Forgiveness.

Now Playing: Tomorrow by Avril Lavigne (when you say that it's going to be, it always turns out to be a different way)

I have never forgiven anyone before. I pretend to, sometimes, if someone is worth enough and if their offence did not destroy me completely. But it never leaves my head, never ceases to prey on me, and eventually I will forget without forgiving, or it will rear its ugly head again when the inevitable goodbyes come.

I don't understand people, and like all human beings I am suspicious of what I don't understand. I can only work off of what I know, and what I know is that the people who hurt you will hurt you again given half the chance. I have learned to run away instead of risk being hurt again; when you're as frightened and confused by people and how they think and what they do as I am, it's the only way out. I'm always caught in the heat of the moment and I constantly have to rely on people to be the better man, to look out for me, at the very least not stab me in the back. And when they don't, I can't trust them.

But there's a downside to running away. It becomes second instinct, to fly at warning bells, and it's left me very lonely. I have lost so many friends and I have become too paranoid and frightened to make new ones, because nobody has proven me wrong, proven that people can stay and not hurt you. And I do become attached to people, whether you believe me or not; I know people think I am a bit aloof and distant. The only way to cut yourself off isn't just physical isolation but emotional estrangement; you have to let the bad things take over, remind yourself of what they've done and what they'll do if you stay. Remind yourself of how stupid you were to get in so deep, how naive you were to let things happen, and what bad luck you had to ever know that that person ever existed. In this swirl of bitterness and resentment good memories are drowned, lost to your memory forever. It's not pleasant for anyone, really, but the pain goes away eventually. I am easy to forget, and my love is easy to dispose of. Eventually you find someone else, you find it in you to let someone else in, and the pain goes away and the cycle starts again. People lie, and then they leave.

In the beginning running was supposed to be a kind of revenge - I wanted to hurt them with my absence, to make them feel guilty and lonely. It always stung that none of the people I have run away from missed me, none of them tried to call me back. Perhaps they did, but I can't remember. It wasn't enough to sway me, anyway. The hardest part of walking away is that it's so easy. Most of my ambition is just wanting to be the kind of person people would be afraid to lose. I wanted more than anything to make people regret what they have done to me. So far, no such luck.

But somehow I have managed to find people I cannot bear to let go of. You can cut off your love when you realise that someone doesn't love you back, although it's always a blow to realise that they don't particularly give a shit either way. But it's harder when you realise that somebody loves you back, that a friendship is as precious to them as it is to you, when your intentions to drop everything and leave are somewhat inhibited by their desire to try and hold on. The kind of people who, no matter what they have done to me, cannot deserve what I have done to so many others. And I am trying to forgive, trying to move on, but it's so hard. I'm trying, but I don't know how. I have never forgiven before, only run away. It used to be that the latter was the easy option but now neither of them seem particularly endurable.

I used to believe people when they said sorry. It didn't matter, I ran away anyway, but I believed them. It was a revenge of sorts, to take their apology and spit it back in their face. But I suppose when you act like it's insincere all apologies become insincere; I can't let go of the fact that apologies are not guarantees that it will never happen again. I know people don't mean to hurt me, but sometimes carelessness hurts more than malice. If I mattered more you would have taken more care to not hurt me, if hurting me seems to be the default.

And when I say I have never forgiven anyone, that includes me. I have never forgiven myself, and no matter how hard you think I am being on you I have never been harder on anyone than myself. I have not forgiven myself for all my failures, for all my shortcomings, for all the friends I have let slip through my fingers. I have not forgiven myself for not being good enough for people to love, I have not forgiven myself for not being worthy enough for people to not hurt.

I have never had a best friend - it's one of those things I've tried, and I am so jealous of other people who actually have people who give a fuck about them, but...just the word 'friend' has become so shallow, so fragile, I think we are all craving something more. I used to call people I really loved my best friends but I couldn't tell you where half of them are now. I stopped, after a while, because there are only so many best friends you can lose before you go insane. But now I'm even more terrified of people saying it to me, because they're going to take it back and break my heart again. I though I had been to hell and back, relationship wise, but nothing quite compares to that. I have never had a best friend, but all of my friends are best friends. Of other people. Never me.

That's not true, actually. I did have a best friend once, apparently. It took me by surprise and for the longest time I didn't dare say it, as if it was just an illusion that would break if I said it. And it did. The moment I said it it vanished, disappeared into thin air, and the carpet was pulled out from under my feet again. So much for best friendship, huh.

Maybe the reason why I can't forgive that is that I can't forgive myself. I can't forgive myself for being the kind of person people push away with months of lies and excuses. I can't forgive myself for not being a better friend. I can't forgive myself for letting things slip through my fingers. I always had such a high opinion of my love but I suppose I really am a terrible friend.

Trust and forgiveness is a vicious fucking cycle. I never trusted anyone because they let me down and because I can't trust anyone they let me down, and now that I've been let down I really can't trust them. I'm trying, so hard, to build my relationships up to something they...they never really were, to be honest. I know people don't mean anything they say to me. But I'm trying, so hard, to make everyone happy; including myself. But it's confusing when you want someone back but you can't trust anything they say. My lie detector is so fucked I find myself doubting my closest friends and trusting total strangers and I really have no idea what I'm doing. I'm becoming obsessive and paranoid and, to be honest, that was what was happening when I was being 'distant' - I was just trying to hide how much I cared about you so I wouldn't have to endure another attack again. I mean, I did anyway, so I don't know why I bothered, because I lost a friend. I lost a friend, and they won, all the people who tried to drive us apart. They won and I was trying so hard to prove them wrong, that I was good enough for you.

I have always valued sincerity above all things; if I've kept you and loved you it's because you have always been sincere, to me, and I cannot thank you enough for that. But now I'm terrified, not of what you might say, but all the things you'll say and then take back, because if it happens again I don't think I can take it. I want you to say it, I want you to tell the whole world that we are best friends and they can all go fuck themselves, just like you used to, but I don't know how to make myself trust you the next time you say it. I'm not trapped in the past, I'm haunted by it. And call me selfish, but I can't afford to get hurt again.