Age

I was considering writing this on one of my private blogs, mostly because there are some eyes that may not like this post. I'll give you a hint - these eyes are big, bright, piercing blue-grey, and I used to dream about them.

I will be thirteen in twenty-five days exactly. But what does that mean? Does it mean that, suddenly, I get older? Does it mean I'm a different person? Am I suddenly going to get smarter or dumber, prettier or uglier?

The owner of the blue-grey eyes is twenty-seven days younger than me - yet he seems so much older in some ways, yet so much younger in others, much more than twenty seven days, sometimes. For one, he's huge - 132 lbs and 5'9" and he has such a big personality, such a big ego. He has lots of girlfriends and lots of girls vying for his attentions - I was one of them, and I almost won. It takes a very mature boy to love women and girls the way he does.

But in other ways, he was so young. He was very naive, and he had no idea I was hurting until I cried. I wanted apologies, but because he was too...young to know what was wrong, he didn't apologise, and it was only after the tears until I got the apologies.

But it takes a mature person to act how he did - that eventful field trip. It takes someone who knows what he's doing to toy with my attentions, to play with everything he had that I so desperately wanted.

The teachers praised him for his maturity and charisma, which seemed to just radiate out of him. I think he is mature in some ways, yet so immature in others. He's a very different boy to the rest, the boy I fell in love with.

So what marks adulthood? When does a girl become a woman? The first time she gets her heart broken? Or is it something else? When does a boy become a man? Is it the first time he has the capability of loving a woman? Do birthdays have any significance? Is there any point in celebrating each year as it passes by, or is it just an excuse to get spoiled and receive gifts?

As far as some people are concerned, my childhood ends in exactly twenty five days time. Some say I have years to go, some says my childhood has already left me, and some say that childhood never leavess you. I personally think I have no childhood to give up, and those who I want to know know why. Childhood is not something that is until a particular point where you suddenly cease to be a child - childhood is a luxury, a privelege, that many must live without.

I've made many posts about the boy with the blue-grey eyes, on both this blog and my others, but this will be the last. It seems sad that I have to leave him in the past when I wish I could bring him into my future, but this is something I owe myself. I've shed too many tears over this boy, lost too many sleepless nights over him. My heart has been battered and bruised over him, and I never gave up.

But now, I'm moving on. Enough is enough. Many people have urged me to just forget about him for a while now, but I had to do this in my own time. I had to write about it, get it all out of my heart, listen to music, and cry those last tears away.

If the owner of those eyes is reading this, this is my message to you: If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to talk to, call me - because even though all of this has happened to me, this isn't entirely your fault, and I'm still your friend. Don't think me too melodramatic over it, because this is how I see things and you can't help that - this is the truth as I see it. But if you ever contact me again, please, don't mention the past or this post, please. I'm not going to talk about it again, but if you want to hear more about it, I suggest you listen to the lyrics of How to Save a Life by The Fray closely - and think about it from my perspective. But don't come running to me if you want another girl on your arm, because that girl is not me. And don't feel obligated to contact me - I'll understand if you're not ready, or simply don't want to.