dignity.

Now Playing: Better Than Revenge by Taylor Swift (sophistication isn't what you wear or who you know, or pushing people down to get you where you want to go, they didn't teach you that in prep school so it's up to me: no amount of vintage dresses gives you dignity)

I swear, some people at school are insufferably ill-bred.

I've never been particularly tactful, and I've never been one to spare people what they deserve. I can be a bitch. I'm only soft because I feel too much - but occasionally the switch will flick off and I'm only looking for pressure points. But even when I am being cruel...there's always common courtesy, even if you only do it for yourself. Dignity.

There are some people at school who are put on a pedestal for being so nice, so smart, so friendly to everyone, having no enemies. Bullshit. Complete, total, utter, fucking bullshit.

Being polite is more than saying please and thank you. Being nice is more than smiling at people and asking how their day is going. Being friendly is not ignoring someone totally, or being so unbearably condescending...I'm sick of it. Just punch me in the face. Seriously. It would be less insulting.

Sometimes I feel like I don't exist unless I'm with someone - it's only when I'm with one of my girlfriends that other girls sit up straight and show me some fucking respect. Otherwise, it doesn't matter what I do - try to talk to them, do them favours, set myself on fire...I'm just background noise. And then there are others, when I'm with them, I become even more invisible. It doesn't occur to people to acknowledge me, to consider my feelings. It's like it doesn't occur to people that I can have friends in high places, different social groups. It wouldn't kill them to give me some kind of acknowledgement that I too am a human being.

I'm not a likeable person from the start. If you're my friend, you've gotten to know me, understand me, love me for who I am. Those kind of people come from all kinds of places. I've never been good at social groups, at finding my own niche in the social hierarchy. And yes, some of my friends are a good deal more popular than I am. But even so, I shouldn't be treated like a shadow. I don't have to be friends with everybody. But I shouldn't have to put up with this shit.

If I am ever embarrassed, it is not because I'm afraid of how people perceive me or because I've failed to live up to societal expectations - I only get embarrassed when I feel like I've let myself down and not behaved with dignity. Some people have no dignity. I am not worth any less because I'm not afraid to be me. When push comes to shove, there are no prizes for conformity, and no benefits of being so arrogant.