I regret nothing.

Now Playing: What the Water Gave Me by Florence + The Machine (would you have it any other way?) 

And, in the end, I regret nothing.

I know people think that I'm making mistakes, that I'm not thinking things through, that I'm letting my heart rule my head and I'll be broken afterwards.

But these people only know half the story. They only know what little I can tell them. There are some things that I can't put into words, some moments I cannot describe, some times and some people where words utterly fail me. I try, I try so hard to take a picture of it, commit it to memory, paint it with words in my diary (yes, I do have a diary now. I kind of need one now), but I can't capture everything. Other things I have sworn myself to silence, kept to myself, some things that only some people know, some things I dare not utter to a single soul. After a lifetime of being utterly incapable of keeping secrets I now know how beautiful it is to have something that nobody knows of, even if it's hard sometimes to only have one person who can look you in the eye and honestly say 'I understand'.

If other people were in my position, would they have done the things that I have done? Maybe. Maybe not. But it doesn't matter, as long as we all put thought into everything we do and say, and prepare ourselves for the consequences. I know the consequences, trust me, I know. I know it's hard for people to understand, especially when they don't know the whole story, but I know what I'm getting myself into, I know I can handle it. I've always said no to things that were too much.

I've thought long and hard about some things I have done, some things other people might object to, some things other people might never have done. But I'm not other people; I don't believe in doing things, or not doing things, just for other people, and it's me that's living this life, having these experiences, making these choices, not other people. I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. I genuinely cannot make myself feel bad about anything, I genuinely regret nothing. If I had a second chance I'd do it all again, I wouldn't have it any other way.

All this being said, this will have to go on hold, for now. After battling with it I've decided that, at least for the next few weeks, my academic life will be pretty much all I can think about. I regret nothing, but it's time to move on, move on to bigger things. I know I will have my friend by my side, but in the end it's my life, and now is the time to make something of it.

I will live my life how I choose. I'm growing up, changing colour, as it were. I'll make my own mistakes; I'll pick myself up. I'll collect a heart full of beautiful memories and I'll treasure them all, as unorthodox and bittersweet as they are. I will live my life without regrets.