Sometimes I get very disappointed with the world we live in.
I don't know whether it's the city or the country or the whole world, but people are very hypocritical.
You see, people seem to think that I had a choice as to what talents I get blessed with, and I deliberately chose an abnormal and obscure and weird one just to annoy them - just like they used to think that women had all the control in the world over childbearing and that they don't bear sons simply because they don't want to. I didn't have a choice, okay? None of us did. If I had a choice I would be beautiful and the envy of the globe and born into a rich family and grow up and have a wonderful kiss-your-feet worshipping hot husband and beautiful babies. I didn't choose to have a heart condition, okay? So don't blame me for it. I didn't choose to be big or smart or have spots on my face or weird slitty eyes. I didn't choose to be that obscure overachieving English freak, okay? It's just who I am. And when people say that I'm emo and depressive and self-deprecating with the self esteem of a shoelace, then think for a moment how hard it is to be a teenager in this world, a teenager who loves herself when the world doesn't love her. When I'm proud of myself I'm being obnoxious. When I'm being humble I'm being depressive. I can't please everyone, okay? I write. I'm damn good at it. I love it. It's all I have - I simply can't do anything else. And so if you're one of those people who's rich and pretty and good at everything that is okay to be good at and bad at everything 'uncool' or whatever the fucking hell you call it these days, then consider this before you laugh at that fat Asian chick who's beating you in every exam. None of us have a choice who we are and what we're born into. Do you think the children of drug dealers and mass murderers have a choice? Do you think children born with mental problems and deformities had a choice? No! Why would anyone chose that, huh?
When I was little I used to think this world was so smart. We can solve problems I didn't even know existed. We could make things I couldn't even dream of. But as I have gotten older and older I become more and more confused and disappointed in a world where we cage ourselves, we, the untameable race, confine ourselves voluntarily! Perhaps our intelligence is our killer - or, rather, lack of intelligence where we need it most. We are all of us the human race, and we all have to stick together, huh? If we're an army trying to fight the enemy of the unknown then we're in the middle of a civil war, picking on our own allies. Even dogs can keep internal order better than we can.
There was once a time when men died for love, when men believed in things. What do you believe in, huh? What do you believe in?
2 comments:
You have a point there, people like to judge but then that's all they do. They say things and go on with their own lives. You're in charge of your own life girl, make the best of your talents and cherish the ones who love you!
I believe in freedom and love and intelligence. And choice and depth.
When you wrote about "having the self-esteem of a shoelace", I thought of last year's Nobel Prize winner who discovered the parts of genes which function like a shoelace, or rather the "agley".
Hypocrisy is one response to complexity. Not many people can take two or more ideas.
It's one thing to believe.
It's another to articulate your beliefs.
And it's still another to act on them.
Imagine how much harder it is when these beliefs aren't even yours - when you haven't a stake or a connection.
And actually, being self-depreciating shows a high self-esteem because it shows you can laugh at yourself and see yourself how others see you, yet maintain yourself.
And I love your thoughts on (the children of) drug dealers and mass murderers. Their heritage no more beholdens them than does yours.
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