Never Grow Up: A Letter to Thirteen Year Old Me

Now Playing: The Best Day by Taylor Swift (I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean)

Dearest Thirteen,

You've made it. High school. There's only one other boy from your primary school here, and a handful of ex-primary school inmates in the years above, so you've more or less left the past behind you. And I'm proud of you, dearest Thirteen. Because Perth Modern School isn't the kind of place where people buy their way in, and then use that against you. Things will get better.

Dearest Thirteen, this is the year of K. I...don't really know what you saw in him, dearest Thirteen, because he was never a good friend to you, and an even worse boyfriend. But you cling on, dearest Thirteen, because you're so insecure you're convinced that friendships that go wrong - and they always go wrong- are your fault. You're not the easiest person to be around, dearest Thirteen, but there's something so pure and innocent about how you treat those you love and K totally, totally took advantage of that. And getting dumped online wasn't even the worst part, dearest Thirteen, because somewhere in your selfish, childish heart you find the wisdom to see that K is like you - selfish, childish, forever tripping over his own feet and making mistakes. You realize how much of a mistake K is, how much he bleeds you dry and leaves you empty, when he won't hug you when his freinds are looking. Of all the things he's done to you, that's the one that hits you the hardest, because that mistake was hardly innocent. Eventually you get over K and what he's done, dearest Thirteen. But you spend a lot of time angry and hurt and you have every right to feel like that, but I'm so sorry. And even now I can't honestly say that I still don't miss him, just a little.

This is the year when the eating disorder hits, too. You're so frustrated you try and replace all the things you've wanted and been without for so long - friends, boys, acceptance - with food. Dearest Thirteen, I still remember that. I remember when eating was the only way to stop yourself from crying. But you're making yourself sick, dearest Thirteen, and nearly four years on I'm still trying to get better. But I don't blame you, dearest Thirteen. You're going through some shit right now. Growing up is hard. And ramen is sympathetic.

There were high points too, though, dearest Thirteen. You finally skip a grade and year nine English feels like home. Even though your teacher doesn't exactly like you and the work is hard and frustrating, you love it. You've circled every English class on your timetable and those are the periods you live for - everything else is just sitting duck.

There's a boy at the back of your English class who is the most beautiful boy you've ever seen, dearest Thirteen. K sneers and tells you that he'll never look twice at you, that he's too old and too good for you, and you believe him - I wish you didn't, dearest Thirteen. But even though you believed all that, you can't help but look. Dearest Thirteen, I've just had to teach one of my friends the important lesson of not sending emails to random strangers you don't know, so I guess now is the time to tell you not to text random strangers you don't know. But, I guess, don't worry about it, even if you're mortified you walked into that trap so easily. You're not going to believe me when I tell you that me and him are actually pretty good friends now, right? No, you won't. But it's true. He's one of the best friends I've ever had, dearest Thirteen, and he hasn't let me down like K let you down.

Dearest Thirteen, don't give up. You're on the right track, even if you sometimes lose sight of the light and the end of the tunnel. All you want is everything, and you'll get it all, all in good time. Keep writing, keep dreaming, and keep dancing around to Taylor Swift. Everything will be okay.

Love,
Nearly Seventeen.