The Beauty Infants.

I've always been opposed to pageants of all sorts. There are many reasons for this. One, I am fat and ugly and proud of it - it's called being normal. Two, I only believe in competitions that are based on talent and merit - and beauty is not a talent, it's just luck. Three, I love Miss Congeniality.

I'm also opposed to the exploitation of children, for obvious reasons.

And so they've combined my two pet hates into one truly horrendous cult: child beauty pageants.

You see little kids forced into diets, botox, and the glory gory of waxing. Did anyone ask them 'hey, do you want to be a premature painful barbie doll that everyone will criticize and call plastic?' or 'do you want to die a wrinkly old hag that nobody loves?'. No. People just assume that children like being aliens doing alien things.

When I was little I wore tucked in cartoon shirts and harry high pants, just like all the other kids. We were dirty and messy and roly-poly, because we were kids. I loved dressing up, but only for ballet - my makeup obsession came later, when it was slightly more acceptable. I had a love hate relationship with my barbie dolls - I would make them stay in splits with their arms up for days, so they could FEEL MY PAIN. My favourite toy was a fat purple bunny rabbit which, with time and age, became as luminous and incandescent and breathtakingly beautiful as I grew up to be.

Child beauty pageants force children into things that they don't fully understand. Parents claim that their children like it, but it's because they don't know any better. When I was little I remember being traumatized by needles, and those injections and blood samples were to save my life - not to look pretty. Even now I can't bring myself to pluck my eyebrows, even though I'm getting too old to socially get away with it. After my heart operations I swore I would never go under the knife for something as superficial as beauty, which fades anyway if you manage to be born with some.

Kids are kids, not bits of plastic you can doll up and inject random crap into for cash and fame. I see all these dolled up girls wearing tiaras that are bigger than them and I just want to cry. All we're telling them is that all we're ever going to judge them by is how skinny they are, how pretty they are, and how much makeup they wear. What kind of message are we giving to people so young and impressionable?

Pageant moms should be ashamed of themselves. They deserve to be thrown into prison and never let out, for the good of society. Go fuck yourselves, but leave the kids alone.