"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Old Man

I miss you, old man
Even with all the boundaries you pushed
And all the lines you crossed

Even with all the fear inspired 
By doppelgängers and nightmares 
And the revulsion swirling like poison in my belly
At the thought of your hands on me

When you reduced me to the child
I killed and buried a decade ago

I became that child again
Too hungry to care

You did not know me then, old man
But I was 24601
Breaking window panes
For a mouthful of bread 

I am not the angel you supposed me to be, old man
I do not care much at all for the corpses
I extract my cold comfort from

I was hunting for balm for my broken heart
But you only broke it again

And now perhaps that boy you were so jealous of
Will not be the cause of envy for much longer

I have never felt so alone

And in the depths of my despair
I hope you still despair for me

If from your misery I can extract some
Cold cruel joy
That would be the closest anyone has come
To making me happy

I have never lived in a world of
Forgive and forget
Forgive me, I am too bitter for that
I live in a world of revenge and vengeance
And grim satisfaction is my only happiness

Take an eye for an eye
Turn your heart into stone
This is all I have lived for
This is all I have known

I know you did not expect this of me, old man
But it is no less than what I am
And no less than you deserve 

I don't want to be alone anymore, old man
But an eternity of loneliness and longing 
Is infinitely preferable to your company 

My first love of mosaic broken hearts
Has at least given me 
The kind of vanity 
That will protect me 

Even in the slums of loneliness
I am too proud for you
And even in the shackles of insecurity
I am too wild for you 

Even a whore who has gone to the bad
Won't be had by a rat.  

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