"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Sunday, November 25, 2012

the best in people

Now Playing: All Too Well by Taylor Swift (so casually cruel in the name of being honest)

I always thought it was a good thing that I always try to see the best in people. 

I know it's totally incongruous with how bitter and cynical I have become, but I've never fully lost my ability to look at people with baby-eyed awe. 

It's not like I've never been hurt. I've been hurt before - by friends, by boys, by teachers, by random strangers on the street, by myself. But I've never lost the feeling that everyone deserves a chance, that you don't have the right to judge people you've never met, that you can't jump to conclusions about people you don't know, and that everyone is innocent until proven guilty. It's the kind of treatment I want and expect, but hardly ever get. I always try to think the best of people until it is really too impossible to ever think highly of them ever again.

I think it's part of the double-edged sword of being a feminist. I'm not a princess, and this ain't a fairytale, in the words of Taylor Swift. I don't like the idea of being locked up in a tower waiting for Prince Charming - I'm not that much of a dreamer. I don't believe in waiting for friends and for love to come to you - sometimes, when you want something, you have to get off your ass and go for it. Yes, you might get rejected, used, hurt, humiliated. But you can also fall in love, create the greatest of friendships, be the happiest you've ever been. I don't like waiting for people to give me things - sometimes I have to be brave and make the first move. Which means that yes, sometimes I give people too much trust and love and faith than they deserve, than they are worthy of. But my love is not a commodity, it's not a finite resource. I have more than enough love to go around. Accuse me of anything, but you can never say that I didn't love you enough.

I don't understand how to be reserved. I can't do it. I love people and I want to know everything about them and I want them to know everything about me. I hate misunderstandings - I hate misunderstanding people and I hate people misunderstanding me. And I don't think the journey is slowly discovering someone iota by iota - I think the journey should start together, as equals, as people who click. I can't wait for that. 

Next year I'll be meeting lots of people. And I'm sure I'll be too trusting and have faith in the wrong people and know the longing of loving all the wrong things. But I am the eternal optimist, and the self-confessed romantic - I believe that there is good in everybody. I'll probably end up hating a lot of people and making a lot of enemies, to be perfectly honest - because I know I'm not the most lovable person in the world and I rub plenty of people the wrong way. But I promise you, I don't judge. I give everyone a shot. If I get hurt in the process, then such is life. It's what I'll do for you, so that you all have a fair chance of stealing a little piece of my heart. If things don't work out between you and me, it won't be because I've pulled a Lizzy Bennett and judged you on first impressions. 

I'm stronger than I look, and I'm not naive as you think. I don't think the world of everyone because I think absolutely everyone is worthy of my high esteem - if I've learnt anything in sixteen years of being me, it's that people can be horrible, and people can hurt you. But I think we all deserve a chance. Don't you?

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