Now Playing: No Light, No Light by Florence + the Machine (it's so easy to say it to a crowd but it's so hard, my love, to say it to you out loud)
It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I've been crying for nearly two hours and I have no idea why.
So I'm doing what I always do in moments like this. Writing.
If I've learned anything it's that problems can't be solved if words start to fail you. You will have the same fights, the same hurts, the same things will pop up over and over to kick you in the face, and each blow will be worse than the last.
So I will try and explain.
First is the humiliation. That you let things hurt you. That you aren't as strong as you want to be. That you've walked blindly into traps and now you're getting hurt, again.
Second is the rage. Blind, uncontrollable rage that has no beginning or end, no provocation and no placation. It makes me feel stupid, childish, selfish, weak. The kind of rage that makes me do stupid things, say stupid things, send stupid things to undeserving people.
Third is the frustration. Because I don't know how to explain it. Anything I say, I know you will misunderstand. I barely understand it, so how can I try and spell it out for someone else?
Fourth is that kind of restlessness, like the rolling boil of a pot about to boil over, when you are in such dire need of a shoulder to cry on, a hug, a talk, and there is nobody there. It's loneliness and anger and falling on the concrete from cloud nine all at once.
Fifth is the guilt. The guilt that you're putting people you love through all of your crap. The guilt that comes when nothing you say is exactly the truth but you can't think of anything else to say that isn't a lie. The guilt that comes when you've convinced someone you're okay but you haven't managed to convince yourself, so it's a hollow victory.
And then there is the jealousy. It's not the jealousy people think of, the kind of childish, selfish, greedy thing that turns people into schemers. I'm not scheming anything. But it's the feeling you get, that hollow, empty feeling, when you realise that whilst you're alone in a foreign country and every day is challenging, when you're low and alone and lonely and feeling forgotten and neglected, there are other people for whom you are going out of your way to make sure they're not feeling half as rotten as I do. That kind of feeling you get when you never want to hear about someone ever again because they remind you of all the times you were in need and people failed you.
I am so tired of giving so much of myself and letting myself get bled dry by everyone. Nobody can say that I am selfish. I have nothing left of myself to look out for. Everything I have, I've given it all to you. And look what I get in return.