Now Playing: Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye ft. Kimbra (now you're just somebody that I used to know)
It is strange to think that we have spent all day, every day of the last few years in such close proximity, and yet I hardly think of you, hardly see you. I learned to pretend to forget long before I actually forgot; to say that I didn't care when you were all I cared about. But now...there's nothing, not even hollowness. For a long time now you have meant as little to me as I have always meant little to you.
The only times I've ever thought of you was whether or not I should talk to you - wave, say hi, smooth things over before I truly leave you and everything else behind me. There is so much bad blood between us, and it is sad to leave school with unfinished business. But I've thought it over, talked it over with a friend I love dearly, and there is no use - no use in trying to start a conversation, no use at all. We have nothing to say to each other.
You cared too much about what other people think. You never understood me, how easily touched I am by kindness, by generosity. And you took that away from me - for so long I thought it didn't exist, or that it existed for other people and I wasn't worthy. Sometimes people say that I let others get away with what I let you get away with, and perhaps I do. But at least I have something to thank them for - at least some people tried to fix me. You only ever tried to break me.
So many people ask how I let you get to me, get under my skin, completely destroy me. Nothing happened, after all. But they only know half the story, and I think you only know half the story. You convinced me I wasn't good enough, never good enough. I wasn't good enough to talk to, to look at, to touch - I wasn't good enough for a proper relationship, not even for a proper breakup. It doesn't take three days to imprint something as cruel as that into someone; it takes all of three minutes, three seconds. When you let someone get close, and that's what they say to you, it can completely destroy you. That's what I've been fighting with; looking at myself and knowing I wasn't good enough, never good enough. You put that in my head and its taken years and years to hold my head high and demand some respect. You put that in my head when you pointed at that boy and swore he would never look twice at me, and I believed you.
Do you know how defeating it is, to always have that in the back of your mind? It's like a disease. You don't care about yourself anymore, you stop caring. When people hurt you, you wonder whether you deserve it, if that's just part of life. The only thing worse than longing is longing for something you think you'll never have. I wanted so badly to replace you, to show you that I could do better. I wanted to tell myself that you were a liar, that I do deserve the world, that I haven't done anything to deserve a hurt. But nobody...nobody proved you wrong. Until now.
I haven't replaced you, I've gone above you. You wouldn't understand that, though. Part of me wishes I could let you in on my secret, to watch your face fall. Yes, I'm still that childish. It is indescribable, after so long of being the ugly duckling, to be irresistible, for someone to think of you as beautiful. All I ever wanted was someone to enjoy my company, and for me to enjoy theirs. I wish I could tell you that, that not everyone thinks of me as a gargoyle you used to condescend to talk to every now and again. But I won't. Because unlike you, I respect my friends, and you are not worth the betrayal. I remember you would barely look at me, barely touch me, lest someone see. Let them see! Fuck the general consensus - you were never brave enough for that, but instead of admitting that you blamed it all on me, told me I wasn't good enough. But I'm not thirteen and gullible anymore, I'm not thirteen with the self esteem of a shoelace, I'm not thirteen with no self-respect to speak of. I know things, and I've done things, that you cannot even dream of. I'm sixteen with so much to give, and I'm done with throwing pearls before swine. Everything is dangerous and reckless, but I'd go to hell and back to prove you wrong. It's you who's not good enough, never good enough. You were never good enough, and you will never be good enough for me.
Sometimes I like to think that you're still a friend, that you still silently cheer me on when you hear my name. But I've seen you too many times and there are no secret smiles, no words of apology, no chance to forgive and forget, no offers to bury the hatchet and make it a loving cup. It is as if we are perfect strangers, that you never smiled at me, never laughed with me. Maybe. Maybe I just dreamed it all.
I would have forgiven you. I would have said sorry, for everything I've done, for everything I've imposed on you. I would have been glad to have been friends again - I would never let you so close, ever again, but it would have been nice, to have a smile in the corridor. Would you forgive me now, if I said sorry like this? I hope you forgive me for ruining our friendship, I hope you forgive me for expecting too much of you, I hope you forgive me for letting you hurt me when I am sure, so sure, you did not mean it. If you had made any attempt, I would have accepted it. You never did. All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss.
When I stop writing about you, people think I'm okay. I was over everything a long, long time ago - almost before it was over, I was over it, because I was so unsatisfied - I had seen you with other people, and I couldn't understand why that never happened to us. You were a friend that I lost, and that is that. You were never any more to me. We were both so young, and this has all been very silly. It's that feeling, that feeling of unworthiness, that hurt. I was never over that. Not a day went past when I didn't look at myself in the mirror and wonder what I did wrong. I buried myself in pushing my way to the top, because that was all I knew how to do - to crawl my way up, let the underdog win and make everyone happy at another battler story, even though these people had done nothing to help me and would cut me down, given half a chance, when the poppy grew too tall. I gave up on finding someone to prove you wrong; I started to think that you were right, that maybe I had overreached myself.
But then I did. I did find someone to prove you wrong. That boy...that boy you swore would never look twice at me...has done a lot more than that. Nothing will happen, he's a friend, but he is the friend that I never had, the friend you should have been. Sometimes he hurts me, sometimes he lets me down, sometimes he reminds me of you. But I hate comparing him to you, because you were never half the friend that he is.
And so, I have faith. I'll do everything you told me was impossible, I'll get everything you said I was unworthy of. All of us are beautiful in our own way, and you were cruel to tell me otherwise, and I was a fool to believe you. There is nothing I cannot do, once I put my mind to it.
You broke a little girl's heart, and thought nothing of it. Well, think again. Think again.
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