Now Playing: We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift (again. I'm sorry, I only just got this on my iPod. I don't even have an ex to sing this song about. It's ridiculous)
Falling in love for me is easy. I fall in love with assholes. Chances are if I've met you, and you're male, and you don't look like Jabba the Hutt, and you haven't been a total dickhead from the get go...I've had a crush on you. No joke.
I'm not saying I'm fickle, I just...I don't know, I'm good at multitasking. At one point in year eight I was in love with...my first failed attempt at a relationship with a git, my current best friend, a boy who's now in my form and a boy I met in detention...all at once. I was a slightly psycho thirteen year old.
By the way, I don't speak to the first boy, the second boy is a sweetie (now), the boy who's now in my form is...just a boy and I never saw that year eleven boy in detention again and it's weird because now I'm his age back then.
But I've never felt like a half of a whole. Ever. That's what I'm trying to find - falling in love is the easy part (when you're a klutz, falling of any description is easy). I've never felt like anyone's really understood me. I've come close, very close, so close I could almost taste it...but then they say something and it's not bad or mean but you're just like 'No. Yeah. You don't get me at all. I don't know what the hell's going through your head. I still love you, though'.
It's the only thing that makes it easier to move on. Knowing that it's much easier to hate someone than to love them, or realizing that you're great friends with someone but a relationship would be an utter disaster, no matter how badly you used to want it. Or that you both like each other but, sadly, you're both too thick to carry a conversation without every second word being 'What?' Or nobody's done anything wrong but intuition just tells you to run for the hills.
The thing is, if you really are half of a whole, or on the way to that, you'll never feel misunderstood. You'll never feel the need to bite your tongue. You'll never feel like your feelings are being brushed aside in favour of meaningless emoticon banter. You'll never cry into your pillow and then say you're okay when you're not. You'll never feel like the other woman, and you'll never feel like Potential Girlfriend Replacement If Current Situation Goes South. You'll never think through everything that's happened and then realize that your current situation is totally incongruous with events of the past. You'll never bore your girlfriends to tears with 'WHAT THE HELL IS HE THINKING I CAN'T READ HIS MIND MAYBE YOU CAN EVEN THOUGH HE'S MY FRIEND NOT YOURS' You'll never make openly public bids for attention or lose sleep from sheer insecurity. How do I know all of this? Because whenever I've deluded myself into thinking that I could maybe possibly potentially hopefully take things up to the next level, I've felt like that. And then something totally assholey will happen and I'll be like 'yeah...this is why we're friends. I remember'
I've never had a close relationship with a guy and not felt at least one of the above. The distance that creates...you know it wouldn't happen if things were meant to work out. It's something you can put up with in a friendship, but it's one of the many warning signs I missed when I was young and silly and naive. So I think it's safe to say, that all of the (admittedly, very few) boys I know...are not The One. We're not the same person, not even a person with split-personality. At most we're conjoined twins.
I'm not saying that the perfect relationship doesn't have fights and problems and conflict. I'm just saying that you won't feel alone in those hard times. I always feel alone in those times. I have to do my own problem solving. All my fights with boys haven't been like civil wars, they've been more like...invasions. I've never felt like I could trust someone completely - which has never turned out to be a bad thing, to be honest. But when you're your own agent in a relationship, or a friendship...you do a lot of stuff behind people's backs, a lot of lying to people's faces. You don't do that to your other half.
The thing is, it's hard to feel totally understood, or to totally understand someone, when you're someone like me. I'm two totally different people in one. Once you get to know how I present myself to the world - which is complicated enough already - you have to meet how I am in private, and yes, it does freak people out when someone who is normally so loud and bubbly starts shaking and avoiding eye contact. I've kind of accepted that about me, but I don't know how easy it's going to be to add a third personality to the mix. It's why I still feel like I have to simplify things for people, to try and conform - but even if I wanted to do that (and I don't, not anymore) I can't - it's like trying to cram a triangle in a circle hole. Hell, sometimes even I can't stand me, so sometimes it verges on impossible to try and endear myself to other people. Although...this is the first year that someone has actually found me attractive and I've returned the favour and some...weird stuff happened. I mean, much good that's done me, but at least I know that there are possibilities.
I'm still trying to be fearless, even when that personal mission sometimes feels like it's contradicting my other personal mission to just get what I want out of life and be happy - and, you know, a relationship is part of that. I don't know why everyone expects us to not want what we all want, to just wait for it to fall into our lap, as if we're going to leave something so important and desirable to luck and fate and chance. I'm me. I'm psycho. But I've got friends - not many, admittedly - and I'll be up myself for just a second and say that I'm perfectly capable of something more, thank you very much.
Men are from Mars and women are from Venus (we all suddenly just don't care about Earthlings) but I'm looking for a Plutonian. Like me.
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