"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Sunday, April 29, 2012

An Invisible Waif.

Before anything, I'd like to say that I'm very, very sorry. I don't know if you still read my blog; I understand perfectly if you've already given up on me. But I am sorry, nonetheless.

I'd like to say that I read your blog a long time ago. I thought of writing a reply then and there, but I couldn't. If friendship is about honesty then I'll be honest with you; I don't know exactly who you are, or whether or not this is a hoax. Don't take this the wrong way - there are a lot of people I have let down, and there have been even more people who have humiliated me with rather elaborate practical jokes. I guess this is me saying that I know I'm a terrible friend, but I also know what it is like to be hurt.

I've had some pretty terrible friends, I'll say that outright. When I was twelve I loved a boy who passed me over for my own best friend. When I was thirteen I loved a boy beyond reason and he let me down, as a friend and as my very first boyfriend. I was in love with someone for three years, and even though now we're good friends he's let me down more times than I can count, and I've had to cut half my heart away. Last year I thought I belonged, I thought I had people who genuinely loved me, but a few weeks ago they stabbed me in the back and broke my heart and I'm still reeling over that. Every day at school I feel so heartbreakingly lonely, and school just seems like a battlefield of broken relationships.

But then, I've been a pretty terrible friend, as well. Every time I get angry, or frustrated, I vent in the most public way possible - on my blog. I had three amazing friends in primary school and I haven't kept in contact with any of them. I had a few friends here and there, but I never had the energy to keep up any relationship of any sort. I suppose I have myself to blame for much of my loneliness.

In year eight I made friends with a girl who was going through some tough times. In the end, our friendship broke over a cultural clash - I said something, and she took it the wrong way. I was tactless back then, and I don't think I've gotten much better as I've gotten older. I skipped a grade, and I don't regret it. It is the best thing I've ever done; and it's something I had to do, for myself. If life has taught me anything, it's taught me that I'm in this entirely alone. It was something that taught me that the friends I had weren't friends at all - I'll never forget how they all turned their backs on me because I dared to dream. In the end, I thought she turned her back on me as well, choosing a large, popular, bubbly clique over little ol' me. Maybe I was wrong to make such a cynical assumption.

Falling in love with K is the most selfish thing I've ever done. I've lost friends, sleep, sanity over the most undeserving and ungrateful person I have ever known. In the end, I lost his friendship too, and I miss him beyond reason - had I not interfered so much with my feelings I would never have seen the uglier side of him, and we would still be friends. There is so much bad blood between us I feel sick when I am near him.

I'm sorry if I ignore people. High school has not been an altogether pleasant experience, and I've shrunk back into my own shell a little. I very rarely deliberately ignore people; I simply don't see social cues anymore - somebody recently had to teach me how to start a conversation. But I don't see people, anymore. It's too hard. The only people I actively seek are people who have shown me that they are genuinely interested in me, in what I have to say; I've become so insecure in this business that I'm so terrible at that I need other people to take the initiative - and even then, friendships have become a more private, personal thing.

The hardest part is accepting responsibility for the failed relationships in your life. I don't expect you to want to be best friends with me again. But I would just like to say that I did read your blog, I did take the time to read what you had to say, and I acknowledge that you're probably justified, and I hope you understand that I never meant to hurt anyobdy, and I understand how you felt. I would just like to say that I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend.

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