"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Saturday, November 17, 2012

quantum of solace

Now Playing: I Almost Do by Taylor Swift (I confess in my dreams you're touching my face and asking me if I want to try again with you, and I almost do)

Friendship is a funny thing.

When they start - and you never really know when they start, really - you think of all the things that could go wrong, all the things that could hurt you. They never come into being. But a million other problems you never conceived possible...pop out of nowhere, and catch you unawares. I've never been one for surprises but that's always particularly nasty.

I don't understand people. I don't understand what's going through their heads, what they mean when they talk to me, why they do things. I only understand how to manipulate people. I constantly feel like people are sending mixed signals when they're probably not, but I...I'm just a little out of my depth when people don't spell things out. I can be subtle, but I only understand my own brand of subtlety.

When people tell me that I'm selfish it's because the only thing I've ever done with any reasonable measure of success is doing anything to get what I want. It's human nature, isn't it? I see nothing wrong with being self serving. Being lonely warps your perception a bit. When you can't trust anyone but yourself, you look after yourself a lot more. My friends know that I would do anything for them. The difference is that they never let me. And if I do, that's the main reason why I get pushed away. So when people tell me that I'm only sixteen and there's plenty of time to find friends and boyfriends and a crowd I wish I could just tell them that the part that hurts the most isn't age, or impatience, or disappointment, or feeling like I'm wasting or losing time. It's knowing that I would do anything for people who would do nothing for me.

I'm so terrified that people will get angry at me, but I do know that most of the time I'm the one that gets angry. I get angry very easily and very often and it's an intense surge of heat and hate and passion. People don't often think of me as an angry sort of person, because I normally internalize it (hence the death glares) or, being weak and small, I wait for a totally random time to express myself - which is why people think of me as irrational, I suppose, but I never do anything without reason even if my timing is a bit extra chronological. I guess I'm also seen as irrational because it appears that I get angry for no apparent reason, but that's something of a misconception - very rarely has someone done something monumentally damaging and I have flared up appropriately in response. When I'm angry at someone it's normally because of an ongoing issue, of little things that add up, and my anger is a result of frustration at not being able to communicate or resolve these issues. I am actually the kind of person who breaks down sobbing, breaks things, screams, even though most people never see that - it's not particularly impressive in someone my size. Even when I'm almost blind with rage I still have enough sense to know that I'm more intimidating when I'm being moody and passive aggressive - but it's a charade. That's not how I want to be when I'm angry. But it's the only way to turn a destructive emotion into a constructive one.

If I could say anything about most of the relationships I'm in right now, all I could really say is that they are exhausting. I don't feel very secure with anyone. Every time I think I've got things spelled out everything gets distorted again. I feel like I'm playing a game, most of the time. It just doesn't feel very real. People think I'm very trusting but I'm not, I'm just quite open. The worst thing - especially when you're not talking to people face to face - is talking to someone you love dearly and not being able to say what you want to say. My whole life is in words and the worst thing in the world is when words fail me. But in a way, this makes it easier. Because even though I want so much out of people and I am endlessly hurt and frustrated when nothing ever works out, it is sometimes easier, strangely, knowing deep down that you don't understand these people, and they will never understand you.

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