expendable

Now Playing: On My Own by Lea Salonga (without me his world will go on turning, a world that's full of happiness that I have never known)

In Korea sometimes I would wake in the middle of the night in such unspeakable pain that I became very good at tracking down Tylenol in total darkness and swallowing them dry. Pain is an old friend of mine, ever present to remind me of humility.

But there's one pain that stands out from the rest. Feeling expendable, feeling like nobody really needs you or wants you...it's a constant insecurity that I hate about myself, but all too often my silly and irrational fears turn out to be not so silly and irrational after all. People who swear they will never leave me are gone in a heartbeat. People who say they will always be there for me are never there when I need them. If I've become a liar, it's only because I don't trust anything anyone says anymore, and so I forget that some people are a little more naive. Or, I should say, decent.

It's just that I rely on so many people. I've dreamed for so long of becoming independent and self-sufficient and I know that is a dream that will never come true. I rely on doctors to keep me alive, so many people to get me through the day, so many more people to keep me sane. And I wouldn't feel so guilty, so dependent, so helpless, if I could say that just one person needs me as much as I need them.

In some ways I hate myself, hate myself for failing. I have turned my back on everything that I cannot do, things that remind me of my own shortcomings. Except there's one thing you can't get rid of, is there? People. People are my greatest failing. I love too easily, I hate too much, I hold grudges against the pettiest slights and forgive the gravest faults. I need people and push them away, I drive people insane and people drive me insane. I know how people and society works better than most people but I totally don't understand why things are the way they are.

I'm afraid of a lot of people. Part of it is because I am physically small and week, and most of my friends are much bigger and stronger than me - I don't like thinking about that, but I do. But because I don't understand people, and people don't understand me...I know I come off as very irrational to a lot of people. I am, irrational, but a lot of stuff does actually make sense in my head, believe it or not. But...other people seem irrational, too me. They get angry at things I would never get angry at, they are easygoing with things I'd fight to the death to get my way in. Even with my closest friends I feel like I'm treading on eggshells because I never know when they're going to snap. It's not that I'm friends with people who are particularly violent or touchy, it's just that I have no sense of what does and doesn't piss people off because it's just so different to what annoys and doesn't annoy me.

It's never seemed too much to ask to have some kind of reliability, to expect in people some kind of stability. If you want to leave, just leave. If you want to stay, stay. I guess I'm beyond caring either way.