I like to play fight sometimes.
There's no real harm to it, but there's this one girl who puts me in a headlock every time she sees me playfully shove someone. I've never made anybody bleed, and I've never made anyone cry because of it. Okay, one time I did, but that was to get me in trouble after I yelled at him for making one of my friends cry. So that doesn't really count.
But people don't understand that women can be the perpertrators of violence too, which is sad.
I blame mass media. We see girls hitting guys all the time, in movies, in TV shows, whatever. Which is probably where my play-fighting habit comes from, but some people take it waay too seriously. It's never okay for anyone to hit anyone with the intention to cause harm.
Some men take umbrage at this double standard. If women are all on about women's rights, why are they still picking on men? This is nitpicking, of course - only a small percentage of women are man-bashers, just like only a small percentage of men hit women - but it is true. We simply don't care about aggressive women the way we care about aggressive men.
If women want to be on par with men, then they have to be held to the same standards. If men want to be on par with women, then they have to be held to the same standards too. Bashing is okay in women, bashing is not okay in men, that's got to go. And the more trivial has to go, too - 'of course she has to shave her legs! She's a woman!' That's outta line, too.
Men and women aren't equal, not yet. We have to start working on the problems and stop pretending like they don't exist.
1 comment:
When you wrote about playfighting, something from James Vallentine came up.
"We all want everybody to be held to the same standards/accountability, but we reserve the right to break the rules for ourselves whenever we need to" was the gist of what he said.
I think this is the column he wrote today. HIs deliciously satirical humour and biting wit.
And that was in a public space like on the road, and finding out what "bad" (suboptimal in skill and in respect) drivers we are.
So what is more important: being held to the same standards or reserving those standards to be applied to ourselves, in all times and all places?
The line I draw: anything that could reasonably hurt or harm others I try not to do.
And if mass media could promote that with a degree of responsibility, then it would trickle down.
So I tried to give up playfighting at least after puberty.
And with the whole status anxiety, anything which would prevent me being taken seriously in this kyriarchial world.
Play covers a lot of things which are in a grey area, to be excused. Think of the liberty we give sportspeople. Their acts would otherwise be considered war and aggression.
Cats, dogs, dolphins and polar bears also play-fight. As do stoats and aye-aye monkeys.
* * *
Aggression specifically in relationships.
There is a lot of low-level stuff going on at stressful events like honeymoons and pregnancies.
(It seems that women are slightly more likely to do it).
Adele Horin on the Halford study. 22 percent is not a small number
(I wonder if the violence serves a social function: of eventually weeding out who's not for you?)
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