"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Saturday, March 07, 2015

Now Playing: Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey (you were sort of punk rock, I grew up on hip hop, you fit me better than my favourite sweater)

I've spent my whole life being valued for being smart and funny, and I'm so tired.

I know, I know. I know there are worse things to be known for. There's nothing wrong with being smart and funny. And I do...I do like being that smart, funny kid who makes people laugh.

But it's gotten to the point now...when people leave when I am tired and have run out of jokes. There are people who, when I catch up with them, I feel like I've walked on stage at some bizarre one-man open mic club, and soon the next act will be on and people will vaguely remember my face and associate it with some hilarity. People  forget that I do other things with my time aside from amusing them. People forget to ask if I'm doing okay.

People give me a lot of shit for my late night escapades, but I like them. I like meeting people in places where the music drowns out any kind of coherent conversation. I like sharing that visceral, physical attraction, because even though it is ephemeral, I've found friendship based on more academic pursuits is equally transient. The length of a relationship doesn't really measure its success, you know? And I am, believe it or not, still friends with some of them. We have nothing in common and we are both just one of many to each other, but there's a level of respect and affection in lying in bed, silently, thinking of nothing, not having to say anything, but having an arm slung around you in the silent promise that you will both avoid being arseholes to each other. I'm starting to think unconditional love is something of a myth, but unconditional affection is something rare that I treasure greatly.

Men are beginning to understand, now, that it's not okay to just love women based on what they look like. I wish they would understand that the 'I just want to be with the one who makes me smile' is equally bullshit, too. I can't laugh my way through everything. Sometimes...sometimes I need to cry, and I'd like a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes I just need to sit in silence because I am unspeakably exhausted; is it too much to ask for an arm around my shoulder and someone to say 'hey, it's okay, I'm pretty tired too,'?

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