"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Sunday, March 18, 2012

In Pursuit of Eternal Boredom

Normality is a mere 10%, or even less, of our personality, our character, our soul, that we have in common with the rest of the world. It is not something in itself, it is just an ever-changing collection of attributes that are common and therefore mediocre. In the pursuit of normality, you become that 10%. You lose the rest. Do you understand? 90% of who you are, who you were born to be, what you could become, just lost in some fruitless battle to be accepted. You lose yourself, what makes you lovable, detestable, admirable, memorable. You just become one of many. Your soul shrinks, and sometimes, it even dies.

There's less and less to write about now. D'you think Austen and Bronte and Shakespeare would have become so famous if they wrote about people like you? You inspire nothing but pity in me. Your fear and your contempt for the unknown - we are the species who discovered the universe, but let me tell you, it was not people like you who discovered and created what makes our civilization great. 2,000 years ago Caesar fell in love with Cleopatra, and it was not because she spent her whole life in pursuit of eternal boredom. The people who rattle the bars, the people who dare to be different, the people who make a stand...they are the people who are remembered. Love, hate, passion, lust...these are the things that write history. Conformity is admirable, but a forgotten quality.

I suppose this really hit home in the latest catfight at school. I might hate being lonely, but I cannot help but feel like I am losing a piece of me when I try and be like one of them. I told someone once that my greatest fear was living a life I didn't love, in a house that was not a home with a man who was not my love. I guess that was how I felt for those few months when I belonged, when somebody could slap a label on me. I wasn't living a life that I loved, that group was not for me and they could never love me and I could never love them. The alternative is not all that much better, and I'm still trying to cope with that.  But at least I have escaped the pursuit of eternal boredom.

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