"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Friday, November 28, 2008

How Old Am I?

How old am I, really?

Legally, I am twelve, almost thirteen. My reading age was fourteen when I was ten - who knows what it is now? Sixteen, perhaps more, or less? My size would indicate I'm a moderately tall twelve year old, or perhaps I could be a normal sized thirteen year old, or a very tall eleven year old.

But how old am I, truly and deeply?

Lately I've had this theory that, socially, I'm older than I really am. Twenty, or perhaps mid to late teens. I don't think I'm a tween - I never have been. Because everything I want now - a career, recognition, a life, a man - is really what a teenager, or a woman in her early twenties, would want. Not a twelve year old. Not yet. But yet I am still a child - and I think this dual age thing is what is causing all my problems. Why I'm the pariah, the outcast.

This has to be the only explaination why I have this desperate longing for a...a boyfriend sounds hokey, because I want more than that - a soulmate. Why I'm anxious to get books published, movies with my name credited, albums with my name proudly displayed on the cover. A career, and...not fame, acknowledgement.

Is it freaky that I could be a twenty-year-old in a child's body? No. Just because my desires and views are not childish whims - cravers for puppies or the latest computer games - but things that are deeper, bigger, like fear of mediocrity, the wish for a place in the world, it doesn't make me wiser, an antiquity - I'm just a girl with a timeless soul.

A timeless soul with a timeless heart and a timeless mind - that no-one seems to care about.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Honestly LR.
You might be surprised when you turn 20 at how immature you were when you were twelve.

Anonymous said...

Anon's right. :)

When I was your age, I thought I wrote like a 20-year-old - and my parents said so, too. And I had freakin' crushes like a 20-year-old.

Now, when I look back and what I wrote then, I'm embarrassed. What's more, I'm embarrassed at what I thought were cute guys back then.

This isn't to diss your talent - you have obvious props, girl. Just keep it up - and remember that someday, SOMEDAY...I'll be proven right. :P

Anonymous said...

BTW...

I completely understand what you want - because I wanted that, too, not long ago.

I didn't just want a guy to fling with - I wanted someone who understood me, and was willing to love me as I am. I wanted to be understood by a guy who loved me as much as I love him.

That hurt for a while. But then, I realized that just wishing for a guy won't bring him from the sky, and neither will "putting on airs" or trying to act cute. All it would/could do is turn you wishy-washy and a dreamer that no one hangs out with.

But I realized that that wasn't going to happen for an eleven-year-old (amazingly, that's when the whole thing started - and it lasted for two years!). I began practicing piano more, writing more essays, and reading more. My attention just went away to more constructive things.

So, soon, like all other dramaz, I grew out of that. I still haven't found the guy, but I'm content with myself as I am. :)

BTW, sorry if this is all sermon-y - I just see so much of myself in you. :)

Anonymous said...

Okay, two messages:

To the first 'anonymous' who I think is C.S (if you aren't C.S than ignore this completely), YOU might turn twenty and realize how goddamn immature you were at twelve. Because you actually act like a normal twelve year old, not that you are twelve yet (teehee), and not that you really can be considered normal.

Hey La Pianista, nice to hear from yaz.

The drama is, I have a few crushes - and it's so...fustrating, heartbreaking, irritating beyond belief, that my crushes acknowledge it, but otherwise ignore it. The not-so-nice-ones tease the shit out of me. The nice ones just ignore me. It just makes me feel that my love is worth nothing - absolutely nothing.

I don't think my views are twelve-year-old at all - and I really believe that when I look back when I'm twenty, I'll realize that I've been twenty for a long time. Normal kids don't worry endlessly about their futures like I do - I mean, the very real possibility that I might be some check out chick for the rest of my life, or some teenage mum that got knocked up by her boyfriend, torments me. I'm terrified that my talents might be passed up because I'm not your stereotypical beauty, or because I'm Asian, which is happening at the moment. Normal twelve year olds don't lose sleep over things like that. I do.

Anonymous said...

Listen here...

If you be yourself, everyone will see your talent regardless of how you look. Some people - *ahem* - might have the opposite problem.

I do kinda get tired hearing people say "She's so pretty! Oh, and she plays good, too." "What a nice figure! Oh, and her Chopin is good, too." That can be unsettling, especially when you don't feel valued as a person rather than a nice trinket to look at.

The grass is always greener on the other side - I always wonder how it would feel to look/act "academic" and see how many admirers I'd have, rather than be the "belle of the ball" and have a bunch of them who don't care a whit for my mind or way of thinking.

I worry, what if I find a guy who only likes me for how I look? What if he doesn't love me for my soul and spirit? What if I end up stuck with him for life, and he leaves me when I get old and wrinkly?

So feel lucky - when you find your guy (note I didn't say "if" - it will happen) - you're almost guaranteed he will love you for you, yourself.

Signed,
LP

Anonymous said...

I have tried being myself, and I've tried on several masks. Nothing works.

I sort of know what you mean with the whole 'she's good because she's pretty' thing. Not that people actually say that, but they say things like 'She's good, for an Asian' or 'She's Asian, so she must be good'. Frickin hell, can they leave the Asian part out already? The fact that I'm Asian is irrelevant - I am still as good as I am and as bad as I am whether my skin is white, yellow, or black.

Like I have a really rascist music teacher. We have these really pathetic school musicals this year (and they expect eleven- and twelve-year-olds to be all excited about rainbows) and she was casting the nine lead roles. There weren't any auditions or anything - she just went by facial expressions. She did that for our other class play as well. Forgive me that my face is so bloody dark you can't see my facial expressions.

I am sort of appreciative that my not being exactly pretty sieves out a lot of boys not worth knowing - but unfortunately, it seems like it keeps out a lot of the 'good' guys as well. And it isn't fail proof - my unstereotypical beauty failed to keep out this real jerk, who I went out with because I was young, silly, and desperate for a boyfriend, and even now I still regret it.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, first anonymous was C.S
Don't say I'm not 12!
it bothers me!!
I'm going to be 12 in 18 days!
And guys are more Immature at this age.
C.S

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I never said I wasn't immature anyway, so why7 are you having a go at me?
And why is it Ok for you to diss me when it's not ok for me to criticize you?
C.S

Anonymous said...

there is going to be a MR RIGHT don't worry. Why are you worrying about it now? (DOn't go with the trend be uniquie)

Yan