Your Life is About You.

Mood: heartbroken :(
Listening to: 'Things I'll Never Say' by Avril Lavigne
Hungry for: love...

So it's the end of school. I made it through another stinking year.

Okay, so it wasn't that bad. In some ways, it was pretty good. Very good, actually, better than I hoped. But in some aspects, I'm still at square one. I was a miserable twelve-year-old loser last year with no friends and no boyfriend, and now I'm a miserable thirteen-year-old loser with no friends and no boyfriend. Wow. Huge improvement.

I'm sick of everyone saying that I'm special, because special people aren't betrayed and crushed by best friends. Special people aren't used, and people don't say 'let's just be friends' to special people. That's just that. Special people are fawned over and adored and people fight over special people. My mum doesn't count, so I'm not a special person. There is no such thing as a special loser.

This year, I've gained friends, I've lost pretty much all of them, I've fallen in love and had my heart broken in ways unimaginable. I guess my marks have picked up, but no-one wants to hear about the smart chick with no social life. Most teachers hate me, anyway, it's just that they can't see any way to fail me, so they just have to give me passes and concede with poor grace.

My advice for people going into high school next year? Only go against the norm if you've got guts and you've got balls, because no-one is going to be there for you if you go against the grain. If you haven't got the stomach to spend years alone and lonely, then just stick to the status quo.

High school is not as exciting as things seem, and it's not really a fresh start - ghosts from the past come back to haunt you. And no matter what, you're still the same person, and people still perceive you the same way. You're not going to turn from geek to chic overnight.

But when you think that the whole school has turned against you, when you feel like nothing's right, and everything's wrong, remember that you don't really need high school friends. Sure, they're useful if you want a shoulder to cry on, but eventually you learn to cry on your own shoulder. True high school friends are a lot rarer than you think, and most people are only friends for social status purposes. When you strike it big and they're just check-out chicks and drug-addicted barmaids, they'll try and warm up to you. Trust me. And remember that, no matter how frustrating it is, no matter how lonely and unloved you feel, you don't really need a high school boyfriend. After all, all those high school sweetheart stories that end happily ever after only affect a very small percent of the population. For most of us, you fall in love long before someone actually returns the favour, genuinely and sincerely. And even though friends and boyfriends seem like your whole life now, and the absence of them is the end of the world, it's not. Because your life is about you - and that's the most important lesson I've learned this year. You can't depend on other people to make you feel better, you have to learn to depend on yourself, and to make yourself more trustworthy. So don't worry about what other people think, and don't worry about what people say and what people do to you. Just have faith in yourself.

And here's a message to all those people who think I'm stuck up, self-centered and selfish - here's a newsflash. I blame that all on you. I could never trust any of you, because all you did was let me down and break my heart. So of course my whole life centers on me now. I don't have the time, or the patience, for love to any degree now. I've only just got enough energy to pull myself through school in one piece and hopefully strike it big. I can't afford to let my heart break again.

Because, in the end, my life is about me. I can't blame any failures on any of you so called 'friends', so I'm not going to credit any successes to you either. I've learned the hard way that I'm in this alone, and that any mistakes or triumphs have to be my own making. So you can say that I'm selfish and self-centered and heartless, that's fine. There are no prizes for being the World's Greatest Doormat, the World's Nicest Friend, except to get trodden on. Except for a small handful of very special people outside my family - and they know who they are - all my other friendships are the most unrewarding things I've ever done, and all I do is get hurt in the end. And I'm tired of falling in love over and over again, hoping that 'this time will be different', because it never is. All of my relationships, or failed attempts at a relationship, are just different variations to the same story of pain and heartbreak. So love is no longer high up on my priorities. At least not now. I don't think I can take another slew of sleepless, teary nights.

I've got that small handful of friends that I love and trust, and one day, maybe I'll have a slightly bigger network of friends who are keepers for life. Maybe, one day, I'll meet a guy who won't play with my heart, and maybe, one day, I'll look back and say that all those tears, all that pain, all that heartbreak, was worth it.

Maybe, one day. Until then, I just have to let go and walk away.