"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


I'm out of hospital.

I've got a slit down my stomach, and puncture wound in my arm and a new pacemaker. I'm bloated from taking way too many painkillers and I got maybe three hours of sleep last night.

But it's okay, you know. It could be worse. If I was born maybe 20 years from now I would just be a gravestone in a graveyard - and you all know that is my worst fear.

When you're lying in bed with a mindblowing headache and sincerely wishing that this pain had a switch you could just turn off, you sincerely feel for those who have been through this pain, are going through this pain, are going to go through this pain, and for those who have had worse pain than this. And yes, you do start hating those blonde bitches and dumb year co-ordinators and bad exes even more - I have to go through this and that and they walk away blonde and beautiful and vilely evil. You see, this is why I don't believe in karma. It's weird how I think about all this petty shit when I feel like shit, isn't it? But it's true. This is why I don't believe in God.

What I do believe in is that I, and all the other kids in PMH and around the world who are sick, can overcome this, without karma, without God, without boyfriends and money and good looks. Sure, all of the above would be nice, but life isn't nice, not all the time, anyway. Just look at the slit down my stomach, the bald heads on cancer patients and the gravestones of those who didn't make it for proof of that.

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