"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Monday, April 30, 2012

I used to think relationships were all about maintanence. That you could sustain any kind of relationship with any kind of person if you just put in the effort.

But now I've come to realize that relationships are just like people. They come in all shapes and sizes, and they all affect your life in different ways. There are the necessary ones, the ones you need like oxygen, and the ones that are vaguely pleasant but you know you can live without. There are biased, hypocritical, unhealthy, cruel, vicious relationships, just as there are biased, hypcritical, unhealthy, cruel, vicious people. There are relationships that are addictive, illicit, you're in it for the rush; you know that it will end, and very messily too, but you can't help but sink deeper and deeper.

But then there are the uncertain relationships. You don't know where you are - you know you are two people connected, somehow, but you're not sure how deep or tangible that connection is. There is no vaguer word than 'friendship'. You get mixed messages, they tell you some very dark secrets, you do things together that are uncertain territory. And then, all of a sudden, you're polite chit-chat buddies, and you feel like you have two very different relationships with two very different people. The kind of relationships where you're too scared to fall too deep; because you don't know what the reaction is. If you do something, you have no idea what to expect as a consequence. You lose concept of cause and effect, and everything is complicated by paranoia and manipulation.

There are some people you can't get close to no matter how hard you try. There are the kind of people I'll greet with a punch on the shoulder or an affectionate hair ruffle, and then I'll spend that class/breaktime contentedly plopped on their lap. Or there are some people that I don't spend an awful lot of time with, but are always up for a hug; and you know instinctively that you could trust them with your life - you're not joined at the hip but they're the first person you turn to with your most troubling secrets, in desperate need of the most honest advice. But then there are the people who you have so much in common with, get on with like wildfire, but there's a brick wall between the two of you and you're like Pyramus and Thisbe, whispering through the cracks. Why?

Then there are the people you know you should be nicer to, but you can't. Everything about them pisses you off. Even their existence irritates you beyond belief. It doesn't matter how nice they are, they'll always end up annoying you. I've always found it fascinating that I'll let some people do anything, say anything short of a criminal offence (actually, a couple of months ago it could have been a criminal offence) but I can barely look other people in the eye; and it's all based on my rather arbitrary opinion of people I know. But I've learned that you can't feel too guilty over these people. You're simply allergic to them; and you can be allergic to the prettiest flower, or the most life-saving drug. Allergies have no rhyme or reason, and you can't 'cure' them, you can only 'ignore them' - and most of the time it's more trouble than it's worth. You can both live without each other. 

Relationships, frankly, confuse me. I don't understand how they manage to almost completely defy the laws of physics - every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I may be a complicated, messed up, passionate, intense sort of person, but I can be as easy going as they get as long as you don't shake the pillars of my moralities. I'll listen to anything if you'll listen to anything. I hate mixed messages, I hate unreliability. I hate it even more in people I love, and people I know love me. I know this is terribly hypocritical from the girl with two personalities, but I'm geting very tired of Dr Jekylls and Mr Hydes.

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