"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Monday, January 14, 2013

rough night

Now Playing: Sophia by Laura Marling (but if I sit here and weep I'll be blown over by the slightest of breeze)

I'm having a rough night.

One of the things I've learned from having depression is that no matter how good things are going and how lucky you think you should feel, you'll always have rough nights. Nights when you cry yourself to sleep for no reason. Nights when you want to hit and hug people all at once for no reason at all.

Living away from home is sometimes fun but always hard. It's hard to feel grown up and independent when you're the youngest person in the entire institute, so young that your classmates call you 'jailbait' and your teachers just can't bring themselves to not talk down to you. But then, when you're trying to decipher Korean instructions and Korean buttons on a washing machine or trying to tell the waiter that they got your order wrong and you don't particularly want octopus and squid ink rolls it's impossible to forget how alone you are and how tough you've got to be. We have to do everything by ourselves - which I don't necessarily mind, but when you travel for an hour to the shops only to find them inexplicably closed, or you haul a huge load of laundry downstairs only to find every single machine is broken down or in use, when you've had to endure crap unhealthy food for days on end, when you have a mouth ulcer that refuses to heal, when technology is always dying on you and your friends are never there when you need to talk...sometimes it all just gets a bit too much.

It's hard not to feel like low priority a thousand miles away. My friends all have other, more immediate people to worry about. I know when someone is far away their problems don't seem quite real, or at the very least perfectly postponable. Life here is hectic and crazy and confusing, but my friends are always in my heart, always in my mind. How many of them can say that back to me? It's hard fighting with friends, but it's harder still to fight with a very close friend who is very far away.

I'm glad I'm rooming with my sister, but spending large quantities of time in a very confined space with anybody will occasionally set anyone's teeth on edge. I need alone time and it's impossible to get any here. I need to see my friends and that's impossible. And I just want someone to give me the assurance that I'm not being forgotten out here in the snow. I'm still me. I still laugh, I still cry, even if you're not here to see it. I'm still your friend.

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