second class.

Now Playing: Mean by Taylor Swift (you've knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like a nothing)

I know I am not an easy friend to have. I'm too much to handle, sometimes. I try to tone it down, really, I do. But...I can't bear it, I can't bear not being myself. And there are a few - not many, admittedly - who love me for who I am; some people who have looked me in the eye and said 'You know what? Be who you want to be. You're beautiful in your own way.'

But most people just can't take it.

I'm not one of those people who's friends with everybody. I know people who are, and I swear to God, they're just as loud and as crazy as I am - but for some reason it's okay for them and not okay for me. I don't know, or care, anymore. Paraphrasing a bit from Little Women, you don't need hundreds of lovers - you only need one, the right one. I don't need thousands of friends, I just need a few. The right few.

But you know what? I'm not missing out. I remember trying so hard to fit in and then realizing that most of these people are hardly worth it, hardly worth suppressing every iota of personality in you and becoming as bland and as fake as the rest of them.

I don't know what the fuck parents have been teaching their kids, but I was taught that there are just some people you've just got to deal with, even if you don't like them. You can't actually hate someone if they've never done anything to you. If you hit me, I'll fucking hit you back. But aside from that I swear I have never done anything intentionally to anyone unprovoked. And it doesn't kill you to smile and say hi - or, if you can't even manage that, it doesn't kill you to not push people out of conversations and become an elitist bitch. I'm just as good as the rest of you. You are no better than me.

I can be quite selfish - or not selfish, but a little self-absorbed. I don't mean it, but I spend so much time alone and fending for myself that I forget, sometimes, how to treat people, how to have conversations. But I never meant anything by it - it's just me being incompetent as usual. But generosity...it's something that's so distinctly lacking today.

My mother is the most generous person I know. She's never said no to anything I've asked for, unless it's something absurd - as in, she'll say no because it's in my interests, not because her money is HER money and I can't have ANY of it - that's the attitude I see all the time, everywhere, and it kills me. I'm not exactly the richest person in the world and I don't exactly throw millions at homeless people, but the simple joy of doing something for someone, for looking out for someone, for being generous in any way...it's something I've really discovered this year. Once I borrowed a few dollars from a friend I new to be much more well off than me, and she was so paranoid about me repaying her she was texting me demanding money an hour later. Why? Is that all we are now, just judged by our material possessions?

I'm not a saint. There are some people I just don't like to spend time with, there are just some people I don't get along with and don't particularly want to be friends with. They did nothing wrong and I have no excuse, just intuition telling me we probably shouldn't be chums. And that's that. But I'll always say hi, always be polite, and I'll always be there to help if necessary. I'm not a saint - it's just what decent people do. Treat human beings as human beings.

I've been fascinated by how Facebook and social networking has totally broken down our sense of decorum. It's almost like fuck it, I hate you for no apparent reason and I'll make no attempt whatsoever to hide it. When our clique split apart I was assaulted every day on Facebook by an onslaught of pictures of what a wonderful time they were having without me, what a wonderful time they always had without me. Why bother pretending to be my friend for so many years if you did all that behind my back? There would have been no need to kick me out of you hadn't provided me with the illusion that I too am a human being. The audacity of it is...shocking, to say the least.

I'm tired of people getting so senselessly angry not over any offences against them, but just me - who I am, my existence in general. It's not my fault I'm not a characterless cardboard cut-out. I'm tired of people only being nice to me when they want help with schoolwork or to look up a word. There are no hellos, no goodbyes, no how are yous or what are you up tos - only 'WAS THE TEST HARD?' I'm not a paid tutor and I'm certainly not a fucking dictionary. If you want me to help, maybe you shouldn't turn your back on me or cut into my conversations just because I'm talking to someone you think is above me. I'm tired of people treating me like I don't exist - sometimes I enter rooms and I feel totally invisible. Sometimes people will come up to me, ask me some random question about some random subject, and just walk off. I don't expect to be friends with anyone, but does nobody know anything about common courtesy these days?

I feel like it's gotten particularly bad this year. I'm so tired of people pushing in front of me, ignoring me when I ask for something (even 'can you please stick this in the microwave before my pacemaker explodes') expecting me to hold doors open for them or to let them have right of way. I nearly cried when this boy held a door open for me. I'd forgotten what it was like.

I don't normally mention specific people or situations but one of my so-called friends only ever acknowledges me when she wants help. The girl who kicked me out of my clique, made me cry myself to sleep...I'm still cordial to her, even though sometimes I feel like I want to tear her from limb to limb. It's exhausting, being nasty and horrible and venomous, even to people who deserve it. But if I'm walking with Belephant she'll say hi to her and totally ignore little old me in the middle, toss her head and turn her back to me as I've done her some great wrong. What's the point of being all forgive and forget if you're still being treated like scum?

What exactly have I done? There is no law that says I cannot be myself - and even now, I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. That...that is not exactly a flippant remark from me. It's hard, not fitting in. I never wanted anything so badly than to have a big group and just be swallowed whole by it, by the comfort of conformity. I had that for a little while. And I've lost it, and I feel like I've been robbed of it even though everyone's treating it like my fault.

A friend once told me that I shouldn't feel second class. But that's all I feel, now. I'm protected somewhat by the few friends I love dearly but the rest...if they notice me, and most of the time they don't, it's never a good thing.