exhausting.

Now Playing: No Light, No Light by Florence + The Machine (would you leave me if I told you what I'd done? And would you leave me If I told you what I'd become? Because it's so easy to say it to a crowd but it's so hard, my love, to say it to you out loud) 

I always feel guilty because I know I am a difficult friend to have.

I'm really bloody complicated. Messed up. Intense. It's a lot more than most people can handle, or want to handle. I know.

I always feel a bit guilty because being friends with me is pretty...crazy. In my defence, I can be a good friend when I want to. I'm always there to listen to even the most messed up problems. I can listen to absolutely anything and not judge. I'm easygoing to the point of insanity, really.

Which is not always a good thing. When I say I'm 'okay', I'm either being a girl and living in that alternate universe in which 'okay' means 'I am totally not okay, you tool, and it's all your fault', or 'okay' means 'i'm not really okay but I don't want this to stop'. What can I say? I'm trapped by teenage recklessness just like the next man.

The only thing more insecure than worrying about taking up space is taking up time. I feel so guilty that people are wasting their time on me. I shouldn't feel that way! I'm a friend, and friends are an investment of time and love and energy.

But I've always been a secret. I was thirteen when someone first said 'don't tell anyone how much I care about you' or words to that effect, and nothing's changed since. Being a guilty pleasure is only cool up to a point. Then it's mostly irritating, partly degrading and very, very exhausting.

But I guess you know there's something wrong with a relationship where the best part about your whole week is listening to your girlfriends bitch relentlessly about how much of a twat your friend is, and agreeing with absolutely everything they say. I guess you know there's something wrong with a relationship when you can't say what's wrong, when you can't be angry, when you feel like you have to let everything short of murder slide. I guess you know there's something wrong with a friendship when you are supposedly 'best friends' with someone but you have almost nothing to show for it.

What comes between best friends? It's not academia, not even now that we're all so absurdly busy. No. It's society. Social groups will have more appeal than any single person.

So much has happened and almost nobody knows. I never thought things would turn out this way, and I never thought that once I had so much I would want so much more.

I'm not angry, I'm exhausted. And it's sad that, when all is said and done, nothing has changed - I'm the happiest when I'm tapping out an essay or sitting in English class. It's still what I do best, despite everything that has happened this year. It's very disenchanting, really, to be changing colour but people only see you in black-and-white. I'm exhausted by friendships and relationships and people. I'm so exhausted I don't even have the energy to say 'enough'. It takes less energy to smile, so I smile. There's not much else I can do anyway.

I know this is all really bad timing on my part. I should probably have scheduled my mental breakdown in the middle of summer, but shit happens when shit happens, you know. You can't schedule when you grow up, when things happen to you. And I don't even spend that much time thinking about it - and that's the point. I need to think, I need to talk, but I have no time for myself and nobody has any time for me. I feel like I'm going to explode. All I know is that the second the pressure's off I'll be alone. I won't see my girl friend every day and my best friend won't be there for me. So, really, nothing's changed. That's the part that is the most draining. Progress for progress's sake - I don't feel like I am moving anywhere, as a person. It's exhausting.

So, for all the people who have seen me 'tired', for all the people who have seen me stare blankly into space, for all the people who are getting more and more confused by the cynicism and sarcasm and double entendres when I speak...this is what's going through my head. I'm not angry or hurt or happy. I don't regret anything, and yes, I'd still do it all again if I had the chance. But I'm just exhausted.