"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Sunday, February 26, 2012

having standards.

It's part of being fearless, and searching for someone fearless.

When I was younger I admit I didn't have many standards. I didn't have a very high opinion of myself or the kind of guys I could get. When I first started high school I was piling on weight, I had really bad acne, suffered from depression and was desperately boy crazy.

I've gotten over that.

Now I've lost weight - I'm not supermodel thin, but I'm healthy - and I've finally gotten over my random patches of red, angry acne. I've gotten over my depression - mostly - and I've given up on my rather silly ambition to have a high school boyfriend.

Now I spend a lot of time around boys, and there are things that immediately rub the wrong way. After years of not understanding why girls dumped boys for being 'clingy' I finally get that. My mind works fast, and I'm constantly making decisions, changing my mind, flipping from one thing to another, and it drives me insane when somebody can't keep up and tries to slow me down. I never shut up, so I don't understand people who have nothing to say. I like consistency. I don't like it when people behave one way online and a different way in person. I like people who aren't afraid to let their hair down and shake it to Britney. I don't like people who constantly babble an endless stream of whinges and criticisms. Don't diss my taste in music. Don't diss my sister. Don't diss the subjects I study at school or the blog I write on. I always wanted to arrive at the school ball in a big black hummer, and I don't need you to tell me that it's tacky. If I say you look nice, say 'thank you' not 'I don't like flattery'. If you diss the stuff I like and want, and call it tasteless to my face, you're telling me that I'm tasteless. And if that's your opinion, fine, maybe I am. But I'm not a desperate pre-teen anymore. There's a difference between tactless and fearless.

I'm not saying this to say that I am perfect, or that I expect teenage boys to conform exactly to a teenage girl's expectations, or that the things that I have listed above aren't forgivable or changeable. I'm just saying that before now, I would have swooned blindly. But now I have the wisdom to step back and realize that I'm allowed to be annoyed, peeved, pissed off, and that I don't have to fall blindly for every guy I know.

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