Now Playing: Treacherous by Taylor Swift (and I'd be smart to walk away but you're quicksand)
So I'll let you in on a little secret.
Sometimes it's hard not to feel a little used.
But not in the way that people keep insisting. I'm sick of people trying to force emotions on me when I have more than enough to deal with. I don't know what it's going to take to convince people that I haven't done anything that I regret. If I had a second chance I'd do it all again.
I am not someone comfortable with lies. I don't like liars and I don't like being complicit in someone else's incorrect versions of the truth. It's why I don't like secrets and can't keep them. I can be manipulative but I can't be dishonest. I don't like knowing that people haven't been told things they should know about.
I don't like having to be the nice girl. I don't like having to grit my teeth and smile at people I hate. I don't like having to pretend that I'm okay. I don't like having to apologise when it's them that should be saying sorry. And I don't like losing.
And I'm tired of feeling everything. It's exhausting. I wish I could never feel anything ever again, because all I feel is pain. Living for the sensory moments and rejecting anaesthetic...it means you can feel pain - bewildering, mind-blowing, heartbreaking, soul-destroying pain. Pain that has no beginning or end. Deserved, undeserved, brought upon or forced upon you. And then you get to the point when you're beyond angry, beyond furious, beyond sad. You're just bored.
Relationships to me play out like one long sinister deja vu. It's always the same. People come, people go, people take a piece of me with them. They all blur into one beautiful face and one sad story. There is so much I can do alone. Everything I have ever done I have done alone. I know how I far I can go by myself. But that doesn't stop me from feeling lonely.
I hate people who never see it in themselves to change, people who lack the humility to see that what they are as they are hurts people.
So yeah. That's what going through my head when I'm feeling down. Not the kind of shame and self-hate people think I might deserve. But I don't know if I've got it any better than that.