you get at the supermarket. The passionfruit flowered - I don't know what happened to it, lol.

I love having a productive garden - I'm always the one in the garden admiring as the yellow cherry tomato flowers grow into tiny deep green fruit the size of peas - as these peas become yellow and then orange and then red - I'm always the one admiring the provocative flower of the passionfruit or how the tiny tendrils of the snow peas stretch and and grasp onto each other or the fence, coiling in on itself like a telephone wire. One day when I'm rich I'll build a massive greenhouse and I'll plant a forest in there, and work in there every day. We will never have to go to the supermarket because I'll grow everything. And as I'm digging after coming back from a book launch or movie premiere I'll be thinking about this day, this day when I was fourteen and blogged from school when she was supposed to be doing math, when I was a kid dreaming, forever dreaming.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Girls Aren't Meant To Like Sex.

So one of my friends, who has been reading my rough draft of a book I am working on, leant me a book in a similar style to my own writing and with the same sort of target audience - 'Before I Die', by Jenny Downham. Basically, it's about a sixteen-year-old girl dying of leukemia, and decides to 'live life' namely dabble in drugs, alcohol and crime, but number-one on the list is, of course, sex.

The blurb at the back proudly says it all:

'It's really going to happen. They said it would happen, but this was quicker than anyone thought.'

Everyone has to die. We all know it.

With only a few months of life left, sixteen-year-old Tessa knows it better than most. She's made a list though - ten things she wants to do before she dies. Number one is sex. Starting tonight.

As I was reading the book at lunchtime a boy, being the charming polite gentleman as boys always are at this age, yanked it out of my hand and started to read the blurb out loud, quite loudly too, before he reached the ultimate taboo word: sex. He then looked at me as if to say 'What kind of slut are you, anyway?'

It's always the boys who are supposed to be interested in sex. Girls aren't supposed to be interested in sex, because interest in sex invariably leads you to getting pregnant.

But sex is an inevitable part of growing up, and yes, for girls too. Of course we're interested in sex, of course we think about sex. Sex is a part of life, much like eating or sleeping or breathing or having to go to the loo. If I were sixteen and about to die then yes, sex would be on my bucket list. I'm a girl, not the Virgin Mary - and in case you didn't notice, abstinence didn't really protect her from pregnancy anyway.

I've always found it degrading that an interest, or even a thought given to sex is a complete taboo for girls, and not for boys - in fact, the terms 'virgin' and 'male' just don't seem to correlate unless you're a Jonas Brother. An interest and curiousity in sex is part of being human, not part of being a slut. And really, we should have more sympathy for fictional terminally-ill teenagers. And the not-so-fictional, healthy ones, too.