"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

'we are all differently broken, semi-functional, rusted out love machines'

Now Playing: Terrible Love by The Nationals (it takes an ocean not to break) 

A lot of people ask me why I'm so open about...well, a lot of things. Problems. People. Et cetera.

I myself have never found a way around being open; I have always found that people are obsessed with creating their own reasons to why things are, and, well, some of the things they say are breathtakingly insulting, heartbreakingly painful or just ludicrously stupid.

I'm open about who I am, what I've been through, the problems I have and my thousand deviations from 'normal' because I feel like people demand this openness of me. I have to explain why I am what I am, constantly defend my actions, legitimise things that shouldn't even be things.

We live in a world where we think that this 'normal ideal' exists, that most parts of most people are the same. We live in a world where you're not allowed to be sad unless something universally accepted as terrible has happened, and we live in a world where you are obligated to be happy in the absence of something universally accepted as terrible. We allow social norms and public opinion to fabricate fake emotions and dismiss real ones. We live in a world where everything we do is only validated by what is 'normal'.

I'm not normal. How I feel is almost totally detached yet all at once deeply connected with the world around me. People don't understand why I do the things I do; I don't understand the things I do. People are obsessed with reason, with why, with the problem of why I'm not normal. I'm not normal because normal doesn't exist. It's this lie we tell ourselves, that everyone cries at this and everyone laughs at that and when people can't, or don't, we just can't cope. Never has anyone thought of me as an individual; never has it occurred to people that I don't see the world the way someone normal would; the world affects me in ways it probably never occurred to you, and big deals to you are nothing to me.

But I am not the exception to the rule; the only rule there is, really, when it comes to people, is that everyone is an exception. Everyone has their own reasons, their own motivations, their own way of being and it is maliciously cruel and heartbreakingly selfish that we try and impose what should be on people who cannot...cannot be as they should be.

I talk about why things are the way they are with me because I am constantly stung by the lack of empathy. I was always taught to not talk about what you don't know and, well, I can count on one hand all the people who have bothered to get to know me. People have told me that I'm obsessively, unhealthily attached to people purely based on a few subtle things I do when people leave; they don't know what it's like, to be hit in the stomach by this feeling of dread, to have the tears come and have no idea why - and it happens, every time, totally detached from who I meet or what happened. I don't know why I get so stressed and anxious and I don't know why the release from that feels terrible and not good. I just want someone - anyone - to stay, to put that off for as long as possible. Forgive me for being human.

I have no idea why emotional stability is considered a good or normal thing. People who are emotionally stable are by definition pretty emotionless, and the only thing worse than fighting with someone you love is fighting with a brick wall. I'm not going to pretend to be emotionally stable because you're so fucking terrified of what you don't understand. Is that why people are so terrified of science? Is that why people are so terrified of a godless world? There are so many things we don't understand, starting with every single person you've ever met and judged and hated without getting to know. I can't do what people expect me to do; I can't be the person people think I'm supposed to be. I can't let myself down like that, and even if I could, I can't. I can't do it. I don't like being this randomly crying, volatile person but it is exhaustingly empty to pretend to be what people want me to be, which is essentially nothing. People want me to smile and cry on demand and I can't do that. Nobody can.

That's the thing, you know. Nobody is normal; we all know that about ourselves, and we're terrified of it - so terrified that we will actively persecute and ostracise people who are broken in a different way as if to say 'I'm not crazy, she's the crazy'. When people are done making me feel shit about the things about me that I can't control they move on to my friends; and sometimes, I can't defend them. I don't know why they do the things they do. But I love them all the same because, you know, they love me in spite of everything. And people like that are few and far between.

I've been hurt. The things that have hurt me might not have hurt you, but you're not me. I did not realise how badly I have been hurt until now, when the smallest things are daunting and I am afraid. I will find some kind of equilibrium in time, although I will never be normal. That might bother you, but I'm not in the business of making everyone happy. But...I know the power of words and whispers. I am afraid that people will see me and judge, and that judgement will spread like poison and take those I love away from me. I'm afraid that people will be afraid to be seen with me, to associate with me, when I am blatantly incapable of maintaining an appropriate facade. I have many flaws, as a person and as a friend, but I have never failed anybody on this account: we are all differently broken, semi-functional, rusted out love machines. Everyone is a volatile element and there is no guessing who will react to what in what way. People by nature are dangerous and uncontrollable and unpredictable but I have never held that against anyone, and I never will. I only hope I will find people to return the favour.

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