that's what you get when you let your heart win.

I have never liked anyone that I have known to like me. Isn't that weird? There are so many guys that I have liked, yet it is the ones that I dislike/hate/am indifferent to/wasn't aware of their existance/thought they were gay/just friends with that choose to decide that I'm not a freak of nature.

I don't resent people for not liking me. Well, that's not entirely true. I think we all resent the disappointing result after that thrilling, surreal time of he loves me, he loves me not. But I have never blamed someone for it, never been really angry about it. When you love someone and they don't love you back, well, that's what you get when you let your heart win. For some unfathomable, unfair reason, they can wipe their hands clean and walk away. But to be angry is like being angry at God. Anger won't make them love you back. It's futile and a waste of energy.  

I have never felt guilty for not reciprocating those rare specimens of life who choose to enjoy my company. I cannot choose who I love - if I could, I wouldn't have fallen in love until, well, later...and I would have chosen a bit more wisely. But I never would have chosen any of the people who have liked me, and that's not an insult to them or me. It would be as pointless as trying to set fire to the ocean.

I resent what people I love do to me. Being in love is such a vulnerable position, and every single one of them have taken advantage of that. Could they not just take the compliment and walk away?

When you're as bitter as I am about the whole institution it is so tempting to stage some kind of revenge, to be cruel and unsympathetic. Sometimes you cannot help but feel a little disgusted, a little offended. It is so tempting to be angry about the awkwardness and embarassment they can cause. You forget that you could have been the cause of awkwardness and embarassment for so many other people. But I was eight when I first realized that love isn't always a two way street. Eight years later, nobody has proven me wrong, and if love is a gamble I would be so ridiculously in debt for the amount I have given to receive so little. I don't really have any sympathy for any boy my age who gets in that position. It's part of growing up, and quite frankly, it should have happened a long time ago. It happened to me a long time ago.

But then I remember. I remember what it's like to be rejected. I remember what it's like to be passed over for someone prettier, skinnier, smarter, blonder, better. I remember all those times that I gritted my teeth and accepted that the whole world cannot love me, but wishing, just wishing, that they could be a little nicer about it.

I don't make any rash promises like I used to. I can't promise to love everyone and anyone who comes to me. I won't say 'yes' when my heart says 'no'. But I promise I will be kinder than the boy who passed me over for my best friend. I promise I will be kinder than the boy who dumped me, online, three days after asking me out. I will be kinder than the boy who spent last summer flirting and then forgot all about it. I will be kinder than the countless boys who laughed at me, yelled at me, wanted nothing to do with me, just because I paid them the ultimate compliment.   

When I was little, I was taught to treat others how you would like to be treated. I have never been treated how I would like to be treated, how I deserve to be treated. But this is one thing where I can put aside my bitterness and my complete lack of sympathy, and be, for once, altruistic. When you want so badly for people just to be honest and kind, you can't be a hypocrite.