have some dignity.

Now Playing: Ronan by Taylor Swift (flowers pile up in the worst way, no one knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died) 

I am not a pushover. As much as I am forgive and forget I'm not easy to win over a second time.

Recently a classmate of ours passed away and it's been a pretty tough time for us emotionally, on top of all the academic stress as the final year of formal education comes to a very intense close. I don't cry when people die - as in, I don't get teary - and I didn't know him very well, but it has been hard grieving and watching other people go through the grieving process. Two days ago we went to his funeral and I realized just how much I missed him, his silent presence in all my favourite spots at school, his beautiful smile. We never had much to do with each other but our school is so small and this has all hit us very hard. He had the most atrocious haircut and now every time I see a boy who kind of looks like him I realize that even though we weren't close I'll never see him again.

I know grieving and funerals are for the living, not for the dead, but in his memory I felt like we could have afforded him the quiet dignity his friends and family deserves. In some ways this has made us realize how petty our clique divides were and we've all become like family, supporting each other, everyone helping everyone get through this.

Except for a few.

Earlier this year our clique completely disintegrated and I was the hardest hit - I was completely excluded and ostracized by people I thought were my friends. It was the worst time for this to happen and my self esteem and school marks took a massive hit, and I very nearly slipped into depression again. It was a horrible feeling, being so alone, having nobody to talk to, to realize that all these people you loved so dearly and would do anything for would sooner see you at the bottom of the ocean than let you be included. They told me that they weren't comfortable around me, weren't happy around me, and that it was best for everyone if I just left them the fuck alone. Yeah, best for everyone except me.

I've been open with my friends that when I was depressed a couple of years back I made a few attempts to hurt myself. But I've never told anyone that this year, when all this happened...that was the most recent time I tried to take my own life. Even my closest friends who were 'on my side' sided with the clique, or they would be kicked out same as me. A friendship that had started over the summer abruptly ended when school started, and I had never felt so alone in my life. I had gone from a whole year of having a big social group and a whole summer just chatting with people online to having absolutely no one to talk to, nobody there for me. I got horrible texts and facebook messages and emails from all these 'friends' telling me that I'm making a fuss over nothing, and that I was totally unjustified in venting on my blog. I clung to the only friend I thought I had left, but then the rest of the clique kept telling me that she was with them, that she agreed with everything they said and she didn't want to be my friend anymore, either, and so I couldn't even trust her to not stab me in the back. When you're alone and isolated like that it's easy to go over the edge. The hardest part about our classmate passing away was knowing full well that it could very well have been me in that coffin at the funeral.

Ever since our classmate passed away several people have made an attempt to somehow make amends to me, for all the shit I've had to put up with with bullying and social hierarchy and stuff. Some have been genuine and sincere and I have accepted it, even though I still think it's a little insincere that we're using a death totally unrelated to my own problems to somehow make it a loving cup - but I know that his death has shaken some people and made them realize the profound impact that social elitism can have in the claustrophobic world of high school.

But last night I got the most horrible message that just reeked of insincerity and condescension. I won't quote it but to me it just read like 'you're fucked up, you could have killed yourself, not that I care but that would have made me feel guilty'. She trivialized everything I felt and played down everything she said and did. It was clear she was hoping that my vulnerability from grieving over our classmates would make me forgive and forget, even though she wasn't even really apologising.

No. This insincerity is an insult to me, to everything you've put me through. Do you really think I'm the type of person to forgive and forget like that? I don't need you as a friend anymore, I think this year has established that. I don't care if you're feeling guilty or horrible - I hope you will, after everything you've said and done to me. It's not my responsibility to excuse you. And this insincerity is an insult to our classmate's memory, because he had nothing to do with all this petty playground politics. I'm not going to accept any more of your apologies. Online, in person...you're always so defensive, still trying to put me down, trying to cajole me into re-establishing a relationship beyond repair. Yes, it's true, I can forgive and forget almost anything - many of my friends can testify to that - but I can't forgive insincerity.

Have some dignity.