"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Friday, December 17, 2010

I guess there's nothing to do but keep smiling.

I guess there's nothing to do but keep smiling.

If words could describe how genuinely terrified I am of Tuesday then English would have far exceeded my wildest expectations.

I'm not scared of death, not really. I'm actually profoundly curious as to what happens after we leave this world. Although, I'm scared that I won't get what I want before I die, whenever that may be. Top of the list is love, which is honestly why I've been driven to do some pretty crazy things in my attempts to get it. If you were in my shoes, desperate for time, desperate for everything, then you'd understand.

No, it's pain that I'm scared of the most. Death at least is over, sooner or later. But pain can be eternal.

So I've been listening to lots of Bon Jovi, lots of Taylor Swift. What else can I do? I can't refuse. My body is not really mine to make decisions over, is it? There wasn't even a line for me to sign on the surgical permission papers.

It's kind of silly when they tell me to be brave. What do they know? Nothing. They don't know what I or a million people have to go through. Perhaps if they knew they wouldn't treat me and the others so badly. Maybe they wouldn't lie and cheat and break hearts, because really, my heart is broken anyway. It never worked, so why tread over it anyway? Just like it's bad enough to hurt a child, but to hurt a deformed child is low. I like to think that if I could somehow force them to experience what I have been forced to go through they'd shut up and show me some motherfucking respect. If I dropped dead in the middle of the school then a lot of people would feel truly guilty, or so I'd like to believe.

Truly, I envy the people who only go to hospital for babies or broken legs, I really do. I don't comprehend people who voluntarily go under the knife. If they knew the indescribable horror, terror, pain of some of the more serious surgeries (that, thankfully, I endured too long ago for me to recall) they'd think twice over wanting a new nose.

It wouldn't be enough to say I don't like surgery, or hospital. Hate is not even a strong enough word. It's humiliating, it's degrading, it's revolting and primitive. I don't trust them, or the place. I feel more like a specimen that they just poke and prod and talk about as if I'm not in the room. I don't feel like a human being anymore.


I guess there's nothing to do but keep smiling.

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