"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

My greatest insecurity is not how I look. My greatest insecurity is not thinking I'm not good enough, not talented enough.

But it's hard not to feel insecure when you're alone.

I can never properly gauge people's reactions. I just can't do it. I mean, I know it's hard to tell what people are thinking via facebook or text or email, but even talking face to face with people, it's very hard to see clearly.

Maybe it's because I'm more open than most normal people. I always have my heart on my sleeve. I fall in love far too easily - and not just love love, but I really love all my friends - or what's left of them, anyway. There are far too many people that I would do anything for. It's a vulnerability, but you can always tell what I'm thinking. If I'm angry or frustrated or irritated I can't help a big huge outburst. I cry so easily, because when I'm hurt I can't hide it. Other people aren't like that. They're much more subtle, much more guarded, much more aware of social mores that can dictate even the most instinctual moments of pure emotion. I can watch interactions and figure who's insecure, who's pretending, who's hiding something, but once I get involved I can't tell whether they're madly in love or about to take a gun to my head. I just never really know what people think about me. What do my friends think of me? What is he thinking, what is she thinking? Do they talk out of politeness, or out of interest? I lie to people, all the time, because I have to. It's part of being a girl. When I'm tired and I'm sick of lying, sick of telling people, one insecure freak to another, that I'm okay, they're okay, everything's okay, that's when people think I'm a bitch. I'm not. I'm honest.

I thought I was friends with people. Turns out they thought I was too loud and too annoying. I wish people would just tell me these things, I wish people weren't so fucking afraid of hurting my feelings that they wait until they have to rip me up to get rid of me.

It's things like that that have reduced me to insecurity. Whenever I talk to people, however I talk to people, whoever I talk to, I always have it in the back of my head...am I boring them? Should I go? Do they have better things to do?

That's why I like flirting. I like flirts. Flirting is social lubrication. Flirting is freedom. And it's a surefire sign that people are interested, interested in what you have to say, enjoy your company, when they flirt back. You don't flirt with people you don't want anything to do with, people that you tolerate polite conversation with because you have no choice.

And sometimes, when you can't leave, and you have to push on in a conversation even though you know you'd both rather go you're separate ways...that's horrible. There's nothing quite like being with people you know don't want you. 

I wish people could be as honest as I can be. If you want me to go, I'll go. If you want me to stay, I'll stay. If you want me to talk, I'll talk. If you want me to shut up, I'll shut up. See, I have the decency to tell people these things. I'm not afraid of saying it how it is, and I don't understand why people get shirty about it. Would you rather I twiddle my thumbs uncomfortably, hoping that you or I will disappear for a bit? It's when you just leave things lingering that I am plagued by insecurity. It's like limbo, not knowing whether you should stay or leave. When you say goodbye or goodnight you can just get on with life, you know?

I'm not annoyed by people being upfront, as long as it's tactful and not downright cruel. But just say it, don't hint it. I don't really get it.  

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