Pride.

I'm blogging a lot today.

I just need to clear something up. Something that's been bothering me for a while.

A lot of people are under the impression that I'm a huge show-off - and I am, I suppose. But let me explain.

All my life, I have never quite fit in - I don't fit in with my family, or any of the godzillion cliques that have flitted by, or any group or organization. I was just the weirdo. The creep. I was either too good for them, or not good enough.

And you try it - you try fitting in with a bunch of girls who care about nothing but makeup and hair irons, or with a family who are all brilliant at maths. It's hard. On the outside, I've always outwardly embraced my weirdness - but I don't. Not really. If you're not in my shoes, you don't know what it's like to wish you were just normal, for once. Not too good at this and not too bad for that. Just...normal. Acceptable.

Whenever someone praised me, it was always for something I had or something I did - I was praised for my writing, my sense of humour, for this and for that, always *because* of something. But no-one ever gushed about me because I was me.

I wanted praise because I was who I am - instead, everyone just tried to change me. And when I never got it, I started praising myself.

No-one told me I was pretty - or if they did, they didn't believe it, so I hardly did - so I told myself I was pretty. When people told me I was smart, they always said it in a bad way - that I was too smart, like it was some kind of disease. So I told myself I was smart, and that it was a good thing.

People say I'm desperate for a boyfriend - and I guess I am, I won't deny it anymore. But not for all the reasons everyone thinks. It's just that...all my friends are either in love and something's actually going to work out, or going out with someone, and I feel left out. I wish someone would text 'I love you' to me, just like they do to my best friend. When I hear all those songs about people falling in love, it just makes me cry. I can't write romance or read Twilight anymore - it's too hard. I know boys aren't anywhere near as good as Edward Cullen, but I know some of them are pretty damn close.

I won't bull about it - I'm a very insecure person. And it's not something I can snap out of easily - I'm working on it, very hard, but every now and then someone says something that just pushes me over the edge. It's like telling an anorexic person that they're fat - it's hardly going to help them recover, is it?

I don't know where it came from, but suddenly all these *negative* thoughts just engulfed me, and soon I was drowning in my imperfections. Was it because I was fat? Because I had acne? Because I liked reading and writing? Because I was bad at sport and maths and science? Was it what I wore?

People tried to assure me that wasn't it, but I couldn't stop it. It's just something that nags me all the time: if I wasn't so weird then maybe my friends would last longer than six months. If I wasn't so weird maybe I would have a boyfriend by now. If I wasn't so weird then...everything would be better.

I was really insecure when I was twelve - I had temper outbursts and nervous breakdowns, and I was always in tears over something or someone. Over the holidays, away from everyone and just with the positive influence of my family, who have tried to accept me for who I am as best they can, I grew more confident.

And then, when I got to school, people said I was too boastful. Too arrogant. Insolent. Show-off. Freak. Nerd. Bitch. Slut.

And now I'm back to where I was.

I wish I could believe people when they compliment me, and not believe them when they pick on me. I wish I was more accepted and not so weird. I wish boys wouldn't turn me down before they even got to know me, or get swayed by what their friends say about me rather than what I say about myself.

People say get over it - but it's so hard. It's like anorexia or something - when I'm not down, I just laugh it off and say it's pathetic and silly, bu when I *am* down, it's like nothing can drag me out of it.

On the bright side, I have my writing - if I couldn't write I probably would have engaged in petty crime or something a long time ago. And I can connect with music - it helps to get it off my chest.

See, something just as simple as that statement would have people instantly saying I'm showing off. But how can they say that? Do they like pushing me off the edge? Do they like seeing me depressed? Do they like seeing me cry?

I think they do.