Advertising.

Mood: hungry
Listening to: 'Running Back' by Jessica Mauboy
Hungry for: fried potatoes (It's a Korean thing, like a sidedish. Not like french fries.)

I've always been interested in advertising - how companies use colours and language to make their product look better - big result and best value. And I think my research has got some results. I may be no expert, but here are my tips on good advertising

1. Avoid those horrible, tacky ads you find on most commercial TV channels - you know the kind of ad I'm talking about? They're popular with exercise equipment, makeup and cleaning product companies, and they're the most annoying ads to ever exist and are a surefire way to piss off customoers. It always has a voiceover boasting over supposed 'special features', and a whole slew of false-American accented 'consumers' raving about the product - and, if it's about exercise equpiment, it'll feature heavily muscled-up bodies and extremely photoshopped transformations of 'flab to fab'. Then they say that it's worth like two million dollars and say that it's available for like a godzillion easy payments of 'Just 19.99!' - adding 'plus postage and handling' in as an afterthought. It's tacky, it's stupid, it's a waste of time, and it tells all potential customers 'My products are cheap and tacky and pathetic and useless and I'm just really really really desperate to sell!'. Don't do it.

2. Invest in a good, professional-looking website - Potential customers now do thorough research on the net for just about anything - from makeup to lawnmowers. So invest in a professional, interesting website loaded with information and free of typos or tacky fonts.

3. Avoid homemade...anything - go professional for TV adverts, newspaper adverts and fliers, and labels. An advert should not look like an eight-year-old designed it on Word, and a TV commercial should not look like it was made in PowerPoint presentation. It's tacky and implies you can't be stuffed doing the job properly.

And that's it, really. Be fun, creative and inventive - and relevant to the modern-day world. Customers will be flocking in.

Don't forget to check out my new blog, It's A Crazy Dream, to follow me as I read the Telegraph's Top 100 Novels of All Time.