Now Playing: Terrible Love by Birdy (I won't follow you into the rabbit hole, I said I would but then I saw your shriveled bones, they didn't want me to)
Although my depression wasn't really public knowledge, it was universally accepted that I was incredibly insecure. I remember in year eight we had to do presentations on ourselves and I was so self-deprecating and pessimistic one of the questions afterwards was quite literally 'why do you hate yourself so much?'
I have struggled with insecurities for a very long time. A lot of it is that I found it really hard to maintain strong, reliable, healthy relationships; friends that I loved and trusted beyond belief simply walked away, stabbed me in the back, joined in with the various hate campaigns, refused to stand up for me. A lot of people comment that I'm always in fight or flight mode in relationships; it's true that I find it hard to rely on people like I used to, and sometimes paranoia can set in and fuck things up occasionally.
My insecurities about what I look like are quite complicated; I felt like they were encouraged, or at the very least expected - people expected that someone like me wouldn't exactly feel a million bucks. But it's only now that I've graduated and talked to people from high school away from the petty playground politics I've realised that people have used my looks as a scapegoat; they hated my ideas, my opinions, my blog, my academic success, and decided to retaliate by making me feel like the ugliest gargoyle in the planet. My reputation amongst boys was 'radical feminist', and therefore I was entirely unworthy of attention; the impact that had on how I felt about myself can't be overstated.
I still have my fair share of insecurities. They pop up when I am at my most vulnerable and have come very close to ruining the relationships that are the most precious to me. But, these days, I'm much more confident, especially about my appearance. My friends ask me how I do it; the haters are still hating. Here are my sex-positive tips on how to remember that you're awesome sauce, no matter what they say.
1. Remember that everyone is insecure.
I used to irrationally hate pretty people; because a lot of my bullies were the pretty girls, because I was attracted to most of them and refusing to admit it, and because I thought they were immune to the insecurities and self hate that crippled me. Since going to uni and making new friends and working in the Bare Truth Campaign I realised the extent to which the disease of ugly has infected our society; nobody likes anything about themselves anymore, and it's tragic that we have all condemned ourselves to a life of ugliness. I used to think that I was insecure because I was ugly; but the truth is, we're all insecure because we're human, and even the most beautiful, perfect people have their fair share of insecurities.
2. Figure out what they're really hating on.
I really couldn't give two shits if someone has a problem with my feminism. I don't want anything to do with them; they are not worthy of my attention. I always laugh when people say that I'm making myself unpopular because I'm 'so feminist'; I'm trying to weed out those people who can't get it up because I'm 'so feminist'. I know now that most of my bullies hated that I refused to be silent, refused to compromise and bow down, that I refused to conform and refused to give way. But they always made it about how I looked, and hit me at my weakest points. They didn't care about what I looked like; actually, a lot of them had tried to hit on me but had gotten offended when I was offended by all the offensive misogynistic bullshit they spouted in an attempt to impress me. Because so much of a woman's worth in our society is based on physical appearance it's often an easy target; but nobody is really that offended by what anyone looks like.
3. Find your crowd.
I didn't really find my crowd at primary school, or even in high school. Now I'm at uni and I've really found my crowd; the one person from primary school that I've kept in contact with, a handful of people from high school, and many new friends. I definitely felt a lot of pressure to magically find self confidence all by myself, to feel amazing even when everyone was trying to drag me down; but everyone deserves to have people in their life to remind them that they're beautiful.
4. Get naked.
I can't count how many people I've freaked out with this advice because nudity is so taboo and sexualised in our society but yes, I've spent a lot of time naked (I mean, not now, it's freezing, but the risk of pneumonia is kind of low in Perth summers) and I've genuinely become really comfortable with my body this way. I used to hate what looked back at me in the mirror; once I was getting undressed before a shower, caught sight of my reflection and burst into tears. Now I love it. Scars and all.
5. Touch.
So now we're really getting into taboo territory...
I think the reason why people - especially girls - are insecure about their bodies is because their bodies are so alien to them. Get used to how things look and feel and how different places respond to different touches. I have really sensitive, scarred, problematic skin and one of my favourite things to do is to give myself hot oil massages; and in the process you really come to admire all the angles, all the lines and curves, how things feel and respond to touch. The more body aware you are, the more body love you'll have.
6. Empower yourself.
Women are constantly told that so much of their worth is tied to what they look like and, well, that's bullshit. Do something with your life. Go out there and change lives and change the world. Some of the most rewarding work I've done is in my pyjamas with unwashed hair no makeup but dang it, I felt good.
7. Fight back.
Next time someone tries to shame you for being confident, or someone tries to exacerbate your insecurities about your not-supermodel body or it's-nearly-my-period breakout, cut them down. You think you're hot shit, don't you?
Yes. Yes I do. Thank you.
PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW
Sunday, July 07, 2013
Pendulum
A child building a sandcastle by the sea
People do not ask her why she builds a home
That will never have a master
They do not ask her why her house crumbles underfoot
And is swept away by the tide
Leave me be to build my sandcastles
Let me be a child and make pretend
One day I will build a house of stone that will not yield
When a thousand storms break against it
I will build a thousand hearths to keep my love safe and sound
And my love will put a swing in the back yard
And every day watch me swing back and forth and back and forth
Muddy nightgowns slip and slide in the breeze
Flesh, warm and icy, golden and pale in the moonlight
There is a child in me that will never die
And together, my love, we will sway
Passion, my dear, is love and hate
And I am a child of delirious joy and violent rage
I have never learned to like you, my love
I never will.
You and I are not the sort satisfied with synthetic affection
We will always be swinging
Between kisses and blows
Between screams and sighs
All the anger and fuss of lovemaking
In all of our thousand thousand fights
But even when I am old and grey
And the swing has almost stopped swinging
(We will find equilibrium at our deathbed, my love
Only in slumber will quiet give us peace)
You must never forget who I am
I am a child building sandcastles by the sea
Hoping to build a house
For the one who will build me a swing.
People do not ask her why she builds a home
That will never have a master
They do not ask her why her house crumbles underfoot
And is swept away by the tide
Leave me be to build my sandcastles
Let me be a child and make pretend
One day I will build a house of stone that will not yield
When a thousand storms break against it
I will build a thousand hearths to keep my love safe and sound
And my love will put a swing in the back yard
And every day watch me swing back and forth and back and forth
Muddy nightgowns slip and slide in the breeze
Flesh, warm and icy, golden and pale in the moonlight
There is a child in me that will never die
And together, my love, we will sway
Passion, my dear, is love and hate
And I am a child of delirious joy and violent rage
I have never learned to like you, my love
I never will.
You and I are not the sort satisfied with synthetic affection
We will always be swinging
Between kisses and blows
Between screams and sighs
All the anger and fuss of lovemaking
In all of our thousand thousand fights
But even when I am old and grey
And the swing has almost stopped swinging
(We will find equilibrium at our deathbed, my love
Only in slumber will quiet give us peace)
You must never forget who I am
I am a child building sandcastles by the sea
Hoping to build a house
For the one who will build me a swing.
3a.m. musings
Now Playing: People Help the People by Birdy (God knows what is hiding in this world of little consequence, behind the tears, inside the lies)
There are the little things that remind you how entitled society feels to present criticisms and pass judgements of every facet of a woman's life; her hair, her clothes, her feelings, her relationships - it's all a neverending soap opera to amuse the masses. Even if you yourself have no claim to fame, your escapades will be embellished and exaggerated and passed like Chinese whispers to entertain the high and mighty. It is known.
My grandmother was married when she was my age. Perhaps it is a sign of my acquiring some wisdom but I have never felt so young, so vulnerable, so unsure and inept; seventeen is so young, yet conveniently thought of as so old by certain people. A seventeen year old bride knows nothing of men, nothing of love, nothing of family or how to keep a relationship alive; a tiny flicker of flame against the mighty monsoons that conspire to blow it into nonexistence. But that doesn't matter. In my grandmother's day teenage girls have to know how to do what has never been taught, know how to say what has never been spoken of, and do what they have never seen done before. In some ways, things haven't changed. I am in the infant years of many relationships and many of them I know are doomed to fail; nobody doubts my love and intentions but anyone with half a brain should doubt my capacity to value a human being as I ought to, and to demand to be valued as I ought to. It doesn't matter. Every blunder, every toe out of line, every squabble and childish tantrum is noted and remarked upon. By who? Who cares? Yes, I talk, but I talk of a friend and not of our friendship; talk all you like about people, but relationships are sacred. A world created by two friends is a world we will never know, and should never know.
I remember, when I was younger, I fell asleep under the sun with my notebook as a pillow. It was quiet and peaceful and we were supposed to be writing, but the sun has always been irresistibly seductive. Now I find it virtually impossible to sleep around strangers; slumber is such a vulnerable, fragile, beautiful state and they say not everyone should see you without clothes, but I think it's more accurate to say that not everyone should see you with your eyes closed. Back then I mistook liking for trusting; if I liked someone I automatically trusted them, which is a mistake I learned not to repeat the hard way. I think it's very disarming, to be around someone when they suddenly decide to settle down for a little nap - it seems innocent, but we have become so distrustful even this simple gesture of unthinking, innocent trust seems questionable. People just don't do that; people always ask me if something's wrong, if I'm quiet, if I don't actively try to connect with people, if I start nodding off. Giving in to instinct, abandoning what makes us feel safe for a state that we perceive as being alien and vulnerable...people don't do that anymore. I don't, anyhow.
There are the little things that remind you how entitled society feels to present criticisms and pass judgements of every facet of a woman's life; her hair, her clothes, her feelings, her relationships - it's all a neverending soap opera to amuse the masses. Even if you yourself have no claim to fame, your escapades will be embellished and exaggerated and passed like Chinese whispers to entertain the high and mighty. It is known.
My grandmother was married when she was my age. Perhaps it is a sign of my acquiring some wisdom but I have never felt so young, so vulnerable, so unsure and inept; seventeen is so young, yet conveniently thought of as so old by certain people. A seventeen year old bride knows nothing of men, nothing of love, nothing of family or how to keep a relationship alive; a tiny flicker of flame against the mighty monsoons that conspire to blow it into nonexistence. But that doesn't matter. In my grandmother's day teenage girls have to know how to do what has never been taught, know how to say what has never been spoken of, and do what they have never seen done before. In some ways, things haven't changed. I am in the infant years of many relationships and many of them I know are doomed to fail; nobody doubts my love and intentions but anyone with half a brain should doubt my capacity to value a human being as I ought to, and to demand to be valued as I ought to. It doesn't matter. Every blunder, every toe out of line, every squabble and childish tantrum is noted and remarked upon. By who? Who cares? Yes, I talk, but I talk of a friend and not of our friendship; talk all you like about people, but relationships are sacred. A world created by two friends is a world we will never know, and should never know.
I remember, when I was younger, I fell asleep under the sun with my notebook as a pillow. It was quiet and peaceful and we were supposed to be writing, but the sun has always been irresistibly seductive. Now I find it virtually impossible to sleep around strangers; slumber is such a vulnerable, fragile, beautiful state and they say not everyone should see you without clothes, but I think it's more accurate to say that not everyone should see you with your eyes closed. Back then I mistook liking for trusting; if I liked someone I automatically trusted them, which is a mistake I learned not to repeat the hard way. I think it's very disarming, to be around someone when they suddenly decide to settle down for a little nap - it seems innocent, but we have become so distrustful even this simple gesture of unthinking, innocent trust seems questionable. People just don't do that; people always ask me if something's wrong, if I'm quiet, if I don't actively try to connect with people, if I start nodding off. Giving in to instinct, abandoning what makes us feel safe for a state that we perceive as being alien and vulnerable...people don't do that anymore. I don't, anyhow.
Saturday, July 06, 2013
speak now #17: on being PC and being me
Now Playing: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by Birdy (and I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving)
So...I've been a blogger for what is officially known as a long-ass time. Nearly five years.
Five years ago I was a very different person in a thousand different ways. I was in my final year of primary school, which I have spent five years establishing was Not Fun, and I was going through the joys of puberty which was also Not Fun and I was basically a sad, tired, angry little kid.
Not Fun.
Five years ago I was twelve years old and confused about pretty much everything; especially sexuality. I was disgusted by menstruation and the changes my body were going through, I was having crushes on girls and not understanding them, I was being mocked mercilessly every time it became apparent that I wasn't this sexless object that people liked to think I was, and I wasn't very interested in seeking knowledge or being myself; I either tried to blend in and hope they wouldn't notice me, or I would do something outrageously attention-seeking in the futile hope that I would find someone who gave a damn.
My posts from my earliest years are pretty embarassing and cringe worthy - I knew I didn't have a big readership and my blog was my only outlet, so basically anything going through my head ended up as a word-vomit post. Sure, I was a smart kid, but a dozen years on this Earth does not a cultured, wordly person make. And, obviously, my opinions have changed a lot since then.
I just wanted to let you all know that if you decide to go down the rabbit hole of my blog archives, that the earlier posts were written by a very young, naive, vulnerable, ignorant little girl. Many of my opinions have changed and I don't endorse everything my twelve year old alter-ego may have said. If you come across something problematic or offensive related to sexuality or gender in the archives let me know and I'll give you my current thoughts in a speak now post.
I don't regret becoming a blogger so early; my blog is my outlet, and I've used it pretty effectively to fight back against bullying and such, and I've made some awesome friends through my blogging escapades. But I grew up in the technological era, when perhaps I was given too much of the world too soon, and I don't want y'all thinking that the rants of a twelve year old kid are by any means authoritative or indicative of my current values and attitudes. Please don't pull a Laci Green on me and dig up something a million years old that may have been possibly kind of insulting and then whack me over the head repeatedly with it. I've got enough skeletons in my closet and I'm already haunted enough by my past.
Stay tuned and stay beautiful, lovies!
PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW
So...I've been a blogger for what is officially known as a long-ass time. Nearly five years.
Five years ago I was a very different person in a thousand different ways. I was in my final year of primary school, which I have spent five years establishing was Not Fun, and I was going through the joys of puberty which was also Not Fun and I was basically a sad, tired, angry little kid.
Not Fun.
Five years ago I was twelve years old and confused about pretty much everything; especially sexuality. I was disgusted by menstruation and the changes my body were going through, I was having crushes on girls and not understanding them, I was being mocked mercilessly every time it became apparent that I wasn't this sexless object that people liked to think I was, and I wasn't very interested in seeking knowledge or being myself; I either tried to blend in and hope they wouldn't notice me, or I would do something outrageously attention-seeking in the futile hope that I would find someone who gave a damn.
My posts from my earliest years are pretty embarassing and cringe worthy - I knew I didn't have a big readership and my blog was my only outlet, so basically anything going through my head ended up as a word-vomit post. Sure, I was a smart kid, but a dozen years on this Earth does not a cultured, wordly person make. And, obviously, my opinions have changed a lot since then.
I just wanted to let you all know that if you decide to go down the rabbit hole of my blog archives, that the earlier posts were written by a very young, naive, vulnerable, ignorant little girl. Many of my opinions have changed and I don't endorse everything my twelve year old alter-ego may have said. If you come across something problematic or offensive related to sexuality or gender in the archives let me know and I'll give you my current thoughts in a speak now post.
I don't regret becoming a blogger so early; my blog is my outlet, and I've used it pretty effectively to fight back against bullying and such, and I've made some awesome friends through my blogging escapades. But I grew up in the technological era, when perhaps I was given too much of the world too soon, and I don't want y'all thinking that the rants of a twelve year old kid are by any means authoritative or indicative of my current values and attitudes. Please don't pull a Laci Green on me and dig up something a million years old that may have been possibly kind of insulting and then whack me over the head repeatedly with it. I've got enough skeletons in my closet and I'm already haunted enough by my past.
Stay tuned and stay beautiful, lovies!
PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW
Friday, July 05, 2013
speak now #16: sexuality & shame in our society - slut shaming
Now Playing: Shelter by Birdy (I still want to drown whenever you leave, please teach me gently how to breathe, and I'll cross oceans like never before)
A new three-part series (I am something of a fan. Blame my English teacher; he got me started on this whole tricolon, power of threes thing) on sex & shame. I just wanted to talk to you all a little bit about three major elements of shaming sexuality in our society; slut shaming, virgin shaming and fat shaming.
Soooo...what is a slut?
A slut can be defined as:
- a woman who has 'too much' sex
- a woman who is 'overly' interested in sex or is openly sexual
- a woman who likes and actively facilitates sexual intimacy
- a woman who behaves outside of acceptable social attitudes towards female sexuality
From this negative attitude towards women and sex emerges the slut monster - a mythical being of immoral and insatiable sexual lust who is incapable of steady, healthy relationships, manipulates, abuses and destroys men and their 'good' relationships with 'good' women and are unworthy of our respect, the right to be safe in their sexual escapades, or sympathy and support in the event of sexual assault or rape.
Sluts and slut monsters, incidentally, only exist in the fevered imaginations of the darlings of patriarchy. There is no such thing as having 'too much' sex, or being 'too interested' in sex; there's nothing wrong with being openly sexual or actively facilitating sexual intimacy and social attitudes of acceptable expressions of female sexuality can go collectively fuck themselves.
Slut shaming.
Slut shaming is a many-headed monster and here are some examples of slut shaming:
- Making claims that women who dress or act a certain way are 'asking for it' or 'don't respect themselves'
- Forming an opinion of someone solely based on their sexual behaviour and/or how they present themselves
- Physical, emotional and verbal abuse of a 'slut'
- Ostracisation, stigmatisation or open disdain for and negativity towards a 'slut'
- Mocking or showing lack of concern for rape victims because they were 'slutty' or 'asking for it'
- Sympathising with rapists for raping 'sluts'
- Using the word 'slut' as an insult
- Spreading rumours to exaggerate somebody's sexuality or sex life to encourage the idea that someone is a 'slut'
SLUT SHAMING. ALL OF THE ABOVE. DON'T DO IT.
BUT FREEDOM OF SPEECH! I HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN OPINION!
Freedom of speech isn't freedom to abuse. Our opinions and attitudes about sexuality should really only govern our own sexual choices and nobody has the right to abuse someone based on who and how often they fuck. Really...not a hard concept...guys...
What harm 'harmless' slut shaming does:
- Slut shaming encourages negative attitudes and stigma surrounding female sexuality
- Slut shaming perpetuates a myth that women are not sexual beings, and that women who are sexual beings are weird
- Slut shaming can cause deep insecurities, trigger mental health issues, body image issues, self-esteem problems, behavioural problems, social problems and relationship drama in people who could potentially be perceived as 'sluts'
- Slut shaming silences and stigmatises victims of rape and sexual assault
- Slut shaming reinforces harmful and sexist attitudes towards women and female sexuality
- Slut shaming normalises, encourages and facilitates sexual violence towards women
Slut shaming & fear of female sexuality
Slut shaming is one of the many by-products of patriarchy's fear and contempt for female sexuality. This idea that sexual behaviour is inextricably linked to morality, the idea that there is something dirty or shameful about a woman who enjoys sex and has lots of it, is all about reducing women into obedient, sexless creatures and only viewing female sexuality in the context of male pleasure or procreation. The slut monster is created out of this totally false misconception that most women don't have that much sexual desire and that there is something wrong about women who do, or that there is something questionable about a woman's intentions when she actively facilitates sexual activity.
Slut shaming & female bodies as public spaces
Our society is obsessed with making female bodies public spaces - we dress women up, we strip them down, we comment, touch, criticise womens bodies as much as possible; women at large in the traditionally male spheres of public life are considered fair game. The fact that people feel entitled - or even obliged - to constantly comment and criticise on a woman's personal sexual choices is evidence of how little we esteem women in our society, and how little faith we have that each woman is uniquely capable and entitled to make her own choices about her own body and life and relationships.
Slut shaming & victim blaming
With almost every rape case you hear about, you also hear something along the lines of a victim 'asking for it', 'not being careful enough', 'sending the wrong message', or something else that implies that someting a rape victim said or did excuses a rapist, or even places the blame of a sexual assault on the victim instead of the perpetrator. This is known as victim blaming and can lead to unhealthy attitudes towards sexual violence, acceptance and even sympathy for rapists, as well as silence and stigma instead of support and sympathy for rape survivors and sexual assault victims. The idea that sluts 'invite' rape stems from the idea that sluts are not worthy of expecting consent to be a factor in their sexual experience, and that just because someone is up for a lot of sex that they are up for all kinds of sex with all kinds of people, including sexual assault with rapists. Patriarchy is constantly on the lookout to defend the hegemons of society, even if that means transferring the blame of rape from mostly-male rapists to their mostly-female victims by saying that 'he wouldn't have done x if she hadn't done y'. In reality, it should be 'he isn't allowed to do x if she didn't say YES' - no matter what she was doing and how she was behaving. I think victim blaming also comes about with a misunderstanding of what consent is; consent in our society is normally implied, a secret message encoded in what we wear and how we act and what we say, which is evident in the language surrounding rape apology such as 'she was totally asking for it' or 'she really was into it'. We like to think of the sexual assault of sluts is just a normal sexual encounter and then a woman regretting it and crying wolf when in reality, sexual assault occurs when there was no clear, distinct, enthusiastic YES - and last time I checked, fishnet tights don't talk.
Slut shaming & female sexuality as a commodity
People refer to sluts as 'cheap' or 'selling themselves' and reinforces this idea that female sexuality is a commodity. Female sexuality is like money to the hegemons of society - something to exploit, invest in, pass around amongst mates, give and take as favours at mates rates. Another way of looking at the commodification of female sexuality is the toxic idea that female sexuality is a finite resource and that women are either like batteries - can only be used so many times before it runs out - or like cars - value decreases with each use. This idea of 'using', 'selling' and 'buying' women for 'cheap' is a shocking example of how women are sexually objectified and the consistent failure of our society to recognise that women are human beings with the right to express their sexuality however they damn want, to say yes or no to whatever they like, to call the shots in whatever they do and that they are not disrespecting themselves or decreasing their value by having sex!
Something that is a finite resource that is connected to female sexuality are ova; a woman only produces a certain amont of eggs in her lifetime and human eggs are the most expensive resource in the world. I have heard a lot of bullshit equating the relative scarcity of female eggs and the relative abundance of male sperm to the idea that men can have lots of sex and it doesn't matter but a woman only has a certain number of sexual experiences and she should be careful of when and where to have those. BULLSHIT. Orgasms are not eggs or sperm, my friend, and sex is so much more than just procreation and the resources we have to procreate.
Slut shaming & trivialising, dehumanising and objectifying women
Our society seems incapable of viewing women as being human beings and sexual beings simultaneously, even though being human and being sexual are inextricably interlinked. This is why women who aren't very sexual or suppress their sexuality are seen as 'good' and 'respectable' and women who openly indulge their sexuality are purely viewed as sexual objects devoid of any redeeming qualities. Because our society is so accustomed to viewing women in a sexual light as sexual objects rather than sexual beings we apply this toxic outlook to women who are sexual without the sole intent of pleasing men, with disasterous results. And because our society has conditioned us into believing that it's sexy and appealing for women to be objectified in sexual situations we fail to give sluts the respect and dignity that they deserve, even in times of crisis.
My experience with slut shaming
I experienced quite a lot of slut shaming throughout grade school because I have always been interested in sexuality, both as an academic pursuit and as a facet of my life as a human being, and people have constantly given me crap for that. I felt really guilty and shameful for being as interested in sex that I was and continue to be and felt like there was really something wrong with me or that I was setting myself up for some (deserved) trouble. I've been a nerd for pretty much my whole life and I watched as people struggled to see me as both a person with academic and non-sexual interests as well as a person with nerve endings and sexual desires and interests, and more often than not I was either treated as this totally sexless bookworm or as some kind of cheap whore. I tried to keep slut shaming to a minimum by feigning total disinterest in sex, but not only was that totally contradictory to who I am as a person it didn't stop me from witnessing a lot of slut shaming which was almost as intimidating as experiencing it first hand. Because I was so intimidated and frightened by slut shaming and bullying I suppressed a lot of things which kind of...fucked me up. I didn't understand how to deal with sexual and romantic relationships and fucked a few of those up, plus I refused to admit to myself that I was bi until, well...this year.
Stay tuned for Part II of sexuality & shame, where I look at the equal and opposite pressure of virgin shaming, and Part III where I discuss fat shaming and our society's massive body image problem. Stay tuned and stay beautiful!
PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW
A new three-part series (I am something of a fan. Blame my English teacher; he got me started on this whole tricolon, power of threes thing) on sex & shame. I just wanted to talk to you all a little bit about three major elements of shaming sexuality in our society; slut shaming, virgin shaming and fat shaming.
Soooo...what is a slut?
A slut can be defined as:
- a woman who has 'too much' sex
- a woman who is 'overly' interested in sex or is openly sexual
- a woman who likes and actively facilitates sexual intimacy
- a woman who behaves outside of acceptable social attitudes towards female sexuality
From this negative attitude towards women and sex emerges the slut monster - a mythical being of immoral and insatiable sexual lust who is incapable of steady, healthy relationships, manipulates, abuses and destroys men and their 'good' relationships with 'good' women and are unworthy of our respect, the right to be safe in their sexual escapades, or sympathy and support in the event of sexual assault or rape.
Sluts and slut monsters, incidentally, only exist in the fevered imaginations of the darlings of patriarchy. There is no such thing as having 'too much' sex, or being 'too interested' in sex; there's nothing wrong with being openly sexual or actively facilitating sexual intimacy and social attitudes of acceptable expressions of female sexuality can go collectively fuck themselves.
Slut shaming.
Slut shaming is a many-headed monster and here are some examples of slut shaming:
- Making claims that women who dress or act a certain way are 'asking for it' or 'don't respect themselves'
- Forming an opinion of someone solely based on their sexual behaviour and/or how they present themselves
- Physical, emotional and verbal abuse of a 'slut'
- Ostracisation, stigmatisation or open disdain for and negativity towards a 'slut'
- Mocking or showing lack of concern for rape victims because they were 'slutty' or 'asking for it'
- Sympathising with rapists for raping 'sluts'
- Using the word 'slut' as an insult
- Spreading rumours to exaggerate somebody's sexuality or sex life to encourage the idea that someone is a 'slut'
SLUT SHAMING. ALL OF THE ABOVE. DON'T DO IT.
BUT FREEDOM OF SPEECH! I HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN OPINION!
Freedom of speech isn't freedom to abuse. Our opinions and attitudes about sexuality should really only govern our own sexual choices and nobody has the right to abuse someone based on who and how often they fuck. Really...not a hard concept...guys...
What harm 'harmless' slut shaming does:
- Slut shaming encourages negative attitudes and stigma surrounding female sexuality
- Slut shaming perpetuates a myth that women are not sexual beings, and that women who are sexual beings are weird
- Slut shaming can cause deep insecurities, trigger mental health issues, body image issues, self-esteem problems, behavioural problems, social problems and relationship drama in people who could potentially be perceived as 'sluts'
- Slut shaming silences and stigmatises victims of rape and sexual assault
- Slut shaming reinforces harmful and sexist attitudes towards women and female sexuality
- Slut shaming normalises, encourages and facilitates sexual violence towards women
Slut shaming & fear of female sexuality
Slut shaming is one of the many by-products of patriarchy's fear and contempt for female sexuality. This idea that sexual behaviour is inextricably linked to morality, the idea that there is something dirty or shameful about a woman who enjoys sex and has lots of it, is all about reducing women into obedient, sexless creatures and only viewing female sexuality in the context of male pleasure or procreation. The slut monster is created out of this totally false misconception that most women don't have that much sexual desire and that there is something wrong about women who do, or that there is something questionable about a woman's intentions when she actively facilitates sexual activity.
Slut shaming & female bodies as public spaces
Our society is obsessed with making female bodies public spaces - we dress women up, we strip them down, we comment, touch, criticise womens bodies as much as possible; women at large in the traditionally male spheres of public life are considered fair game. The fact that people feel entitled - or even obliged - to constantly comment and criticise on a woman's personal sexual choices is evidence of how little we esteem women in our society, and how little faith we have that each woman is uniquely capable and entitled to make her own choices about her own body and life and relationships.
Slut shaming & victim blaming
With almost every rape case you hear about, you also hear something along the lines of a victim 'asking for it', 'not being careful enough', 'sending the wrong message', or something else that implies that someting a rape victim said or did excuses a rapist, or even places the blame of a sexual assault on the victim instead of the perpetrator. This is known as victim blaming and can lead to unhealthy attitudes towards sexual violence, acceptance and even sympathy for rapists, as well as silence and stigma instead of support and sympathy for rape survivors and sexual assault victims. The idea that sluts 'invite' rape stems from the idea that sluts are not worthy of expecting consent to be a factor in their sexual experience, and that just because someone is up for a lot of sex that they are up for all kinds of sex with all kinds of people, including sexual assault with rapists. Patriarchy is constantly on the lookout to defend the hegemons of society, even if that means transferring the blame of rape from mostly-male rapists to their mostly-female victims by saying that 'he wouldn't have done x if she hadn't done y'. In reality, it should be 'he isn't allowed to do x if she didn't say YES' - no matter what she was doing and how she was behaving. I think victim blaming also comes about with a misunderstanding of what consent is; consent in our society is normally implied, a secret message encoded in what we wear and how we act and what we say, which is evident in the language surrounding rape apology such as 'she was totally asking for it' or 'she really was into it'. We like to think of the sexual assault of sluts is just a normal sexual encounter and then a woman regretting it and crying wolf when in reality, sexual assault occurs when there was no clear, distinct, enthusiastic YES - and last time I checked, fishnet tights don't talk.
Slut shaming & female sexuality as a commodity
People refer to sluts as 'cheap' or 'selling themselves' and reinforces this idea that female sexuality is a commodity. Female sexuality is like money to the hegemons of society - something to exploit, invest in, pass around amongst mates, give and take as favours at mates rates. Another way of looking at the commodification of female sexuality is the toxic idea that female sexuality is a finite resource and that women are either like batteries - can only be used so many times before it runs out - or like cars - value decreases with each use. This idea of 'using', 'selling' and 'buying' women for 'cheap' is a shocking example of how women are sexually objectified and the consistent failure of our society to recognise that women are human beings with the right to express their sexuality however they damn want, to say yes or no to whatever they like, to call the shots in whatever they do and that they are not disrespecting themselves or decreasing their value by having sex!
Something that is a finite resource that is connected to female sexuality are ova; a woman only produces a certain amont of eggs in her lifetime and human eggs are the most expensive resource in the world. I have heard a lot of bullshit equating the relative scarcity of female eggs and the relative abundance of male sperm to the idea that men can have lots of sex and it doesn't matter but a woman only has a certain number of sexual experiences and she should be careful of when and where to have those. BULLSHIT. Orgasms are not eggs or sperm, my friend, and sex is so much more than just procreation and the resources we have to procreate.
Slut shaming & trivialising, dehumanising and objectifying women
Our society seems incapable of viewing women as being human beings and sexual beings simultaneously, even though being human and being sexual are inextricably interlinked. This is why women who aren't very sexual or suppress their sexuality are seen as 'good' and 'respectable' and women who openly indulge their sexuality are purely viewed as sexual objects devoid of any redeeming qualities. Because our society is so accustomed to viewing women in a sexual light as sexual objects rather than sexual beings we apply this toxic outlook to women who are sexual without the sole intent of pleasing men, with disasterous results. And because our society has conditioned us into believing that it's sexy and appealing for women to be objectified in sexual situations we fail to give sluts the respect and dignity that they deserve, even in times of crisis.
My experience with slut shaming
I experienced quite a lot of slut shaming throughout grade school because I have always been interested in sexuality, both as an academic pursuit and as a facet of my life as a human being, and people have constantly given me crap for that. I felt really guilty and shameful for being as interested in sex that I was and continue to be and felt like there was really something wrong with me or that I was setting myself up for some (deserved) trouble. I've been a nerd for pretty much my whole life and I watched as people struggled to see me as both a person with academic and non-sexual interests as well as a person with nerve endings and sexual desires and interests, and more often than not I was either treated as this totally sexless bookworm or as some kind of cheap whore. I tried to keep slut shaming to a minimum by feigning total disinterest in sex, but not only was that totally contradictory to who I am as a person it didn't stop me from witnessing a lot of slut shaming which was almost as intimidating as experiencing it first hand. Because I was so intimidated and frightened by slut shaming and bullying I suppressed a lot of things which kind of...fucked me up. I didn't understand how to deal with sexual and romantic relationships and fucked a few of those up, plus I refused to admit to myself that I was bi until, well...this year.
Stay tuned for Part II of sexuality & shame, where I look at the equal and opposite pressure of virgin shaming, and Part III where I discuss fat shaming and our society's massive body image problem. Stay tuned and stay beautiful!
PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW
Thursday, July 04, 2013
speak now #15: the slut factor
Now Playing: Body Love by Mary Lambert (love your body the way your mother loved your baby feet)
Can you tell us a bit about yourself?
Ok, so I'm the UWA Women's Affairs Officer for this year, I'm a vegetarian, I really like makeup and combat boots and recently invested in some seriously mind blowing leather pants. I'm a literature and Ancient History student, second year. I drink tequila almost exclusively but have a mild flirtation with pear cider. On my bedroom wall is a giant picture of the female sex organ, that I drew myself. What else would you like to know?
Man, I love pear cider. Um...how would you label your gender identity and sexual orientation?
I'm basically as straight as it's possible to be. I kiss my best friend Alyssa on the lips- usually when we're both sober, I'm not a drunk hookup girl with EITHER gender, but we're really close and very affectionate - our way of greeting each other is usually grabbing both of each others' boobs.
Our culture has made that kind of taboo though, don't you think? Like if you're straight people look down on you if have any kind of intimacy with someone of the same gender. What are your thoughts on that?
I think it's silly. I don't think the fact that I kiss my best friend makes me anything less than completely straight - I would never even think of doing anything sexual with a woman, just not my thing (but if it is your thing, go you, you're awesome)- I think it's just that my best friend and I are comfortable, and it's a human way of showing affection, but we also kind of enjoy making people feel uncomfortable and awkward by being inappropriate. That's sort of my attitude on all things really - body image, and sexuality, and what's "acceptable" and so on - I just tend to do the exact opposite to fuck with people. Serves them right for judging in the first place
As women's affairs officer at UWA, what do you think are some problems/societal issues facing women in Australia at the moment?
I think one of the biggest issues is the scary nature of "feminism". It's a word that's become attached to some very negative connotations, especially at our campus, and I've sort of been looked down on for identifying as a feminist. So my "mission", I guess, this year, has been to implement what I call "mainstream" feminism, which is basically like, making everyone I possible can realise that they're probably a feminist without noticing. Do you believe in equal pay? You're probably a feminist!
Do you think women don't belong in the kitchen, but have the right to be there if they so wish? HEY, YOU'RE A FEMINIST!
Another one is this concept of "slut shaming" which is basically making women feel bad for acting like men and being sexually promiscuous, and is usually linked to criticisms of women's more "revealing" clothing and is also inherently tied in with Rape Culture. I've been combatting that by wearing completely see through shirts that show of my rather fabulous bra collection. My approach has sort of been to take a problem and challenge it directly, by myself.
Can the negative reaction to some of the things you do get intimidating? There was quite a bit of a backlash to my blog and that was pretty scary for me.
It's REALLY intimidating, and quite upsetting. When it gets back to me it can send me into a downward spiral pretty quickly, but after about twenty four hours I just get MAD - and then I just push the boundaries further
Could you describe some of the reactions that people have had?
Basically people have literally said to my face or through the grapevine that what I wore on certain occasions was slutty/inappropriate/unprofessional. Which really pissed me off, I think I get criticised a lot more because of my position. Other members of guild council have stripped down on occasion for things like Prosh Olympics - and good on them, why the hell not? And no one bats an eyelid - but when I do it - and I should mention, I'm incredibly comfortable with my body, I like how I look, and what I put on it is no one elses damn business- there's like, a freaking riot.
Why do you think there is such a double standard in how men and women are perceived and treated in society, in terms of what they wear, perceived promiscuity, etc...?
I think it's just become the status quo. It's an entrenched system of thought - and it's definitely perpetuated by beauty and clothing industries alike, most forms of advertising and pretty much anyone trying to make money benefits from the sexualisation of women. I think it definitely originially stemmed from the sort of biblical or religious need to control women, if you like, because we were seen as too emotional and irrational and needed to know our place. I know that's obviously completely archaic but in the end its an attitude that we can still identify in culture, but it's just morphed into something else.
I know how I dress has changed a lot since coming to uni and becoming more comfortable with my body and people have not been too happy about that.
I think that's another issue that people have had to grapple with in our society - the sole purpose of women isn't to be attractive to men
I've noticed that when people are criticising how people dress and comport they're usually criticising people who are super attractive or people who are not conventionally beautiful.
I kind of agree and kind of don't. I feel like you should work with what you have. Some clothes (in fact most) are not designed to look good on certain bodies. And that sucks, I know. I can't wear skinny jeans, because despite being tiny, they just don't cover my apple butt. So I get levis and things that look insanely good. So I kind of feel like, for a lot of women, they feel like they should wear and look good in clothes they're probably not comfortable in, so why bother? If something doesn't look typically "good" on you because of your size, but you LOVE it, ok, excellent, PLEASE NEVER TAKE IT OFF, but if you're just wearing it to please society, and it doesn't suit you, take it off.
Oh, of course, but I don't know if how people dress is fair game for mockery; and it can lead to fat shaming and slut shaming and all that lovely stuff.
I completely agree, you still shouldn't criticise other people. I guess I feel like - ok, take "juvies" for example. You know the ones that all wear the same clothes regardless of their size? ANd a lot of people are like, that bigger girl shouldn't wear those short shorts because they look "bad" on her and I don't want to see it. The reason I have a problem with both the action, and the comment, is because A) OF course the shorts look bad on her, they were designed for a twelve year old boy. She isn't wearing them because she wants to, she's wearing those shorts because they're cheap and everyone else is wearing them too, and c) I DONT CARE WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE, DON'T BURN YOUR RETINA ON HER ACCOUNT
I feel like a lot of girls are feeling like the conflicting pressure to be sexy but not be slutty and it's really hard to walk the line on that - I have been called a prude and a slut and I am very confused as to how you can be both.
I think men can massively contribute - it's my one and only argument for having a men's officer at UWA - to make changes from within. If men - and women for that matter - had more of an active role taking care of women while they're out, then we wouldn't have a problem. Don't teach girls how to dress, teach men not to rape. I have a friend who, when at a club, if he sees a girl who is drunk as a giraffe - or, as Jenna Marbles would say, "high as giraffe pussy", and being hit on by a guy who's trying to take her home, he'll usually walk over and check she's ok, and maybe encourage her to get a taxi home alone if she's not, and it's something I've started doing too. It's a weird concept because at first you feel like you're intruding but I've had a couple of girls recognize me at other events and come up to me and thank me. And I know another guy who will deliberately make sure he walks on the other side of the road to women when walking home - because he doesn't want to make them feel scared in case they think they're being followed. Which is really cute. I think there is no line, because to me, "SLUTTY" isn't a label that exists. I don't acknowledge the word anymore if I can help it, it's not a thing. It's not a concept we really have for men, especially in terms of clothing, so why do we have to have one pertaining to women?
Exactly - there are hardly any words with a negative connotation related to the perceived promiscuity of men.
Exactly. "Man whore" is almost a compliment. It's an achievement to sleep with more women. That's definitely not a perception encouraged just by men, women can be just as bad when it comes to judging each other
Slut shaming also impacts men, too - I know lots of men who are virgins and they don't feel comfortable with that.
Yeah exactly, it's almost the opposite for men. WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN HAVE AN OPINION ON OTHER PEOPLES' SEX LIVES? SO MANY WORLD ISSUES WOULD BE SOLVED IF THAT WASNT A THING.
To be honest, I've wanted to do this sex education series on my blog for ages but I felt like I couldn't because I'm a virgin. Then I realised that virginity itself is a social construct, and I know what I'm talking about whether or not I've had sex. I think this obsession with other peoples' sex lives is kind of creepy, and also very confusing; you're doomed whether you have sex or not because there is criticism either way.
Definitely. And I really like that you think the whole thing is a social construct - I agree. I still think that losing your virginity is a big deal, but it's also not because your virginity is a sacred, precious thing, especially if you're a woman. It's because you've become an adult in a way. Sex might also be for pleasure but it's biological root - at least for penis in vagina sex, is procreation, so at the heart of that is the concept of parenthood and that's a pretty adult concept
I also don't like how people define virginity - as in like penis-in-vagina; as if that's the only kind of sex ever in the whole world.
Yeah, I agree. I think it kind of reinforces patriarchal attitudes towards sex and reproduction. ANY GENITAL CONTACT. IS SEX. HOORAY. And I think even if you're not having penis in vagina sex, that adulthood concept is still there. Maybe not through procreation but at least because of the level of intimacy.
EXACTLY. Actually, I had an epiphany when I was trying to figure out if I was a virgin or not, and then I was like...you know what...I no longer care.
As a young woman do you feel safe in public spaces; like at parties/at night/on public transport etc?
I do, for the most part. I like to think I'm a bit of A Badass, and to be perfectly honest, if someone crosses me, I tend to tear them apart verbally or push them away from me. I don't deal well with being touched by drunk people and if someone gets in my way at a club I give them the dirtiest look I possibly can. It sounds rude but gives me a fairly wide radius to dance which is good. I also frequent uni parties rather than clubs, because that's where I feel most comfortable, knowing everybody around me, and I feel like I have a certain level of authority because of my position. Another thing I do is I don't stay in one place for long - I think it might be related to my anxiety; but I just don't stick with one group for very long at all, I have to keep wandering and dancing and mingling. Walking home by myself I usually feel safe. I know my area pretty well and I've learnt to walk with purpose and keep my phone out, and at least look like I'm texting someone. And I tend to actually pick someone I know will be awake and text them and let them know I'm walking home and to stay in touch with me, that helps. It's nice when my guy friends offer to walk me home but I usually refuse, to be honest.
Do you think chivalry has a place in the context of modern society, or do you think it's inherently sexist?
I've got this really interesting thing going on where my beliefs are kind of an intersection between feminism and traditionalism. I was raised by old fashioned, British parents and on my mother's side especially I come from a very old English family (my grandfather is a lord in the House of Lords) so you can imagine how conservative we can be. I think chivalry is incredibly important - but it's a respect thing. It's not because women are weak and need looking after, it's because we should be shown respect - especially if you want to impress us. Think of how special you feel as a woman when a man holds a door open for you - my date the other night opened the car door for me and it was pretty much the most flattering thing ever. I'm quite happy to hold the door open for men, to buy them dinner, and so on, because we're equal and I can, but chivalry is like a way of saying "I know you're perfectly capable, but I want to do it for you anyway". And I think if more men were raised to be chivalrous and respectful of women we would have a lot less problems in society.
So chivalry should be a gender neutral thing?
Yeah, I kind of think so. I think it's just shown in different ways - Guys that are chivalrous open doors and stuff like that, but I would express the same respect in different ways. I would feel a little weird taking a guy out for dinner, but if I wanted to make an effort and show respect I would do something like renting a movie he really liked, or sitting down and learning how to play his favourite video game, or whatever. I know that sounds really old fashioned and kind of perpetuates gender roles. But those are just my beliefs, it doesn't make me less of a feminist.
Do you find that people think that you're less of a feminist or that you're sexist because you are cisgender and heterosexual and might have some 'old fashioned' values?
I hope not.
I don't think people see you like that. If they do they're asshats because I love you. What is your opinion on the depiction of gender and sexuality in the media and how this affects things like body image and attitudes towards sexuality amongst young people?
I think it's always going to be one of those things that is just there, but what we need to teach young people is how to not let it affect you, how to take only the positives away from it. I had some really excellent English teachers, and our modules on advertising in high school were things I paid a lot of attention to - so now I know exactly what an advert is trying to get me to think and why, so I'm not anywhere near as affected by it.
Sophie: UWA Women's Affairs Officer. Tequila lover. Feminist. Vegetarian. All-round amazeballs human being.
Can you tell us a bit about yourself?
Ok, so I'm the UWA Women's Affairs Officer for this year, I'm a vegetarian, I really like makeup and combat boots and recently invested in some seriously mind blowing leather pants. I'm a literature and Ancient History student, second year. I drink tequila almost exclusively but have a mild flirtation with pear cider. On my bedroom wall is a giant picture of the female sex organ, that I drew myself. What else would you like to know?
Man, I love pear cider. Um...how would you label your gender identity and sexual orientation?
I'm basically as straight as it's possible to be. I kiss my best friend Alyssa on the lips- usually when we're both sober, I'm not a drunk hookup girl with EITHER gender, but we're really close and very affectionate - our way of greeting each other is usually grabbing both of each others' boobs.
Our culture has made that kind of taboo though, don't you think? Like if you're straight people look down on you if have any kind of intimacy with someone of the same gender. What are your thoughts on that?
I think it's silly. I don't think the fact that I kiss my best friend makes me anything less than completely straight - I would never even think of doing anything sexual with a woman, just not my thing (but if it is your thing, go you, you're awesome)- I think it's just that my best friend and I are comfortable, and it's a human way of showing affection, but we also kind of enjoy making people feel uncomfortable and awkward by being inappropriate. That's sort of my attitude on all things really - body image, and sexuality, and what's "acceptable" and so on - I just tend to do the exact opposite to fuck with people. Serves them right for judging in the first place
As women's affairs officer at UWA, what do you think are some problems/societal issues facing women in Australia at the moment?
I think one of the biggest issues is the scary nature of "feminism". It's a word that's become attached to some very negative connotations, especially at our campus, and I've sort of been looked down on for identifying as a feminist. So my "mission", I guess, this year, has been to implement what I call "mainstream" feminism, which is basically like, making everyone I possible can realise that they're probably a feminist without noticing. Do you believe in equal pay? You're probably a feminist!
Do you think women don't belong in the kitchen, but have the right to be there if they so wish? HEY, YOU'RE A FEMINIST!
Another one is this concept of "slut shaming" which is basically making women feel bad for acting like men and being sexually promiscuous, and is usually linked to criticisms of women's more "revealing" clothing and is also inherently tied in with Rape Culture. I've been combatting that by wearing completely see through shirts that show of my rather fabulous bra collection. My approach has sort of been to take a problem and challenge it directly, by myself.
Can the negative reaction to some of the things you do get intimidating? There was quite a bit of a backlash to my blog and that was pretty scary for me.
It's REALLY intimidating, and quite upsetting. When it gets back to me it can send me into a downward spiral pretty quickly, but after about twenty four hours I just get MAD - and then I just push the boundaries further
Could you describe some of the reactions that people have had?
Basically people have literally said to my face or through the grapevine that what I wore on certain occasions was slutty/inappropriate/unprofessional. Which really pissed me off, I think I get criticised a lot more because of my position. Other members of guild council have stripped down on occasion for things like Prosh Olympics - and good on them, why the hell not? And no one bats an eyelid - but when I do it - and I should mention, I'm incredibly comfortable with my body, I like how I look, and what I put on it is no one elses damn business- there's like, a freaking riot.
Why do you think there is such a double standard in how men and women are perceived and treated in society, in terms of what they wear, perceived promiscuity, etc...?
I think it's just become the status quo. It's an entrenched system of thought - and it's definitely perpetuated by beauty and clothing industries alike, most forms of advertising and pretty much anyone trying to make money benefits from the sexualisation of women. I think it definitely originially stemmed from the sort of biblical or religious need to control women, if you like, because we were seen as too emotional and irrational and needed to know our place. I know that's obviously completely archaic but in the end its an attitude that we can still identify in culture, but it's just morphed into something else.
I know how I dress has changed a lot since coming to uni and becoming more comfortable with my body and people have not been too happy about that.
I think that's another issue that people have had to grapple with in our society - the sole purpose of women isn't to be attractive to men
I've noticed that when people are criticising how people dress and comport they're usually criticising people who are super attractive or people who are not conventionally beautiful.
I kind of agree and kind of don't. I feel like you should work with what you have. Some clothes (in fact most) are not designed to look good on certain bodies. And that sucks, I know. I can't wear skinny jeans, because despite being tiny, they just don't cover my apple butt. So I get levis and things that look insanely good. So I kind of feel like, for a lot of women, they feel like they should wear and look good in clothes they're probably not comfortable in, so why bother? If something doesn't look typically "good" on you because of your size, but you LOVE it, ok, excellent, PLEASE NEVER TAKE IT OFF, but if you're just wearing it to please society, and it doesn't suit you, take it off.
Oh, of course, but I don't know if how people dress is fair game for mockery; and it can lead to fat shaming and slut shaming and all that lovely stuff.
I completely agree, you still shouldn't criticise other people. I guess I feel like - ok, take "juvies" for example. You know the ones that all wear the same clothes regardless of their size? ANd a lot of people are like, that bigger girl shouldn't wear those short shorts because they look "bad" on her and I don't want to see it. The reason I have a problem with both the action, and the comment, is because A) OF course the shorts look bad on her, they were designed for a twelve year old boy. She isn't wearing them because she wants to, she's wearing those shorts because they're cheap and everyone else is wearing them too, and c) I DONT CARE WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE, DON'T BURN YOUR RETINA ON HER ACCOUNT
I feel like a lot of girls are feeling like the conflicting pressure to be sexy but not be slutty and it's really hard to walk the line on that - I have been called a prude and a slut and I am very confused as to how you can be both.
I think men can massively contribute - it's my one and only argument for having a men's officer at UWA - to make changes from within. If men - and women for that matter - had more of an active role taking care of women while they're out, then we wouldn't have a problem. Don't teach girls how to dress, teach men not to rape. I have a friend who, when at a club, if he sees a girl who is drunk as a giraffe - or, as Jenna Marbles would say, "high as giraffe pussy", and being hit on by a guy who's trying to take her home, he'll usually walk over and check she's ok, and maybe encourage her to get a taxi home alone if she's not, and it's something I've started doing too. It's a weird concept because at first you feel like you're intruding but I've had a couple of girls recognize me at other events and come up to me and thank me. And I know another guy who will deliberately make sure he walks on the other side of the road to women when walking home - because he doesn't want to make them feel scared in case they think they're being followed. Which is really cute. I think there is no line, because to me, "SLUTTY" isn't a label that exists. I don't acknowledge the word anymore if I can help it, it's not a thing. It's not a concept we really have for men, especially in terms of clothing, so why do we have to have one pertaining to women?
Exactly - there are hardly any words with a negative connotation related to the perceived promiscuity of men.
Exactly. "Man whore" is almost a compliment. It's an achievement to sleep with more women. That's definitely not a perception encouraged just by men, women can be just as bad when it comes to judging each other
Slut shaming also impacts men, too - I know lots of men who are virgins and they don't feel comfortable with that.
Yeah exactly, it's almost the opposite for men. WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN HAVE AN OPINION ON OTHER PEOPLES' SEX LIVES? SO MANY WORLD ISSUES WOULD BE SOLVED IF THAT WASNT A THING.
To be honest, I've wanted to do this sex education series on my blog for ages but I felt like I couldn't because I'm a virgin. Then I realised that virginity itself is a social construct, and I know what I'm talking about whether or not I've had sex. I think this obsession with other peoples' sex lives is kind of creepy, and also very confusing; you're doomed whether you have sex or not because there is criticism either way.
Definitely. And I really like that you think the whole thing is a social construct - I agree. I still think that losing your virginity is a big deal, but it's also not because your virginity is a sacred, precious thing, especially if you're a woman. It's because you've become an adult in a way. Sex might also be for pleasure but it's biological root - at least for penis in vagina sex, is procreation, so at the heart of that is the concept of parenthood and that's a pretty adult concept
I also don't like how people define virginity - as in like penis-in-vagina; as if that's the only kind of sex ever in the whole world.
Yeah, I agree. I think it kind of reinforces patriarchal attitudes towards sex and reproduction. ANY GENITAL CONTACT. IS SEX. HOORAY. And I think even if you're not having penis in vagina sex, that adulthood concept is still there. Maybe not through procreation but at least because of the level of intimacy.
EXACTLY. Actually, I had an epiphany when I was trying to figure out if I was a virgin or not, and then I was like...you know what...I no longer care.
As a young woman do you feel safe in public spaces; like at parties/at night/on public transport etc?
I do, for the most part. I like to think I'm a bit of A Badass, and to be perfectly honest, if someone crosses me, I tend to tear them apart verbally or push them away from me. I don't deal well with being touched by drunk people and if someone gets in my way at a club I give them the dirtiest look I possibly can. It sounds rude but gives me a fairly wide radius to dance which is good. I also frequent uni parties rather than clubs, because that's where I feel most comfortable, knowing everybody around me, and I feel like I have a certain level of authority because of my position. Another thing I do is I don't stay in one place for long - I think it might be related to my anxiety; but I just don't stick with one group for very long at all, I have to keep wandering and dancing and mingling. Walking home by myself I usually feel safe. I know my area pretty well and I've learnt to walk with purpose and keep my phone out, and at least look like I'm texting someone. And I tend to actually pick someone I know will be awake and text them and let them know I'm walking home and to stay in touch with me, that helps. It's nice when my guy friends offer to walk me home but I usually refuse, to be honest.
Do you think chivalry has a place in the context of modern society, or do you think it's inherently sexist?
I've got this really interesting thing going on where my beliefs are kind of an intersection between feminism and traditionalism. I was raised by old fashioned, British parents and on my mother's side especially I come from a very old English family (my grandfather is a lord in the House of Lords) so you can imagine how conservative we can be. I think chivalry is incredibly important - but it's a respect thing. It's not because women are weak and need looking after, it's because we should be shown respect - especially if you want to impress us. Think of how special you feel as a woman when a man holds a door open for you - my date the other night opened the car door for me and it was pretty much the most flattering thing ever. I'm quite happy to hold the door open for men, to buy them dinner, and so on, because we're equal and I can, but chivalry is like a way of saying "I know you're perfectly capable, but I want to do it for you anyway". And I think if more men were raised to be chivalrous and respectful of women we would have a lot less problems in society.
So chivalry should be a gender neutral thing?
Yeah, I kind of think so. I think it's just shown in different ways - Guys that are chivalrous open doors and stuff like that, but I would express the same respect in different ways. I would feel a little weird taking a guy out for dinner, but if I wanted to make an effort and show respect I would do something like renting a movie he really liked, or sitting down and learning how to play his favourite video game, or whatever. I know that sounds really old fashioned and kind of perpetuates gender roles. But those are just my beliefs, it doesn't make me less of a feminist.
Do you find that people think that you're less of a feminist or that you're sexist because you are cisgender and heterosexual and might have some 'old fashioned' values?
I hope not.
I don't think people see you like that. If they do they're asshats because I love you. What is your opinion on the depiction of gender and sexuality in the media and how this affects things like body image and attitudes towards sexuality amongst young people?
I think it's always going to be one of those things that is just there, but what we need to teach young people is how to not let it affect you, how to take only the positives away from it. I had some really excellent English teachers, and our modules on advertising in high school were things I paid a lot of attention to - so now I know exactly what an advert is trying to get me to think and why, so I'm not anywhere near as affected by it.
Sophie is the 2013 UWA Women's Affairs Officer who has gained some notoriety for her Axe the Tampon Tax Campaign, which we hope to discuss here at some point. Sophie is also the head honcho of the amazing Bare Truth Campaign that I am a part of, and is an amazing friend and inspiration for people of all sexes and genders on campus. If you would like to be interviewed, interview me or write a guest article, please contact me! Stay tuned and stay beautiful!
Wednesday, July 03, 2013
Julia Gillard
Now Playing: People Help the People by Birdy (if you're homesick give me your hand and I'll hold it)
I am not a Julia Gillard fan. I was happy to see Kevin Rudd back. I'm not going to say she's the world's best politician because she is not. I'm not a diehard Labor fan and, to be honest, there are some Liberals I like better than her.
But that's not the point. The point is is that Australia had their first female leader and we really fucked up. Big time. No other prime minister has dealt with so much crap, so much abuse, and it's disgusting that most of it was for no other reason other than the fact that she is a woman. So don't you dare tell me Australia is not a sexist country. We don't even have the decency to treat our political leaders, the women who already have it so hard fighting in the very male-dominated, male-centric world of politics, with respect.
I am not a Julia Gillard fan. I was happy to see Kevin Rudd back. I'm not going to say she's the world's best politician because she is not. I'm not a diehard Labor fan and, to be honest, there are some Liberals I like better than her.
But that's not the point. The point is is that Australia had their first female leader and we really fucked up. Big time. No other prime minister has dealt with so much crap, so much abuse, and it's disgusting that most of it was for no other reason other than the fact that she is a woman. So don't you dare tell me Australia is not a sexist country. We don't even have the decency to treat our political leaders, the women who already have it so hard fighting in the very male-dominated, male-centric world of politics, with respect.
speak now #14: abstinence
Now Playing: Comforting Sounds by Birdy (I don't feel alright because you make promises that you break)
So you're probably thinking that I and the rest of the sex-positive community have some strong objections to abstinence; I know one of the (very unfair and extremely untrue) criticisms launched at us on a regular basis is that we actively encourage promiscuity and shame people who aren't as sexually active.
As a "virgin" I really feel like the opposite is the case; sex negativity puts two very conflicting but intense pressures on people, especially girls, to be simultaneously sexually active but virginally pure all at once and it was really doing my head in. I actually felt more comfortable both as someone who is relatively inexperienced AND later when stuff had happened because the sex positive community is just really open and accepting and nonjudgemental and sunshine and rainbows and flowers and...
Okay.
So today I wanted to talk about abstinence in the context of sex positivity, how it is PERFECTLY POSSIBLE TO BE ABSTINENT AND SEX POSITIVE, and some issues surrounding abstinence and healthy attitudes towards sexuality.
First things first: terminology
Sexual abstinence is a self-enforced prohibition of sexual activity and/or physical intimacy for medical, psychological, legal, moral, social, financial, or religious reasons.
Celibacy is a constant state of being unmarried and sexually abstinent, usually associated with the sacred vows of a religious official.
Involuntary celibacy is when people don't necessarily aim to be abstinent but by circumstance are not currently sexually active.
Point the first: definitions of abstinence vary.
For many people, 'abstinence' refers to refraining from penetrative sex - anal, vaginal, and/or oral sex. For others it might be totally refraining from any kind of physical contact or sexual behaviour like kissing, or holding hands, or petting, or mutual masturbation...
Point the second: everyone is abstinent at some point in their lives.
The surge in hormones and the emergence of sexuality during adolescence usually has us pretty enthralled well before the age of consent, which in the state of Western Australia is 16. And we all have dry spells and times, especially earlier on in our lives, where relationships don't work out or don't come to the point where sexual relations become a reality. This happens to EVERYONE and the virgin shaming in our culture is pretty humiliating and disgusting. Conversely, people that you know who are currently sexually active were once abstinent, and not all of them were loving it.
Point the third: everyone has boundaries.
One of the main objections the sex positive community has to the idea of 'abstinence' is that it creates this false idea that people are either in the 'cross your legs until you're married' camp or the 'everybody please fuck me whenever wherever' camp. I was in the first camp, for the little while, before I decided that was not for me, and then people decided to go ahead and pretend that I didn't have the right to say yes or no, the right to give and withdraw consent, and that was pretty fucking terrible. Everyone has boundaries. Everyone has an ever-changing list of what they do and don't want to do and who they do and don't want to do it with. Instead of thinking of people as 'sluts' or 'virgins' or 'abstinent' or 'promiscuous' we have to kind of...consider the people we want to get down with as people, instead of abstract concepts. Discuss what is and isn't okay, discuss history...because everyone has different ideas of what is and isn't okay and THAT IS OKAY.
Totally legitimate reasons to be sexually abstinent:
1. I am uncomfortable with the idea of sexual activity/physical intimacy at the moment.
Not everyone is ready for physical intimacy at the exact same time - I have pretty much always been comfortable with it since forever, but some people find it confronting to be touchy feely and feel like they need to grow up a bit more, or get to know people a bit more, or just you know...get into it later. There's really no rush.
2. I haven't met anyone I want to be intimate or sexual with.
IT IS OF EXTREME IMPORTANCE that you are comfortable with anyone you might be physically close or sexually involved with, and are secure that they know and respect boundaries and contraception and personal values and consent and all that business. If you haven't met those kind of people yet firstly - you will - and secondly - it's okay to wait until you find people you really want to be close to.
3. I'm just not interested in being sexually active right now.
Becoming sexually active can be quite an intimidating prospect and requires a lot of maturity and responsibility; again, it's not really possible without the discussion of boundaries and values and consent and contraception and all that other stuff. Some people think it's not very important to their current stage of life, and others just don't want that responsibility yet. Which is a personal and perfectly fine decision.
Slightly more problematic reasons to be sexually abstinent:
1. I don't want to worry about sexually transmitted infections or unwanted pregnancies.
Regardless of whether or not you are sexually active it is VERY IMPORTANT that you are in the know about STIs and unwanted pregnancies and how to prevent them. In theory abstinence gives you probably more control over your sexuality than is realistically possible; things happen. There might be a game-changer or a sudden change of heart and you want to be well versed in these sexuality topics whether or not you intend to become sexually active in the near future. And lapses in judgement and unwanted sexual interactions happen and it is very important that you stay informed and stay safe. So even if you are planning on delaying your sexual debut it is VERY VERY IMPORTANT you understand contraception and consent and your options after you have sex, after you get pregnant or an STI, or after you are raped or sexually assaulted.
2. Religion.
I know a lot of people cite religion as a reason to be sexually abstinent, particularly abstinent until marriage. My issues with religion and sexuality is a whole other can of worms but all I wanted to say is this:
i. What is the ideology behind sexual abstinence in your religion?
A lot of religions preach this wholesome innocent stay safe and not-pregnant message of sexual abstinence that is actually rooted in a lot of fearmongering, lies and misconceptions about sexuality and contraception, misogyny, sexism, homophobia and patriarchy. Some people who exclusively cite religion as their main guide for sexual morality also have a tendancy to adopt homophobic, sexist or sex-negative attitudes towards sexuality which isn't very healthy for anybody.
ii. Social pressure.
Contrary to popular belief not all religious denominations and not all religious people condemn premarital sexual activity; in fact, many religious people maintain a safe, healthy sex life before and after marriage. If there is extensive social pressure within your religious community to remain abstinent, especially if there is villification of sexuality or sexually active people or contradictions between religious teachings and sexual health facts, it is probably worth considering whether or not the very personal decision to be abstinent is actually a personal decision or just a result of peer pressure and conformity.
iii. Don't let religion do the thinking for you.
When I made the (quite silly, considering who I am) decision to be 'abstinent' until marriage (and yes, I am one of the many abstinence failure stories) I made that decision out of the complex mind-fuck of depression and insecurity and body image issues. I felt like I had no control over my sexuality and sexual relationships at all; I was almost jealous of my more conservative friends who used religion as a justification for their relationships or lack thereof. It just seemed easier to pretend that not getting the attention I wanted was a proactive decision, and it helped to mask some of my insecurities, but in the end it only really exacerbated my total feelings of worthlessness and undesirability, which really sucked the big one. You can't let ideology do the thinking for you; your sexuality is your own, and whilst some things feel overwhelming and uncontrollable it is important to maintain your own beliefs and values based on informed opinion.
3. I don't want people to think I'm a [insert slut shaming insult here]/I'm afraid of unwanted attention/if I'm open about being open to sexual activity how can I say no?
All dichotomies are fales dichotomies and as I said not being sexually abstinent does not mean that you don't have the right to say no, the right to set boundaries, the right to expect respect and consent and all of that. It might seem easier to just be like NOPE DON'T COME NEAR ME PUT THAT AWAY PLEASE but that decision isn't right for everybody.
BAD reasons for being sexually abstinent:
1. I'm not getting any action so I'm going to pretend my current situation is my idea.
I DID THIS. IT IS NOT THE SMARTEST IDEA. A better idea is to sort out what you really feel is and isn't okay for you sexually, and to accept that just because you are open to physical intimacy doesn't mean that at every stage of life you're going to be able to faciliate that intimacy and THAT IS OKAY. IT IS NOBODY'S FAULT. OKAY?
2. Sex is wrong/immoral/dirty/only sluts have sex/I'm better than that.
I think the biggest problem that the sex-positive community has with abstinent people are abstinent people who like to use their self-proclaimed resistance as a moral highground, or a platform to abuse, insult and humiliate people who don't share their beliefs and values. Slut shaming is a HUGE problem, and is especially prevalent amongst people who consider themselves sexually abstinent. If you don't want to get down with it, that's fine, but be aware that it is a personal decision, you can't make that decision for other people, and there is nothing good or bad about being or not being sexually abstinent.
Issues the sex positive community has with abstinence and abstinent people:
1. Abstinence education is utter bullshit.
I think I covered this pretty well but abstinence education is totally different to the personal decision to be abstinent in that it actively stigmatises sex, villifies sexually active people and creates an atmosphere of fear and shame around sex through lies and fear. Sexuality is a personal decision and I think to cover people of all ages, sexes, genders, orientations, expressions, walks of life, stages of life, beliefs, values...the only way forward is factual, sex-positive, comprehensive sex education.
2. Abstinence culture can be conducive to slut shaming.
Abstinence is a choice. A very personal one, and there are many reasons why people are voluntarily and involuntarily celibate. It is important no matter what you choose to do in terms of sexual activities and the level of physical intimacy that you are comfortable with that you accept that everyone is different, and to give people the respect and trust to make their own personal decisions about their own personal lives. I am someone who is not comfortable with the idea of being abstinent until marriage, but I go to great lengths to make sure I don't unintentionally insult or shame people who think that that is the right decision for them. Conversely, it is very important for people who are abstinent, even if they take abstinence seriously, to avoid slut shaming or being condescending of other peoples sexualities and sexual behaviours.
3. Abstinence and comprehensive sex education should mix. But sometimes they don't.
A lot of people think that just because they have decided not to engage in certain activities that they don't need to be in the know and that is very, very dangerous; it is the main reason why 'abstinent' teens have the highest rates of unwanted pregnancies and STIs. It is important to be aware that for many people human nature and enforced prohibition of sexual activities doesn't always mix, and you are very likely to change your mind and your attitude towards sex, especially as you get older and more mature and more sexually aware. It is important to note that even if you remain committed to abstinence lapses in judgement do happen as well as, tragically, nonconsensual sexual congress such as rape, sexual assault or pressure to engage in sexual activities from partners and from society. So whether you are sexually active or not, or whether you plan to be sexually active or not, make sure you pay attention and get informed about sexuality. Because whether you are sexually active or not, it is important to recognise that you are a sexual being and all the people around you are sexual beings, and being human can be unpredictable. But also kind of exciting.
Stay tuned and stay beautiful.
PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW
So you're probably thinking that I and the rest of the sex-positive community have some strong objections to abstinence; I know one of the (very unfair and extremely untrue) criticisms launched at us on a regular basis is that we actively encourage promiscuity and shame people who aren't as sexually active.
As a "virgin" I really feel like the opposite is the case; sex negativity puts two very conflicting but intense pressures on people, especially girls, to be simultaneously sexually active but virginally pure all at once and it was really doing my head in. I actually felt more comfortable both as someone who is relatively inexperienced AND later when stuff had happened because the sex positive community is just really open and accepting and nonjudgemental and sunshine and rainbows and flowers and...
Okay.
So today I wanted to talk about abstinence in the context of sex positivity, how it is PERFECTLY POSSIBLE TO BE ABSTINENT AND SEX POSITIVE, and some issues surrounding abstinence and healthy attitudes towards sexuality.
First things first: terminology
Sexual abstinence is a self-enforced prohibition of sexual activity and/or physical intimacy for medical, psychological, legal, moral, social, financial, or religious reasons.
Celibacy is a constant state of being unmarried and sexually abstinent, usually associated with the sacred vows of a religious official.
Involuntary celibacy is when people don't necessarily aim to be abstinent but by circumstance are not currently sexually active.
Point the first: definitions of abstinence vary.
For many people, 'abstinence' refers to refraining from penetrative sex - anal, vaginal, and/or oral sex. For others it might be totally refraining from any kind of physical contact or sexual behaviour like kissing, or holding hands, or petting, or mutual masturbation...
Point the second: everyone is abstinent at some point in their lives.
The surge in hormones and the emergence of sexuality during adolescence usually has us pretty enthralled well before the age of consent, which in the state of Western Australia is 16. And we all have dry spells and times, especially earlier on in our lives, where relationships don't work out or don't come to the point where sexual relations become a reality. This happens to EVERYONE and the virgin shaming in our culture is pretty humiliating and disgusting. Conversely, people that you know who are currently sexually active were once abstinent, and not all of them were loving it.
Point the third: everyone has boundaries.
One of the main objections the sex positive community has to the idea of 'abstinence' is that it creates this false idea that people are either in the 'cross your legs until you're married' camp or the 'everybody please fuck me whenever wherever' camp. I was in the first camp, for the little while, before I decided that was not for me, and then people decided to go ahead and pretend that I didn't have the right to say yes or no, the right to give and withdraw consent, and that was pretty fucking terrible. Everyone has boundaries. Everyone has an ever-changing list of what they do and don't want to do and who they do and don't want to do it with. Instead of thinking of people as 'sluts' or 'virgins' or 'abstinent' or 'promiscuous' we have to kind of...consider the people we want to get down with as people, instead of abstract concepts. Discuss what is and isn't okay, discuss history...because everyone has different ideas of what is and isn't okay and THAT IS OKAY.
Totally legitimate reasons to be sexually abstinent:
1. I am uncomfortable with the idea of sexual activity/physical intimacy at the moment.
Not everyone is ready for physical intimacy at the exact same time - I have pretty much always been comfortable with it since forever, but some people find it confronting to be touchy feely and feel like they need to grow up a bit more, or get to know people a bit more, or just you know...get into it later. There's really no rush.
2. I haven't met anyone I want to be intimate or sexual with.
IT IS OF EXTREME IMPORTANCE that you are comfortable with anyone you might be physically close or sexually involved with, and are secure that they know and respect boundaries and contraception and personal values and consent and all that business. If you haven't met those kind of people yet firstly - you will - and secondly - it's okay to wait until you find people you really want to be close to.
3. I'm just not interested in being sexually active right now.
Becoming sexually active can be quite an intimidating prospect and requires a lot of maturity and responsibility; again, it's not really possible without the discussion of boundaries and values and consent and contraception and all that other stuff. Some people think it's not very important to their current stage of life, and others just don't want that responsibility yet. Which is a personal and perfectly fine decision.
Slightly more problematic reasons to be sexually abstinent:
1. I don't want to worry about sexually transmitted infections or unwanted pregnancies.
Regardless of whether or not you are sexually active it is VERY IMPORTANT that you are in the know about STIs and unwanted pregnancies and how to prevent them. In theory abstinence gives you probably more control over your sexuality than is realistically possible; things happen. There might be a game-changer or a sudden change of heart and you want to be well versed in these sexuality topics whether or not you intend to become sexually active in the near future. And lapses in judgement and unwanted sexual interactions happen and it is very important that you stay informed and stay safe. So even if you are planning on delaying your sexual debut it is VERY VERY IMPORTANT you understand contraception and consent and your options after you have sex, after you get pregnant or an STI, or after you are raped or sexually assaulted.
2. Religion.
I know a lot of people cite religion as a reason to be sexually abstinent, particularly abstinent until marriage. My issues with religion and sexuality is a whole other can of worms but all I wanted to say is this:
i. What is the ideology behind sexual abstinence in your religion?
A lot of religions preach this wholesome innocent stay safe and not-pregnant message of sexual abstinence that is actually rooted in a lot of fearmongering, lies and misconceptions about sexuality and contraception, misogyny, sexism, homophobia and patriarchy. Some people who exclusively cite religion as their main guide for sexual morality also have a tendancy to adopt homophobic, sexist or sex-negative attitudes towards sexuality which isn't very healthy for anybody.
ii. Social pressure.
Contrary to popular belief not all religious denominations and not all religious people condemn premarital sexual activity; in fact, many religious people maintain a safe, healthy sex life before and after marriage. If there is extensive social pressure within your religious community to remain abstinent, especially if there is villification of sexuality or sexually active people or contradictions between religious teachings and sexual health facts, it is probably worth considering whether or not the very personal decision to be abstinent is actually a personal decision or just a result of peer pressure and conformity.
iii. Don't let religion do the thinking for you.
When I made the (quite silly, considering who I am) decision to be 'abstinent' until marriage (and yes, I am one of the many abstinence failure stories) I made that decision out of the complex mind-fuck of depression and insecurity and body image issues. I felt like I had no control over my sexuality and sexual relationships at all; I was almost jealous of my more conservative friends who used religion as a justification for their relationships or lack thereof. It just seemed easier to pretend that not getting the attention I wanted was a proactive decision, and it helped to mask some of my insecurities, but in the end it only really exacerbated my total feelings of worthlessness and undesirability, which really sucked the big one. You can't let ideology do the thinking for you; your sexuality is your own, and whilst some things feel overwhelming and uncontrollable it is important to maintain your own beliefs and values based on informed opinion.
3. I don't want people to think I'm a [insert slut shaming insult here]/I'm afraid of unwanted attention/if I'm open about being open to sexual activity how can I say no?
All dichotomies are fales dichotomies and as I said not being sexually abstinent does not mean that you don't have the right to say no, the right to set boundaries, the right to expect respect and consent and all of that. It might seem easier to just be like NOPE DON'T COME NEAR ME PUT THAT AWAY PLEASE but that decision isn't right for everybody.
BAD reasons for being sexually abstinent:
1. I'm not getting any action so I'm going to pretend my current situation is my idea.
I DID THIS. IT IS NOT THE SMARTEST IDEA. A better idea is to sort out what you really feel is and isn't okay for you sexually, and to accept that just because you are open to physical intimacy doesn't mean that at every stage of life you're going to be able to faciliate that intimacy and THAT IS OKAY. IT IS NOBODY'S FAULT. OKAY?
2. Sex is wrong/immoral/dirty/only sluts have sex/I'm better than that.
I think the biggest problem that the sex-positive community has with abstinent people are abstinent people who like to use their self-proclaimed resistance as a moral highground, or a platform to abuse, insult and humiliate people who don't share their beliefs and values. Slut shaming is a HUGE problem, and is especially prevalent amongst people who consider themselves sexually abstinent. If you don't want to get down with it, that's fine, but be aware that it is a personal decision, you can't make that decision for other people, and there is nothing good or bad about being or not being sexually abstinent.
Issues the sex positive community has with abstinence and abstinent people:
1. Abstinence education is utter bullshit.
I think I covered this pretty well but abstinence education is totally different to the personal decision to be abstinent in that it actively stigmatises sex, villifies sexually active people and creates an atmosphere of fear and shame around sex through lies and fear. Sexuality is a personal decision and I think to cover people of all ages, sexes, genders, orientations, expressions, walks of life, stages of life, beliefs, values...the only way forward is factual, sex-positive, comprehensive sex education.
2. Abstinence culture can be conducive to slut shaming.
Abstinence is a choice. A very personal one, and there are many reasons why people are voluntarily and involuntarily celibate. It is important no matter what you choose to do in terms of sexual activities and the level of physical intimacy that you are comfortable with that you accept that everyone is different, and to give people the respect and trust to make their own personal decisions about their own personal lives. I am someone who is not comfortable with the idea of being abstinent until marriage, but I go to great lengths to make sure I don't unintentionally insult or shame people who think that that is the right decision for them. Conversely, it is very important for people who are abstinent, even if they take abstinence seriously, to avoid slut shaming or being condescending of other peoples sexualities and sexual behaviours.
3. Abstinence and comprehensive sex education should mix. But sometimes they don't.
A lot of people think that just because they have decided not to engage in certain activities that they don't need to be in the know and that is very, very dangerous; it is the main reason why 'abstinent' teens have the highest rates of unwanted pregnancies and STIs. It is important to be aware that for many people human nature and enforced prohibition of sexual activities doesn't always mix, and you are very likely to change your mind and your attitude towards sex, especially as you get older and more mature and more sexually aware. It is important to note that even if you remain committed to abstinence lapses in judgement do happen as well as, tragically, nonconsensual sexual congress such as rape, sexual assault or pressure to engage in sexual activities from partners and from society. So whether you are sexually active or not, or whether you plan to be sexually active or not, make sure you pay attention and get informed about sexuality. Because whether you are sexually active or not, it is important to recognise that you are a sexual being and all the people around you are sexual beings, and being human can be unpredictable. But also kind of exciting.
Stay tuned and stay beautiful.
PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW
Tuesday, July 02, 2013
speak now #13: tumblr launch and my favourite internet haunts.
Now Playing: People Help the People by Birdy (those hard-faced queens of misadventure, God knows what is hiding in those weak and sunken lives, fiery thrones of muted angels, giving love but getting nothing back)
Soo...I have a tumblr. You can get to it here, plus there are links on the index page and at the bottom of every speak now post. Keep in mind that I'm still a relatively new tumblypoo and I'm very bad at technology. I will be reposting every speak now on my tumblr page, plus I'll be reblogging feminism and sexuality-related stuff. You can ask me anything on that 'ask me anything' section and I will answer it here and on tumblr. And if you follow me, I'll follow you! (and then I'll unfollow you if you're a fuckwit).
I just wanted to share with you some of my favourite sex-positive webspaces that gave me a lot of comfort and a sense of community when I was working out my sexuality and feeling very alone in an environment where sex was very hush-hush and taboo. I'm sure I'll forget some of them and I'll add more as an afterthought, but here goes: (in no particular order)
SEX+
I LOVE LACI GREEN. I can't remember how I stumbled across her but oh boy, she is the sex-positive icon and her webspaces are a safe haven with a generous side of humour.
LACI GREEN'S TUMBLR
...Did I mention I love Laci Green?
A NAKED NOTION
Laci Green + Planned Parenthood = suck it, abstinence education and religious indoctrination. We're ridding the world of STIs and unwanted pregnancies the real way.
VLOGBROTHERS
I very recently became a nerdfighter and I love the vlogbrothers and nerdfighteria because it's such a liberal, open community, and one of the few online communities where acceptance and tolerance are really blatant themes. The main vlogbrothers channel isn't heavily focused on sexuality, but it is mentioned in a handful of videos, especially in regards to homophobia and the acceptance of gay marriage.
JOHN GREEN'S TUMBLR
Again, not extremely sexuality-oriented by nonetheless a safe sex-positive webspace. Also I kind of have a crush on John Green.
SEXPLANATIONS
Produced by Hank Green and hosted by Dr Lindsey Doe, Sexplanations is a relatively new but extremely valuable sex-positive resource that I am loving.
CRASH COURSE
Non-biased, non-prejudiced, fun and engaging crash courses in world history, U.S. history, chemistry, biology, ecology and English literature. And, of course, the inevitable sex and gender that comes with all of the above.
SCISHOW
I'm not a very science-minded person so I find these short trivia snippets easier to digest than the sciencey crash course series. Sexuality does pop up sporadically.
SCARLETEEN
A free American sex education website aimed at filling in the gaps of conventional sex education. Awesome resource, especially for teenagers.
FEMINIST FREQUENCY
A lot of people ask me what my academic training and work is like and this is the closest example I can think of. Anita Sarkeesian is a super awesome, inspirational person who has dealt with way too much cybercrap when she deserves our respect. She's a kick-ass feminist, a kick-ass academic and I love her. Very much.
SAVAGE LOVE
Savage Love is an internationally syndicated sex column and podcast by the one and only Dan Savage. Crass, crude, and totally NSFW, but it provides a brutally honest and compassionately frank discussion of all the sexy taboos - homosexuality, fetishes, sex toys, masturbation, relationship problems, monogamy, etc etc etc. Reading Savage Love has not only provided me with hours of entertainment but also helped me normalise things that I used to find weird or gross about sexuality. Also, I have a crush on Dan Savage.
DAN SAVAGE ON YOUTUBE
Clips from Dan Savage's tours of colleges. Very funny and very honest advice.
IT GETS BETTER PROJECT
The It Gets Better Project is a powerful and inspiring initiative to bring hope and courage to LGBTIQ people with the simple, universal message of no matter how bad things are, it always gets better.
HANNAH WITTON
A miniseries discussing sex and addressing the gaps in sex education, aimed at a UK audience.
WIKIPEDIA
Don't laugh, I know it sounds stupid but Wikipedia is a fantastically factual and non-judgemental resource to look up things like terminology (which, let's face it, can get very confusing once you go beyond man/woman straight/gay) as well as information about birth control and other things like that. I know a lot of people use Wikipedia as a sexuality resource, especially LGBT people or people who don't have access to comprehensive sex education.
I use all these resources extensively both in maintaining my own sexual health and adding to my own personal knowledge of human sexuality, but also in writing Speak Now - you'll notice I add lots of videos after lots of the posts, and that's the result of scouring all of my favourite youtube channels for fun, informative videos about sexuality. If you know of any other sex-positive webspaces and internet resources, please let me know!
I think that's it. Stay tuned and stay beautiful!
PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW
Soo...I have a tumblr. You can get to it here, plus there are links on the index page and at the bottom of every speak now post. Keep in mind that I'm still a relatively new tumblypoo and I'm very bad at technology. I will be reposting every speak now on my tumblr page, plus I'll be reblogging feminism and sexuality-related stuff. You can ask me anything on that 'ask me anything' section and I will answer it here and on tumblr. And if you follow me, I'll follow you! (and then I'll unfollow you if you're a fuckwit).
I just wanted to share with you some of my favourite sex-positive webspaces that gave me a lot of comfort and a sense of community when I was working out my sexuality and feeling very alone in an environment where sex was very hush-hush and taboo. I'm sure I'll forget some of them and I'll add more as an afterthought, but here goes: (in no particular order)
SEX+
I LOVE LACI GREEN. I can't remember how I stumbled across her but oh boy, she is the sex-positive icon and her webspaces are a safe haven with a generous side of humour.
LACI GREEN'S TUMBLR
...Did I mention I love Laci Green?
A NAKED NOTION
Laci Green + Planned Parenthood = suck it, abstinence education and religious indoctrination. We're ridding the world of STIs and unwanted pregnancies the real way.
VLOGBROTHERS
I very recently became a nerdfighter and I love the vlogbrothers and nerdfighteria because it's such a liberal, open community, and one of the few online communities where acceptance and tolerance are really blatant themes. The main vlogbrothers channel isn't heavily focused on sexuality, but it is mentioned in a handful of videos, especially in regards to homophobia and the acceptance of gay marriage.
JOHN GREEN'S TUMBLR
Again, not extremely sexuality-oriented by nonetheless a safe sex-positive webspace. Also I kind of have a crush on John Green.
SEXPLANATIONS
Produced by Hank Green and hosted by Dr Lindsey Doe, Sexplanations is a relatively new but extremely valuable sex-positive resource that I am loving.
CRASH COURSE
Non-biased, non-prejudiced, fun and engaging crash courses in world history, U.S. history, chemistry, biology, ecology and English literature. And, of course, the inevitable sex and gender that comes with all of the above.
SCISHOW
I'm not a very science-minded person so I find these short trivia snippets easier to digest than the sciencey crash course series. Sexuality does pop up sporadically.
SCARLETEEN
A free American sex education website aimed at filling in the gaps of conventional sex education. Awesome resource, especially for teenagers.
FEMINIST FREQUENCY
A lot of people ask me what my academic training and work is like and this is the closest example I can think of. Anita Sarkeesian is a super awesome, inspirational person who has dealt with way too much cybercrap when she deserves our respect. She's a kick-ass feminist, a kick-ass academic and I love her. Very much.
SAVAGE LOVE
Savage Love is an internationally syndicated sex column and podcast by the one and only Dan Savage. Crass, crude, and totally NSFW, but it provides a brutally honest and compassionately frank discussion of all the sexy taboos - homosexuality, fetishes, sex toys, masturbation, relationship problems, monogamy, etc etc etc. Reading Savage Love has not only provided me with hours of entertainment but also helped me normalise things that I used to find weird or gross about sexuality. Also, I have a crush on Dan Savage.
DAN SAVAGE ON YOUTUBE
Clips from Dan Savage's tours of colleges. Very funny and very honest advice.
IT GETS BETTER PROJECT
The It Gets Better Project is a powerful and inspiring initiative to bring hope and courage to LGBTIQ people with the simple, universal message of no matter how bad things are, it always gets better.
HANNAH WITTON
A miniseries discussing sex and addressing the gaps in sex education, aimed at a UK audience.
WIKIPEDIA
Don't laugh, I know it sounds stupid but Wikipedia is a fantastically factual and non-judgemental resource to look up things like terminology (which, let's face it, can get very confusing once you go beyond man/woman straight/gay) as well as information about birth control and other things like that. I know a lot of people use Wikipedia as a sexuality resource, especially LGBT people or people who don't have access to comprehensive sex education.
I use all these resources extensively both in maintaining my own sexual health and adding to my own personal knowledge of human sexuality, but also in writing Speak Now - you'll notice I add lots of videos after lots of the posts, and that's the result of scouring all of my favourite youtube channels for fun, informative videos about sexuality. If you know of any other sex-positive webspaces and internet resources, please let me know!
I think that's it. Stay tuned and stay beautiful!
PREVIOUS SPEAK NOW
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