infinity

Now Playing: L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N by Noah & the Whale (but to a writer the truth is no big deal)

So as I was falling asleep last night I had so many ideas swirling around in my head about a blog post called 'infinity'.

And now I have no idea what I wanted to say.

I'm tired of being considered as a finite resource. It seems a bit sexist, a bit objectifying, a bit of an underestimation of what I am and what I can do. I'm not even treated as something finite, anyway - I am not precious or special in any way to anyone. So why do people insist on treating me like my love and my patience is endless, but tell me off when I am too free with it?

I'm not made of stone. People hurt me, all the time. I know I trust too much, but I don't think I ask too much in return. It's sad that we live in a world where we are wary of love, where someone who is selfless must always be suspected of ulterior motives.

What is with this thinking, anyway? If I love someone, I can always love someone else. I have more than enough love to go around. You hear so many stories of spouses being jealous of their partner's friends, even their parents and children - as if loving others stops someone from loving you. Exclusivity only leads to loneliness. People can't bear the idea of me being able to love another just as I love them, and that I can leave people who hurt me.

I guess it's because I'm from a very large extended Asian family - all the people I know love me dearly love many other people equally, and it is something I have had to accept. In a few days I'm going to live with my family in Korea for a little while, and I love them dearly - I love them because they have more love than I have ever seen, their love is endless and unconditional and beautiful. They love so many so deeply. I have never had one person all to myself, and I don't think it's right to wish for that. It seems, to me, selfish and greedy. Maybe that's where the stereotype that men don't like children come from - I know I have been known to just go a little bit batshit over pinching baby cheeks and making goo goo eyes at toddlers.

Sex is also given the same treatment. If it's the same deed done under the same circumstances it will always be the same. Women are not cars (value decreases with each use) or batteries (finite). Women are people.

A lot of people ask me why I still dive in head first even though I should probably be a little more careful. Mostly it's because I'm young and stupid and reckless and impatient and just a little too hormone driven. But it's also because I know I can bounce back from anything - it's kind of what being a girl and a feminist and a hospital baby and just a person has taught me over the past sixteen years. It's because I know that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and memories are memories - the good, the bad, the ugly, they all mean something. And I know that love can't be wasted, or used up, or evaporate of its own accord. I know that even though people break me like a promise and it feels like I'm tripping around from lover to lover, it'll all be worth it, and it's the journey that counts just as much as the destination. I know that my love is infinite, and if I never try I'll never know just what I'm worth.