That's just that.

I've often being asked about my views on religion. To tell you the truth, it's much more complicated then it seems.

I was raised not to believe in God. That was just that. Growing up, I believed in God in the same way I believed in fairytales - God was a fairytale. Real people, I was taught, couldn't just pray to imaginary friends to get by. Real people had to work, and so would I. I get the feeling that God is not something you believe in unless evidence of His work is actively pointed out to you until the point where you see it by yourself. I don't know whether I'm ignorant or they're delusional, but I've never seen it. I grew up in a very pragmatic world, a very skeptical, down to earth world. That was just that.

My parents identify as non-religious Buddhists, and, up to a point, so did I - in the same way all children identify with their parents in all things they don't understand. As I grew older I realized I didn't have the inner peace needed to be a Buddhist, that deep sense of ingrained tranquility. I grew up to be too impatient, too ambitious and too angry to be a Buddhist. It was from then, at about eleven or twelve years old, I began identifying as an atheist.

A major factor in my religious choices stem from my operations, my health problems, etc. I wasn't content, saying that it was part of God's plan - what kind of God did that? I wasn't content, either, justifying it with karma - what kind of bad karma does a baby attract? Blaming someone or something for everything that has ever happened to me made me angry, almost violent with anger - and that was hardly a good thing. I had to swallow it, and move on. There was no point blaming things and people for events that are irreparable, unerasable, inevitable, especially things and people I couldn't see and therefore could not even face the blame. Shit happens because shit happens. And that was that, from then on.

But I would feel quite vulnerable if I didn't believe there wasn't some kind of fate, some kind of safety net between me and the unthinkable. I believe there is a vague kind of fate - I do kind of believe in kismet. But I also believe that it's not a path we're automatically set on - it's something we have to fight for, every day. It's something I fight for. So, as much as I believe that some things are meant to be, I also think you were meant to work for it. I was not born into a world where cherries just fall into my lap.

They say that science is the opposite of religion - but I don't really sympathize with science, either. There are somethings that science and mathematics can't explain - I do believe in miracles, and miracles are miracles because they are simply unexplainable. Love is a miracle, and I'm waiting for it to happen. No amount of equations are going to detract from the fact that boy plus girl doesn't always work. But don't take out the middleman, as it were. I've long given up trying to bring salvation ;). 

I think religion is primarily a nurture over nature thing - my best friend is on the other side of the spectrum. She was raised a Baptist, and is a creationist. I'm often astounded that I've been able to construct a tangible friendship with a creationist, but I've learned to be more tolerant of what other people think. People are never tolerant about what I think, even if trying to convert me to whatever they think is nonsensical - a boy once tried to convert me to agnoticism. My best friend and I often have a lot of religious debates, but I like to think that friendship is above religion, in its many forms. We've agreed to disagree, but I don't feel like either of us has lost, per se. In fact, I think religion has made our friendship stronger - we've remain two distinctly separate people, and we haven't given in to each other. That is important in any relationship, but only dissimilar people like us recognise it. If we were more similar we would give each other more leeway, become too heavily influenced by each other - and lose who we essentially are in something as fragile as friendship. They say opposites attract, and I say that happens for a reason. That's just that.

I still think I'm a spiritual person, despite my atheism. I still pray - I think it's a natural human response, to hope that someone, someone who just exudes security, like Gandalf or Dumbledore, or just your classic Prince Charming, to swing in and save day. But I've learned to live without someone or something watching over me. With vulnerability comes freedom. That's just that.