"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Disappointment

Graduation = Emotional Tornado.

It started out great. Filed on, recited my poem perfectly (go me). Then the awards came.

I didn't expect to get a citizenship award. I am too rebellious to be considered a kind, concientious citizen. I think the people who got the citizenship awards deserved them - except for my ex boyfriend, don't quite know how he managed to deserve that. The endeavour award was also a no-go zone, because...I don't try too hard at things. I have no incentive. There is no reason to work for people who don't appreciate your work. I don't want money or food or rich bits, all I want is someone to appreciate my work. No appreciation = no work. The world has to live by give and take, not give give give and get nothing back, or vice versa.

I knew there was no hope for Sport, Maths or Science, either, because I do try hard in them, and I get passes - Bs and Cs - in them, but I'm not brilliant. There are better mathematicians and sportsmen and scientists out there than the likes of me.

I knew that the only three awards I would have any hope for were the LOTE, English and Music awards.

I wasn't really hoping for the LOTE award - it wasn't much of an honour. I was, however, hoping for the English and/or Music awards.

At the start of the year, I wanted both. Throughout the course of the year, though, I've humbled myself. One award would do - no need to get cocky. My sister lived with one - and I would survive with one too.

The English Award I wasn't entirely sure I'd get. I knew that she'd look at English homework sheets, most of which I hadn't turned in. But I was pretty strong in Reading, Society and Environment and, of course, writing, so I knew I stood a pretty good chance.

The Music Award I was a bit more confident in. I wasn't the best musician, but I was the principal violinist, the concert master. And no-one had contributed more to the music program than I had.

The English Award went to Bubbly, one of my best friends. That was a blow, but I was more prepared for that blow than the next one.

The Music Award went to the lead cellist in the school. He's a good musician, better than I am, but he didn't really contribute to the school at all. He's only in the orchestra, and the choir because he's forced to. He was given a role in the school play to play a 'nerd', but that wasn't by his own merit.

Blow after blow.

Eight years of working for this school, eight years of being the weirdo, the freak, the nerd, and this is all I get.

Nothing.

I'm not overconfident or showy. I'm not cocky or arrogant or over-expectant. I'm not demanding, and my ego isn't too big for my brain. Just when I start to feel confident, feel good about myself, they pull the rug out from under my feet.

I'm nothing. I'm not even a good writer. I'm just a stupid girl with stupid dreams and a stupid life.

12 comments:

La Pianista said...

Jeez LR!!!

Come on! You're disappointed, I get that...but calling yourself stupid is, well, stupid. In fact, beyond stupid - insolent, dumb, wishy-washy, whatever you want to call it.

LR, you're a strong girl. Don't call yourself names just because you lost. Arg, I could shake you by the shoulders, you've got me ticked.

Listen here - this isn't to be cocky - I've won piano trophies every year of my life since I was five, up until last year. No joke. Not all of them were first place, but the worst I ever got was 2nd. So when I got 3rd place, losing to some little scrawny kid YOUNGER THAN ME, I was hit to the core. It was disappointing; I banged my head against the wall, bit my nails and refused to talk for hours. But I didn't feel down for long, because I knew that I played as well as I could and that I could always try harder.

Calling yourself "stupid" is admitting defeat, LR. I honestly thought you were better.

Anonymous said...

Sorry. Low moment. Sorry.

I know what it's like to lose to little kids. Trust me. It may seem degrading, but, age isn't brains. You are a brilliant pianist - I for one have no patience with Racky-watsie and never will - so keep it up, girl!

La Pianista said...

Heh, "Racky-watsie"? Cute. My old teach called "Bach" "Batch" and "Chopin" "Chop-pin." :P

And thanks for the compliments...though a bit unexpected since you never heard me. :)

Anonymous said...

Don't be so hard on your self.
I thought you should have got the english award. I got the english, but no one really tries that hard in it anyway.
C.S

Anonymous said...

Rackie Watsie?
translation?
C.S

Morgapedia said...

LP is SO right. Don't be so hard on yourself!!! I'm like that, but it doesn't do any good, it just makes you feel bad about yourself. You'll be so drowned in self-pity that you won't get anything done if you keep doing that (trust me, I know.)

La Pianista said...

@ CS:
Rachmaninoff, methinks.

Anonymous said...

Never heard of him.
oh well..
C.S

La Pianista said...

:O

C.S. needs a lesson...look at

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LY4kojG0tQk

He's a legend for composing that.

C.S said...

Thought you might say something like that.
I saw your blog by the way. Triplets against eighths. How can you play that?!
C.S

Karri said...

ok, normally what i would say here would be, "Shut up, you're fishing for compliments."

however, i know you're not. So all i will say is-

Nobody's perfect. Teachers are biased, and awards are pieces of metal stuck on wood (or plastic stuck on plastic). All you need is the honour of the award, and you know from everyone whose told you, that you deserved it. Don't cry, don't wallow in dissapointment.

Anonymous said...

But, LR, did you even try?
C.S