enigmatic

Now Playing: How to be a Heartbreaker by Marina and the Diamonds (it's better to be fake, can't risk losing in love again)

It has occurred to me of late that I am something of an enigmatic character; and, in a place like university where dearest friends are actually mere acquaintences, and lovers are people you barely know but know too much about, this is something of a burden to myself and my colleagues. I know I must seem utterly unpredictable, but I'm never really pretending or putting on an act; I am really all of these things. I know I am innocent and naive and gullible. I know that I am mature and capable and intelligent. I know that I am small and cute and bubbly. I know I am not beautiful, but I can be sexy if I want to be. I know I use all of this to my advantage when the time is right, but I am all of these things. I really was scared. I really was happy. I really was being bold and defiant. I really was angry. Doubt anything, but do not doubt my sincerity.

There is, of course, a degree of calculation in it. But it's not acting; acting implies deceit. I am simply adaptable, and conscious of adaptability. Is that really such a bad thing?

I think it is a result of my botched education that I am like this; horrifically maladjusted, far too mature and yet far too ignorant. I have been taught by the best teachers in the country at the best school in the state, but something has been very remiss. I learnt to talk but not to touch; I learnt how to make dangerous threats but not quite how to carry through with them. I can hold my own in a clash of wills against dominant men twice my size and double my charisma, but winning against them doesn't quite feel like happiness, yet. I have learnt how to be endearing but not quite how to be respected.

And people make mistakes, based on what they see. They see a child, sometimes, and then realise that that child has just outsmarted them. They see someone who gives as good as she gets, but ends up getting more than she bargained for. They see someone with great bravado and mistake it for courage. It is not my fault people judge me on face value. There is nobody on this earth who lacks complexity; there is nobody on this earth who escapes the wrath of split second judgements.

I have become, for want of a better word, a politician. Politics is in my blood; I've always been quite charming, at least to people who don't know me too well and are not troubled with the burden of loving troubled souls and damaged goods. Even small scale politics such as university guild politics can change a person. The people I associate with are all blisteringly intelligent, ruthlessly calculative and it is a blessing that I am on their team and not on their target. I may be young and inexperienced, but I learn quickly and I learn from the best teachers; and not all that I learn is strictly to do with politics. Love and loyalty is very important in popularity rat races. Nothing is a disadvantage; you only have to learn to use everything to your advantage.

I suppose I am quite enigmatic. Perhaps I am not the steady, level headed, rock of stability people want; but there are other people to fill those roles. I am the little girl who can dodge and divearound people three times her size to sweet talk voters. I am someone who is easy meat to pick on but perfectly capable of stirring up a ruckus to get an appropriate response out of the appropriate people. I am someone who gets stage fright but even in the grips of terror can still flip a witty remark. I am someone who can flirt her way to almost anything, even unchartered territory. I quite like that. More resilient characters snap in the wind and buckle under pressure. It's only the small and the accomodating who can ride out storms.