Reactions

Now Playing: Heavy In Your Arms by Florence + The Machine (and is it worth the wait, all this killing time? are you strong enough to stand, protecting both your heart and mine?)

Reactions are meant to be involuntary, right? Instinctual. Something happens, somebody does something, and you react. A laugh, a scream, a shriek of ecstasy or terror. A gasp, a shudder, a whisper, a sigh...the little things that make us human. 

Why is it, then, that I always end up reacting inappropriately?

I don't mean inappropriately in that I don't react how people expect; I don't really care what people think of me anymore. I mean inappropriately in that I don't mean to react that way; I don't mean to overreact to the petty, insignficant things, or to nothing at all - and I don't mean to sit in stunned stupefied silence after something big and huge and momentous has happened.

Is it weird that I can never tell when people are joking or not? Sarcasm...I know how to use it, and sometimes I get it, but sometimes I miss it completely...which leads to pretty awkward moments, especially when people are under the (somewhat false) assumption that I am supposed to be vaguely intelligent. But lately I've been doing things the other way around...sometimes I think people are joking when they're being deadly serious...

What can I say? I'm a freak of nature.

Sometimes I know I confuse the hell out of people by taking umbrage at the most random things (it's my paranoia - sometimes I just get a feeling and it's totally unjustified but I can just feel it), or people can say the most paradigm-shifting, life-altering, existence-questioning things and I'll just shrug. I don't actually mean to shrug; it's just that when I got overwhelmed I think I have a safety switch that sets in before I get electrocuted by emotions. I also have no idea how to react to compliments - especially when I don't think I deserve them, which is most of the time - or getting presents, so forgive me if I seem a little apathetic. I am very rarely apathetic, unless I am on the verge of collapsing of exhaustion. But if I showed what's really bouncing around in my head I'd explode, and you'd explode with me.

If I bother to spend time with you, talk to you, get to know you, do things with you, fall in love with you, do anything for you, listen to you, smile at you, throw tantrums and make a loving cup with you, laugh at you, kiss you...you mean the world to me. No matter what I might do or say or how I might react.